In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Losing is not an excuse for apathy, young man! I want you to come down here and be a part of this team again!

Ocho: Hold on, coach! Comin’! What’s the scoop? What’s going on? Why didn’t you let Ocho play last night?

Marvin: I told you, Chad. You were late for the team meeting. So I had to suspend you indefinitely.

Ocho: Well, if I wasn’t DEFINITELY suspended, then why couldn’t I play?

Marvin: No, that’s not what that word means, Chad. It means that you are suspended for an indefinite period of time.

Ocho: Well, if you can’t define that period of time, why don’t you let me? I think I should have only been suspended for, like, a minute. Maybe four.

Marvin: No, Chad. You didn’t deserve to be suspended for only a minute. You needed to be suspended for the entire game because of your insubordination.

Ocho: I was suspended for insubordination? That’s BULLSHIT, man! You should be thanking me. Normally, Coach Bratkowski has to do all the offensive insubordinatin’. Why you suspending Ocho for helping his ass out?

Marvin: That offensive coordinating. Not the same thing. This is what I keep talking about, Chad. You keep making mistakes, and then failing miserably to own up to them. I have no choice but to keep you deactivated until I deem you fit to return to the field.

Ocho: LOOK AT ME! I’M FIT!

Marvin: Again, not what I meant.

Ocho: Coach, coach. I already said I was sorry I missed the meeting YO. I already told you, I was sleeping.

Marvin: That’s not a good excuse, Chad. You get plenty of time for sleeping during the night. There’s no reason you can’t show up to a 10 o’clock meeting.

Ocho: All right. All right. Okay, coach. I didn’t wanna say nothing about this, but I have to. The truth is, I haven’t been sleeping good. At all. I think I have a touch of the ammonia.

Marvin: Insomnia.

Ocho: Whatever. It’s just… it’s hard for me to sleep, know what I mean? I got a lot on my mind. Lotta shit goin’ down in OchoWorld, know what I mean?

Marvin: Thankfully, no.

Ocho: It’s just… sometimes at night, I just can’t get to sleeping. I think about shit, you know? I think about, like, letters. You ever think about letters, Coach? I do. And you know what? I really do not like the letter Y. It bothers me, you know?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: It’s just… what’s the point of it? It’s such a gay letter. Everybody’s saying shit like, “Hey Ocho, Y did you sit crosslegged on that one play?” Or, “Hey Ocho, Y did you put mashed potatoes in the toilet?” I don’t like that letter.

Marvin: Okay, that’s not the letter Y. That’s the word “Why,” which is spelled W-H-Y.

Ocho: But Y is in that shit! You see? What’s it doing there?

Marvin: Become sometimes the letter Y acts as a vowel, rather than a consonant.

Ocho: Well, how the fuck does it do that? Where does that letter get off thinking it’s all Optimus Prime and shit?

Marvin: It’s just a letter, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but it shouldn’t be. We’ve got so many better letters out there. Like X. That’s a good letter. LOOK OUT BITCHES, THIS MOVIE IS RATED X! That’s solid. I like Z too. It’s so sharp, you know? Like, Z is all, BACK OFF MUTHAPHUCKKA OR I’LL CUT YO ASS! That’s not a gay letter. That’s a letter that will do some fuckin’. Know what I mean?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Also, the letter Y looks like a slingshot. And I don’t like it when we use letters as weapons. You don’t see any gun-shaped letters. That would be bad for the kids.

Marvin: I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s Y. It’s a letter. It isn’t malevolent in any way. It serves an important phonetic role in how we speak. You use the letter Y to make a “yuh” sound.

Ocho: Yuh? Who the fuck says Yuh? That’s Eskimo shit.

Marvin: It’s not a word. It’s sound you make to pronounce the rest of the word. If I say the word “Young,” I need the Y sound in order to pronounce it correctly. Do you see what I mean?

Ocho: See, I think you’re just making it all up.

Marvin: I’m not making it up. They teach this stuff in first grade, Chad.

Ocho: You know what would be a good letter? The happy face.

You see a happy face, you know what that shit means. That would be a good letter.

Marvin: Okay, a happy face is not a letter.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t. It’s a fucking drawing.

Ocho: But that’s because you only THINK of it like that, know what I mean? It could be a letter if we wanted it to be.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t. It doesn’t represent any kind of phonetic speech command.

Ocho: Sure it does. It says, HEY LOOK AT ME I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL HAPPY AND SHIT!

Marvin: Again, it’s not a letter. It’s a drawing. It can’t be a letter.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. What if it used to be a letter and they just left it out by accident?

Marvin: They didn’t.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. You can’t possibly know that. You weren’t there when they did it.

Marvin: It doesn’t matter. Trust me. There was never meant to be a happy face in the alphabet.

Ocho: Okay, well let me ask you a question then. You got kids, right?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: They ever sing the Alphabet Song?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: Are they HAPPY when they finish singing it?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: I rest my case. There’s clearly supposed to be a happy face at the end of that shit. You know what else would make a good letter? A Snickers bar.

That way, you could be reading through some word and be reminded OH SNAP! I FORGOT TO FUCKING EAT!

Marvin: A Snickers bar would not be a good letter.

Ocho: Give me one good reason why it wouldn’t be a kickass letter.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. THE DEPTHS OF YOUR RETARDERY HAVE NOW REACHED A NEW FUCKING LOW. THIS IS WHY I FUCKING SUSPENDED YOU, YOU EMPTY-HEADED DOORSTOP. I’M TRYING TO SAVE MY FUCKING JOB, AND I HAVE A RECEIVER WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO SHOW UP FOR PRACTICE BECAUSE HE’S TOO BUSY THINKING UP NEW, FUCKING STUPID LETTERS FOR AN ALPHABET THAT HAS ALREADY SERVED THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD WELL FOR FUCKING CENTURIES.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ? OR WRITE? ARE YOU FUCKING ILLITERATE? I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE I’M ARGUING WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT A FUCKING CANDY BAR BELONGS IN THE GROUP OF SYMBOLS WE USE FOR DAILY COMMUNICATION. THAT’S HOW FUCKING DUMB YOU ARE, CHAD. YOU MAKE EVERYONE AROUND YOU NEARLY AS FUCKING RETARDED AS YOU ARE. SO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP, ASSHOLE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? DON’T EVER WAKE UP. BECAUSE ANOTHER HOUR OF YOU AWAKE IS ANOTHER HOUR THE WORLD’S BRAIN CELLS ARE SUBJECT TO MASS FUCKING GENOCIDE.

A FUCKING HAPPY FACE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: You know what else would make a good letter? A knife. Ray Lewis agrees with me on that. It would be like Z. Just really badass to have in there. It’d be like, NOW I KNOW MY A-B-KNIFE, NEXT TIME MAYBE I’LL TAKE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! I need you to come do something! Let’s go! You gotta help out if you’re gonna stay here, you know.

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s goin’ on? What do I need to do?

Marvin: I need you to feed the dog.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. What’s the scoop?

Marvin: Just open up a can of Alpo, empty it into his dish, and cut it up a bit so he can eat it easily. Then put it on the floor.

Ocho: That’s it?

Marvin: Yeah.

Ocho: How come he’s not eating with us?

Marvin: What do you mean?

Ocho: How come he has to eat on the floor? Why can’t he eat with us at the dinner table?

Marvin: Because he’s a dog. He can’t sit at a table. Or use a knife and fork.

Ocho: I think you’re wrong. I think you’re just too lazy to train him to do that.

Marvin: No, it’s not me being lazy. It’s that training a dog to use dining utensils is an impossibility. They physically cannot do it.

Ocho: See, I think that’s some bullshit. ‘Cause I’ve seen a dog do that.

Marvin: Where?

Ocho: On the TV. I saw this dog sitting at the table, eating a steak, and then this big cracka rooster came up to him and was like, “I SAY I SAY I SAY, BOY! I reckon that you and that chickenhawk are in cahoots!”

Marvin: Okay, that was “Foghorn Leghorn”. That’s a cartoon. A drawing. That didn’t actually happen. A dog can’t do that.

Ocho: Yeah, but what I’m sayin’ is: How would the cartoon man know how to draw that if he never saw dogs do it in real life? You know what I mean? He had to have, like, traced it from a real dog.

Marvin: No, he drew it from his imagination. He never saw a dog actually using a knife and fork. He created a mental image of it and then drew it from that mental image.

Ocho: Oh, so you’re telling me that Mr. Cartoon Man is all superpowered like that? PLEASE.

Marvin: Again, he drew it from imagination. There are many things in the world that are not physically possible, but that doesn’t stop us from imagining those things happening. It’s quite a common ability. For instance, if I were to, I don’t know, create a mental image of you passing a remedial reading test, that’s my IMAGINATION at work. That would never actually happen.

Ocho: Yeah, but why couldn’t a dog eat with a knife and fork? Why is that so hard? We teach them to sit. We teach them to roll over. We teach them to foil Dr. Claw.

Marvin: No, we don’t teach them to foil Dr. Claw. That’s Brain, the dog from “Inspector Gadget.” Again, a cartoon.

Ocho: I’m just saying it seems very lazy, is all. I think maybe you don’t WANT to eat with the dog. That, if you had to eat dinner with the dog, you might have to talk about stuff you don’t really want to talk about.

Marvin: Dogs can’t talk, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should! They should be able to eat dinner with you, and talk, and play baseball with you, just like Bugs Bunny can.

Marvin: Rabbits cannot play baseball.

Ocho: Yes, they can! They’re fucking great at it! They catch their own pop flies and shit!

Marvin: Again, Bugs Bunny is a cartoon. A two-dimensional drawing. Rabbits can’t play baseball. They lack the hand-eye coordination. In fact, they lack hands altogether.

Ocho: But, if they DID have hands, then they could play baseball.

Marvin: But they don’t have hands.

Ocho: But they COULD. I see hands lying around all the time. There’s no reason we couldn’t, like, stitch that shit on a rabbit, so that he could play baseball with the rest of us.

Marvin: What do you mean, you see hands lying around all the time?

Ocho: Like in “Addams Family Values”. There was this hand running around all over the place. And it seemed like a waste, you know? Because some rabbit out there could use that hand, and it was just wasting time running around on its own. Why not get THAT hand and put it on a rabbit?

Marvin: Okay, that hand is called Thing. And Thing is not a real hand. That was a computerized effect. There aren’t random, active, living severed hands skittering about. And, even if there were, why would we put them on rabbits when there are real people out there, burn victims and what not, who could use those hands more? You see the flaw in your reasoning? How are you even going to attach it to the rabbit? It doesn’t have a fucking WRIST. Attaching a hand to someone means dealing with an incredibly complex network of blood vessels, nerves, and muscle tissue.

Ocho: How do you know? You’re no biographer! You’re no Doris Kearns Goodbar!

Marvin: I’m telling you, a rabbit would reject that hand. It doesn’t have the capacity to use a human hand, even if you stitched it on. Which you can’t. Because, again, it has no arm. Or wrist.

Ocho: It don’t need a wrist. You could just attach it to the head of the rabbit.

Marvin: You want to attach it to the rabbit’s head?

Ocho: Yeah. That way, you can really see it waving from center field. It’d be all like, “THIS FLY BALL IS MINE, BITCHES!” It could play baseball, or basketball.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t. Rabbits cannot play basketball.

Ocho: Yes, they can. Rabbits like to fuck, right? They make lots of babies, right? Well, they’re just like NBA players then. I could totally see a bunny running the point. He’d keep the ball so low! How you gonna get that ball? He’d be all dribbling between defenders and shit. I bet a team of rabbits could beat the Greeks if you gave them head-hands.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: If you got some that had been arrested and shit, you could. They’d have the right attitude, just like the Bengals used to have.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I ASKED YOU TO FEED THE FUCKING DOG. WHY CAN’T I ASK YOU TO DO A SIMPLE FUCKING TASK WITHOUT YOU DRAGGING ME INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT RABBITS RUNNING AROUND WITH FUCKING HANDS SEWN ONTO THEIR HEADS? WHAT FUCKING GALAXY DO YOU COME FROM? DID AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION SEND YOU HERE TO FUCKING DESTROY US ALL WITH YOUR NUCLEAR IDIOCY?

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T WIN A GAME, YOU FUCKING SAVANT. WE CAN’T WIN A GAME BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THE FOCUS OF A GODDAMN SHOTGUN BLAST. MY BRAIN HURTS. MY FUCKING BRAIN HURTS BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB. EVERY TIME, CHAD. EVERY TIME I TALK YOU, I NEED FUCKING EXCEDRIN BECAUSE IT HURTS ME TO CONTEMPLATE JUST HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU ARE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?

Ocho: See now, Bugs Bunny knows a doc. So I bet he could help get your head looked at. Ray Lewis can probably give you a referral too, if you want.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.