It’s funny because Mike Smith had a heart attack but lived and is still coaching. Yes, yes, we’re horrible people, but you already knew that. If Smith suffers from any further chest pain, Peter King will interrupt the pointless football fun to breathlessly report that he’s gonna be okay and now back to the pointless football fun.

As part of the new TV deal that the NFL announced this week, the number of Thursday night games that NFL Network will broadcast is set to expand, though no one yet knows by how much. And that’s good. The NFL needs more options besides Monday night to hide all the bad games of the week. Hell, Jacksonville might play their entire schedule on Thursday nights next year.

There are three types of people who should watch tonight’s rancid edition of Monday Night Football: Seahawks fans, fantasy owners of Marshawn Lynch, and pathetic drunks addicted to even the lamest NFL matchup. That’s me, me, and also me.

Since we devoted our weekly live-blogification to last night’s Cowboys meltdown, tonight’s “action” from no-longer-Qwest gets only this shoddy open thread. Come for the Skittles, stay out of morbid curiosity for what Jaws and Gruden will discuss in the 4th quarter.

This Texan plays for Rice. Uncle Ben’s preferably–he loves that stuff.

Here are the 4pm games, graded on the four-star rating system that drew your name in the office secret santa:

Chicago at Denver ***
Mike Martz has vowed to open up the offense this weekend. So lots of interceptions by Mr. Hanky. Also, Tebow will tebow the tebow out of those tebowing tebows.

Buffalo at San Diego **
This is probably the final deathwatch for Norv Turner in the NFL. I’m feeling a little nostalgic, yall.

San Francisco at Arizona **
Sure this is a lackluster slate of late-afternoon games, but have you heard about the shit-sandwich they’re serving up for tomorrow night? I’d rather watch that armadillo GIF for three hours.

Oakland at Green Bay ****
Look for an upset.

For all the Cowboys fans who might be reading.

Hooray, Week 14! Fantasy playoffs! Nothing quite like adjusting your lineup week in and week out, then watching it all implode in the playoffs because Matt Forte and Adrian Peterson are injured!  HA HA HA WHEEEEEEE *runs off cliff*

I can’t say there’s a whole lot of intrigue in the REAL football, either. The Pats and Saints get three stars because OFFENSE!, and the only game between two competent teams is Houston-Cincy. Think about that: T.J. Yates versus a rookie quarterback is the only early game where both teams have a shot at the playoffs. If anyone needs me, I’ll be napping between Patriots touchdowns.

New England @ Washington ★★★
Kansas City @ NY Jets ★★
Houston @ Cincinnati ★★★
Indianapolis @ Baltimore ★
New Orleans @ Tennessee ★★★ VIEWING ADVISORY: Joe Buck.
Minnesota @ Detroit ★★
Philadelphia @ Miami ★
Atlanta @ Carolina ★
Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville ★

(NFL coverage maps here)

Insurance companies spend a ton of money on advertising, and they don’t even have a product anyone really wants. Kind of like Keystone Light. The good news is that most of you will get to watch Aaron Rodgers in to the evening. The bad news is that you’ll have to endure five or six State Farm ads in that time.

The rest of the late games are pretty trashy. Cleveland and Arizona could make things interesting, but there’s little hope for the Rams. A.J. Feeley will get the start for Sam Bradford.

Baltimore at Cleveland ★★
Dallas at Arizona ★★
Green Bay at New York Giants ★★★
St. Louis at San Francisco ★

It’s a pretty lackluster slate of early games. Ordinarily, Pats-Colts is a delightful late-season hatefest; this year, the Pats are three-touchdown favorites, the first 20+ point favorites in an NFL game since 2007. Denver-Minnesota might have been interesting if Von Miller and Adrian Peterson were playing (they’re not). And depending on Tyler Palko’s performance against the Bears defense, keep your eyes open for a Kyle Orton sighting in Chicago.

That leaves Bengals at Steelers as the big draw today. The Steelers need the divisional win to stay in contention for the AFC North; the Bengals can leapfrog Pittsburgh in the Wild Card standings with a win. Yellow towels shall be waved, bad blood mixed, concussions delivered, fines levied. The outcome’s unclear, but one thing is certain: WE GON DRANK.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh ★★★★
Atlanta @ Houston ★★★
Oakland @ Miami ★★
NY Jets @ Washington ★★
Indianapolis @ New England ★★
Denver @ Minnesota ★★
Tennessee @ Buffalo ★
Carolina @ Tampa Bay ★
Kansas City @ Chicago (Tyler Palko versus Caleb Hanie. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.) ★

Week 13 coverage maps here.

My favorite player died four years ago today. It feels like it’s been much longer. I don’t have much to say beyond that. I never knew Sean Taylor, and it was rare that I even heard him speak. That said, I still get sad every year thinking about the loss. Seeing as how this is an open thread at a humor site, I’m not going to bum you out by dredging up old memories. However, if you are in the mood to read about Sean Taylor, I’d recommend checking out Matt Terl’s piece at WaPo.

The good news is that the late games look like they’ll be a bit better than the early ones. You know, except for the one involving the Redskins. Here they are, on our new and improved scale of stars ‘n’ crosses. Why crosses? Because assigning stars to game played by God-fearing mortals is sin, probably.

Chicago at Oakland ★★
Washington at Seattle ★
Winter Sox at Dream Team ★★★
Tebow at Marmalard †††

Tonight the broken-down Camaro that is the Kansas City Chiefs roars into Gillette Stadium, where Todd Haley will no doubt burn out the engine and suffer a flat tire while attempting donuts at midfield.

I’m not quite sure what that metaphor means, except that Haley’s an asshole and I don’t like the Chiefs’ chances tonight. The Chiefs have been up-and-down all year, opening the season with three losses before stringing together a four-game winning streak against mediocre-to-lousy teams that gave rise to Hobo Haley (which is similar to Hobo Belichick, except frattier and not as good at coaching). Then came a blowout at home to then-winless Miami and another loss to St. Tebow, and I’d be very much surprised if that particular freefall ends tonight.

But hey, who knows. Maybe this game will give us some compelling reason to watch other than Tom Brady’s good looks and cheering for fantasy stats (Go Deion Branch! Score touchdowns on end-arounds and halfback passes!). We can always hope the Chiefs give New England a game. After all, I understand that Haley issued a defiant challenge to the Patriots…

Earl Bennett just wants to look good and rock his orange cleats. Of course, since this deviates from the League Assimilation Protocol, the Bears receiver was fined after each of the last two games. The Bears won both (Eagles and Lions) and, more importantly, Bennett looked like the mack.

Rather than continue to escalate the fines, Chris Mortensen reports on Gameday this morning that the shield informed Bennett he will not be allowed on the field if wearing the verboten footwear. I’m not sure, but it sounds like Bennett will have to get past a doorman and a velvet rope to play the Chargers later today.

But first, the early games, presented by the only four star ratings system that can totally pull off orange patent leather.

Tampa Bay at Green Bay **
Carolina at Detroit **
Jacksonville at Cleveland *
Oakland at Minnesota **
Buffalo at Miami **
Dallas at Washington **
Cincinnati at Baltimore ***

During today’s early games, Bills tight end Davide Nelson celebrated a touchdown reception by delivering the ball to his girlfriend, Dallas cheerleader Kelsi Reich. Dallas fans were conflicted, unsure whether they should boo Nelson for creating a sideline spectacle or boo him for dating a white woman.

Your four-star ratings systems regrets to inform that this afternoon’s games are lousy better than originally thought.

Baltimore at Seattle *
NY Giants at San Francisco ***
Detroit at Chicago ***

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