In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! I need you to come do something! Let’s go! You gotta help out if you’re gonna stay here, you know.

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s goin’ on? What do I need to do?

Marvin: I need you to feed the dog.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. What’s the scoop?

Marvin: Just open up a can of Alpo, empty it into his dish, and cut it up a bit so he can eat it easily. Then put it on the floor.

Ocho: That’s it?

Marvin: Yeah.

Ocho: How come he’s not eating with us?

Marvin: What do you mean?

Ocho: How come he has to eat on the floor? Why can’t he eat with us at the dinner table?

Marvin: Because he’s a dog. He can’t sit at a table. Or use a knife and fork.

Ocho: I think you’re wrong. I think you’re just too lazy to train him to do that.

Marvin: No, it’s not me being lazy. It’s that training a dog to use dining utensils is an impossibility. They physically cannot do it.

Ocho: See, I think that’s some bullshit. ‘Cause I’ve seen a dog do that.

Marvin: Where?

Ocho: On the TV. I saw this dog sitting at the table, eating a steak, and then this big cracka rooster came up to him and was like, “I SAY I SAY I SAY, BOY! I reckon that you and that chickenhawk are in cahoots!”

Marvin: Okay, that was “Foghorn Leghorn”. That’s a cartoon. A drawing. That didn’t actually happen. A dog can’t do that.

Ocho: Yeah, but what I’m sayin’ is: How would the cartoon man know how to draw that if he never saw dogs do it in real life? You know what I mean? He had to have, like, traced it from a real dog.

Marvin: No, he drew it from his imagination. He never saw a dog actually using a knife and fork. He created a mental image of it and then drew it from that mental image.

Ocho: Oh, so you’re telling me that Mr. Cartoon Man is all superpowered like that? PLEASE.

Marvin: Again, he drew it from imagination. There are many things in the world that are not physically possible, but that doesn’t stop us from imagining those things happening. It’s quite a common ability. For instance, if I were to, I don’t know, create a mental image of you passing a remedial reading test, that’s my IMAGINATION at work. That would never actually happen.

Ocho: Yeah, but why couldn’t a dog eat with a knife and fork? Why is that so hard? We teach them to sit. We teach them to roll over. We teach them to foil Dr. Claw.

Marvin: No, we don’t teach them to foil Dr. Claw. That’s Brain, the dog from “Inspector Gadget.” Again, a cartoon.

Ocho: I’m just saying it seems very lazy, is all. I think maybe you don’t WANT to eat with the dog. That, if you had to eat dinner with the dog, you might have to talk about stuff you don’t really want to talk about.

Marvin: Dogs can’t talk, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should! They should be able to eat dinner with you, and talk, and play baseball with you, just like Bugs Bunny can.

Marvin: Rabbits cannot play baseball.

Ocho: Yes, they can! They’re fucking great at it! They catch their own pop flies and shit!

Marvin: Again, Bugs Bunny is a cartoon. A two-dimensional drawing. Rabbits can’t play baseball. They lack the hand-eye coordination. In fact, they lack hands altogether.

Ocho: But, if they DID have hands, then they could play baseball.

Marvin: But they don’t have hands.

Ocho: But they COULD. I see hands lying around all the time. There’s no reason we couldn’t, like, stitch that shit on a rabbit, so that he could play baseball with the rest of us.

Marvin: What do you mean, you see hands lying around all the time?

Ocho: Like in “Addams Family Values”. There was this hand running around all over the place. And it seemed like a waste, you know? Because some rabbit out there could use that hand, and it was just wasting time running around on its own. Why not get THAT hand and put it on a rabbit?

Marvin: Okay, that hand is called Thing. And Thing is not a real hand. That was a computerized effect. There aren’t random, active, living severed hands skittering about. And, even if there were, why would we put them on rabbits when there are real people out there, burn victims and what not, who could use those hands more? You see the flaw in your reasoning? How are you even going to attach it to the rabbit? It doesn’t have a fucking WRIST. Attaching a hand to someone means dealing with an incredibly complex network of blood vessels, nerves, and muscle tissue.

Ocho: How do you know? You’re no biographer! You’re no Doris Kearns Goodbar!

Marvin: I’m telling you, a rabbit would reject that hand. It doesn’t have the capacity to use a human hand, even if you stitched it on. Which you can’t. Because, again, it has no arm. Or wrist.

Ocho: It don’t need a wrist. You could just attach it to the head of the rabbit.

Marvin: You want to attach it to the rabbit’s head?

Ocho: Yeah. That way, you can really see it waving from center field. It’d be all like, “THIS FLY BALL IS MINE, BITCHES!” It could play baseball, or basketball.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t. Rabbits cannot play basketball.

Ocho: Yes, they can. Rabbits like to fuck, right? They make lots of babies, right? Well, they’re just like NBA players then. I could totally see a bunny running the point. He’d keep the ball so low! How you gonna get that ball? He’d be all dribbling between defenders and shit. I bet a team of rabbits could beat the Greeks if you gave them head-hands.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: If you got some that had been arrested and shit, you could. They’d have the right attitude, just like the Bengals used to have.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I ASKED YOU TO FEED THE FUCKING DOG. WHY CAN’T I ASK YOU TO DO A SIMPLE FUCKING TASK WITHOUT YOU DRAGGING ME INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT RABBITS RUNNING AROUND WITH FUCKING HANDS SEWN ONTO THEIR HEADS? WHAT FUCKING GALAXY DO YOU COME FROM? DID AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION SEND YOU HERE TO FUCKING DESTROY US ALL WITH YOUR NUCLEAR IDIOCY?

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T WIN A GAME, YOU FUCKING SAVANT. WE CAN’T WIN A GAME BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THE FOCUS OF A GODDAMN SHOTGUN BLAST. MY BRAIN HURTS. MY FUCKING BRAIN HURTS BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB. EVERY TIME, CHAD. EVERY TIME I TALK YOU, I NEED FUCKING EXCEDRIN BECAUSE IT HURTS ME TO CONTEMPLATE JUST HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU ARE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?

Ocho: See now, Bugs Bunny knows a doc. So I bet he could help get your head looked at. Ray Lewis can probably give you a referral too, if you want.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Get down here. It’s time for us to study game film. We gotta get some work done if we’re gonna dig out of this hole!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! Just finishing something up!

Marvin: Finishing something up? C’mon, Chad! Let’s move! We have some serious work to do here.

Ocho: Okay, okay, okay, I’m here. But I just wanted to show you something. I’ve been thinking a lot, Coach. I’ve been thinking about, like, the world and shit. I saw this movie about global warming, and it really opened my mind.

Marvin: You mean “An Inconvenient Truth”?

Ocho: No, it was “The Day After Tomorrow.” Did you know Dennis Quaid was a scientist? I did NOT know that. I thought he was just an actor.

Marvin: He IS an actor, Chad. He was only portraying a scientist. But he isn’t actually a scientist.

Ocho: Whoa ho yo, you didn’t see the movie. I did. Okay? He really knew his shit.

Marvin: No, he was reading lines off of a script. Lines written by a writer. He isn’t a scientist.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t. I saw “Innerspace”, okay? I saw him zoom around inside this one cracker’s body. He knew about, like, the pancreas and shit. And that was, like 20 years ago. Think about all the shit Dennis Quaid has learned since then. He learned to play baseball.

Marvin: That was “The Rookie”.

Ocho: He learned to gunfight with Wyatt Earp.

Marvin: That was “Wyatt Earp”.

Ocho: He learned to play quarterback. A whole lot better than fucking Ryan Fitzsimmons, by the way.

Marvin: That was… never mind.

Ocho: Anyway, Dennis Quaid was talking about this global warming shit, and I came up with a solution. Are you ready?

Marvin: I not sure how I possibly can be.

Ocho: Okay, here it is. I take this globe. Okay?

Marvin: Okay.

Ocho: Then I take this fan. Okay?

Marvin: Okay.

Ocho: Now I turn on the fan. Okay? BAM! No more global warming.

Marvin: …

Ocho: Nothing to say? I blew your mind, right?

Marvin: No, I was just having an aneurysm. So, you’re suggesting we place a giant table fan in space, yes?

Ocho: Who said anything about space? I can cool down this globe right here.

Marvin: Okay, do you understand what global warming is?

Ocho: Yeah. The globes are warm. So we gotta cool the fuckers down. This globe is a touch warm if you feel it. Almost like it has a fever. I hope it’s not sick.

Marvin: Globes can’t get sick. They’re inanimate objects. They have no cells for viruses to infiltrate.

Ocho: Objects can get sick. I saw Mr. Potato Head blow his nose once in “Toy Story”.

Marvin: That was animation. That didn’t actually happen. Furthermore, the issue of global warming does not affect globes, which are merely small-scale models of the entire earth, but rather the Earth itself.

Ocho: Whoa, hold up. You’re saying the earth looks like this?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: Pfft. This shit is ROUND! Ain’t no way the Earth is round. Look at the ground, Coach. That shit is FLAT. I rest my case.

Marvin: That’s because the planet is so large, its curvature so gradual, that you cannot perceive it. The world was proven as round centuries ago.

Ocho: By who?

Marvin: Galileo.

Ocho: Leo DiCaprio? He ain’t no scientist. He’s a tough cop from Boston.

Marvin: No, Galileo.

Ocho: Gargamel?

Marvin: GALIFUCKINGLEO. The famous Italian astronomer. He discovered the world was round. There are pictures of it from space now. Kids learn the earth is round as soon as kindergarten. It’s a fact, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, well I didn’t hear Dennis Quaid say anything about that.

Marvin: BECAUSE HE’S AN ACTOR.

Ocho: See, there you go boxing people in again. This is why my Chad Ocho Cinco Global Coolin’ Globe Fan won’t get sold, because of your ignorance.

Marvin: That fan won’t get sold because it’s a piece of crap. The earth cannot be cooled by blowing a fan onto a globe. There are so many holes in your solution, there isn’t enough room on your globe, or the earth itself, to list them all. A globe is not some kind of voodoo doll for the entire planet.

Ocho: How do you know that? This globe is warm, and I’m feeling a bit warm myself. And watch this. (spins globe) See, don’t you feel kinda woozy now?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: That’s because you don’t believe in science.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING IMBECILE. IS THERE SHIT IN YOUR HEAD? NO REALLY, IS THERE A GIANT FUCKING LUMP OF SHIT IN YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN PAN? THIS IS WHY WE’RE FUCKING 0-4, CHAD. WE CAN’T WIN A GODDAMN GAME BECAUSE WE HAVE PLAYERS WHO THINK THAT THE EARTH IS FLAT, AND THAT GLOBES CAN RUN A TEMPERATURE, AND THAT DENNIS QUAID LITERALLY BECOMES THE PEOPLE HE PLAYS ON SCREEN.

ARE YOU REALLY THIS FUCKING DUMB? BECAUSE NOW I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF. I CAN’T LIVE IN A FUCKING WORLD WHERE PEOPLE AS PROFOUNDLY DUMB AS YOU ARE FREE TO WALK AROUND. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO FUCKING DIE, YOU STUPID, VACUOUS SHITHEAD.

Ocho: See, I think we’re 0-4 because of Ryan Fitzgeraldthomas. And I think Ray Lewis and Dennis Quaid would agree with me. Say, did you see there was a country called Chad on this globe? THAT’S MY COUNTRY!

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Okay, Chad. This is my condo. This is where I stay during the middle of the week because of the late hours. You’re free to stay with me here.

Ocho: Nice. Nice. That’s tight. Thanks, coach.

Marvin: Anyway, I set up an extra TV and DVD player for you in the media room.

Ocho: Solid.

Marvin: I sleep on the bed in the main bedroom. You can sleep on the twin bed here in the guest room.

Ocho: Whoa ho yo, coach. What’s this about a twin bed?

Marvin: That’s the bed in the guest room. You can sleep on it.

Ocho: I’m sorry, coach. I can’t sleep on no twin bed. I need a regular-ass bed.

Marvin: It is a regular bed.

Ocho: You just said it was a twin bed.

Marvin: A twin bed IS a regular bed. It’s the name of the size for a one-person bed.

Ocho: (thinks for seventeen minutes) Where’s its brother bed?

Marvin: It doesn’t have a brother bed. It’s just one bed.

Ocho: What kinda twins were they? See, because some twins are kinda scary. Some of them are, like twin gynecologists and shit. I just want to know what kinda twin I’m getting into. If it’s like “Double Impact” and the twin wears black silk underwear and what not, that’s kinda cool. I could negotiate that.

Marvin: It’s just CALLED a twin. Furthermore, it’s just a bed. It can’t wear underwear, or perform vaginal surgery. Beds can’t do that. Those are twin PEOPLE. This is a twin bed. The two have nothing in common. At all.

Ocho: I just think it’s weird that this bed has a twin and the twin is not around. I mean, isn’t that kinda fucked up? What happened to the twin? Was it, like, all deformed and shit? Was it the evil twin? Maybe it swallowed kids and what have you. The whole idea of a twin bed is just kinda fucked up to me, coach. I just want a normal bed, if that’s okay with you.

Marvin: Again, Chad, this IS a normal bed. Twin beds are called twin beds because they usually put two of them in a room, for siblings, or roommates, or whomever.

Ocho: So then WHY aren’t there two in this room?

Marvin: Because I don’t need two. I only need one bed for this condo. YOU only need one bed. So I only bought one.

Ocho: See, I think you’re hiding something. I think something else HAPPENED to that other mattress, and you don’t really want to talk about it.

Marvin: Like what?

Ocho: I don’t know. Like, maybe you got a stain on it that you didn’t really want people to know about. Or maybe the twin brother bed saw you doing something it shouldn’t have and you tried to smother it with its own pillow. I mean, you’re all alone here usually. I don’t know what kinda shit you like to pull.

Marvin: There is no OTHER mattress. And I didn’t have anything done to it. I bought ONE. One mattress. That’s it.

Ocho: I just don’t like the whole idea of sleeping on a twin bed when its other twin isn’t around. How do I know it doesn’t miss the other bed? If I sleep on this bed, does the other bed feel it? And what if the one bed wants to talk to the other bed in that fucked-up twin language that twins do? I saw the Barber brothers do that shit once. They were at a party and all like HUBBA ZUBBA BINGO TANGO and shit. That fucking freaked me out.

Marvin: Okay, beds don’t have feelings. And they don’t talk in secret twin languages. Beds can’t talk.

Ocho: Yeah, but they COULD.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, they could.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, they could.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, they could! If you put, like, a top lip on the top mattress, and then a bottom lip on the box spring, then it could open up and be like I’M A BED, MOTHERFUCKER! HEY TWIN BROTHER BED MAN, GET THIS HEAVY ASS COACH OFF OF ME!

Marvin: Okay, that can’t actually happen. That can only happen in your imagination.

Ocho: But that means it COULD happen.

Marvin: No, it doesn’t. Lots of things happen in your imagination, Chad. Beds talk. Bacon floats. I’m sure there are chimeras playing poker somewhere in there as well. But that doesn’t mean that it can be real simply because you thought of it.

Ocho: Well, why not? How do you know there isn’t some other kind of dimension and shit where chimneys play poker? I could see that happening.

Marvin: I just… I can’t… What?

Ocho: I could see a chimney losing a hand and getting REALLY smoky! Like all, GRRRR YOU TOOK MY MONEY, NOW I WILL SMOKE YOU OUT!

Marvin: Okay, fine. You don’t want the twin bed? No problemo. I’ll call the mattress store and have them bring in a queen bed.

Ocho: A queen bed? WHOA WHOA WHOA. I don’t want no tiny queen bed.

Marvin: It’s bigger than a twin!

Ocho: No, it’s not. I’ve seen the Queen. Okay? She a tiny little white girl. I think she lives in a teacup.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU MUST BE THE DUMBEST FUCKING IDIOT THAT HAS EVER STEPPED FOOT INTO MY LIFE. A MILLION SCIENTISTS IN A MILLION YEARS COULD LOOK THROUGH A MILLION MICROSCOPES AND NOT FIND ONE FUCKING BRAIN CELL IN YOUR GODDAMN HEAD. HOW DO YOU GO THROUGH 30 SOME ODD YEARS OF LIFE NOT KNOWING YOUR GODDAMN MATTRESS SIZES? OR THINKING THAT BEDS CAN ACTUALLY FUCKING THINK AND VERBALIZE FEELINGS TO ONE ANOTHER? OR THINKING THAT CHIMNEYS CAN PLAY GAMES OF CHANCE?!

HOW IN THE LIVING FUCK DO YOU BREATHE? SERIOUSLY? I’M SHOCKED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN ACTUALLY TELLS YOUR LUNGS TO INFLATE AND DEFLATE. YOU ARE THAT FUCKING RETARDED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: See, now I know you did something to that other mattress. I’mma call Ray Lewis. He’s done bad things to mattresses too, so I bet he can, like, profile you and shit.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: On the double! We like to eat as a family every night. This stuff’s getting cold.

Ocho: I’m comin’, I’m comin’! (comes down stairs) My, my, my… I am HONGRAY. What do we have for dinner?

Marvin: The Mrs. cooked up some roast chicken.

Looks damn good, doesn’t it? Let’s dig in.

Ocho: Whoa ho yo, coach. Hold up. Hold up. I can’t eat that.

Marvin: What do you mean?

Ocho: Tell the Mrs. I am grateful, but Ocho Cinco doesn’t eat chicken. Too heavy. Much too heavy. I’m just gonna kick back with my usual dinner.

Marvin: A family-sized bag of chips?

Ocho: Yeah, yeah. Chips are much lighter. Much better for my biology. This one’s even got tomatoes.

Marvin: Um, no. Chips are not a lighter food that white meat chicken.

Ocho: No? Here, hold this chip.

Marvin: What for?

Ocho: Just feel how light it is. It’s very light. Very low weight.

Marvin: That isn’t how nutrition works, Chad. The weight of food isn’t an indicator of whether or not it’s good for you.

Ocho: Sure it is. If you eat LIGHT food, you stay light. That’s why I eat chips, bacon, donut holes, and cotton candy. That’s a very light diet.

Marvin: Actually, that’s just about the heaviest diet you can possibly have.

Ocho: You’re crazy! Look at this strip of bacon.

You see how light that bacon feels? It’s so light, it floats.

Marvin: No, it’s doesn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it does.

Marvin: No, it’s doesn’t. Bacon does not float.

Ocho: Yes, it does. Look.

(picks up bacon, drops it to the floor)

See?

Marvin: See what?

Ocho: It almost kinda floated right there.

Marvin: No, it didn’t. It fell straight to the floor.

Ocho: You didn’t see it just kinda sorta hesitate right there?

Marvin: No. It didn’t hesitate. It fell straight down.

Ocho: You don’t know that. That shit is not readily oblivious to the naked eye.

Marvin: YES IT IS. It’s bacon. It’s a solid object. Solid objects do not float.

Ocho: They do if you drop them from really high up.

Marvin: No they don’t.

Ocho: Then how come I see skydivers floating on TV all the time? They got their arms and legs out and are all like “LOOK AT ME! I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL FLOATING AND SHIT!”

Marvin: Those people aren’t floating. They are FALLING. To earth. At an astonishing rate of speed. They’re solid. They don’t float.

Ocho: What about dust? Dust floats.

Marvin: Dust is made of microscopic particles. It gets blown around by the wind.

Ocho: How do you know it’s not made of bacon?

Marvin: It isn’t. It’s made of things like tree pollen and spores. It’s not made of bacon.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t. You’re no scientologist like Albert Edison. You can’t possibly know all that.

Marvin: Yes, I can. Dust is not made of bacon.

Ocho: Okay. What if I took my fork and knife and cut up a very tiny piece of bacon and POOF! Tossed it in the air. Then it’s just like dust.

Marvin: But you wouldn’t do that. No one cuts up microscopic pieces of bacon and then tosses them in the air.

Ocho: You don’t know that. They might do it in Germany.

Marvin: THEY DON’T DO THAT IN GERMANY. THEY DON’T CUT UP LITTLE BITS OF BACON AND THROW THEM IN THE AIR. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BACON DUST.

Ocho: Yes, there is. They sell it at the store. And they keep it in a bottle to keep it from flying away.

Marvin: Those are Bac-O’s, Chad. Bac-O’s. And Bac-O’s are not bacon dust. Bac-O’s are bacon bits. And they keep the Bac-O’s in a bottle to prevent them from spilling, FALLING onto the floor, because they are heavier than the air. They wouldn’t fly away if the bottle were to be opened.

Ocho: But you don’t know that. They could.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: They could if there was a hurricane. I saw that Gustav hurricane make garbage cans fly and shit.

Marvin: That’s because it would be subject to 150MPH winds. Bacon does not float in a no-wind environment.

Ocho: Okay, then. Let me point something out to you. I eat bacon. You eat chicken. Right?

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: Now, look at me.

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: Now look at you.

Marvin: Uh huh.

Ocho: I rest my case. That bacon is VERY light.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU RETARDED? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU MEDICALLY FUCKING RETARDED? THERE ARE 4 MILLION FACTORS THAT GO INTO A PERSON’S PHYSIQUE, INCLUDING HEREDITY, WORKOUT REGIMEN, AND METABOLISM. DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU’RE THINNER THAN ME BECAUSE FUCKING BACON, FOR SOME INSANE REASON IN YOUR PEA-SIZED MIND, IS EXEMPT FROM THE PHYSICAL LAWS OF FUCKING GRAVITY? IS THERE A FUCKING BLACK HOLE IN YOUR HEAD?

IN FACT, BACON DOESN’T START OFF AS STRIPS. IT STARTS OFF A FUCKING HEAVY FUCKING SLAB THAT IS THEN CUT THIN AND FRIED, SO AS TO BE EVEN FUCKING HEAVIER. DOES THAT REGISTER AT ALL WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING DINOSAUR BRAIN?

Ocho: They cut bacon in strips? Okay, now you’re just making shit up. Lemme call Ray Lewis and we’ll see what’s what.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Bathroom’s down the hall. The kids are in bed around nine or so, so try and keep noise to a minimum after that.

Ocho: I hear ya. No problem at all. Listen, coach, I have to wash my hands. Is there a bathroom I can use?

Marvin: Oh yeah, almost forgot: my contractor is here today to replace some of our piping. The water in the house was shut off for the morning. Here.

Marvin: Just use this to wash your hands.

Ocho: That? No, no, no. I can’t use that. That’s drankin’ water. I can’t use that.

Marvin: What are you talking about? It’s water. It’s the same. You can drink it, bathe with it, water plants with it, whatever.

Ocho: No, it’s not. This water is specifically for DRANKIN’. I can’t use drankin’ water on my hands. It’s dangerous. I need sink water.

Marvin: But… you CAN use it. It’s not dangerous at all. They’re both just water.

Ocho: No, there are different kinds of water.

Marvin: No, there aren’t. All water is the same.

Ocho: No, it isn’t.

Marvin: Yes, it is.

Ocho: No, it isn’t.

Marvin: Yes, it is.

Ocho: Then how come they tell you not to drank the water that’s in the ocean?

Marvin: That’s seawater. It has salt in it.

Ocho: EXACTLY. That’s a different kind of water. Like drankin’ water.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t how it works. All water is THE SAME, Chad. It’s the same base molecule, H2O. Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.

Ocho: The fuck you talking about? There’s no oxygen in water. That’s the air.

Marvin: No, you don’t understand. At the molecular level, all water is the same: H2O.

Ocho: Like “Halloween: H2O”?

Marvin: NO! Listen to me. Water is all the same, but then other things can be dissolved into it, like minerals, or flavorings, or salt…

Ocho: Why would I add salt to water if it makes it taste so bad?

Marvin: You wouldn’t. That just happens naturally in the oceans.

Ocho: Then, if it naturally has salt in it, then it’s NATURALLY a different kind of water, just like Vitamin Water…

Marvin: Again, that’s not water. That’s a sweetened beverage.

Ocho: Or Fire Water…

Marvin: That’s a liqueur.

Ocho: Or Waterworld…

Marvin: That’s a motion picture starring Kevin Costner and Jeanne Tripplehorn. None of those things are water. Not Waterworld, or Vitamin Water…

Ocho: Then why does it say WATER on the goddamn bottle?

Marvin: Because that’s a brand name. Just because you CALL something water doesn’t make it water.

Ocho: What about Brian Waters? He seems very watery. Always dripping.

Marvin: No, no. Brian Waters is an offensive lineman. Not a kind of water. Water is an INGREDIENT in Vitamin Water, and even in people, but that doesn’t make either one ALL water. They have other stuff in them.

Ocho: Okay then, let me ask you this: Would you wash your hands with Vitamin Water?

Marvin: No, you can’t wash your hands with Vitamin Water.

Ocho: See? I rest my case. THAT is why I can’t use the drankin’ water for my hands.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DENSEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH?! FRESH, CLEAR FUCKING WATER IS SAFE TO DRINK AND TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WITH. WHAT FUCKING BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC CAUSED YOU TO DEDUCE THAT YOU CAN’T WASH YOUR HANDS WITH A GODDAMN SPLASH OF AQUAFINA, YOU DROOLING FUCKING MORON?

Ocho: Hmm… I’m still not convinced about this, man. I think I should probably call Ray Lewis. He can settle this.

Marvin: No, no. You want proper sink water? FINE. I’ll go over to the neighbors and get some for you. I’ll back down on this juuust for you. Okay? That’s the kind of effort I’m gonna try and make, so we can co-exist, EVEN THOUGH YOU LACK THE BASIC, RUDIMENTARY FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT COMPRISES WATER AND WHAT DOES NOT.

(leaves, comes back with bowl full of water)

Here. Here’s some sink water.

Ocho: That’s not sink water. That’s in a bowl. That’s dog water. I can’t wash my hands in dog water.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.