Buddy Ryan, defensive mastermind and begetter of hilarious coaches, will be honored at halftime tonight. Not that we’ll see any of that, what with the Lamest Three Minutes being the first priority of ESPN. Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with his tenures in Philly or Chicago, my version of the ceremony would simply be showing footage of the time Buddy punched Kevin Gilbride. It never get old.

If you watched the Eagles-Cowboys beatdown last Sunday, you might have heard Al Michaels mention that Michael Vick during the bye week “played some golf and bought a parrot”. Perfectly suitable stoner activities. This was welcome and KSKharacter affirming news on its own. Then today I happened upon this photo of Ookie posing with a parrot at a pet store.

And all became right with the world.

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Congrats on the Collinsworth-decreed SIGNATURE VICTORY for Matt Ryan, who benefited from sparsely mentioned quarterback Michael Vick getting injured, not to mention being bailed out consistently by the presumed dead naked vegan activist tight end Tony Gonzalez. Speaking of Gonzo, did you know he enjoys massively popular, but outdated blockbuster comedies? Just like us!

The Eagles very nearly pulled off the victory, despite having the aforementioned Vick leave while spitting up blood and other viscera. And seeing another receiver get destroyed by Dunta Robinson in a way that is sure to get the Falcons DB banned by the league, rolled into a carpet and shoved up Jerry Richardson’s asshole. In the end, future Eagles trade bait Mike Kafka played ably in defeat and, to his credit, was let down on the decisive 4th down play by the otherwise excellent Jeremy Maclin, the recipient of the latest Dunta brutality masterpiece. Falcons fans, meanwhile, were split on the matter of Vick getting hurt.

Some were like

Others were like

And still others did this for hours on end

But I think we can all agree, no matter your feelings on Vick or whatever team you root for, that it was fun to watch Brent Celek go from braying braggart to lifeless vessel in less than four seconds. HA HA, LOOGIT HIM DROP!

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

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Eagles and the Packers in the playoffs should evoke memories of the 4th and 26 conversion the Eagles pulled off en route to losing yet another NFC title game. If nothing else, it gave ESPN cause to dredge up the festering corpse of Freddie Mitchell. Fred-Ex had quite the recollection of the play. One might say incredibly delusional. Another might say hilariously self-absorbed. I’ll say DERPtarded.

You know that play is a love-hate play for me because that was the first time they threw to me the whole friggin’ game. I was blocking my ass off doing everything it took, doing the stuff that society doesn’t recognize.

A block that dare not speak its name.

That whole year sucked for me, and the next year sucked even more. But anyway…

Back to my flash in the pan…

I actually had to go tell the coaches that I was wide open and to throw me the ball. The coaches literally had to talk into Donovan’s headset and tell him I was wide open and to throw it to me.

Donovan looked at me in the huddle and said, “Ready?” And I said, “Dude, I’ve been ready the whole game.”

“Dude, I was born ready to tell you I was ready.”

I started reading the defense as soon as I got to the line of scrimmage. For most guys, it takes a lot of years to read defenses like that.

The name of the play was a 2 Jet Double Go. What it does is sends Pinkston and Thrash on “Go” routes and what I do, as the Sultan of Slot, is I read the middle. I had to take a certain angle that most young receivers wouldn’t have taken. Any other angle and it would have been a bum play. I was the master of finding holes, and I knew right where the hole would be. It was money.

Rookies would never be able to cram as many douchebag cliches into a single paragraph. Fred-Ex got at least a half dozen in there.

First of all Donovan’s pass was behind me and it was wobbly, but I had to take advantage of the opportunity that was presented to me. Right when I caught the pill, I kind of knew I had the yardage right away. I looked at the sticks and to see where I was at and I knew I got it. I felt like Michael Jordan hitting a last-second shot or Tiger Woods sinking a 50-foot putt.

Then I had to pull out the belt…

“And drop my pants so I could shit the bed on the rest of my career.”

The Eagles blowing their shot at a first-round bye by losing at home to Joe Webb? Sumptuous failure or DELIBERATE SABOTAGE AGAINST THE GIANTS, WHO NEED THE BEARS TO TRY TO BEAT THE PACKERS! I’ll take a glorious screwing over of two obnoxious NFC East teams in one night, thanks.

What I couldn’t truck, however, was this overwrought Springsteen overlaid montage for Favre’s lost season of bullshit. Yes, Favre’s 2010 pickkake had all the pathos of The Wrestler, a movie about a guy who kept pursuing a violent trade because he’s a wreck and has no money left and not a total drama queen hellbent on holding the entire sports world hostage to his need for attention for months at a time.

DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE

Though PK says it could use another pinch of nutmeg and maybe a drizzling of his lofty load.

Included for sheer Photoshop potential.

Normally, Ed Rendell is a never-ending font of fatheaded Filthydelphia f*cktardery, but I’ll give the Pennsylvania governor credit for ragging on The Rog for postponing the Vikes-Eagles game on Sunday on account of a blizzard. And he threw in some right fine racial stereotyping for good measure.

If this was in China, do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? He’s right, the people would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked, and they would be doing calculus on the way down.

And when they got there, they wouldn’t even watch the game until they finished their piano lesson! And if they complained – BLAM! – gunned down on the spot. Won’t even do the decency of hauling away your corpse. Just let you bleed out all over South Street. That’s the America I want to live in: China!

I guess it is ironic that the Eagles ever won a title.

Derpwhile, Ol’ Brittfar remains listed as doubtful, though he’ll probably pull some horseshit an hour before kickoff, whether he actually starts or not. Don’t know about you guys, but I got enough brainless knob slobbing for ill-advised throws last night with Breesus, so we’re probably set for the rest of our lives. Thanks anyway, Favraro. Please watch your career’s final primetime loss on the sideline like a nice Dongslinger.

And to get the endless fantasy discussion started, what with many a league championship being determined tonight, I’ll give you the outlook of my three teams still in contention.

Semifinal – Down 13. Starting DeSean. Opponent’s starters are all done. That’s a solid maybe.
Semifinal – Up 31. Starting Vick. Opponent has DeSean and LeSean. Probably good here.
Championship game – Up two. Starting Maclin. Opponent (Maj) has Vick. I’m boned.

Unless that’s supposed to be Michael Vick. It’d explain all the football jerseys in the clip. Still, does NMA not have any character models for non-Asians who aren’t white? flubby joked that he hates it when M. Night Shyamalan puts himself in his movies, which also works because Shymalan grew up in Philly. And because it will one day suddenly be revealed that Vick was only ostensibly fighting dogs that were really aliens. By stopping his dog fighting ring, we’ve only allowed the alien population to propagate to a point that we cannot stop them. Doom: sealed. Vampires: reversed.

Reader Brendan sent in this flickr image of some of the Burgundy-and-Gold faithful who witnessed Michael Vick have his way with the Redskins on a nationally televised rape stand. Thank you, Brendan. This sight is so much sexier without the basketball jersey.

My favorite stat from last night? The ‘Skins were 0-for-10 on third down with three interceptions. That’s delightful. Additional images of Redskin-related schadenfreude continue below:

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Your Meast for Week 10 is Michael Vick, obviously. Jerricho Cotchery made a Measty play where he suffered a slight groin tear and still made catch for a first down in overtime in Cleveland. And that’s nice; he’s to be commended, for sure. But, really, it couldn’t be anyone else but Ookie.

Captain Hindsight: There are two dozen teams that should have signed Michael Vick during the summer of 2009. The 49ers could have turned around their franchise!

I can’t tell you how appreciative I was of LaRon Landry getting torched for 88-yards on the opening play. Diptwat D.C. media goes out of its way to portray Landry on par with other elite safeties in the league. He makes a big play every so often, sure, but those only come after he gets beat horribly in coverage a couple times. Oh and he made it that much satisfying by talking a ton of shit to DeSean before the game started.

Your Least for Week 10 is New Meadowlands Stadium, which underwent two blackouts during the third quarter of Sunday’s game between the Giants and Cowboys.

That’s something you like to see out of a $1.6 billion stadium in its first year of operation. While there were reports of brawls in the blacked out sections of the stadium, the CEO of the New Meadowlands later said incidents involving security were about on par with a usual Cowboys-Giants game. Which makes sense, actually. Has scrutiny ever been known to stop Jersey meatheads from causing trouble?

We also considered Chansi Stuckey for fumbling away what was shaping up to be a Browns upset of the Jets in overtime, as well as the Texans’ Glover Quin for generally posting a horrible effort against Jacksonville which was capped by tipping the Jags’ Hail Mary forward into the waiting hands of Mike Thomas. Also, we gave Favre his usual Least consideration, but a Favre Least never quite feels right unless it involves a pick-six on a potential tying or winning drive.