Two of the elder franchises, each with a massive and surpassingly obnoxious fanbase, take on some Southern teams with followers made complacent by early success and NASCAR. Homefield advantage is on the line in each conference, even if all four of these teams are assured a first-round bye anyway and we all know at least one of them will be upset in the divisional round. Still, let’s pretend we’ll got a lot of NFL Playoffs chalk, so WHO YA GOT?

When asked by a reporter why he thinks the Ravens hate everyone’s favolite smalt smirretime leceivel, Hines Ward was at a loss. After all, the Ravens put a bounty on him then issued a bullshit denial to the media so they wouldn’t get suspended. After mulling it over a bit, Hines gave a very telling answer:

Hating Hines’ smirre? That’s like hating puppy dogs, big luscious titties or The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray. It’s impossible. And here I thought I was capable of unreasoning hate. You Ratbirds are sick! Sick, I say!

Anyway, I’d like to wish dick/vaginal rot on the NFL scheduling people for moving this game to the 4 p.m. slot. See, I was out of town for my mom’s birthday back in August (getting yelled at by Warren Sapp), so I promised I’d take her to a play or concert of her choosing. Well, there was a lot of conflict in our schedules, but eventually she picked Trans-Siberian Orchestra at Verizon Center on Dec. 14. “Wait! That’s the day of the Ravens game.” Luckily, there were two shows, one at 2 and one at 7:30. Being a Smarty von Smartpants, I got tickets to the later show, figuring, “Hey, I won’t be able to go up to Baltimore again for the game (not like it helped the last three years), but I can still watch it at the Steelers bar. It’ll end at 4, then I’ll have plenty of time to mosey over to the restaurant and meet by mom for dinner at a quarter to 6.” Of course, I didn’t count on getting schedule-raped by the NFL. Fuckers.

MMOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM C’MON! IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE YEAR! GAWD!

I could probably watch the first few drives before I have to leave, but I’m not going to torture myself like that. If I watch so much as the opening kickoff, there’s no chance I’m leaving until it’s over. Therefore, I’m DVRing this bitch, keeping my phone off and ignoring any person who tries to converse with me about any subject, lest they somehow tip the score. And don’t think the idea of eating the $100 I spent on the tickets and telling my mom to go with someone else hasn’t crossed my mind. But noooooo I’m a good son (YOU HEAR THAT, KARMA!?).

Fuck.

So, yeah, I’ll be having fun pissing off my neighbors by yelling at my TV from 10 ’til 1 in the morning. And bear in mind that if the Steelers lose I won’t be getting your gloating comments for a while, so you might want to address them to Future Ape. He’ll fume at them in due time.