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I don’t think I like these new energy efficient light bulbs. They have this fancy new design that makes it look like some kind of pasta noodle, but why? Why design the glass part of the bulb to look like the screw part of the bulb? How do we know which end to stick into the socket? If we really wanted to be energy efficient, we’d all settle for candle wax stains in our carpeting.

Kurt Warner only threw two incomplete passes in Arizona’s win over Jacksonville Sunday. Nobody seems to want to watch the Jaguars play this season, but why? I think it’s because of Warner’s outspoken love for Jesus. And maybe something to do with the economy, too. Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.

Everyone seems surprised that the Bears beat the Steelers last week in a pouring rain. Pro football makes its players play in the rain. That doesn’t happen in baseball, since the first baseball players in America were made entirely of sugar. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler isn’t made of sugar or spice or anything nice at all. How could somebody making so much money look so upset all the time. I have one guess. Hemorrhoids.

Jerry Jones opened a new stadium for the Dallas Cowboys over the weekend, but why? What was wrong with the old stadium. He made the roof the same shape and the seats the same color. Nobody would build a bigger house and then make it the same as their old house. That just seems silly to me. And then the New York Giants came over and beat the Cowboys on a last-second field goal. Usually in new surroundings, it’s the dog that soils the rug first.

People in Washington seem upset that Washington only beat the St. Louis Rams by two points Sunday, but why? They won the game, and yet people are still talking about firing Jim Zorn. It’s true that people get fired in Washington all the time, whether they’re doing their jobs or not. But I notice that Jim Zorn might be one of the skinniest coaches in the league. Surely it wouldn’t cost much to move him. Surely Dan Synder is keeping Zorn on staff because he costs less to feed.

The Miami Dolphins had the football for 45 minutes in their Monday Night game. And they still lost, but why? Why not take some of that time holding the football and just hide it? Peyton Manning can make all the hand signals he wants, but he can’t score a point if he can’t find the ball. I remember when I was in prep school; we used to take the smallest girls we could find and lock them in the janitor’s closet. Then we would tell the freshmen that the janitor was a child molester. Turns out he actually was, but none of us knew that at the time. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

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People say baseball is the American pastime. But what about football? More Americans watch football on Sundays than anything else on television. But baseball gets more viewers during the week. But that’s probably because football games aren’t played during the week. But there’s not much tackling in baseball. Or padding. It’s probably because of the summer heat, which is much hotter than winter heat, or even autumn heat.

Pittsburgh and Tennessee played on Thursday. One team is named after a city, and the other team is named after a state, but why? I don’t like teams being named after entire states, so I’m glad that the team named after a city won the game. Next year the NFL might name a team after the entire country. They’ll try to get everyone rooting for the United States Jaguars.

Donovan McNabb was hurt in his game on Sunday, but why? It was very common in the pre-industrial days for Negroes to fake injuries to get out work. The same thing happened to Juanita, my housekeeper. She’s Puerto Rican, but you get the idea.

Brandon Stokley caught a tipped pass and then ran all the way to the endzone. He tried to take more time by running parallel to the goaline for a while, but why? Why are the white players trying to make friends with certain parts of the field? I remember back in my Army days when I had a special courtship with a certain mailbox on 43rd and Broadway. I’ll always remember that mailbox. That was the second time my genitals got infected with tetanus. The nurses never seemed to mind the first time.

Seattle scored 28 points and shut out the St. Louis Rams. The Rams wear blue helmets with gold horns, but the horns used to be yellow. They changed the colors a few years ago, but why? I remember when the horns used to be white. It would be too dark on the helmet to make them black. The Vikings still have white horns on their helmets, but that’s probably because there aren’t any Negroes in Minnesota.

Drew Brees plays for the New Orleans Saints, and he threw six touchdowns against the Detroit Lions on Sunday. It wasn’t long ago when New Orleans was ravaged by a hurricane, and just recently people in Detroit lost their jobs when the job market crashed. None of this has anything to do with Drew Brees. I just think it’s interesting.

There were two games on Monday night this week, but why? Why not just have all the games on Monday night, and let people decide which games to watch. They could listen to the game on the phone if they wanted to. I remember when phones still had cords on them. You could swing the phone around on the cord all the time. It was a perfect device for getting the lady of the house back in line. But I couldn’t do that if I have to watch two football games on Monday night. There’s so little time for beating your wife during the week as it is. None of this has anything to do with football. I just think it’s interesting.

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I’m surprised we don’t see more of this with a 47-man active roster limit. I mean, you need a kicker AND a punter, just so those two have each other to jerk off during two-a-days, but why not have that sort of Swiss Army player that can learn positions on different sides of the ball?

Truth is, it does happen to some degree within a specific offense or defensive unit. Unless a high-profile left tackle was a 1st-round pick in the Draft, he almost always has to learn all the other offensive line positions. Defensive ends and linebackers have similar mental workloads, especially in a zone blitz scheme where linemen are asked to drop into pass coverage (from a three-point stance, no less). Hell, I can barely pop off the couch to answer a phone call before the third ring.

It’s made out to be a bigger deal when a guy does it on offense AND defense, and it should be. But imagine being a 50-year-old sportswriter at some newspaper, longing for the days of Concrete Charlie when this story came along the wire last season. OMG HE PLAYED BOTH WAYS MY BONER JUST CRASHED INTO MY MAHOGANY DESK NOM NOM NOM. I don’t know, I’m assuming he’d be eating something. And then when dude found out it was a white guy that did it, he probably blasted a load clear down to the classifieds desk.

So yeah, it’s a fun anomaly; I guess I’m just surprised we don’t see more of it. But then some guys bitch and moan when being asked to move from inside linebacker to outside linebacker. I can see why the old guys like that sort of thing.

Here’s a closer look at what some of these jolly, candy-like buttons can do:

1- Nice old man reassures you that Ted Ginn, Jr.’s breakout season is “just around the corner”

2- Alternate audio track: Bill Parcells questions your manhood.

3- WILDCAT! WILDCAT! WILDCAT!

4- Ricky Williams’ option play (puff/pass)

5- Switch from Dolphins game to Miami’s favorite NFL team (N.Y. Giants, duh)

6- Greg Camarillo Grit-o-Meter (current reading: “extra coarse”)

[ Bloomberg ]

Old people at a Dallas area nursing home were recently treated to a meet and greet with members of the world famous Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad, ostensibly for the purpose of mocking their useless withered genitalia.

Continue after the jump for more images from the depressingly arousing gallery.

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Star Community Newspapers via Busted Coverage

Let’s break it down, shall we?

0:02 I can’t decide if ‘Captain Bijou’ sounds like a gay stripper or a third-rate super hero. “Able leap an intrusive ad in a single bound!”

0:06 “The question football fans ask me more than any other: Do you ever worry about getting caught shagging a flight attendant in a bugged motel room? And to answer that question: No. No, I do not.”

0:13 Wasn’t Vince Lombardi the offensive coordinator for the Giants during Gifford’s glory days? Are we to believe one of the true coaching geniuses in football let these hung-over jokesters hash out the plays in the huddle?

0:20 Looks like Hall of Fame lineman Rosey Brown isn’t included in this commercial. I can’t imagine why. Maybe he wasn’t a smoker.

0:32 “After a game and a good shower I always get lucky, with Lucky Strike… and your grandmother.”

0:42 L.S. / M.F.T. Lucky Strike Makes Frank something-that-starts-with-T. Shit, I never was any good at stuff like that.

0:53 Christmas cigarette cartons. Pictures of pinecones and bows are a festive holiday way to ease the pain of your lung cancer and emphysema.

1:05 Dude, we are not going to your site.

SAUSAGES

SAUSAGES

OLD WHITE LINEBACKERS

SAUSAGES

SAUSAGES

ALL ASANTE’S FAULT

SAUSAGES

SAUSAGES

SAUSAGES

MORE WHITE PLAYERS FROM THE DOLPHINS

SAUSAGES

SAUSAGES

SAUSAGES

OLD WHITE LINEBACKERS

SAUSAGES

SAUSAGES

STOP BEATING ME

SAUSAGES

Some highlights of Weinke’s career:

- Played six years of minor league baseball, probably dusted off many a tired vagina on road trips during a mediocre career as a struggling third baseman, playing with many future stars such as Juan Marichal and Goose Gossage.

- Enrolled at Florida State to play football at Florida State, probably slipped Captain Weinke into some coeds over at FSU that were less than half his age plus seven.

- Became the first player to win the Heisman Trophy with erectile dysfunction.

- started 27 games in the NFL, all with the Panthers. Was eventually replaced by Rodney Peete, who was replaced by a celibate homeless guy at the Charlotte Bus Station, who was replaced by Jake Delhomme.

Weinke will probably spend time getting back to Jesus; they’ve lost touch since they went to elementary school together.