DIRECTOR: Alright, everyone are we ready? Great shoot so far, everyone! People are really going to love this new Value Meal commercial. Alright ready lights… ready camera…and–
[cell phone rings]
Ahh, dammit! I have to get this. Everybody take five, alright? [crew disperses] (more…)
We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, we present you with the weekly off-topic/offseason feature…
KOBE BRYANT: Oh my Lord, this is the greatest feeling ever! Come here kids, give daddy a championship hug! I’ve won another world championship! By only beating teams in North America! This is the best! AND I FINALLY DID IT WITHOUT SHAQ! Woohoo! MVP!
PAU GASOL: Hey, Kobe. Congrats on the MVP, man.
KOBE BRYANT: Oh, Hey, big man! I finally did it without Shaq! This finally cements my legacy as A GUY THAT CAN PUT A TEAM ON HIS BACK! And carry them to the promised land!
PAU GASOL: [in Italian] Sure thing, guy, whatever!
ANDREW BYNUM: Great series, Kobe. Good job.
KOBE BRYANT: Hey, Andrew Bynum! I finally won it without Shaq! WHO SAYS I NEED A 7-FOOTER ON MY TEAM TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP?!
ANDREW BYNUM: Yeah, Pau and I were just talking about that. You had a great series. For a guy that was fifth on the team in field goal percentage and led all of us in turnovers. Nice work.
KOBE BRYANT: Thanks…man! Hey Derek Fisher! Why you dressed already?
DEREK FISHER: Hey, Kobe. There just aren’t many pictures of me online.
KOBE BRYANT: Derek, I did it, man! How ’bout a totally fake high five while the cameras are still on!
DEREK FISHER: I guess. [they high-five]
KOBE BRYANT: Derek, look at this. I DID IT! I AM THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD, WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI! Remember those two clutch shots I hit to win Game 4 for us?
DEREK FISHER: That was me!
KOBE BRYANT: …Oh. Hey, Coach! Coach! Whose the man now?
PHIL JACKSON: [distracted] Yeah, great work, Scottie. I’m proud of you.
KOBE BRYANT: Aw, come on, man! Can’t y’all see that IT WAS MY LEADERSHIP THAT GOT US HERE?! MY TEAMSMANSHIP?! DON’T HATE! EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS THAT I’M THE REASON WE WON! WE DIDN’T NEED SHAQ TO DO IT ONCE WE STOLE GASOL FROM THE GRIZZLIES IN THE ILLEGAL TRADE IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS! DON’T HATE! DON’T HATE!
…why don’t you turn that damn camera off so I can get rid of these kids already?
We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, I’d like to present you with our new off-topic offseason feature…
Batman, in town for a boat show, confronts Jerry “The King” Lawler dressed as Superman at a TV station in Memphis. Hilarity doth ensuit.
To stave off the specter of boredom or maybe just to sublimate our own latent rapey urges, the Gay Mafia occasionally engages in hour-long sessions of e-mail-based rape joke bandying. Really works out the dark urges. Yesterday, in what began innocently enough as a discussion of which reader has creeped us out the most at various blogger meet-ups then quickly morphed into a whirlwind brainstorm of how rapists would alter popular board games. Because we’re sick deviants like that. And, being so, we enjoy passing our pathology onto you, the reader. Preferably against your will.
**No rapist’s game shelf would be complete without handcuffs, And, of course, the game of Battlerape!
“You sunk my Rapesub!”
And now there’s Electronic Battlerape! With sound effects!
“D-Rectum? It’s a hit!”
“Beware the submarine — long, hard, etc.”
**A rapist sets up a spy cam in the dressing rooms in Mall Madness.
**They always like a good game of Connect Four Toddlers.
**Rapists naturally love Rape-opoly. Sample Chance card:
“You win first prize in a beauty contest. And then are raped.”
**Every time he captures a country in Risk, he rapes you using methods specific to that nation.
**Rapists love Twister. RIGHT FOOT LEFT LABIA
**Rapists claim Parcheesi is Hindi for “forced entry.”
**When playing Trivial Pursuit, a rapist goes right for the pink triangle.
**Only a rapist will call his scrotum the “Popomatic bubble”
**I’ve found that many rapists love a good game of Chutes and More Chutes.
**Candyland is the #1 game played in their windowless vans.
**Rapists are hard at work developing a new version of Mouse Trap, complete with a cage capable of subduing even the lithest tween.
**rapists adore a good game of TABOO. Guess the word without saying these five clue words!
crime
penetration
violation
bruising
rope
**A rapist will always choose rapist as their profession when playing The Game of Life. Then they rape all the pink and blue stick figures. Then the spin wheel.
**A rapist was the first and last champion of “Win Ben Stein’s Skin and Internal Organs.”
**A classic among rapists: Guess Who…Is Sneaking In Your Bedroom At Night
**Kerplunk is the noise it makes when he takes his dick out of your ass.
**They play Sorry! with kids only AFTER raping them
**Yahtzee is what a rapist screams when he rapes an ESPN anchor
**Rapists win every game of Scene It?: Rape Edition
**Rapists write letters to the makers of Operation demanding they supply them with the missing Penis Bone.
**The rapist version of Jeopardy! The Home Game! has nothing to do with the TV show.
**A rapist loves playing Clue, but it’s the same result every time. Col. Mustard, in the ass, with the candlestick.
**The rapist version of Chinese Checkers involves a confused 12-year-old and some anal beads
**Don’t challenge a rapist in Horny Horny Rapists. He always get more balls.
[Tinkly piano bullshit]
My mother used to say always keep your legs open
It’s the only way to give and receive love
But sometimes you have to jam those legs shut to get the chintzy jewelry you want for Valentine’s Day.
That’s the inspiration behind my Open Legs collection at Kay Jewelers
I worked with Kay because it’s a chain of mall jewelers and only they would carry something so tacky that will appeal to high school juniors buying trinkets for their fuck buddies
My hope is that my Open Legs design becomes a universal symbol of relationship prostitution and lowered expectations. Because I’m a narcissistic cunt who thinks a doodle I made in five minutes can capture the imaginations of billions.
Because when your legs are open, love will always find its way in.
[Annoying sound signature]
Ringo Starr, one of the three two surviving members of the Beatles, along with that guy who got divorced by that greedy amputee bitch and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, has issued the diktat to his fans that he will no longer be receiving their fan mail as of next Monday. So be sure to dash off that last billet deux to this douche in short order. Apparently he has too much to do, which for his sake does not include helping Paul put out another another album. Of course, this development pains no one more than portraiture artist Marge Simpson. What will inspire her to paint Burns in the buff now? Hey, at least he’s warning fans “with peace and love”.
As Maj said, “How do you warn with peace and love? You’re supposed to warn with anthrax and daggers.” Anthrax, huh? In the mail? It’s just crazy enough to work!
All of our U.S. readers– enjoy your Fourth. The rest of you, enjoy your soup or whatever the hell you do while we grill out, get drunk and shoot off illegal fireworks. USA! USA! USA!.
