The Niners defense is already on my good side for putting up 39 points in fantasy last week, which almost single-handedly gave me a victory over Ufford. Nevermind that they might have a hard time duplicating that feat against a team not as surpassingly awful as the Rams, I still dig ‘em, but mostly because criminally unrecognized linebacker Patrick Willis don’t mess with none of them womenfolk who try to get in the way of his video gaming.

Cosmo: What’s something a woman might say that would turn you off?
Patrick: “If she said she doesn’t like men who play video games, that would be a problem. I’m a video game fanatic!”

YEAH – AIN’T NO PUSSY GOOD ENOUGH TO STOP ME FROM GETTING THE NEW GRAND THEFT AUTO DLC LATER THIS MONTH! YOU GET TO PARACHUTE IN THAT JOINT! I CAN’T PARACHUTE INTO NO PUSSY! YOU GET PUSSYCHUTES, MAYBE WE TALK!

I also greatly anticipate what will likely be a minimum 30 cutaway shots to the finally signed Michael Crabtree on the sidelines during this game. Which hilariously dated cultural icon will be joining him today?

I’m also a little concerned that the Falcons seem to be the overwhelming consensus choice to win this game. DON’T PEOPLE KNOW SHAUN HILL IS 7-0 AS A STARTER IN CANDLESTICK?

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This season the Dick/turd Feelers are letting every QB on the planet drive on their defense for winning scores. They let The Incredible Sulk, Jay Cutlerfu*ker do it, they allowed Cornhole Palmer to do it, then deepthroat hot dogs at them in derision. They look at me and say “you violated me in the last minute with your eyes, you did it with your eyes.”

NOW COMES THE LASERFACE TROIKA! THAT’S RUSSIAN FOR “THIRD STRAIGHT DICK KICKING”! YOU ESCAPED THE MARMALARD REVENGE/COACHING KILL TOUR LAST YEAR! YOU WON’T BE SO FORTUNATE NOW!

And this is how I’m gonna do it.

…

…

Ahem!

PLAY ME ON, DOUBLE-L COOL NEGRO!

L.L. Cool J: That’s when Philip Rivers goes all LAST MINUTE TD DRIVE

Yeah. Be more quick about that next time. See, my super soldiers are gonna let you feel good about yourself and have a lead most of the game, maybe even let you pin us inside our 10 inside two minutes while behind four points. THAT’S WHEN A COILED LASERFACE STRIKES! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? ANOTHER CRUSHING LOSS FOR THE SUPER BOWL CRAMPS!!

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The Ratbirds and the Greatriots mark the lone interesting match-up of the early slate on this, the pinko Sunday. The Ravens lead the AFC in scoring (playing Kansas City and Cleveland at home in two of your games will help with that) yet have scored a total of six points in their two previous trips to Foxboro. Meanwhile, Welkaaahhh is returning! So long Jewkah! Dr. Underneath has to make his rounds.

/has 2012-esque fantasy of ground opening up and swallowing the stadium during this game

Sweet jizzing robot Jesus, the rest of these early games suck.

When the Bucs and Redskins play, sticking pink in the endzone is the last place capable of raising awareness.

Also, that’s Breast CANCER Awareness Sunday, Berman.

Freudian slips are a tragic upshot of deux-deux-deux abuse.

Greg Olsen’s mom was once diagnosed with breast cancer, but Jay Cutler’s never been let into a threesome with her and the tight end, so he’s all, “Yeah, that’s bad, I guess. She gonna be all right. I mean, I dunno. I’ve been through worse. Whatever.”

UPDATE: Oops. Forgot to fob off a line about the forgettable Jags-Titans contest. IT’S ONLY BECAUSE JACK DEL RIO WOULDN’T LET ME!

The Steelers have won eight straight at Paul Brown Stadium and The Ben has gotten his PEW on in his home state of Ohio, amassing a record of 11-0 there as a pro (a point which will NEVER BE MENTIONED DURING THIS GAME). However, last week the Bengals notched a rare pre-Week 7 victory by virtue of five sacks by previously little-known defensive end Antwan Odom, so pretty much everyone has hopped on them this week to pull another upset. Not to mention Spongetech stock is soaring.

Ocho has vowed to make Steelers corners Ike Taylor and William Gay “kiss the baby” and announced that he has a Spanish-themed TD celebration in the works should he reach the endzone. By that, I mean he intends to take a three-hour midday siesta. Mostly likely, though, he plans to have Chris Berman make 18 more painful and repetitive jokes via satellite about ESPN’s new Countdown weatherlady, Marisol.

Last week: “When it’s raining, Marisol, I’m going to call you Parisol.” (laughs to himself)

This week: “Again, when it’s raining, Marisol is Parisol.” (face almost explodes over his hilarity)

flubby: “Also, parasols are used when it’s sunny.”

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LaToeInjury has shocked the football world by picking a time other than the playoffs to be injured, so Tiny Darren will have to slip beneath the murderous implements of the Ravens defense today. The Chargers will also be missing center Nick Hardwick, so Norv will have to abandon all those grand plans to run Sproles up the gut at Haloti Ngata. Marmalard, meanwhile, was fined late this week for taunting Raiders defensive tackle Gerard Warren in the second half of their Week 1 game.

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I BARELY GENERATED ANY OFFENSE AGAINST YOUR TEAM!

Ray-Ray’s spastic dances after jumping on piles or Rivers berating everyone in sight? There may not be enough announcer scorn to go around.

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I don’t think there’s ever been another team in history that’s generated more buzz with a win over the Texans than the Jets have this week. And with that newfound swagger they’ve decided to poke the bear as much as possible in advance of their Kris Jenkins dubbed “Super Bowl” against the Pats. Metal Gear Rex did his best Lane Kiffin impression and Kerry Rhodes pulled a near-Anthony Smith. There were even pointless Twitter fights involving Rodney Harrison, who someone needs to remind is no longer on the active roster.

Can Rex’s dirty chimichanga play well enough for the J-E-S-T to pull one out? Or will the Pats receivers decide not to drop seven passes this week and run away with it? Either way, Rex is at Scores by 5 p.m.

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Radio host: Uh oh. Looks like we call a from Chinatown Jack. This guy, he’s crazy, he’s off the wall, always bringing the passion. C’mon, bring that passion Jack.

Chinatown Jack: [Reading from notebook] Thanks for having me on, Sports Talk. I listen to your show and it’s great, it’s great, but unfortunately each week it’s polluted by the nonsensical ramblings of Paul from Staten Island, always flapping his gums about Quantrell Bishop this and Quantrell Bishop that. Let me tell you something: This year the ‘Skins got Brian Orakpo. He’s like Quantrell Bishop if he kept his beatings on the field. Did you see the preseason quarterback pressures this guy had? Guaranteed all-pro for the next 15 years or else I’ll pull a Bree Olsen.

Sarah Schorno: Jack, what the hell are you doing? Are you on the phone again? Goddamn it. What’s wrong with you? Get to bed!

Chinatown Jack: [Cups hand over phone and lowers voice] Can you believe these diptards in Vegas putting the over/under on Orakpo sacks at 4.5 for the season. It’s like they want to make me an obscenely rich man four times over. But then the cowards pulled it. Smart, because Orakpo’s putting up five sacks of Elisha in the first quarter, easy. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Orakpo bought a second apartment in the G-men backfield. Orakpo is gonna change the face of the game. Orakpo is gonna bring us together as a people. Orak-

Schorno: Jack!

Chinatown Jack: [Sticks hand over phone, whinces] All I want Paul from Staten Island to do is take a last good long look at his precious Elisha because, come Sunday, WE’RE GONNA TELL COOCH TO END HIS CAREER! Then we’ll fire up the bandwagon! It’s been long in coming! You’ll see!

Sunday again, Sunday again, jiggity jig. The early frame is highlighted by the twin bill of four playoff teams from last year, the Panthers-Eagles and Falcons-Dolphins. This being Week 1, there are no truly inconsequential games, just horribly lopsided ones. Let’s look at the remainder of the slate of, what? Football? Yes, glorious, glorious football.

As a Whitlock-approved bonus, here’s the Uncle Rico Jeff George tryout tape after the jump. Does your team need a quarterback capable of throwing behind uncovered receivers running slant routes? Line starts over there, guys.

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Berman only forced his “nobody circles the wagon like the Buffalo Bills” shtick on the audience once, so we, the people wasting part of a Saturday evening watching the Hall of Fame induction, should feel fortunate, even if he bragged how Wilson voted against every franchise’s attempted relocation (except, y’know, his own). Then again, Wilson said he was blown away by the inherent American quality of a block of people in wheelchairs breathing OXYGEN during the parade in Canton this morning, so that feeling may not hold up.

To everyone else out having a life, don’t even bother getting laid, because you can’t give it like The Ben. THE BEN TRAIN TO SEX TOWN IS SOMETHING YOU MAKE BRAG ABOUT UNTIL YOU CALLS IT THE RAPE LATER. THE BEN KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A GIRL PEW!

Consider this your open thread for the induction ceremony and possibly the Hall of Fame Game on Sunday. There’s a chance I’ll be home. If I am, we’ll have ourselves a live blog. If not, try to breathe OXYGEN like those proud American wheelchair people.

For all the readers who hate my onslaught of homerism on KSK and want to see me get my comeuppance, today may be your lucky day. Because there is no ending to the Steelers season that could be more embarrassing and soul-crushing than losing a fourth straight AFC Title Game at home to the shithead Ravens. 0-16 wouldn’t be as bad. Losing the Super Bowl, while immensely disappointing and painful, wouldn’t be as bad. Ravens fans can explain a loss away by saying where they got was a lot further than a rookie quarterback and a rookie head coach should have taken them. Steelers fans have no such fallback. Well, they can always complain that that Palamuuluu guy wasn’t totally healthy.

But with great risk comes great reward. The Steelers can go 3-0 this season over a hated rival and 2-0 against them in the playoffs. For all the talk of how promising Flacco looks, Ray-Ray, Terrell Suggs and Bart Scott are all free agents this year. Their best receiver, Derrick Mason, turned 35 yesterday (Why weren’t Ravens fans celebrating his birthday? Quick guess: He’s not white). This could be the Ravens’ best chance for a while.

I’d love to be here to live blog it for you (that’s a lie) but I have to brave the crowds in D.C. to hit the bar on the Hill. So enjoy the bloodbath in open thread form. And, hey, the only home win in an AFC Championship Game in the Cowher era did come against a Harbaugh brother.

Why is Phil Simms the only guy in that booth still doing the headline games?