Kissing Suzy Kolber » OJ http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com KSK is a humor site dedicated solely to the NFL. Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:05:16 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Don’t Hate The Black Male, Hate The Game http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/12/dont-hate-the-black-male-hate-the-game.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/12/dont-hate-the-black-male-hate-the-game.html#comments Sat, 06 Dec 2008 12:48:51 +0000 Big Daddy Drew http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=8171

From ESPN comes this delightful photo of George Clinton, who is fucking PISSED about the OJ sentencing. Stupid black male haters.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/12/dont-hate-the-black-male-hate-the-game.html/feed 46 Nobody Puts Leather Together Like Dingo! http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/nobody-puts-leather-together-like-dingo.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/nobody-puts-leather-together-like-dingo.html#comments Thu, 20 Sep 2007 18:42:00 +0000 Big Daddy Drew http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/nobody-puts-leather-together-like-dingo.html

Reader Slimmons (A Marine! Fuck yeah!) sends us these authentic OJ Simpson print ads from the 1970′s. Just in time for OJ’s latest Western adventure strongarming people in their hotel rooms. I have no idea why they art directed an extra right leg into each of these ads. I’m just assuming OJ likes having a spare limb handy. Some quick advice from the Juice in this ad:

Boots have to look great, but they also have to be made for whatever you’re going to be doing in them.

Thanks, Juice! Too bad Bruno Magli shoes aren’t made the same way.

And flubby dug up this comic book ad for OJ’s Juicemobile multi-purpose shoes. Built for fleeing!


And, lastly, here’s an old douche ad that has nothing to do with anything. But it’s about douche, so who am I to resist?

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/nobody-puts-leather-together-like-dingo.html/feed 19 A Peek Inside OJ’s Mailbox http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/peek-inside-ojs-mailbox.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/peek-inside-ojs-mailbox.html#comments Tue, 18 Sep 2007 17:45:00 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/a-peek-inside-ojs-mailbox.html
Another scrape with the law has brought everyone’s favorite Leslie Nielsen sidekick/amateur decapitator back into the public consciousness. Of course white people everywhere are reacting like they’ve won the lottery (white people winning the lottery? that’ll never happen!), the expectation of comeuppance is palpable. In the past few days Orenthal’s mailbox has been filling up with thank you notes and messages of admiration from all over the Caucasian community. Let’s take a look at some of the more notable inclusions…

Yo OJ,

Just ’cause some assholes stole your shit doesn’t mean you can pull out a piece…unless you’re in Florida.

Meastly Yours,
Sean Taylor

———————————————————————

Dear Juice,

I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.

Longing Gaping for you,
Kim Kardashian

P.S. I’m not talking about a conjugal trailer…

———————————————————————

Dear Mr. Simpson,

Stay the fuck away from my daughter.

Sincerely,
Robert Kardashian

———————————————————————

Dear OJ,

+1

Your pal,
Robert Blake

———————————————————————

Dear Asshole,

All your memorabilia are belong to us.

Signed,
The Goldmans

———————————————————————

Dear OJ,

Thanks a million!

Sincerely,
Nancy Grace, Dan Abrams, Keith Olbermann, Glen Beck, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno, Lorne Michaels, Sean Hannity, Shephard Smith, Mark Fuhrman, and every single talk radio host in America

———————————————————————

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/peek-inside-ojs-mailbox.html/feed 40 Try to Tackle the Juice and He’ll Cut Your Ass http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/07/try-to-tackle-juice-and-hell-cut-your.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/07/try-to-tackle-juice-and-hell-cut-your.html#comments Tue, 24 Jul 2007 05:00:00 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/07/try-to-tackle-the-juice-and-hell-cut-your-ass.html
Remember OJ? He’s back! In pog video game form!

You might have heard about this new game, All-Pro Football 2K8 (that’s gamer language for “Too Kate” — which I assume is a a tender dedication from the game’s programmer to e-lover). It’s the one that couldn’t get licensing from the NFL so they simply created their own fictional franchises and stocked the rosters with former NFL legends. While the game’s cover features such respectable citizens as John Elway, Jerry Rice, and Barry Sanders (very careful to put the white guy in the middle) the real star is on the inside…

(watch it all, the highlight comes at the very end).

Now let’s recap…

You’ve got OJ Simpson in a video game. Fair enough.

You make OJ the star player on a team called The Assassins. Pretty Questionable.

Your mascot for the Assassins is a giant, hooded, knife-wielding maniac who celebrates touchdowns with a stabbing motion? Bellissimo!

I find this intriguing and I believe it’s my duty to expand on the idea. Here are my suggestions for All-Pro Football 2K9 (e-bestiality is not cool!)…

Player
Rae Carruth
Team
The Toofers
Mascot:

Player
Ricky Williams
Team
The Bong Squad
Mascot:

via BreakTaker.com

Player
Mark Chmura
Team
The Predators
Logo:

Players
Jerramy Stevens and Leonard Little*
Team
The Breathalyzerz
Mascot and Logo:



*at least one of them should be out of the league by then.

We welcome your Player/Team/Mascot (and/or logo) suggestions in the comments.

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