I don’t think I like these new energy efficient light bulbs. They have this fancy new design that makes it look like some kind of pasta noodle, but why? Why design the glass part of the bulb to look like the screw part of the bulb? How do we know which end to stick into the socket? If we really wanted to be energy efficient, we’d all settle for candle wax stains in our carpeting. (more…)
People say baseball is the American pastime. But what about football? More Americans watch football on Sundays than anything else on television. But baseball gets more viewers during the week. But that’s probably because football games aren’t played during the week. But there’s not much tackling in baseball. Or padding. It’s probably because of the summer heat, which is much hotter than winter heat, or even autumn heat. (more…)
When you go both ways in the NFL, it’s not a gay thing, it’s a very awesome, badass thing. The second-year player is splitting time in OTAs, getting reps at fullback on offense and linebacker on defense. He also figures to be involved in all four special teams, call all the passing plays and serve refreshments to luxury suite holders at the half.
I’m surprised we don’t see more of this with a 47-man active roster limit. I mean, you need a kicker AND a punter, just so those two have each other to jerk off during two-a-days, but why not have that sort of Swiss Army player that can learn positions on different sides of the ball?
Truth is, it does happen to some degree within a specific offense or defensive unit. Unless a high-profile left tackle was a 1st-round pick in the Draft, he almost always has to learn all the other offensive line positions. Defensive ends and linebackers have similar mental workloads, especially in a zone blitz scheme where linemen are asked to drop into pass coverage (from a three-point stance, no less). Hell, I can barely pop off the couch to answer a phone call before the third ring.
It’s made out to be a bigger deal when a guy does it on offense AND defense, and it should be. But imagine being a 50-year-old sportswriter at some newspaper, longing for the days of Concrete Charlie when this story came along the wire last season. OMG HE PLAYED BOTH WAYS MY BONER JUST CRASHED INTO MY MAHOGANY DESK NOM NOM NOM. I don’t know, I’m assuming he’d be eating something. And then when dude found out it was a white guy that did it, he probably blasted a load clear down to the classifieds desk.
So yeah, it’s a fun anomaly; I guess I’m just surprised we don’t see more of it. But then some guys bitch and moan when being asked to move from inside linebacker to outside linebacker. I can see why the old guys like that sort of thing.
This season the Miami Dolphins will furnish hand-held gizmos to 5,000 preferred season ticker holders. These devices– manufactured by Kangaroo Media– will allow fans to watch replays, access statistics and send text messages during the game. Y’know, all the things you could do for much, much less if you were watching from the comfort of your home.
“Holy crap, I need to start visiting grandpa more often!”
Old people at a Dallas area nursing home were recently treated to a meet and greet with members of the world famous Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad, ostensibly for the purpose of mocking their useless withered genitalia.
Continue after the jump for more images from the depressingly arousing gallery. (more…)
Today we have Frank Gifford, in all his wood-paneled splendor, extolling the virtues of Lucky Strike cigarettes and giving us a glimpse inside the mysterious huddles of the pre-Super Bowl era (a.k.a. the Dark Ages). Here the All-Pro halfback shows us the finer points of offense—and manliness.
Let’s break it down, shall we?
0:02 I can’t decide if ‘Captain Bijou’ sounds like a gay stripper or a third-rate super hero. “Able leap an intrusive ad in a single bound!”
0:06 “The question football fans ask me more than any other: Do you ever worry about getting caught shagging a flight attendant in a bugged motel room? And to answer that question: No. No, I do not.”
0:13 Wasn’t Vince Lombardi the offensive coordinator for the Giants during Gifford’s glory days? Are we to believe one of the true coaching geniuses in football let these hung-over jokesters hash out the plays in the huddle?
0:20 Looks like Hall of Fame lineman Rosey Brown isn’t included in this commercial. I can’t imagine why. Maybe he wasn’t a smoker.
0:32 “After a game and a good shower I always get lucky, with Lucky Strike… and your grandmother.”
0:42 L.S. / M.F.T. Lucky Strike Makes Frank something-that-starts-with-T. Shit, I never was any good at stuff like that.
0:53 Christmas cigarette cartons. Pictures of pinecones and bows are a festive holiday way to ease the pain of your lung cancer and emphysema.
1:05 Dude, we are not going to your site.
So there we have it, Frank Gifford is a man’s man and you are a wuss. Four seconds after that commercial shoot was over, Giff had a scotch in his hand, some swing on the hi-fi and a redhead on his lap. Meanwhile, what are doing? Sipping on some coffee and reading a fruity sports blog? You make Frank Gifford sick, you pansy.
The Panthers cut QB Chris Weinke, arguably the most uninspiring two-sport athlete of our generation, on Tuesday. Yeah, hard to believe that drafting a 28-year-old quarterback didn’t pay greater dividends for them.
Some highlights of Weinke’s career:
- Played six years of minor league baseball, probably dusted off many a tired vagina on road trips during a mediocre career as a struggling third baseman, playing with many future stars such as Juan Marichal and Goose Gossage.
- Enrolled at Florida State to play football at Florida State, probably slipped Captain Weinke into some coeds over at FSU that were less than half his age plus seven.
- Became the first player to win the Heisman Trophy with erectile dysfunction.
- started 27 games in the NFL, all with the Panthers. Was eventually replaced by Rodney Peete, who was replaced by a celibate homeless guy at the Charlotte Bus Station, who was replaced by Jake Delhomme.
Weinke will probably spend time getting back to Jesus; they’ve lost touch since they went to elementary school together.
When you go both ways in the NFL, it’s not a gay thing, it’s a very awesome, badass thing. The second-year player is splitting time in OTAs, getting reps at fullback on offense and linebacker on defense. He also figures to be involved in all four special teams, call all the passing plays and serve refreshments to luxury suite holders at the half. 
