Kissing Suzy Kolber » ocho cinco done lost his mind

Muchas Smoochas, Senor Ocho

Christmas Ape — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:05:26 +0000

The Steelers have won eight straight at Paul Brown Stadium and The Ben has gotten his PEW on in his home state of Ohio, amassing a record of 11-0 there as a pro (a point which will NEVER BE MENTIONED DURING THIS GAME). However, last week the Bengals notched a rare pre-Week 7 victory by virtue of five sacks by previously little-known defensive end Antwan Odom, so pretty much everyone has hopped on them this week to pull another upset. Not to mention Spongetech stock is soaring.

Ocho has vowed to make Steelers corners Ike Taylor and William Gay “kiss the baby” and announced that he has a Spanish-themed TD celebration in the works should he reach the endzone. By that, I mean he intends to take a three-hour midday siesta. Mostly likely, though, he plans to have Chris Berman make 18 more painful and repetitive jokes via satellite about ESPN’s new Countdown weatherlady, Marisol.

Last week: “When it’s raining, Marisol, I’m going to call you Parisol.” (laughs to himself)

This week: “Again, when it’s raining, Marisol is Parisol.” (face almost explodes over his hilarity)

flubby: “Also, parasols are used when it’s sunny.”

The rest of this shitty slate of late games:

The Bills host the Saints in the last game until BEEF MOE returns next week. With Fred Jackson averaging 110 rushing yards per game and 5.1 per carry, coupled with 108 total receiving yards, Marshawn might be able to enjoy some Applebee’s Carside service on the sidelines of future games. More important, however, is which Bills player will have their home ransacked or vandalized this week? First game: Leodis McKelvin. Last week: Donte Whitner. Did Bills fans really let Trent Edwards’ home slip this far.

The Bears revealed this week that they have a self-policing policy on busting ass in the film room, levying a fine of $20 on whoever rips one in there. Defensive tackle Anthony Adams, who disclosed the policy on a Chicago Tribune blog post, said defensive end Mark Anderson is the most flagrant and fragrant offender. Gotta leave that flatus for the field, guys. No Matty Hasselbeck in this game either, so Ufford may have a few post-Fight Gone Bad pukes left in him.

Denver is 2-0. Oakland won last week despite JaMarcus Russell going 7-for 24 passing. Someone I see this game being scoreless until the snap of a last-second punt goes out the back of the endzone for a 2-0 final.

We already previewed the floats to come in the Chargers-Dolphins tilt, so I’ll forgo belaboring that some more Wildcat blather. The Chargers have the 24th ranked run D, so it’s a solid recipe for another 45 minutes of Miami possession time washed away by Marmalard quick strikes.

“The World Is Gonna Get Every Bit A Dade County I Got In Me”

Big Daddy Drew — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:44:30 +0000

Many, many thanks go to video wunderkind Awful Announcing for providing this clip of Chad Johnson’s sideline interview with Suzy Kolber last night. See if you can follow Ocho Cinco’s serpentine logic during the course of this interview:

1. Johnson is disgruntled with the Bengals
2. Looking for guidance, Johnson talks to Ray Lewis
3. Johnson says Lewis helped him see “the big picture”
4. Johnson refuses to disclose what the big picture is, only saying this:

“The world is gonna get every bit of Dade County I got in me. If you don’t understand what that means, watch the Hurricanes of the 90’s.”

I’m pretty sure this means Chad Johnson will, like those Hurricanes, start off well, only to gradually fall into a horrible state of disrepair, culminating in an SI cover asking him to drop football entirely.

And then he’ll get arrested on multiple gun charges. Maybe even stab two people in a nightclub.

Enjoy your season, Bengal fans!

After Rejecting Other Deals, Bengals Trade Chad Johnson to Tyler Perry

Christmas Ape — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:39:02 +0000

CINCINNATI — A day after declining the Washington Redskins’ offer of potentially two first-round picks for wide receiver Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals shipped the restive wideout to omnipresent comedian Tyler Perry.

“Chad will fit in well with our stereotype-laden productions filled with embarrassingly silly, shiftless blacks,” Perry said from the set of his latest movie, “Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to The Church Social,” which will be released exactly a week after his current project “Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns” leaves theatres.

“I got a vision for Chad. This next movie has a need for a goofy black mail carrier who occasionally hits the pipe. Knowing him, it won’t be hard to work in a exuberant dance number everytime he cracks a joke.”

“I think I’d be interested in seeing that,” said every black person you know.

In exchange for the Pro Bowler, the Bengals receive 10 percent of the box office receipts of any film that Johnson appears in, as well as a fat suit and a granny wig.

“We really found a situation that was best for all involved,” said Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis. “Chad got to leave the Bengals and we got a steady source of income to compensate for the team losing more of its increasingly frustrated fans.”

Reached for comment, Johnson made a motion of a circle with his finger then blew a burst of air through it. He laughed maniacally for five seconds, turned quickly and walked off.

Ocho Cinco Hits The Drive Thru

Big Daddy Drew — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:09:00 +0000

(car pulls up)

Order Box: Welcome to Burger King. May I take your order?

(long pause)

Order Box: Hello?

Ocho: I’m here.

Order Box: Can I take your order, Sir?

Ocho: I don’t know.

Order Box: You don’t know?

Ocho: Exactly. I DON’T KNOW.

Order Box: Okay.

(long pause)

Order Box: Would you like a hamburger or something?

Ocho: (sighs) I’ll take a Whopper and large fries. And an orange slice.

Order Box: Is Fanta okay?

(long pause)

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: Who said Fanta? See now, this is exactly the kinda shit I’m talkin’ about.

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: ORANGE SLICE.

Order Box: But we only have Fanta, Sir.

Ocho: Exactly. That’s all you have. That’s all you can do for Chad. And Chad has to decide if that’s good enough for Chad.

Order Box: But it’s the same soda. It’s still orange.

Ocho: That’s not the issue. If this is the way we’re going to continue, then that’s the way we’re going to continue.

Order Box: What?

Ocho: WHAT?

Order Box: How about I just scratch your drink order? That way, you can find an Orange Slice across the street at Arby’s. Is that okay?

Ocho: Arby’s? Who said anything about Arby’s?

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: I didn’t say anything about Arby’s.

Order Box: I know you didn’t.

Ocho: Why are we talking about Arby’s? This is fucking Burger King.

Order Box: May I complete your order, Sir?

Ocho: (sighs) Whatever.

Order Box: Your total is $6.79. If you could just pull around, Sir.

Ocho: THAT’S IT?

Order Box: Iâ€¦ believe so. Was there something else you wanted? Would you like a Jr. Sundae?

(long pause)

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: You know what’s good? Spiral pasta. I would like some spiral pasta.

Order Box: But, we don’t have that on our menu, Sir.

Ocho: Why not? Why are you so set in your ways? Do you really believe that things will improve the way you’re going?

Order Box: Uhâ€¦ Your order is ready at the window, Sir. If you could just pull around.

Ocho: THAT’S IT?

Order Box: I think so. Was there something else you wanted to discuss?

(long pause)

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: I don’t know. Did you know there are some rocks that are, like, 500 years old?

Order Box: My manager said your order’s getting cold, Sir.

Ocho: He said that?

Order Box: Yes.

Ocho: Cold? Why he say that?

Order Box: Because he saw it and it’s cold, Sir.

Ocho: So? Listen, I got someone else who needs to order.

Order Box: Okayâ€¦ May I take that person’s order?

Gary Busey: Why are you taking orders? This is not Poland. We don’t take orders here. You have a nice voice. I’ve been looking at you. I’ve known you since you were a baby, only we’ve never met. Let me touch your ears. Did you know there’s aggression in all of our hearts? I want the raw liver of a horse. And some chicken fries. And I want you to serve it on a tray that’s balancing on your head. THERE IS NO REALITY!

Order Box: I quit.