I’ve watched tennis and NBA basketball today: if these aren’t dire straits, then I don’t know what is. In that light, the Pro Bowl is a welcome, albeit neutered, version of NFL football. We malign the Pro Bowl, and rightly so, but it’s better than in years past: at least it’s a pointless distraction the week before the Super Bowl, rather than after.

Of course, there will be no Giants or Patriots in tonight’s game, which may benefit the NFC slightly more: Ben Roethlisberger will start at QB for the AFC, and the depth chart quickly gets thin after that. The NFC, of course, won’t miss Eli Manning, as Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Cam Newton will share snaps behind center. That’s about as much analysis as I can force myself to muster. Meh.

So anyway, if you’re a die-hard glutton for even a tufurkey version of an NFL game, this is the thread for you. Use our new commenting system to let everyone know how much you hate Chris Berman’s Hawaiian shirt.

We’re here, we’re here. Please don’t start without us. This is your open thread for today’s game. Live blogs are on tap for tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy the offensive stylings of Drew Brees and…David Akers! We’ll be under way just as soon as Huey Lewis and the News go away forever.

I was watching the early game when they showed a guy slicing brisket at some famous Houston barbecue spot, and thought to myself, “damn it, I really need to go to Texas.” Then I saw this photo from Cajun Boy, and thought, “f*ck Houston, that city is the worst.” Then I got pretty sad about not being in New Orleans. I could be anywhere in the continental US, and I’d still wish I was in New Orleans on the night of a playoff game.

As for the game itself: points, probably. Lots of them. Six at a time, with balls flying freely through the air. I see Drew Brees is doing his pregame song routine, so that means it’s almost time for Bob Costas to shut his sanctimonious mouth until halftime. Grab your bottle of bourbon (with a glass, if you’re feeling fancy), and settle in for a night of open thread fun.

We’ll be back tomorrow with the promise of live blogs.

Image via Yahoo!

The Houston Texans open up Wild Card Weekend at home against the Cincinnati Bengals in a match-up of teams that have zero chance of reaching the Super Bowl. The most recent line is -4 in Houston’s favor, but the Bengals easily win the crazy-ass tattoo match-up. So congrats to you, Mr. kung-fu monkey tiger thing. You are certainly more interesting and less predictable than this, the most Ohio of all body art.

The Texans haven’t actually won a game since narrowly edging out these same Bengals to clinch the AFC South title. Worry not, Taylor Jonathan Joseph Yates is moderately healthy and ready to lead his team against fellow rookie quarterback Andy Dalton. The site formerly known as Bodog lists the over/under on each quarterback’s passing yards at 210.5, so you fans of the forward pass should amuse yourselves in the comment section until tonight’s game.

It’s a rare NFL Sunday when the late-afternoon slate is more attractive than the early games, but this week’s schedule is back-loaded with games fraught with playoff implications. Perhaps the most intriguing is the Chiefs’ opportunity to prevent the Broncos from capturing the AFC West. Former Bronco quarterback Kyle Orton returns in hopes of exacting Kill Bill-level revenge upon his usurper, Tim Tebow.

As you can see, Orton is up to the challenge…

In other action, the Bengals host the Ravens in the battle for a Cincinnati playoff bid. In honor of the occasion, here’s a gingerbread representation of Paul Brown Stadium.

Here’s the rest of today’s slate rated on the patented 4-star system that hates meaningless football…

Kansas City at Denver ★★★
Tampa Bay at Atlanta ★
Baltimore at Cincinnati ★★★
Pittsburgh at Cleveland ★★
San Diego at Oakland ★★★★
Seattle at Arizona (If this is your only football option, we humbly suggest the Twilight Zone marathon SyFy.)

[ video via, image via ]

Merry Christmas, everyone. We had to get you some Cardinals cheerleaders in Santa costumes because the stingy-ass Packers can’t shell out to import attractive women to their frigid little ville. Buncha cheese-makin’ Scrooges.

Anyway, consider this your open thread for tonight’s game. Both teams have reason to play, as the Bears still have a sliver of a playoff hope, and Green Bay has yet to lock up the #1 seed in the NFC. Of course, with the game in Lambeau, Matt Forte still out, and the Bears starting Josh McCown in lieu of the Great Caleb Hanie Experiment, welllllll… the days don’t look so merry and bright for the Bears. But look! You can see the breath coming out of the linemen’s helmets! That’s something.

Enjoy the game, and warmest holiday wishes from the perverts at KSK.

So, a couple things from the early games: (1) Few things are more entertaining than a stuffy rich white man going for a high-five and coming up empty; (2) Jerome Simpson displayed some remarkable acrobatics while scoring what is likely the touchdown of the year; and (3) Adrian Peterson is out with a severed leg and may never walk again and will die before Christmas morning. You’ll find animated GIFs of all three of those below, though I don’t recommend watching the Peterson injury. Yikes.

Here are the late games:

San Diego @ Detroit ★★★
Philadelphia @ Dallas ★★★★
San Francisco @ Seattle ★★★

Obviously, Philly-Dallas is the premiere hatefest this afternoon, but all four of the teams in the other two games have some kind of stake in the playoff hunt, which lessens the crappiness we’re otherwise used to from Detroit and the NFC West.

Banner image: AP photo via SI; GIFs by SB Nation; reverse view GIF of Peterson injury at 30fps; video of the Simpson TD at Deadspin.

I’m going to make this very simple. The Houston Texans must lay down for the Indianapolis Colts tonight. They’ve already clinched the division, so the best thing they can do is to totally ruin Indy’s sh*t. A second win would bring the Rams (Minnesota’s strength of schedule is probably too high for them to have a shot) in to the mix for Andrew Luck.

What would you rather have, an outside shot at home field advantage, or an outside chance to ruin your division rival’s chance of landing the next Peyton Manning? Granted, it’s a longshot, but it’s not like there are many other reasons to watch. Unless of course your fantasy team is still in contention, in which case, screw you.

So come on, TJ Yates. Get that arm loose and spray the ball all over the damn place.

The only thing left for Tom Brady Troll Genius(TM) is a full-on heel turn during today’s game. Remember when Andre the Giant ripped the cross off of Hulk Hogan’s neck? I want to see something like that.

Detroit at Oakland **
New England at Denver ***
NY Jets at Philadelphia **
Cleveland at Arizona *

Sam Hurd was released by the Bears following his arrest on federal drug charges this week. Speculation surrounds the existence and contents of a list of Hurd’s NFL customers that is supposedly in the possession of authorities. While the NFL doesn’t need another scandal—it could set an example for other beleaguered sports organizations by owning this problem.

My suggestion: a new episode of NFL’s Top 10—the NFL Network’s sporadic series that recycles NFL Films footage and allows us to snicker at how poorly Mike Shanahan has aged. TOP 10 NAMES ON SAM HURD’S COKE LIST would be appointment viewing. Who wouldn’t want to see Nick Bakay or a Philadelphia Inquirer beat writer say stuff like: “Robbie Gould? No one saw that coming!” You’re welcome, Goodell.

Today’s early games, rated on the 4-star system that did three years in Chino because it don’t snitch:

Carolina at Houston **
Washington at NY Giants **
Miami at Buffalo *
Seattle at Chicago *
New Orleans at Minnesota **
Cincinnati at St. Louis *
Tennessee at Indianapolis **
Green Bay at Kansas City **