In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: On the double! We like to eat as a family every night. This stuff’s getting cold.

Ocho: I’m comin’, I’m comin’! (comes down stairs) My, my, my… I am HONGRAY. What do we have for dinner?

Marvin: The Mrs. cooked up some roast chicken.

Looks damn good, doesn’t it? Let’s dig in.

Ocho: Whoa ho yo, coach. Hold up. Hold up. I can’t eat that.

Marvin: What do you mean?

Ocho: Tell the Mrs. I am grateful, but Ocho Cinco doesn’t eat chicken. Too heavy. Much too heavy. I’m just gonna kick back with my usual dinner.

Marvin: A family-sized bag of chips?

Ocho: Yeah, yeah. Chips are much lighter. Much better for my biology. This one’s even got tomatoes.

Marvin: Um, no. Chips are not a lighter food that white meat chicken.

Ocho: No? Here, hold this chip.

Marvin: What for?

Ocho: Just feel how light it is. It’s very light. Very low weight.

Marvin: That isn’t how nutrition works, Chad. The weight of food isn’t an indicator of whether or not it’s good for you.

Ocho: Sure it is. If you eat LIGHT food, you stay light. That’s why I eat chips, bacon, donut holes, and cotton candy. That’s a very light diet.

Marvin: Actually, that’s just about the heaviest diet you can possibly have.

Ocho: You’re crazy! Look at this strip of bacon.

You see how light that bacon feels? It’s so light, it floats.

Marvin: No, it’s doesn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it does.

Marvin: No, it’s doesn’t. Bacon does not float.

Ocho: Yes, it does. Look.

(picks up bacon, drops it to the floor)

See?

Marvin: See what?

Ocho: It almost kinda floated right there.

Marvin: No, it didn’t. It fell straight to the floor.

Ocho: You didn’t see it just kinda sorta hesitate right there?

Marvin: No. It didn’t hesitate. It fell straight down.

Ocho: You don’t know that. That shit is not readily oblivious to the naked eye.

Marvin: YES IT IS. It’s bacon. It’s a solid object. Solid objects do not float.

Ocho: They do if you drop them from really high up.

Marvin: No they don’t.

Ocho: Then how come I see skydivers floating on TV all the time? They got their arms and legs out and are all like “LOOK AT ME! I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL FLOATING AND SHIT!”

Marvin: Those people aren’t floating. They are FALLING. To earth. At an astonishing rate of speed. They’re solid. They don’t float.

Ocho: What about dust? Dust floats.

Marvin: Dust is made of microscopic particles. It gets blown around by the wind.

Ocho: How do you know it’s not made of bacon?

Marvin: It isn’t. It’s made of things like tree pollen and spores. It’s not made of bacon.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t. You’re no scientologist like Albert Edison. You can’t possibly know all that.

Marvin: Yes, I can. Dust is not made of bacon.

Ocho: Okay. What if I took my fork and knife and cut up a very tiny piece of bacon and POOF! Tossed it in the air. Then it’s just like dust.

Marvin: But you wouldn’t do that. No one cuts up microscopic pieces of bacon and then tosses them in the air.

Ocho: You don’t know that. They might do it in Germany.

Marvin: THEY DON’T DO THAT IN GERMANY. THEY DON’T CUT UP LITTLE BITS OF BACON AND THROW THEM IN THE AIR. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BACON DUST.

Ocho: Yes, there is. They sell it at the store. And they keep it in a bottle to keep it from flying away.

Marvin: Those are Bac-O’s, Chad. Bac-O’s. And Bac-O’s are not bacon dust. Bac-O’s are bacon bits. And they keep the Bac-O’s in a bottle to prevent them from spilling, FALLING onto the floor, because they are heavier than the air. They wouldn’t fly away if the bottle were to be opened.

Ocho: But you don’t know that. They could.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: They could if there was a hurricane. I saw that Gustav hurricane make garbage cans fly and shit.

Marvin: That’s because it would be subject to 150MPH winds. Bacon does not float in a no-wind environment.

Ocho: Okay, then. Let me point something out to you. I eat bacon. You eat chicken. Right?

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: Now, look at me.

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: Now look at you.

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: I rest my case. That bacon is VERY light.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU RETARDED? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU MEDICALLY FUCKING RETARDED? THERE ARE 4 MILLION FACTORS THAT GO INTO A PERSON’S PHYSIQUE, INCLUDING HEREDITY, WORKOUT REGIMEN, AND METABOLISM. DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU’RE THINNER THAN ME BECAUSE FUCKING BACON, FOR SOME INSANE REASON IN YOUR PEA-SIZED MIND, IS EXEMPT FROM THE PHYSICAL LAWS OF FUCKING GRAVITY? IS THERE A FUCKING BLACK HOLE IN YOUR HEAD?

IN FACT, BACON DOESN’T START OFF AS STRIPS. IT STARTS OFF A FUCKING HEAVY FUCKING SLAB THAT IS THEN CUT THIN AND FRIED, SO AS TO BE EVEN FUCKING HEAVIER. DOES THAT REGISTER AT ALL WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING DINOSAUR BRAIN?

Ocho: They cut bacon in strips? Okay, now you’re just making shit up. Lemme call Ray Lewis and we’ll see what’s what.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Bathroom’s down the hall. The kids are in bed around nine or so, so try and keep noise to a minimum after that.

Ocho: I hear ya. No problem at all. Listen, coach, I have to wash my hands. Is there a bathroom I can use?

Marvin: Oh yeah, almost forgot: my contractor is here today to replace some of our piping. The water in the house was shut off for the morning. Here.

Marvin: Just use this to wash your hands.

Ocho: That? No, no, no. I can’t use that. That’s drankin’ water. I can’t use that.

Marvin: What are you talking about? It’s water. It’s the same. You can drink it, bathe with it, water plants with it, whatever.

Ocho: No, it’s not. This water is specifically for DRANKIN’. I can’t use drankin’ water on my hands. It’s dangerous. I need sink water.

Marvin: But… you CAN use it. It’s not dangerous at all. They’re both just water.

Ocho: No, there are different kinds of water.

Marvin: No, there aren’t. All water is the same.

Ocho: No, it isn’t.

Marvin: Yes, it is.

Ocho: No, it isn’t.

Marvin: Yes, it is.

Ocho: Then how come they tell you not to drank the water that’s in the ocean?

Marvin: That’s seawater. It has salt in it.

Ocho: EXACTLY. That’s a different kind of water. Like drankin’ water.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t how it works. All water is THE SAME, Chad. It’s the same base molecule, H2O. Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.

Ocho: The fuck you talking about? There’s no oxygen in water. That’s the air.

Marvin: No, you don’t understand. At the molecular level, all water is the same: H2O.

Ocho: Like “Halloween: H2O”?

Marvin: NO! Listen to me. Water is all the same, but then other things can be dissolved into it, like minerals, or flavorings, or salt…

Ocho: Why would I add salt to water if it makes it taste so bad?

Marvin: You wouldn’t. That just happens naturally in the oceans.

Ocho: Then, if it naturally has salt in it, then it’s NATURALLY a different kind of water, just like Vitamin Water…

Marvin: Again, that’s not water. That’s a sweetened beverage.

Ocho: Or Fire Water…

Marvin: That’s a liqueur.

Ocho: Or Waterworld…

Marvin: That’s a motion picture starring Kevin Costner and Jeanne Tripplehorn. None of those things are water. Not Waterworld, or Vitamin Water…

Ocho: Then why does it say WATER on the goddamn bottle?

Marvin: Because that’s a brand name. Just because you CALL something water doesn’t make it water.

Ocho: What about Brian Waters? He seems very watery. Always dripping.

Marvin: No, no. Brian Waters is an offensive lineman. Not a kind of water. Water is an INGREDIENT in Vitamin Water, and even in people, but that doesn’t make either one ALL water. They have other stuff in them.

Ocho: Okay then, let me ask you this: Would you wash your hands with Vitamin Water?

Marvin: No, you can’t wash your hands with Vitamin Water.

Ocho: See? I rest my case. THAT is why I can’t use the drankin’ water for my hands.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DENSEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH?! FRESH, CLEAR FUCKING WATER IS SAFE TO DRINK AND TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WITH. WHAT FUCKING BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC CAUSED YOU TO DEDUCE THAT YOU CAN’T WASH YOUR HANDS WITH A GODDAMN SPLASH OF AQUAFINA, YOU DROOLING FUCKING MORON?

Ocho: Hmm… I’m still not convinced about this, man. I think I should probably call Ray Lewis. He can settle this.

Marvin: No, no. You want proper sink water? FINE. I’ll go over to the neighbors and get some for you. I’ll back down on this juuust for you. Okay? That’s the kind of effort I’m gonna try and make, so we can co-exist, EVEN THOUGH YOU LACK THE BASIC, RUDIMENTARY FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT COMPRISES WATER AND WHAT DOES NOT.

(leaves, comes back with bowl full of water)

Here. Here’s some sink water.

Ocho: That’s not sink water. That’s in a bowl. That’s dog water. I can’t wash my hands in dog water.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.