DeSean Jackson has already had a disappointing season for fantasy owners who burned a third-round pick on him. His yardage and yards per catch are way down this season, and he’s scored just twice all season. So with a matchup against the Cardinals’ terrible pass defense looming, Jackson is inactive for today’s game because he was late to a team meeting on Friday. Dammit, Andy Reid! Let that little concussion-prone burner run free! I’m trying to make the playoffs here.

Anyhoo, it’s a gigantic slate of early games, with the highlights being some key division matchups and a potential shootout between Buffalo and Dallas. There’s going to be smoke pouring out of the RedZone Channel for the next three hours; I fully expect Andrew Siciliano to collapse and die at 4:15 p.m. Eastern after the final game ends, John Henry-style.

Buffalo @ Dallas (Jim Nantz, Phil Simms) ★★★
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati (Ian Eagle, Dan Fouts) ★★★
Houston @ Tampa Bay (Marv Albert, Rich Gannon) ★★
Tennessee @ Carolina (Kevin Harlan, Solomon Wilcots) ★★
Denver @ Kansas City (Bill Macatee, Steve Tasker) ★★
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (Spero Dedes, Steve Beuerlein) ★
New Orleans @ Atlanta (Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, Tony Siragusa) ★★★★
Arizona @ Philadelphia (Dick Stockton, John Lynch) ★★
Washington @ Miami (Chris Myers, Tim Ryan) ★
St. Louis @ Cleveland (Ron Pitts, Jim Mora Jr.) I award this game four dog turds.

The Ravens got their only ever season sweep of the Steelers in 2006, throttling Pittsburgh twice by a combined score of 58-7. The next four years saw the Steelers win every game against the Ravens that Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon didn’t start. That includes a three-game sweep in ’08 and two playoff victories. Pittsburgh had established itself as the dominant power in a fierce rivalry between two teams that love to complain that Roger Goodell should just go ahead and put QBs in skirts because that’s how he gets his ginger rocks off.

Then Week 1 happened. Baltimore crushed Pittsburgh 35-7, forcing seven turnovers in the process. Since then, the Steelers have seemingly gotten their act together, beating a bunch of bottomfeeders as well as a Patriots team with a horrible defense. Baltimore, meanwhile, has steamrolled some weeks, while losing to lowly teams like Tennessee, Jacksonville and nearly Arizona in others. Now the Ravens can bookend an era of having the Steelers deny them powerhouse status with season sweeps. Or they can drop yet another big game to the Steelers and have Your Friendly Section 8 Neighborhood Christmas Ape cackling with delight.

Either way, it’s a good thing the Monday night game looks promising, as this was probably a contest worthy of a live blog. However, because it avoids THE INSIDIOUS CURSE O’ THE LIVE BLOG, it might actually be entertaining. Nevertheless, I offer my humblest apologizes. Unfortunately, moderating thousands of comments gets in the way of drunken swearkkake and yelling at the TV pixels that make up Ravens players.

[Pic via]

There can be only one.

O HAI GUYS, remember Super Bowl XLII? Feels like ESPN has hardly made any mention of it.

Anyhoo, the marquee game for the late open thread is the matchup between the Giants and Patriots, who face off for the first time since Eli Manning and David Tyree proved the existence of God. Here’s the full slate:

Denver @ Oakland ★
Cincinnati @ Tennessee ★
NY Giants @ New England ★★★★
Green Bay @ San Diego ★★★
St. Louis @ Arizona (*queef*)

It’s a beautiful day for some professional football. While today’s schedule doesn’t boast a “Game of the Century” type match-up, I can guarantee that none of them will be decided by college kickers. Better yet, I’m fairly confident that none of these teams have been covering for a kiddie raping coordinator.

The games should only get better as the day goes on, culminating in a Sunday Night game between Pittsburgh and Baltimore. John Clayton dubbed this rivalry the Ali/Frazier of the NFL, which is kind of like the illegal church basement boxing match of comparisons. Oh John, you’re the Andy Rooney of ESPN. Topical!

Here are this week’s early games, broken down on our nearly patented scale. No need to worry whether the scale goes to four or five this week, because none of them are getting more than three stars.

New York Jets at Buffalo ***
Seattle at Dallas **
Atlanta at Indianapolis *
Miami at Kansas City *
Tampa Bay at New Orleans ***
San Francisco at Washington **
Cleveland at Houston **

Coverage maps can be found here.

Sad state of affairs when a game between a 3-3 team and a 2-4 dream team constitutes the best primetime matchup we’ve seen in three weeks, but such is life in the big pre-flex scheduling city. The Cowboys are coming off a big win in which DeMarco Murray set a single-game Cowboys rushing record, which doubtlessly suckered millions of fantasy owners into starting him for the inevitable 38-yard follow-up performance this week (Yay, I’m one of those suckers!).

Andy Reid is 12-0 in games following a bye week, which is understandable. A week of gorging himself silly is just enough to temporarily sate Reid, freeing him of the distracting hunger pains responsible for maddeningly inept clock management. So the Eagles will probably win, and thus the storyline once again becomes how anyone in the NFL can possibly derail this almost .500 Philly juggernaut.

"Whatever, this song is boring."

Ahhh, the annual NFL game in London. This year it’s Chicago “at” Tampa Bay, as the Bucs become the first team to play their second game across the pond. Roger Goodell wants to add more London games to the schedule, and it could happen as early as next year. So that’s awesome news for season ticket holders. Today’s game will be called by Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, and Of Mice and Men stand-in Tony Siragusa. “HEY GUYS! GUYS! CHIPS MEAN FRENCH FRIES HERE!” Ugh.

Here are the rest of today’s games with our not-patented 4- to 5-star rating. Check the NFL coverage maps to see what’s playing in your area (Once again, the lucky folks of Austin, Texas get the Browns game. Wah-wah.)

Atlanta @ Detroit ★★★★

TOMLINSON’S REVENGE! San Diego @ NY Jets ★★★

FANCY A SPOT O’ GRIDIRON, GUVNA? Chicago vs Tampa Bay (in London) ★★

THEY’RE STILL THE OILERS TO ME! Houston @ Tennessee ★

HOLMGRENPALOOZA: Seattle @ Cleveland ★

LUCKFEST 2011: Denver @ Miami ★

BATTLE O’ THE ROOKIE YOUNG QBS: Washington @ Carolina ★

(image via WaPo)

The NFL primetime games this week aren’t particularly great, at least on paper. In fact, they’re pretty bad. But that’s never stopped us from tuning before. And who knows? The games might even be entertaining, in their own sloppy, derpy way. Best case scenario: through in odd combination of events, the Vikings blow yet another huge lead in the second half while Cutler’s linemen allow him to be dismembered by Jared Allen. Other than that, there’s not much for those who don’t have Matt Forte or Purple Jesus in fantasy.

With that in mind, let’s focus on the more amusing moments from today’s action, shall we?

LeSean McCoy punching Andy Reid in the gut after icing the game with a first down run is instantly my new favorite gif/image/whatever. This even eclipses the DeSean Jackson-Andy Reid chest bump attempt from ’09. No small feat.

via Jose3030

Meanwhile in DC Raljon, MD, the Sex Cannon was benched for throwgasming four times to the other team.

John Beck took over from there, and played about as well as you’d expect John Beck to play. He did, however, go a long way to making sure that the security at team headquarters finally recognizes him. Because he had a name tag on during the post-game press conference.

via The Bog

Obviously, the “skirmish” between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz will be fodder for all the talking head football etiquette experts to wring their hands, knit their brows and evacuate their bowels over. Not me. I love coach fights. Coach fights should serve as a playoff tiebreaker. Maybe not the first one, but at least in the top three. It should go: head-to-head, record vs. conference then coach fight. If the fight results in a Street Fighter-esque simultaneous double KO, keep going down the list.

That was a Hitler salute away from a Josh McDaniels-style gloat-splosion from Harbaugh. Later on, Harbaugh attributed all the drama to his handshake being too firm. TOO MUCH MAN FOR YOU, SCHWARTZ!

Just included this to point out that Jim Harbaugh has sideline gigolos.

Troy Polamalu suffered approximately the 900th concussion of his playing career today when his helmet collided with what Gruden would call one of Maurice Jones-Drew’s “thick lowers”. It certainly didn’t help that Ryan Clark felt it necessary to headbutt Troy after the play. James Harrison is sure to be upset when he isn’t the first Steelers player fined for causing a head injury in a teammate.

Cam Newton paid an homage to Deion Sanders after running in a TD against the Falcons. Because swag monster respect swag monster.

also via @Jose3030

Chargers nose tackle Antonio Garay, heretofore known for the spray painted topiary garden on the back of his head, is now making the rounds of blognerd mockery for happily driving a Hello Kitty Smart Car. Yes, it’s the best bit of defensive linemen Twitter high jinx since Darnell Dockett adopted that alligator. At least until Vince Wilfork reveals that he keeps mac & cheese air fresheners in every room.

Late game slate, according to KSK’s trademark four- or five-star scale:

Patriots at Raiders ****
Giants at Cardinals **
Broncos at Packers **
Dolphins at Chargers **
Falcons at Seahawks *

[via Shutdown Corner]

We’ve bagged on Colts fans plenty since Battleship Manning ran aground on Neck AIDS Island. But no amount of KSK buffoonery could match the hilarity of this story shared by Mandy, perhaps our least irritating regular commenter from Indy (enjoy the faint praise):

Mandy

Damn, almost forgot to share the funniest Fat Hump story in a while. Last night at dinner, I overheard a woman say, “I just can’t cheer for Peyton Manning anymore. Did you hear he had that surgery where they have to kill babies to get stem cells?”

Oh, that’s just perfection. I wish I could get that story in a to-go container from Steak ‘n’ Shake and consume for my next six meals.

Anyway, this game obviously begs for the flex treatment. But, alas, the current scheduling structure can’t correct for when teams built entirely on one player lose that player to injury. Too bad! Take heart in the continuation of the Bottomless Fries Basket of Colts fan despair. Then again, you never know; maybe Robert Mathis and Dwight Freeney will tee off on the Steelers’ horrible offensive tackles and Indy pulls an upset. That would be incredibly funny in its own way. But, yeah, no one will blame you for skipping this one for “Boardwalk Empire” and “Breaking Bad”.

A PK favorite! NO WAIT PETER, IT’S NOT ACTUALLY FOR YOUR ASSHOLE. FOR THE LOVE OF DUNGY, STOP HIM!

You’ll probably have to be trashed to withstand the deluge of Tom Brady “lubed up” jokes that will invade your feed throughout the Chargers-Greatriots tilt, which easily highlights the late afternoon slate. Other late game detritus, as weighed by our infallible four- (sometimes five-) star scale:

Dallas at San Francisco ***
Houston at Miami ***
Cincinnati at Denver **

Some lessons from the early slate after the jump

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