Kissing Suzy Kolber » ocho cinco

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Christmas Ape — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:26:31 +0000

The Eagles and Cowboys meet with NFC East primacy on the line. Just weeks ago, the Iggles lost to the Raiders and the Cowboys had to squeak by the Chiefs. Now suddenly, they’re teams of consequence once more. It’s key for Dallas to build as large a division lead as possible before December sets in and they lose all their games in spectacular fashion. After signs had indicated he would play, Brian Westbrook will instead sit out for a second straight week. Tony Romo, meanwhile, will have to make sure that he stops playing favorites with Miles Austin. C’mon, Tony – just because he’s actually capable of getting open and can communicate with you in your mystical smialect (that’s a dialect for smiles, duh) doesn’t mean you have to ignore Roy Williams.

As we wait for kickoff, here are a few of the standout moments from the first two Sunday timeslots.

1. Via reader Michael from Charlotte come the greatest (and by greatest, we mean the only non-nauseating) split team jersey taxidermy in the history of anything ever.

2. BUCS WIN! BUCS WIN! CREAMSICLE SHERBET BUCCO BRUCE GAYCATION CELEBRATION! But, hey, since when do the Buccaneers have enough greats for a ring of honor? Shouldn’t it be a carpet sample of honor?

3. Tom Brady acts like a dick for no reason? GET OUT!

4. Tiny Darren is never too small to get blowed up rull good.

5. Via Deadspin – Ocho brought a few singles onto the field in Cincy at the beginning of the 4th quarter against Baltimore, playfully pretending to pay off the refs while they reviewed a sideline catch that he made (it was overturned). Or was he giving the Baltimore secondary some walking around money before half of them get cut after the season? NO, HE WAS DEFINITELY PAYING OFF THE REFS! GET ‘EM, RAVENS CONSPIRACY THEORISTS!

Dislexy Rexy Will Not Kiss the Rings You Gave to Putin

Christmas Ape — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 14:13:17 +0000

I don’t think there’s ever been another team in history that’s generated more buzz with a win over the Texans than the Jets have this week. And with that newfound swagger they’ve decided to poke the bear as much as possible in advance of their Kris Jenkins dubbed “Super Bowl” against the Pats. Metal Gear Rex did his best Lane Kiffin impression and Kerry Rhodes pulled a near-Anthony Smith. There were even pointless Twitter fights involving Rodney Harrison, who someone needs to remind is no longer on the active roster.

Can Rex’s dirty chimichanga play well enough for the J-E-S-T to pull one out? Or will the Pats receivers decide not to drop seven passes this week and run away with it? Either way, Rex is at Scores by 5 p.m.

Kevin Kolb gets the start against the Saints, meaning the pick-sixes he throws will take up some of the New Orleans point total reserved for Breesus TD passes. Adjust fantasy expectations accordingly.

From reader and rare bearable Packers fan rodgers_neighborhood:

As Lombardi is my witness, the enclosed was parked adjacent to the convenience store where I took a leak Thursday a.m. as I began the trek back to the decaying Northeast. Said leak-location is within a half mile of Lambeau Field.

This week’s opponent…

You can’t make this shit up. Well you could. No you couldn’t. Er …

ESTABAN OCHOCINCO IS COMING AND HE’S BRINGING CARBOAT WITH HIM! TOOT! TOOT! HERE COMES S.S. KISS THE BABY!

Peter King picked the Lions to beat the Vikes. Done more out of spite to his jilting former love Brittfar or to menacing blog fisker Venti Latte Drew? It did manage to piss Drew off, so GREAT SUCCESS!

I have nothing interesting to say about the Redskins and the Rams, and there’s good reason for that, besides me being boring – It’s an eminently shitty game. However, reader joejoejoe pointed me in the direction of a egregious fan fail by one of D.C. innumerable political bloggers (how they sneer at us sports people!)

Political blogger Matt Yglesias, who frequently writes about basketball and gets some cross links in the sports world, just threw out a very lame thought when discussing the Redskins name.

“When I realized I was most likely going to stay in Washington, DC and write about politics forever and ever and ever, I decided to abandon my New York sports heritage and adopt DC’s teams. I know it’s a minority view, but I don’t think it makes sense to let the dead hand of where you happened to spend the first 18 years of your life dictate behavior for decades and decades going forward. And even though the Giants won a Super Bowl since I abandoned them and the Redskins don’t look very good this season, I stand by that decision-making.” – Matt Yglesias

WTF? Obama moved to DC for work too and you don’t see him dropping the Bears. I thought you might be interested in calling Matt (who I like) a fuckup.

Having to be a Redskins fan might be fitting punishment for being such a retarded fan, though I’ll wish some added physical suffering to truly send the message home.

Guh, that’s so typical of all the political sphere douches in this town. “I shouldn’t let lifelong attachments to things that I love get in the way of my careerism! Not when I need to be able to have easy ways to connect to sources here in town. Uh, go Clinton Portman!”

I picked up Atlanta’s defense this week expecting another turnover bonanza from the Panthers, so naturally Delhomme will have one last competent game before getting the hook next week for A.J. Feeley.

Arizona-Jacksonville! Houston-Tennessee! Oakland-Kansas City! The battle of the 0-1s! Win or be in full-on panic mode in September. I can’t decide whether that would be more entertaining with Todd Haley’s screaming or Tom Cable’s staff-wide pummeling. LET’S GO TIE!

‘Just as sad as 9/11′

Captain Caveman — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 23:37:45 +0000

What Chad said. Except, you know, without the terrorist attacks and national emergency and march to war. Rest in peace, King of Pop.

After the jump, Jackson’s Super Bowl halftime performance.

(Full disclosure: Ochocinco later recanted. I guess some people are still a little touchy about 9/11. But whatever, imagine if Bettie Page and Elvis died on the same day. As sad as the attack on Pearl Harbor, right? Hello?)

Eleven Angry Men… And One Super Excited Big Boy

Christmas Ape — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:12:12 +0000

Elisha Manning was all set to get empaneled onto a jury, but his questionnaire revealed a deep-seated bias against people who have stolen antiques. And older brothers. Also, the article reports it was unknown which case Eli was asked to sit in on, though we all know he only showed up to demand that his Plax be set free and allowed to return to his team.

The NFL has agreed to allow Chad Ocho Cinco to wear his new last name on his jersey this upcoming season, but only if it gets conflated to “Ochocinco”. When asked about the ruling, Chad responded, “I don’t want space in my name. Someone could put a chair there.”

Warren Sapp has pinned Tony Romo’s late season failings on trips to the golf course. See, this would have been more convincing had he said Romo wants to lose early just so he can get back to the course earlier than usual, rather than it being a distraction during the season. Also if Sapp had any sort of reputation for being a workout warrior himself during his career, that might’ve bolstered his argument ever so slightly.

The Steelers will visit the White House next Thursday, where Santonio Holmes will personally thank President Obama for ending the War on Drugs and Ben Roethlisberger will wrestle Joe Biden on the South Lawn for a package of Now and Laters.

flubby — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 23:51:23 +0000

Rudy Huxtable Ocho Cinco? Make what you will of MediaTakeOut.com’s report that the Bengals headcase wide receiver is engaged to Cosby Show alum Keisha Knight Pulliam.

[ via Real Clear Sports ]

How About I Comment On You, Blog People?

Christmas Ape — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 05:34:37 +0000

People making a deal about this interview I did. Well, I didn’t see it. That is to say, I saw it. I didn’t see the reaction to it, which I’m reading right now. Can you sum it up for me? It’s hard to make out through the parallax view.

I read some bell hooks coloring book on the way over. But I’m not coming from anywhere. Where are you going? Hit me on the hit when you get there. When I wake up on Thursdays, I wish it was Thursday, but in another month. You ever get that?

My favorite U.S. protectorate is Guam.

You ever read about bristlecone pines? Them shits is old. I just made that up. Why are you talking about trees? Smoking trees is slang for smoking marijuana. Draping trees is slang that hasn’t been invented yet. Chris Henry lives a sad life.

People said God created the world at OTAs, but I think that’s a lie perpetuated by the night manager at McDonalds.

I think God created place mats when Satan tole him table tops was made a’ table titties. God sometimes foolish like that. They say God can be found in the details. That means God is found in stats. That means fantasy football is a religion. All this time you thought you didn’t believe.

You think it’s weird that I like Lou Reed?

There’s a war going on outside no man is safe from. So what’cha gonna do since you know now?

Man from the interview asked me how I can be mad if I’m making $35 million. I don’t make that, man. Somebody at the mint does that. I only collect it. I bet mint people all kinds of happy. They make all the money there is. Probably got fresh breath too.

Actually, I read this interview and found Vidal’s answers even more disjointed than my own. When a man asks you about the weather, you don’t tell him about the temperature, the amount of cloud cover or the chances of precipitation. You tell him about the weather!

So, how are you, blog people?

+ 1 to blog people.

Blog people + 1 equals blog numbers. That’s blog maths. How many blogs you get outta blog? That’s blog division.

I just made you up in my head, blog people.

You just made me up in your blog, blog people.