Kissing Suzy Kolber » open thread

Your Hastily Thrown Together Last-Minute 1 p.m. Thread

Christmas Ape — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 18:06:53 +0000

Zoe noes! Jessica Simpson was spotted wearing a Cowboys hoodie again at some point this week. That might be considered a jinx in some instances (if such thing actually existed) but it will take far more than superstition to counter the staggering collective forces of fail that emanate from the Redskins and their fans who are now finally permitted to wave bitchy signs.

The Colts travel to their former homebase in Bawlmer to have the Band That Refused to Die march at them menacingly.

Cleveland and Detroit meet to remind folks that there are fine alternatives to watching sports on a clear crisp fall day.

Seattle! Minnesota! Ufford! Drew! Poor Ufford, glorying the poor play of Brian Russell in Jacksonville would be a nice sop for a Seahawks loss. No longer!

The Chiefs have already scored against the Steelers on a kick return. But Jeff Reed didn’t even get to whiff on a tackle!

Because Miami and Carolina is Execrable, Let’s Klear Out More of This Kontent

Christmas Ape — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:57:01 +0000

Here’s the NFL Play 60 ad with Breesus, DeMarcus Ware and Troy Polamalu cavorting and capering on the South Lawn of the White House that will air beginning Thanksgiving weekend. C’mon Troy, I know you have a PCL sprain, but you should be able to cover a middle aged socialist Mooslim.

Here’s other NFL marginalia in bullet form.

Cutlerf*cker and Greg Olsen will provide play-by-play for the Week 13 MNF game between Baltimore and Green Bay during a special event at a Chicago bar charging between $150 to $300 a head to attend. What a bargain!

Cutler: I guess the Packers’ line is bad. But I get hit too. Why won’t people recognize that I get hit? I don’t waaaaannnnnnaaaaaaaa get hit.

Olsen: You wanna hit my wife?

Cutler: Again?

Olsen: Ch-yeah.

Cutler: I don’t care. I guess so.

Olsen: HEY! Get in here! Jay says yes!

[Crowd gets what they paid for]

Brad Childress signed an extension to remain the Vikings coach through 2013. Let’s take this opportunity to laugh at Drew until our insides hurt.

Maybe This is Tirico’s Way of Celebrating Sesame Street’s 40th Anniversary

Christmas Ape — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:14:39 +0000

It makes you wonder how Flacco didn’t make this post.

The Browns are hanging with the Ravens through the first quarter, even if that isn’t likely to continue. Making Bawlmer burn their entire complement of first half timeouts in eight minutes will probably be the top Cleveland accomplishment of the evening, not that the Ravens will really need them. Mike Tirico did sneak in a Bert Flacco reference, however, which can’t begin to atone for Gruden dubbing (before even kickoff, mind you) Jarret Johnson “The Anvil,” Terrell Suggs “Clubber Lang” and Ray Lewis “The Master of Disaster” but then with this booth you take anything worthwhile you can get.

UPDATE: Upon further review, I suppose Tirico is saying “Birk-Flacco”. That’s what I get for thinking anyone in this booth could say something halfway interesting.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Christmas Ape — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:26:31 +0000

The Eagles and Cowboys meet with NFC East primacy on the line. Just weeks ago, the Iggles lost to the Raiders and the Cowboys had to squeak by the Chiefs. Now suddenly, they’re teams of consequence once more. It’s key for Dallas to build as large a division lead as possible before December sets in and they lose all their games in spectacular fashion. After signs had indicated he would play, Brian Westbrook will instead sit out for a second straight week. Tony Romo, meanwhile, will have to make sure that he stops playing favorites with Miles Austin. C’mon, Tony – just because he’s actually capable of getting open and can communicate with you in your mystical smialect (that’s a dialect for smiles, duh) doesn’t mean you have to ignore Roy Williams.

As we wait for kickoff, here are a few of the standout moments from the first two Sunday timeslots.

1. Via reader Michael from Charlotte come the greatest (and by greatest, we mean the only non-nauseating) split team jersey taxidermy in the history of anything ever.

2. BUCS WIN! BUCS WIN! CREAMSICLE SHERBET BUCCO BRUCE GAYCATION CELEBRATION! But, hey, since when do the Buccaneers have enough greats for a ring of honor? Shouldn’t it be a carpet sample of honor?

3. Tom Brady acts like a dick for no reason? GET OUT!

4. Tiny Darren is never too small to get blowed up rull good.

5. Via Deadspin – Ocho brought a few singles onto the field in Cincy at the beginning of the 4th quarter against Baltimore, playfully pretending to pay off the refs while they reviewed a sideline catch that he made (it was overturned). Or was he giving the Baltimore secondary some walking around money before half of them get cut after the season? NO, HE WAS DEFINITELY PAYING OFF THE REFS! GET ‘EM, RAVENS CONSPIRACY THEORISTS!

DAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW JAMBALAYA ZYDECO TRUE BLOOD VAMPIRES

Christmas Ape — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:00:35 +0000

Some people sincerely want to push Carolina as an upset possibility over the unbeaten Saints because cornball Cajun bag of suck Jake Delhomme has never lost a start in the Superdome and John Fox is 7-0 there as a head coach. And hey! They’ve won three of their last four. Even if two of those wins were against the Redskins and the Bucs, while the loss came to the goddamn Bills. They’re primed for the role of spoiler!

All right, fine, Sedrick Ellis and adopted fake-Asian Scott Fujita are out, so conceivably Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams could run wild and propel Carolina to victory, but it would have to be so dominating a performance that it accounts for the inevitable backbreaking Delhomme pickerception.

San Diego at New York –

[Heart surgery flies open]

Philip Rivers: Hey, have you tried my cardboard box of Killer F*cking Cock?

WELL YOU CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART WIFE AND 14 LASERFACE JUNIORS AND WE’RE ALL ABSTINENT!

[Murmuring instructions heard off camera]

Chicken?

But I go to Chick Fil-A for my chicken. THEY’RE FROM THE SOUTH, LIKE ME! And they’re never open on Sundays, because they love Jeebus. LIKE ME!

Screw your Christ-hating, Hell-roasted demon birds. Let that gimpy asswipe Brian Westbrook burn for eternity for endorsing it. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED HAS MORAL RECTITUDE AND WILL SHOW IT BY DICKWHIPPING THIS BIG APPLE FULL OF FORNICATING WORMS!

[Still collects check for ad]

Detroit at Seattle — For the first time in more than a month, the Lions “Big 3” (that’s cute, Detroit) of Megatron, Kevin Smith and Matt Stafford will be starting together, meaning the Lions will be at least slightly more entertaining in defeat.

Tennessee at San Francisco — This week, Rodney Harrison called the Titans the dirtiest team in the league. For this grievous insult, a shirtless Vince Young will pin him down while Jeff Fisher, dressed in a Peyton Manning jersey, fistpumps Harrison in the throat and LenDale White stomps on his Always Sunny in Philadelphia-patented dick towel.

Putting the Super Mario Bros. Above These Hos

Christmas Ape — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 20:10:00 +0000

The Niners defense is already on my good side for putting up 39 points in fantasy last week, which almost single-handedly gave me a victory over Ufford. Nevermind that they might have a hard time duplicating that feat against a team not as surpassingly awful as the Rams, I still dig ‘em, but mostly because criminally unrecognized linebacker Patrick Willis don’t mess with none of them womenfolk who try to get in the way of his video gaming.

Cosmo: What’s something a woman might say that would turn you off?
Patrick: “If she said she doesn’t like men who play video games, that would be a problem. I’m a video game fanatic!”

YEAH – AIN’T NO PUSSY GOOD ENOUGH TO STOP ME FROM GETTING THE NEW GRAND THEFT AUTO DLC LATER THIS MONTH! YOU GET TO PARACHUTE IN THAT JOINT! I CAN’T PARACHUTE INTO NO PUSSY! YOU GET PUSSYCHUTES, MAYBE WE TALK!

I also greatly anticipate what will likely be a minimum 30 cutaway shots to the finally signed Michael Crabtree on the sidelines during this game. Which hilariously dated cultural icon will be joining him today?

I’m also a little concerned that the Falcons seem to be the overwhelming consensus choice to win this game. DON’T PEOPLE KNOW SHAUN HILL IS 7-0 AS A STARTER IN CANDLESTICK?

In other late game notes:

Matt Hasselbeck is expected to start for the first time since Sept. 20, as Jacksonville pays a visit to Seattle. With 19 catches for 278 yards and three touchdowns over the past three weeks, Mike Sims-Walker has emerged as – get this! – an actual receiving threat for the Jags. Apparently this is the year where teams get the one commodity that they frequently lack – the Bears, a quarterback; the Ravens, a passing game; the Jaguars, a receiver; the Lions, a win.

Oh great – a completely disingenuous Brandon Marshall interview with Michael Irvin about burnishing his image. Because game-winning TDs completely erase repeated domestic assault charges, or stabbing your teammate with scissors! Troy Aikman said no one works harder at practice! I SEE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR PRACTICE IN YOUR FUTURE, BRANDON!

The Texans and the Cardinals ideally would be a non-stop barrage of Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald breaking 75-yard touchdowns despite seeing double coverage on every play. But they always disappoint you by only getting 45-yard scores. Call me finicky, but those aren’t quite as flashy to me.

Comebacks Are Betta When You Ask Somebodddddaaaayyy About It

Christmas Ape — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:06:05 +0000

This season the Dick/turd Feelers are letting every QB on the planet drive on their defense for winning scores. They let The Incredible Sulk, Jay Cutlerfu*ker do it, they allowed Cornhole Palmer to do it, then deepthroat hot dogs at them in derision. They look at me and say “you violated me in the last minute with your eyes, you did it with your eyes.”

NOW COMES THE LASERFACE TROIKA! THAT’S RUSSIAN FOR “THIRD STRAIGHT DICK KICKING”! YOU ESCAPED THE MARMALARD REVENGE/COACHING KILL TOUR LAST YEAR! YOU WON’T BE SO FORTUNATE NOW!

And this is how I’m gonna do it.

…

Ahem!

PLAY ME ON, DOUBLE-L COOL NEGRO!

L.L. Cool J: That’s when Philip Rivers goes all LAST MINUTE TD DRIVE

Yeah. Be more quick about that next time. See, my super soldiers are gonna let you feel good about yourself and have a lead most of the game, maybe even let you pin us inside our 10 inside two minutes while behind four points. THAT’S WHEN A COILED LASERFACE STRIKES! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? ANOTHER CRUSHING LOSS FOR THE SUPER BOWL CRAMPS!!

1st and 10 from own 3 (1:49 remaining) — Fake hand-off to LaToeInjury and kick him in the back of the knee as he runs past, complete 16-yard pass over the middle to Gates

1st and 10 from own 19 (1:34 remaining) — Throw up middle finger at all the retard yinzers, penalized half the distance to the goal

1st and 20 from own 10 (1:34 remaining) — Spike the ball ’cause I don’t give a fuck

2nd and 20 from own 10 (1:32 remaining) — Distract James Harrison by tell him his girlfriend is getting uppity, hit Vincent Jackson down the seam for 45 yards. Call timeout with my cock.

1st and 10 from Steelers 45 (1: 20 remaining) — Mistaken listen to Norv and hand ball to LaToeInjury. Recover his fumble in the backfield while landing on Steeler linebacker’s knee. Clock runs.

2nd and 15 from 50. (One minute remaining) — Take knee for sport.

3rd and 17 from own 47 (:30 remaining) — Norv predictably says run Tiny Darren up the gut. Knee him in his own gut. Execute epic float that hangs in the air long enough for Polamalu to get well and run back onto the field. Drag him down by his bitchy hair and snag float myself for touchdown that I spike on Mike Tomlin’s glasses.

Skip out of town, only after putting one in the pink. THAT’S THE PINK FOUNTAIN, REPROBATE SCUM!

Then I unrape all the girls Ben has given the retard seed to! All I need is some Jonas Brothers records and Chargers jerseys! But not the body paint harlot! Unpure thoughts hand beneath the sky blue!

Were You Aware? Breast Cancer is a Disease the NFL Exploits for Cheap Positive PR

Christmas Ape — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 15:41:32 +0000

The Ratbirds and the Greatriots mark the lone interesting match-up of the early slate on this, the pinko Sunday. The Ravens lead the AFC in scoring (playing Kansas City and Cleveland at home in two of your games will help with that) yet have scored a total of six points in their two previous trips to Foxboro. Meanwhile, Welkaaahhh is returning! So long Jewkah! Dr. Underneath has to make his rounds.

/has 2012-esque fantasy of ground opening up and swallowing the stadium during this game

Sweet jizzing robot Jesus, the rest of these early games suck.

When the Bucs and Redskins play, sticking pink in the endzone is the last place capable of raising awareness.

Also, that’s Breast CANCER Awareness Sunday, Berman.

Freudian slips are a tragic upshot of deux-deux-deux abuse.

Battle for Ohio! Winner gets the loser’s squalor!

Edgerrin James returns to Indy! Nate Burleson is a fantasy stud. What enticing storylines to get me to tuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Injuries have forced me to choose between starting Chad Henne and Matt Cassel on one of my fantasy teams. The difference between the three and negative two points I get could be a critical one. C’mon Giants, let’s give up a first down before midway through the 3rd quarter.

Gay Zorro ripped the Raiders this week, telling the world what it already knew about the organization’s numerous dysfunctions. Meanwhile, the Raiders travel to Houston and if Nnamdi could somehow allow Matt Schaub’s torrid pace to continue apace, it’d be greatly appreciated.

Greg Olsen’s mom was once diagnosed with breast cancer, but Jay Cutler’s never been let into a threesome with her and the tight end, so he’s all, “Yeah, that’s bad, I guess. She gonna be all right. I mean, I dunno. I’ve been through worse. Whatever.”

UPDATE: Oops. Forgot to fob off a line about the forgettable Jags-Titans contest. IT’S ONLY BECAUSE JACK DEL RIO WOULDN’T LET ME!

Muchas Smoochas, Senor Ocho

Christmas Ape — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:05:26 +0000

The Steelers have won eight straight at Paul Brown Stadium and The Ben has gotten his PEW on in his home state of Ohio, amassing a record of 11-0 there as a pro (a point which will NEVER BE MENTIONED DURING THIS GAME). However, last week the Bengals notched a rare pre-Week 7 victory by virtue of five sacks by previously little-known defensive end Antwan Odom, so pretty much everyone has hopped on them this week to pull another upset. Not to mention Spongetech stock is soaring.

Ocho has vowed to make Steelers corners Ike Taylor and William Gay “kiss the baby” and announced that he has a Spanish-themed TD celebration in the works should he reach the endzone. By that, I mean he intends to take a three-hour midday siesta. Mostly likely, though, he plans to have Chris Berman make 18 more painful and repetitive jokes via satellite about ESPN’s new Countdown weatherlady, Marisol.

Last week: “When it’s raining, Marisol, I’m going to call you Parisol.” (laughs to himself)

This week: “Again, when it’s raining, Marisol is Parisol.” (face almost explodes over his hilarity)

flubby: “Also, parasols are used when it’s sunny.”

The rest of this shitty slate of late games:

The Bills host the Saints in the last game until BEEF MOE returns next week. With Fred Jackson averaging 110 rushing yards per game and 5.1 per carry, coupled with 108 total receiving yards, Marshawn might be able to enjoy some Applebee’s Carside service on the sidelines of future games. More important, however, is which Bills player will have their home ransacked or vandalized this week? First game: Leodis McKelvin. Last week: Donte Whitner. Did Bills fans really let Trent Edwards’ home slip this far.

The Bears revealed this week that they have a self-policing policy on busting ass in the film room, levying a fine of $20 on whoever rips one in there. Defensive tackle Anthony Adams, who disclosed the policy on a Chicago Tribune blog post, said defensive end Mark Anderson is the most flagrant and fragrant offender. Gotta leave that flatus for the field, guys. No Matty Hasselbeck in this game either, so Ufford may have a few post-Fight Gone Bad pukes left in him.

Denver is 2-0. Oakland won last week despite JaMarcus Russell going 7-for 24 passing. Someone I see this game being scoreless until the snap of a last-second punt goes out the back of the endzone for a 2-0 final.

We already previewed the floats to come in the Chargers-Dolphins tilt, so I’ll forgo belaboring that some more Wildcat blather. The Chargers have the 24th ranked run D, so it’s a solid recipe for another 45 minutes of Miami possession time washed away by Marmalard quick strikes.

They Stab! They Rape! They Stab and Stab and Rape! Stab Stab Stab! Rape Rape Rape! It’s the Merriman and Ray-Ray Shoooooowwwwww!

Christmas Ape — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:00:22 +0000

LaToeInjury has shocked the football world by picking a time other than the playoffs to be injured, so Tiny Darren will have to slip beneath the murderous implements of the Ravens defense today. The Chargers will also be missing center Nick Hardwick, so Norv will have to abandon all those grand plans to run Sproles up the gut at Haloti Ngata. Marmalard, meanwhile, was fined late this week for taunting Raiders defensive tackle Gerard Warren in the second half of their Week 1 game.

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I BARELY GENERATED ANY OFFENSE AGAINST YOUR TEAM!

Ray-Ray’s spastic dances after jumping on piles or Rivers berating everyone in sight? There may not be enough announcer scorn to go around.

In other late-game action:

The Steelers and Bears spot each other a defensive centerpiece being out. The Steelers want to establish some semblance of a running game while Cutler might desire to cut down on the back-breaking turnovers. No, don’t deny me the Sulk-SMIRRE contrast, Jay!

Michael Silver broke the news that Eric Mangini fined a Browns player $1,701 for not paying for a $3 water bottle at a hotel during a preseason trip. At some point during the Cleveland-Denver game, I fully expect both teams to turn on their respective morale-crushing coaches, all while Brandon Stokley grittily steals into the endzone.

The 49ers and Seahawks battle for first place in the NFC West. I actually find this an intriguing contest, but my East Coast bias prevents me from saying so. Big storyline: WILL MATT HASSELBECK BE DOGGED BY NOT LIKING THE INFORMANT LAST NIGHT!?

[Gets drunk quickly to avoid having to come up with something noteworthy about the Bucs and the Bills]