Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Victory Monday is OVER! We have to get to practice! ANDIAMO!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! I got the scoopty, poopty! You Coach, check this out. Check this out, brutha. Tell me what chu think of THIS!

Marvin: They’re glasses.

Ocho: They’re BIG glasses! Ha ha! Look at how big these bitches are! Now I SEE why nerds are so smart and shit. The bigger your glasses, the more you see. And that makes you smarter!

Marvin: No, none of those things correlate. At all.

Ocho: Sure they do! You should try these glasses on, Coach. I bet you end up drawing some seriously ASSNASTY plays if you got these shits on. And you know what else is cool about these Urkel dealies? I can see colors!

Marvin: You can see colors with your normal eyes.

Ocho: And I can see shapes!

Marvin: You can see shapes with your normal eyes.

Ocho: Yes, but if you SPIN these glasses around, the shapes and colors change! You see all kinds of colorful patterns! Just like one of those Horseshack tests!

Marvin: That’s a RORSCHACH test. And what you’re describing is not a pair of glasses, but a kaleidoscope. Your glasses are not a kaleidoscope.

Ocho: But they are! Look!

(spins around)

Now there’s a lamp! Now there isn’t! Now there’s a lamp! Now there isn’t! That’s a microscope!

Marvin: The shapes and colors are changing around you because you’re rotating your body. That’s how that works.

Ocho: And if I tilt my head, everything gets all tilted! This shit is CRAZY! I’mma pitch this to Marlon Wayans. We gon call it BLACK NERD. And it’s gon be about this brother who wears some glasses and LOOKS like a real shithead. But turns out he’s trippin’! AND HE’LL TALK WITH A FUNNY WHITE PERSON VOICE, TOO!

Marvin: That sounds like the worst movie ever made.

Ocho: If by worst, you mean THA SHIZNIT.

Marvin: Listen, Chad. I don’t have time for this, this morning. We’re actually a good team this year, so we have to stay focused. YOU have to stay focused.

Ocho: Oh, I’m focused, Coach. Very focused. These glasses aren’t my subscription, so everything I see is VERY CLOSE.

Marvin: Those are reading glasses. They’re hurting your eyesight.

Ocho: AND I got a fresh set of dollar bills for the refs this week. HOLLA FOR A DOLLA!

Marvin: I told you I didn’t want you pulling that kind of stuff this week.

Ocho: But it worked! You saw how hard the refs worked for us once they knew Ocho had a little tastykake for them!

Marvin: So you were serious about bribing them?

Ocho: OH HAIL YAYSE. You think a ref is gon turn down a buck? Nuh nuh. I see those refs every game. They only got ONE outfit! They can’t afford SHIT!

Marvin: Those are their uniforms. They’re supposed to wear the same outfit every time.

Ocho: But why? Why couldn’t they wear a leather jumpsuit? Then they could get RAW!

Marvin: Because that’s not the way it works. They have a uniform, just like WE have a uniform. So you can tell who’s who.

Ocho: CHILD PLEASE. Who’s who? You look at this face. You tell me you couldn’t pick these pearly whites out in a crowd. TING! You hear that? My teeth said TING!

Marvin: YOU said TING.

Ocho: Nuh nuh. That was my TEEF talkin’!

Marvin: Teeth can’t talk. They’re made of enamel.

Ocho: But they COULD talk, if they felt like speaking up!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could! I’ve Strahan’s teeth talk! They keep shouting to me, WE’RE SO LONELY OUT HERE, OCHO!

Marvin: Whatever. I don’t have time for this. We have to get to the practice facility. It’s Pittsburgh Week, and we can’t mess around.

Ocho: Oh, snap! Pittsburgh! That reminds me! I got a care package ready for those guys!

Marvin: I told you I don’t want you pulling any of this crap.

Ocho: Check it out, Coach. Check it out.

(opens box)

Ocho: Look at what I got these guys! Very small glasses. That means they won’t be able to see as good as us. And look at this sweater!

Marvin: It’s a baby girl’s sweater.

Ocho: But look at the label.

Marvin: “Made in Korea”

Ocho: That’s right! That’s Hines Ward’s sweater! HE USED TO BE A GIRL! BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Marvin: That doesn’t… oh, never mind. Go on.

Ocho: Look at these shoes. They’re both right footed! They’ll run in circles all night! And I got them broccoli, because they won’t like that. And I heard Big Ben likes to rape-a-dape the ladies, so I got him this hammer! And I got them this.

Marvin: It’s a tape recorder.

Ocho: That’s right! And before I give it to them, I’m gonna turn it on, so it records everything they say! We’ll know their game plan! THEY WON’T KNOW!

Marvin: But they will. Because it’s on.

Ocho: Not if I hide it in this bowl of delicious red Jello!

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO FUCKING BEGIN WITH YOU. YOU FUCKING PAPERWEIGHT. DO YOU REALIZE WE’RE FIRST IN THE DIVISION? WE’RE FIRST! WE’RE FUCKING WINNING THIS DIVISION, AND HAVING THE BEST YEAR WE’VE ALL HAD IN AGES. AND YET, I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR BREATHTAKING STUPIDITY. YOU STUPID FUCK. YOU STUPID ROTTEN FUCK. THOSE GLASSES ARE NOT SPECIAL. THEY DON’T MAKE YOU SMART. REFEREES DO NOT NEED SMALL AMOUNTS OF MONEY FOR NEW CLOTHES. AND THE STEELERS WILL KNOW THERE’S A TAPE RECORDER IN A BOWL OF JELLO IF YOU PUT ONE THERE.

Ocho: But if they EAT the Jello, then they’ll swallow the tape recorder, and then they won’t know it’s in their bodies!

Marvin: IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY.

Ocho: See, I think you’re wrong. Ray Lewis has made a lot of people swallow things they didn’t know about. Because he stabbed them right before he did it.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

We’re taking a break from watching Punte wage a pitched Twitter war with Chad Ocho Cinco so that we can live blog the first episode of the new season of HBO’s Hard Knocks, which is following the Cincinnati Bengals on the beginning of their epic quest to maybe five wins. Be sure to follow along with us, premium cable subscribers (I only have HBO and Sunday Ticket because I can write them off as a business expense, suckerzzzz). Last year offered us Peter King scarfing popcorn with Jerry Jones. What wonders await in this year’s edition? How quickly can Chris Henry and Ocho reduce Laveranues Coles to tears in a receivers meeting? How irate will Bengals fans be when they realize HBO spends more money on this show than Mike Brown does on his team? Can Rey Maualuga pick up where Odell Thurman left off? On a barely tangential Bengals note, of their surely masochistic fans, Chris Littmann, has decided to bring me on as a regular contributor to The Sporting Blog beginning Aug. 24, so be sure to drop by there in two weeks to supplement your daily intake of Ape.*

*I promise to be less obviously homoerotic by then

Carson: Honey? Honey?! I’m going to the store. Do you have anything you need me to add to the Honey Do list? It says we need berries, but it doesn’t specify what kind. Do I just get whatever’s on sale? Honey?

(doorbell rings)

Hmm. I wasn’t expecting any visitors today.

(door flies open)

Ocho: Comin’ through, white boy! Comin’ through! Clear that stairway, Carter. Ocho’s gotta move his shit!

Carson: What are you doing?

Ocho: What do you mean, what am I doing? I’m bunking with you and your family! That’s right! Ocho and The Porters. One big happy family! Now move out the way, Carter.

Carson: It’s Carson. Carson Palmer.

Ocho: You got it, Carter. You know, your name sounds a lot like a law firm. I have some unpaid parking tickets of my own. Not many. Like, 350 or so. You think you could take care of that.

Carson: I’m not a lawyer, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but you could be.

Carson: But I’m not.

Ocho: But you could be.

Carson: But I’m not.

Ocho: But you could be! Look at how white you are, Cartley! That’s lawyer white. Now, where do I put my shark tank?

Carson: Wait. We haven’t even discussed this.

Ocho: Sure we have. I TWEETED THAT SHIT!

Carson: You can’t just move in.

Ocho: Why not? This house looks nice. I see no reason why I wouldn’t want to live here.

Carson: Yes, but it’s not your house. It’s mine. It’s up to me to decide who gets to live in here and who doesn’t.

Ocho: Well, who died and made you the FBI?

Carson: It’s not like that, Chad. It’s a matter of common courtesy. If you’re gonna move in with me and my family, you need to discuss it with me first. That’s just basic protocol. I don’t even know if I have room.

Ocho: Ha ha! See, I love this! Here we are, bickering and arguing, just like a married couple. That’s the kind of special chemistry we have, Carsten! This is why we need to live together. Now, where do I put my hats? OCHO GOT SOME HATS!

Carson: You can’t put them anywhere yet. I haven’t talked about this with my wife. I haven’t talked about this with our kids.

Ocho: You don’t need to talk about it with your kids. KIDS LOVE ME! I got four of my own… somewhere. And whenever they see me, they say, “There’s Daddy Ocho! With money! The TV’s gonna work again!” I even write children’s songs.

FARTY FARTY
MY BUTT’S HAVIN’ A PARTY

That’s some Raffi shit right there.

Carson: Look, I enjoy having you as a teammate, Chad. And I want us to work together to get better. But we should do that at the team facility. We should make a schedule, meet up early, watch film together, work routes together, and things like that. I don’t see how you living here is any help. This house is for my family and I.

Ocho: Well, how do you know I’m not your family?

Carson: Because you aren’t.

Ocho: But I could be? You like hot dogs, right?

Carson: Yes.

Ocho: So do I! That’s a shared trait, right there. How many other people out there like hot dogs?

Carson: All of them.

Ocho: Yes, but are those people who like hot dogs also football teammates? You see the coincidences here? That’s not typical shit, man. I’m not gonna lie, Carter. I never knew my Dad. Never saw him. I don’t even remember his name. Now, what was your dad’s name?

Carson: William.

Ocho: I know that name! That could be MY dad!

Carson: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Carson: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Carson: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! How do you know your dad didn’t sneak out one night, drive down to Miami, and pick up a streetwalker named Shanee? You don’t! That could have happened!

Carson: My Dad is from California.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. You were just a baby. Unless you’re one of those superbabies, you can’t possibly know if he hit that shit.

Carson: What’s a superbaby?

Ocho: You know. Like the ones I saw here.

Carson: Okay, those babies weren’t real. Those were fictional babies in a subpar Kathleen Turner vehicle.

Ocho: Yeah, but there COULD be superbabies. In fact, that reminds me. I have to unpack my superbaby detector.

Carson: That’s a comb.

Ocho: Yeah, but when superbabies get near it, it waves like this. See that?

Carson: You’re just waving it around yourself.

Ocho: That’s because the superbabies are MAKING me do it. You’re a lawyer and shit. You could help me find them! You know how I know when a baby is a superbaby? Because when I sing…

FARTY FARTY
MY BUTT’S HAVIN’ A PARTY

They do NOT giggle. One time I sung it for this superbaby, and he said to me, “Johnson, get your fucking ass back in the huddle!”

Carson: That was coach Lewis.

Ocho: Exactly. He’s a superbaby. Just talking about him makes this comb go crazy, Carter!

Carson: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING RETARD. MY NAME IS CARSON. NOT CARTER. IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO REMEMBER. AND I DON’T WANT YOU LIVING IN MY GODDAMN HOUSE WITH MY GODDAMN FAMILY. YOU UNDERSTAND?

Ocho: Absolutely. So where should I put these pickles?

Carson: NOWHERE! WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY TO YOU, ASSHOLE? I SAID YOU CAN’T LIVE HERE. WE AREN’T FAMILY. I’M NOT A FUCKING LAWYER. I’M YOUR GODDAMN QB, AND WHAT I’D LIKE FROM YOU IS SOME ACTUAL FUCKING EFFORT OUT ON THE FIELD. IS THAT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING POSSIBLE? OR ARE YOU GONNA SPEND ALL FUCKING DAY WAVING A FUCKING COMB AROUND?

Ocho: You know who was a superbaby? Ray Lewis. Stabbed two other babies with a rattle. Can you believe that, Carboat?

Carson: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We got minicamp! Let’s go! Practice bubble in fifteen!

Ocho: Comin’, Coach! Comin’! Coach, yo coach. They have my new practice jersey ready?

Marvin: What new practice jersey?

Ocho: I didn’t tell you? Okay, Coach. You gon wanna sit for this. Because this is some real shit.

Marvin: I think I’ll stand. Just tell me the deal.

Ocho: I am no longer Chad Ocho Cinco.

Marvin: I never really called you that anyway.

Ocho: I am now Chad Ochocinco.

Marvin: That’s the same name.

Ocho: Au Con Air, Coach. You have to listen. Before, I was Chad Ocho Cinco. Now, I am Chad Ochocinco. See how much faster that is? How much more aerodynamic? I figure that can take at least two tenths of a second off my forty time. Nuh what I mean?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: And that space in the name… that always bothered me. I didn’t like having that space between the Ocho and the Cinco. You never know what someone will do with that space. They could put a chair there.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, they could. They could put a very small chair there.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t. A space between two words is not the same as the physical space between, say, you and I.

Ocho: Yeah. But you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t! That’s a space that was in there, right? That space was open. Anyone could just park their ass right in that space. This closes that shit right up. Makes me feel more secure. You can’t get between Ocho and Cinco now. They’re Siamese twin words. They’re married.

Marvin: Okay, the space between two words is a typographical space. It’s on a two-dimensional page. It’s not an actual portion of space you can use to place objects or throw parties, or anything like that.

Ocho: BULLSHIT. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve heard about ID theft, man. What do they always say? Somebody stole my credit card and bought 100 pairs of shoes IN MY NAME. Well, how do you think they got into that name to begin with? The guy probably had one of those double names, like Billy Joe Tolliver and shit. People get in that space, and then they fuck around.

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that that space could be outer space. That’s a vacuum. That’s dangerous.

Marvin: There is no outer space in that space.

Ocho: No? Then how come, when I’m playing DOOM on my computer, I have to press the SPACE BAR to continue playing? You see how that works? You press the SPACE bar, and then you go back into space. This is some Stephen Hawkeye shit, Coach. No one really thinks about this stuff.

Marvin: That’s because it’s retarded. You haven’t listened to anything I’ve just said.

Ocho: I was listening, Coach! But just because I listen doesn’t mean I have to OBEY you and shit. I listened, and then I respectfully disagreed. Because I’ve seen aliens before, Coach.

Marvin: Oh, Jesus.

Ocho: I have! You know what they look like? Okay, you’re gon think I’m crazy. But here is what they look like.

Marvin: That’s a mouse.

Ocho: Is it? Or is it The Predator… in his day clothes?!

Marvin: It’s a mouse. It’s not from space.

Ocho: Yeah, but it COULD be.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! You don’t really KNOW where mice come from, do you? How do you know they weren’t brought in from space? YOU DON’T! How do you know when little Jed here goes NIBBLE NIBBLE NIBBLE, that that’s not some kind of alien code? He could be saying to the mother spaceship YO THERE ARE LOTS OF WHITE PEOPLE DOWN HERE AND THEY CRAZY. How do you know he’s NOT doing that?

Marvin: Because he isn’t. He’s a fucking mouse. Mice are from Earth. They can’t build spaceships. They aren’t intelligent enough.

Ocho: Oh, no? LOOK AT THIS!

Tell me that frog isn’t some kind of spaceship. (sings) FROG SHIP! THE SPACESHIP THAT’S A FROG! DUN DUN DUN! FROG SHIP!

Marvin: It’s not a spaceship. It’s a fucking frog. It has nothing to do with space. All mice and frogs are earth-based species.

Ocho: Well, let me ask you something… is the moon NOT made of cheese?

Marvin: No. The moon is made of rock.

Ocho: Well, let me ask you THIS: Does the name Mickey Mouse NOT have a space in it?

Marvin: Yes, it has a space in it.

Ocho: I rest my case.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING STUPID ASS. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU OUT THE DOOR SO WE CAN HOLD A BASIC OFFSEASON WORKOUT. AND YET HERE I AM AGAIN, SITTING WITH YOU IN MY FUCKING HOUSE TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT FUCKING MICE AREN’T FROM FUCKING SPACE. DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF? DO YOU ACTUALLY HEAR THE BLITHERINGLY SHITHEADED LOGIC SPEWING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

YOU COULD SHIT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. LITERALLY. YOU COULD EJECT FECAL MATTER FROM YOUR ORAL CAVITY AND IT WOULD BE MORE VALUABLE THAN ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY SAY. THAT’S HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE.

Ocho: I heard aliens can do that.

Marvin: GOOD FUCKING GOD. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK MICE ARE ALIENS, OR THAT A SPACE BAR ACTS AS A GODDAMN WORMHOLE? ARE YOU ABLE TO PROCESS INFORMATION IN ANY SORT OF NORMAL FASHION? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: See, I think we should talk to Ray Lewis about this. He’s stabbed mice before, so he’d know if there was space cheese inside them.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! We’re due at the team complex in 20 minutes!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’!

What’s goin’ on? What’s the scoopty poop?

Marvin: We have get over to the team complex right now. I want you running routes with Carson early and often.

Ocho: Okay, Coach. Okay. But before we do all that, there’s something I want to show you. I think I may have solved a lot of our problems, Coach. No lie.

Marvin: How’s that?

Ocho: Okay. So listen, I’ve been thinking about our QB situation. You know how Carson’s always hurt and shit? I think I found a solution. Peep this.

Marvin: Peep what? That’s a fish.

Ocho: Wrong. This is OUR NEW STARTING QUARTERBACK.

Marvin: …

Ocho: Listen, I picked up little Ray Lewis Jr. here yesterday. And I’ve been studying him, you know? I’ve been scouting him and shit. And lemme tell you, THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS POISE. Look at him! He doesn’t even blink!

Marvin: That’s because he has no eyelids.

Ocho: Even better! I mean, nothing gets to this guy. I tried to rattle him. I broke your dishes in front of him. I pooped in the tank. I showed him a fish sticks box. I even yelled at him. I said HEY FISH, I’MMA STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND LET HER LIVE IN MY SANDCASTLE, BITCH! And he just kept on keepin’ on. THAT’S A QUARTERBACK. It’s like he’s cold blooded!

Marvin: He IS cold blooded. All fish are cold blooded.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now you’re telling me all fish are superpowered sea monsters with cold blood and no eyelids? MAYBE AT SEA WORLD.

Marvin: No, it’s true. All fish are like that.

Ocho: But you don’t KNOW that. You’ve never met all the fish out there. There’s gotta be hundreds of them!

Marvin: Look, Chad. I could argue with you about this all day. But it doesn’t matter, because that’s a fish, and FISH CAN’T PLAY FUCKING FOOTBALL.

Ocho: Well, how do you know that? You ever watch a fish try and play football?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Then how do you know they can’t play?

Marvin: Well Chad, it could be because fish have no fucking arms or legs.

Ocho: Yeah, but they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could! I’ve seen videos about revolution.

Marvin: E-volution.

Ocho: I’m sorry. I don’t know who Eve O’Lushion is. I’m talking about REVOLUTION, when the fucking fish crawled out of the ocean and became men.

Marvin: What’s your point?

Ocho: How do you know that little Ray Lewis Jr. here couldn’t crawl out of his little baggie, grow some arms and legs, and start winning us some damn games?

Marvin: Because evolution is a process that takes years and years, Chad.

Ocho: So what you’re saying is that you aren’t patient enough to develop him.

Marvin: No. I don’t mean it takes three years. I mean it takes MILLIONS OF FUCKING YEARS. Okay? That’s how long evolution takes. It doesn’t happen after two years of fucking tutoring.

Ocho: Oh, please. How could it take millions of years? Look at you. Look at me. We’re here. Right?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: I rest my case. We evolved. How long did it take us to evolve? Couldn’t have been more than a day or two.

Marvin: No, I mean that we AS A FUCKING SPECIES took millions of years to evolve. Do you understand? We evolved as a collective group of animals. Evolution isn’t about one individual mutating from a fish into a man.

Ocho: I don’t know about that. I remember swimming a lot when I was young. How do you know I wasn’t a fish?

Marvin: Because you weren’t.

Ocho: But I could have been. I COULD HAVE BEEN A FISH CHILD.

Marvin: No. You were a fucking person.

Ocho: Look, coach. All I’m saying is that if fish had arms and legs and torsos and heads, then they could easily play quarterback, AND DO IT WELL.

Marvin: If a fish had legs and arms and a torso and a head, it wouldn’t be a fish.

Ocho: Yes it would.

Marvin: No it wouldn’t. It would be a man.

Ocho: It would be a man fish! A man fish could play quarterback. I’m certain of it. And I think that’s something we need to consider. We should sign more men fish. And I know exactly how to attract them to Cincy. We let them ride for an hour… ON CAR BOAT.

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!



DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

They could bring their fish children.

Marvin: Okay. Again, there are no men fish. THEY DON’T FUCKING EXIST. And even if fish had arms and legs, they’d still have NO FUCKING BRAIN. They don’t know how to speak, or talk, or process information. They can’t even fucking breathe fucking air.

Ocho: They can’t?

Marvin: No. They can only breathe through the water.

Ocho: Breathe through the water? OKAY, NOW YOU CRAZY FOR REAL. No one can breathe through the water.

Marvin: Yes, they can. Look at the gills. It breathes through the gills.

Ocho: The gills? Oh, you mean the water pussy?

Marvin: That’s not a water pussy.

Ocho: Looks like a water pussy to me. I saw a Japanese movie once where some little rice dude fucked a fish right in the water pussy.

Marvin: Those are the gills. They serve no reproductive purpose.

Ocho: How do you know? I’ve never seen YOU score any hot water pussy.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU OUT THE DOOR SO WE CAN HAVE A REAL TRAINING SESSION THAT ACTUALLY IMPROVES THIS TEAM, AND YOU’RE SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT FUCKING FISH. FISH CAN’T PLAY FOOTBALL, YOU STUPID FUCK. THEY CAN’T GROW ARMS, OR LEGS, AND YOU FUCKING WEREN’T A FISH WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER. YOU WERE THE SAME BREATHTAKING FUCKHEAD YOU ARE NOW. YOU FUCKING ASSHAT. A FUCKING WATER PUSSY? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?

Ocho: What if the fish played defense? I bet Ray Lewis could show Ray Lewis Jr. a solid swim move.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! You’ve been lying in bed for weeks!

Ocho: I’ll be down a little later, Coach.

Marvin: Oh, no. Not while you stay at MY house. I want you down here right now.

Ocho: Fine. Whatever.

What do you want?

Marvin: As long as you live here, young man, you’re going to get up and be a part of this family. Lying around in your room all the time isn’t acceptable.

Ocho: Look, Coach. I’m gonna level with you. I think I’m suffering from impression.

Marvin: DEpression

Ocho: No. IMpression. As in I M depressed.

Marvin: That’s not how that term works.

Ocho: Nuh uh! That’s the original pig Latin!

Marvin: Whatever. Tell me why you’re down.

Ocho: I just feel like everything’s gone wrong the past few months, coach. You know, we lost all those games. And you didn’t know about this, but my girl left me a while back.

Marvin: She did? Oh, Chad. Chad, I’m really sorry.

Ocho: She was great. I feel like she really understood me. Like, when I told her that I liked socks, and that maybe we should make very large socks to put whole babies in, she was on board. And when I told her I don‘t believe in volcanoes, she agreed with me.

Marvin: Actually, Chad. That’s incorrect. Volcanoes do exist.

Ocho: Oh, please. Have you ever seen a volcano erupt?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: I rest my case.

Marvin: Chad, we live in Ohio. There are no volcanoes in Ohio.

Ocho: Oh, well isn’t that convenient? You know what I think? I think it’s a conspiracy. I think the CSI wants you to believe there are volcanoes, so you’re scared to go outside and find out what’s really going on. Because I ain’t EVER seen a mountain smoke up like that. And why would a mountain need to smoke up? IT’S ALREADY HIGH!

Marvin: Mountains don’t smoke weed, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: You said it yourself! You said you’ve never seen a volcano. So how do you know that Mount Rushmore or some shit don’t like the occasional peace pipe? YOU EVER SEEN A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER? They all smoke up, man. They have beards and shit. That’s why they want to get to the top of the mountain, for that big mountain smoke. WHICH IS ONLY A LEGEND PERPERGATED BY THE CSI.

Marvin: Mount Rushmore doesn’t smoke weed.

Ocho: Agreed. But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! Those four judges up there are just SITTING AROUND! What else are they going to do in South Carolina? You’re telling me Abe Lincoln ain’t packing a pipe under his crazyass hat?

Marvin: Okay, Mount Rushmore consists of four stone carvings of former US Presidents. They’re stone. Stone can’t move.

Ocho: Then you ain’t ever seen Fantastic Four 2.

Marvin: Jesus. Fine. Believe what you want. I just need you to get out of this funk and get back to helping out around here, and helping the team. You know we lost Housh yesterday.

Ocho: I KNOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!

Marvin: No, it’s not. Anyway, I need you to be extra dedicated now more than ever. So let’s work this out. Let’s figure out how to make you feel better.

Ocho: I don’t know, Coach. It’s tough without my girl. She was everything to me, man. I just feel like, if I had done things differently. Like, maybe if I had superpowers, she would come back to me.

Marvin: But you don’t have superpowers.

Ocho: But I could.

Marvin: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: You don’t know that! What if I’m actually a member of the Fantastic Four 2? And I can turn into Mount Rushmore? And smoke weed? I feel like she would come back to me if she knew I could do all that.

Marvin: But you can’t. That’s not physically possible.

Ocho: See, I think that’s just a bad attitude to have. Why couldn’t I have superpowers? I feel like I could fly if I dedicated myself.

Marvin: You can’t.

Ocho: YOU’RE THE ONE TELLING ME TO WORK HARD!

Marvin: Yes, I’m telling you to work hard to so you accomplish things that are, you know, FUCKING ACTUALLY FEASIBLE.

Ocho: Well, I think being able to fly is feasible. There are tons of superpowers out there I could have if I applied myself. I could turn things into Chinese rice USING ONLY MY MIND. I could have a special computer that types things IN THE SKY. I could have a REALLY LOUD HANDCLAP. Like, a paralyzing clap. That would be great. Some white mountain climber guy would get in my face and I’d be like CLAP CLAP YOU DEAD.

Marvin: Again, none of those things are possible.

Ocho: I even got my superhero car figured out. It’s a special boat, WITH CARS ON IT.

Know what I call it?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: CAR BOAT. Ain’t no boat like that. I even wrote a song for it. Listen to this. (sings)

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!



DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

BAM! No one would fuck with Car Boat.

Marvin: Okay, that kind of boat already exists. It’s called a ferry.

Ocho: Man, I’m not talking about no gays! This is a fucking hardcore boat. Car Boat will dock a bitch. Know what I mean?

Marvin: Not FAIRY. FERRY. And ferries aren’t gay. They aren’t sexual entities. They’re inanimate. Inanimate objects aren’t gay or straight.

Ocho: No? Check this pen.

Tell me that pen isn’t gay. You know damn well that thing’s been in an asshole somewhere.

Marvin: It’s a pen. It’s not gay.

Ocho: But you don’t know that. For all you know, this pen could have smoked up with one of those gay mountains, and then they could have had gay mountain sex. WHICH WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON CAR BOAT.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE A FUCKING STUMP. I‘M TRYING TO PULL THIS TEAM TOGETHER AS IT’S FALLING APART, AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT FUCKING VOLCANOES DON’T FUCKING EXIST, DESPITE YEARS OF PHOTOGRAPHIC AND GEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE. YOU FUCKING RETARD. VOLCANOES EXIST, MOUNTAINS DO NOT SMOKE POT. AND YOU DO NOT HAVE FUCKING SUPERPOWERS.

Ocho: But I could! What if it turns out I was blasted with grammar rays, and now I can talk to sharks? OCHO CINCO: SHARK TALKER. It all makes sense when you factor in Car Boat.

Marvin: THERE IS NO CAR BOAT! YOU KNOW WHAT? GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITH YOU SEQUESTERED AWAY IN A GODDAMN ROOM, WHERE YOU CAN’T WASTE PEOPLE’S TIME WITH FUCKING GAY PENS, OR INVENTING FERRIES, WHICH HAVE ALREADY BEEN FUCKING INVENTED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: I’ll tell you what would cheer me up, Coach. If we signed Ray Lewis. This team was much better when it was stabbier. My socks told me that this morning.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat: Ocho Cinco was up before dawn to shop at Best Buy this morning:

Ocho Cinco makes his way through the Best Buy store in Florence, Ky. He said was in the store to buy coach Marvin Lewis a gift. Seen with a Rock Band kit, portable stereo and a Cuisinart four-slice toaster, Ocho Cinco said, “I’ve been trying to call coach, but he doesn’t answer.” It was 5:25 a.m.

As I said over on With Leather, the only way that list of items could be better was if it included some Michel Gondry DVDs.

But you know what?  There’s a lotta shit in a Best Buy.  That list of items/potential Marvin Lewis gifts could probably be WAY better.  Since we’re lazing through the day, we’ll open up the comments for what else Chad should be buying at Best Buy.  Please include your reasoning and imagined Ocho Cinco commentary if necessary.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Losing is not an excuse for apathy, young man! I want you to come down here and be a part of this team again!

Ocho: Hold on, coach! Comin’! What’s the scoop? What’s going on? Why didn’t you let Ocho play last night?

Marvin: I told you, Chad. You were late for the team meeting. So I had to suspend you indefinitely.

Ocho: Well, if I wasn’t DEFINITELY suspended, then why couldn’t I play?

Marvin: No, that’s not what that word means, Chad. It means that you are suspended for an indefinite period of time.

Ocho: Well, if you can’t define that period of time, why don’t you let me? I think I should have only been suspended for, like, a minute. Maybe four.

Marvin: No, Chad. You didn’t deserve to be suspended for only a minute. You needed to be suspended for the entire game because of your insubordination.

Ocho: I was suspended for insubordination? That’s BULLSHIT, man! You should be thanking me. Normally, Coach Bratkowski has to do all the offensive insubordinatin’. Why you suspending Ocho for helping his ass out?

Marvin: That offensive coordinating. Not the same thing. This is what I keep talking about, Chad. You keep making mistakes, and then failing miserably to own up to them. I have no choice but to keep you deactivated until I deem you fit to return to the field.

Ocho: LOOK AT ME! I’M FIT!

Marvin: Again, not what I meant.

Ocho: Coach, coach. I already said I was sorry I missed the meeting YO. I already told you, I was sleeping.

Marvin: That’s not a good excuse, Chad. You get plenty of time for sleeping during the night. There’s no reason you can’t show up to a 10 o’clock meeting.

Ocho: All right. All right. Okay, coach. I didn’t wanna say nothing about this, but I have to. The truth is, I haven’t been sleeping good. At all. I think I have a touch of the ammonia.

Marvin: Insomnia.

Ocho: Whatever. It’s just… it’s hard for me to sleep, know what I mean? I got a lot on my mind. Lotta shit goin’ down in OchoWorld, know what I mean?

Marvin: Thankfully, no.

Ocho: It’s just… sometimes at night, I just can’t get to sleeping. I think about shit, you know? I think about, like, letters. You ever think about letters, Coach? I do. And you know what? I really do not like the letter Y. It bothers me, you know?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: It’s just… what’s the point of it? It’s such a gay letter. Everybody’s saying shit like, “Hey Ocho, Y did you sit crosslegged on that one play?” Or, “Hey Ocho, Y did you put mashed potatoes in the toilet?” I don’t like that letter.

Marvin: Okay, that’s not the letter Y. That’s the word “Why,” which is spelled W-H-Y.

Ocho: But Y is in that shit! You see? What’s it doing there?

Marvin: Become sometimes the letter Y acts as a vowel, rather than a consonant.

Ocho: Well, how the fuck does it do that? Where does that letter get off thinking it’s all Optimus Prime and shit?

Marvin: It’s just a letter, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but it shouldn’t be. We’ve got so many better letters out there. Like X. That’s a good letter. LOOK OUT BITCHES, THIS MOVIE IS RATED X! That’s solid. I like Z too. It’s so sharp, you know? Like, Z is all, BACK OFF MUTHAPHUCKKA OR I’LL CUT YO ASS! That’s not a gay letter. That’s a letter that will do some fuckin’. Know what I mean?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Also, the letter Y looks like a slingshot. And I don’t like it when we use letters as weapons. You don’t see any gun-shaped letters. That would be bad for the kids.

Marvin: I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s Y. It’s a letter. It isn’t malevolent in any way. It serves an important phonetic role in how we speak. You use the letter Y to make a “yuh” sound.

Ocho: Yuh? Who the fuck says Yuh? That’s Eskimo shit.

Marvin: It’s not a word. It’s sound you make to pronounce the rest of the word. If I say the word “Young,” I need the Y sound in order to pronounce it correctly. Do you see what I mean?

Ocho: See, I think you’re just making it all up.

Marvin: I’m not making it up. They teach this stuff in first grade, Chad.

Ocho: You know what would be a good letter? The happy face.

You see a happy face, you know what that shit means. That would be a good letter.

Marvin: Okay, a happy face is not a letter.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t. It’s a fucking drawing.

Ocho: But that’s because you only THINK of it like that, know what I mean? It could be a letter if we wanted it to be.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t. It doesn’t represent any kind of phonetic speech command.

Ocho: Sure it does. It says, HEY LOOK AT ME I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL HAPPY AND SHIT!

Marvin: Again, it’s not a letter. It’s a drawing. It can’t be a letter.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. What if it used to be a letter and they just left it out by accident?

Marvin: They didn’t.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. You can’t possibly know that. You weren’t there when they did it.

Marvin: It doesn’t matter. Trust me. There was never meant to be a happy face in the alphabet.

Ocho: Okay, well let me ask you a question then. You got kids, right?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: They ever sing the Alphabet Song?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: Are they HAPPY when they finish singing it?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: I rest my case. There’s clearly supposed to be a happy face at the end of that shit. You know what else would make a good letter? A Snickers bar.

That way, you could be reading through some word and be reminded OH SNAP! I FORGOT TO FUCKING EAT!

Marvin: A Snickers bar would not be a good letter.

Ocho: Give me one good reason why it wouldn’t be a kickass letter.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. THE DEPTHS OF YOUR RETARDERY HAVE NOW REACHED A NEW FUCKING LOW. THIS IS WHY I FUCKING SUSPENDED YOU, YOU EMPTY-HEADED DOORSTOP. I’M TRYING TO SAVE MY FUCKING JOB, AND I HAVE A RECEIVER WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO SHOW UP FOR PRACTICE BECAUSE HE’S TOO BUSY THINKING UP NEW, FUCKING STUPID LETTERS FOR AN ALPHABET THAT HAS ALREADY SERVED THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD WELL FOR FUCKING CENTURIES.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ? OR WRITE? ARE YOU FUCKING ILLITERATE? I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE I’M ARGUING WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT A FUCKING CANDY BAR BELONGS IN THE GROUP OF SYMBOLS WE USE FOR DAILY COMMUNICATION. THAT’S HOW FUCKING DUMB YOU ARE, CHAD. YOU MAKE EVERYONE AROUND YOU NEARLY AS FUCKING RETARDED AS YOU ARE. SO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP, ASSHOLE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? DON’T EVER WAKE UP. BECAUSE ANOTHER HOUR OF YOU AWAKE IS ANOTHER HOUR THE WORLD’S BRAIN CELLS ARE SUBJECT TO MASS FUCKING GENOCIDE.

A FUCKING HAPPY FACE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: You know what else would make a good letter? A knife. Ray Lewis agrees with me on that. It would be like Z. Just really badass to have in there. It’d be like, NOW I KNOW MY A-B-KNIFE, NEXT TIME MAYBE I’LL TAKE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We gotta get out the voting station! Let’s go! The lines are getting longer by the second!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s all this now?

Marvin: It’s Election Day. We gotta go vote.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. I’m ready, Coach. Been waiting for this election for a LONG time. Real long time. Can’t wait! I even got my lucky voting stick!

Marvin: What’s so lucky about it?

Ocho: I don’t know. It’s just a good stick. Feel how solid that stick is.

Marvin: Whatever.

Ocho: MY STICK AND I ARE READY TO VOTE FOR SOME SHIT!

Marvin: So, you’re voting for Obama?

Ocho: What? Obama? Nah man, screw that guy. I’m voting for the white dude.

Marvin: But why?

Ocho: Because if I vote for the black dude, then Chad Ocho Cinco can’t become the first black President. Kow what I mean? No way I’m letting that shit happen. Can’t have no President O-bama without no President O-cho first.

Marvin: You’re gonna run for President one day?

Ocho: HELL 2 DA YAW. Can’t you just picture that shit?

Marvin: No. My entire central nervous system would shut down if I tried to do that.

Ocho: Yeah, well you best be picturing it. Because President Ocho gonna CHANGE SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

Marvin: Like what? What kind of platform would you have?

Ocho: Platform? Who the fuck said anything about platforms? I wanna be President. Don’t need no platform for that.

Marvin: Of course you need a platform. Otherwise, how will people know why to vote for you?

Ocho: Fine? I’ll get you a platform. Here you go.

That’s my platform. Ain’t no candidate on a better platform than me. Look how high up that shit is.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t the kind of platform I meant. A platform is a set of beliefs or stances that a candidate or political party has. It isn’t an actual platform. It’s an abstract platform.

Ocho: You mean, like, that Pablo Picante guy made the platform?

Marvin: No. That isn’t what I meant by abstract. A political platform is just a set of beliefs. For example, where do you stand on immigration?

Ocho: Oh, I love immigrations. Ben Utecht does a crazy good immigration of you, Coach.

Marvin: Ummm… Let’s just skip immigration. Just tell me: If you were President, what would you do? What laws would you make?

Ocho: Okay. Well, the first thing I’d do is make them turn down the volume on helicopters. Because helicopters are TOO LOUD.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: I would just say to all the helicopter people, HEY MR. WHITE HELICOPTER MAN! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!

Marvin: Okay, there isn’t a volume control on a helicopter motor. The sound it makes is the sound it makes. You can’t simply adjust it. It doesn’t have a volume knob.

Ocho: Yeah, but it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should! Maybe that’s why helicopters are so damn loud to begin with! Ever think of that? You don’t know that a volume knob would work until you put it there. Am I right?

Marvin: No. You’re astonishingly wrong.

Ocho: Yeah, well whatever. The helicopter noise got 2 go! Also, as President, I would like to see us build more things on clouds.

Marvin: Like what?

Ocho: Cities. Schools. Churches. We got all these nice fucking clouds in the country, and we don’t do SHIT with them. They’re all soft and fluffy. We should really be enjoying them more. I would like to move the White House to a very nice cloud.

Marvin: Okay, that’s impossible. Clouds are not solid. They’re made of AIR.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now who’s the crazy one?! I seen clouds, Coach. Those things are fucking SOLID. And comfortable! Like a bigass beanbag chair. You know what I would do if I were President? I’d make the helicopters land on the clouds. I’d also give everyone a free fire engine.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE THE FUCKING MOST INSANE RETARD I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. HOLY FUCK. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A FUCKING DEMOCRATIC PROCESS THAT HINGES ON REAL FUCKING ISSUES LIKE FUCKING HEALTH CARE. AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A FUCKING HOUSE ON A FUCKING CLOUD.

YOU FUCKING BLACK GIMP. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT CLOUDS DON’T STAY STILL? THAT THEY FUCKING MOVE? AND DISSIPATE? DID THAT EVEN FUCKING OCCUR TO YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENS TO THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE WHEN IT FLOATS OVER ENGLAND, YOU FUCK?!

Ocho: See? That’s the beauty of it. Good for spying.

Marvin: GOOD FUCKING LORD. OKAY, THAT’S IT. YOU ARE NOT FIT TO FUCKING VOTE. I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE GODDAMN VOTING STATION, BECAUSE YOU’D GET TO THE MACHINE AND SOMEHOW END UP TRIGGERING SOME SORT OF TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE. YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS FUCKING PROCESS, YOU BLITHERING SHITHEAD. NOT WHEN YOU THINK HELICOPTER MOTORS HAVE VOLUME CONTROLS, AND THAT POLITICAL PLATFORMS ARE THE SAME AS FUCKING CHORAL RISERS.

IN FACT, I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE RETARDS LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FUCKING HELP DECIDE OUR FATE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING BRAIN?!

Ocho: See, I think you have an anti-Ocho bias. I think me and my voting stick better go vote over at Ray Lewis’ cloudhouse.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

(January 21, 2009)

Barry: We did it, Honey.

Michelle: No, sweetheart. YOU did it.

Barry: No, no, no. This was never about me. This was a movement of millions of Americans, white and black, young and old. These were people who were motivated to get out there and DO SOMETHING, to change the direction this country is going in. It’s a bright new day, because we’re all in this together now. I’ve always believed that a man cannot be successful without having the good fortune of encountering, along the way, people endowed with a spirit of helpfulness and generosity. And today, I consider myself a very rich man in that sense.

We’ve got a lot of tough challenges ahead. But I learned long ago that this nation has always found, in its darkest times, its grandest ideas. We’ve always come out of times like this as a stronger, better nation. And I’m convinced we are on that path again today. And it all starts here! Can you believe we made it?

Michelle: Ooh, I’m so excited! Let’s walk into our new house.

(White House door flies open)

Barry: What the…?

Barry: Who are all these people? Why are there empty Kool-Aid pitchers all over the place?

Ocho: Whoa ho yo! There he is! There’s the man! My man! My motherfuckin’ ‘Rack! How the fuck you doing, Barry?

Barry: What are you doing here?

Ocho: Oh, well I took it upon myself to move into our crib a little ahead of schedule. I thought that would be the polite thing to do. Besides, Coach Lewis kept yelling at me about how chickens can’t play raquetball. BUT HE’S WRONG ABOUT THAT SHIT.

Barry: With all due respect, Mr. Johnson…

Ocho: Ocho. Call me Ocho. Johnson is my maiden name now.

Barry: Umm… Anyway, Ocho. I don’t know why you’re here. You’re a very talented football player. But I don’t know you. I have no relation to you. I don’t know why you saw fit to move into our new home without asking us.

Ocho: No relation? NO RELATION? Look at you, man.

Barry: Okay.

Ocho: Now, look at me.

Barry: Okay.

Ocho: I rest my case. BROTHERS. FOR LIFE.

Barry: Okay, we are not actually brothers. “Brother,” in that sense, is used as a term of affection between African-American men. It does not mean we are literally brothers. You are not a member of my immediate family.

Ocho: How do you know that, though? For all I know, I COULD be your brother.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could! You don’t know about, like, DNA and shit! For all you know, they could have switched up birth records. We could be TWINS.

Barry: I’m 47 years old, Chad. We couldn’t possibly be twins.

Ocho: Yeah, but how do you know you’re 47? Aren’t you from Hawaii?

Barry: Yes.

Ocho: Well, that means you’re on that fucked up Hawaii time. You may only be 47 years old in HAWAII TIME. See what I mean?

Barry: No, no, that isn’t how it works. Hawaii is in a different time zone. But years are still 365 days long. It’s not like dog years.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that. What if all dogs came from Hawaii? Think about THAT. Then dog years and Hawaii time would be all together. That’s some real “X-Files” shit right there.

Barry: Okay, ALL dogs are not from Hawaii.

Ocho: But they could be. I’ve seen them do that doggie paddle. They could have all swum over after coming out of the volcano. You should have Congress look into that.

Barry: Look, I really don’t have time for this. You seem like a nice fellow, Chad. But this is our home. And we’d prefer our privacy.

Ocho: Yeah, I know. It’s OUR home. That’s why we showed up early. Wanted to get first dibs on a bed. Also, I took the liberty of cleaning out the fridge. There wasn’t nothing but white people food in there. Like salad. Who the fuck eats salad? So we picked up whole SHITLOAD of chicken and put it in that bitch. We gonna eat good!

Barry: You can’t do that!

Ocho: I also redecorated the joint. They had pictures of these old white guys in wigs all over the place. I just tossed that shit right out. I got you a Scarface poster AND a Carlito’s Way poster. And they’re FRAMED. How nice will that look? There was also this sort of round office…

Barry: The OVAL Office.

Ocho: No, I think you’re wrong Barry. It was ROUND. Anyway. I cleared out all the boring shit in there and had them put in the hot tub. Fucking NICE.

Barry: Okay, this has gone way too far. This is OUR home, and you are not included in that grouping. This house is for my wife, my children and I. You cannot stay here.

Ocho: You can’t kick us out! We’re the first one’s here! LOOK OUTSIDE!

Barry: What?

(looks outside)

Barry: Oh, Lord.

Ocho: What you think, everyone crowded outside just to say HI? Motherfucker, we need a place to STAY. And you got the nicest place outta anyone we know. I’m surprised at you, Barry. I thought you’d be cool like that. Where the fuck are we gonna go? All my life, I’ve dreamed of seeing a black man in the White House, and then mooching off of that black man. Now you’re gonna deny me that dream. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT THE HOPE, BARRY!

Barry: This is not what I meant by that. The audacity of hope, and the audacity to force your way into a stranger’s living room, are not the same thing.

Ocho: Well, you sure didn’t get that point across BEFORE. We’re HERE now. You really just gonna kick us out like that? I already grabbed a couple million out of the Treasury just for flash money.

Barry: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!

Ocho: Why not? That’s reparations. I need to be REPAIRED, Barry.

Barry: Okay, I’ve had just about enough. You need to leave now, or I will have security escort you out.

Ocho: Oh, I see. So that’s how it’s gonna be? Brother finally gets out there and makes good, becomes the goddamn PRESIDENT, and then he gonna go forget about his ROOTS? That is fucking BULLSHIT! Motherfuckin’ George Bush spent fucking EIGHT YEARS here giving shit to white people! And you can’t help out Ocho and 14,567,920 of his closest family members? You ain’t nothing more than President Bryant Gumbel, BITCH! To think I almost voted for you.

Barry: You didn’t vote?

Ocho: Nuh nuh. They make you fill out all these forms and shit. Hell no, I didn’t vote. But I sure as hell ROOTED for your ass.

Barry: Okay. Let me make this very plain. I am inspired and delighted that my election has caused such joy and pride in our African-American community. And, indeed, I think we have now raised the standard of what a black man can achieve in America today. But my election does not give you carte blanche to leech off of my family, or the American Treasury.

Ocho: Yeah, but you could CHANGE all that, right?

Barry: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DUMBEST FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER PRODUCED? THE FACT THAT I AM NOW PRESIDENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET TO SLEEP IN MY FUCKING HOUSE, OR EAT MY FUCKING FOOD, OR FORCE ME TO LOOK INTO THE HAWAIIAN ORIGINS OF CANINES. IT DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE TWIN BROTHERS. AND THAT’S GOOD, BECAUSE I WOULD FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND MY OFFSPRING IF THAT WERE THE CASE.

I AM HERE TO CHANGE HOW THIS COUNTRY FUNDAMENTALLY OPERATES. I AM NOT HERE TO REINFORCE ALL THE STUPID SHIT WE AS A PEOPLE, BLACK AND WHITE, ARE ALREADY DOING. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM HERE TO MAKE THIS COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN, NOT TO ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE OVAL OFFICE IS ACTUALLY AN OVAL. ARE YOU THAT FUCKING RETARDED? ARE YOU FUCKING SARAH PALIN RETARDED?

Ocho: See, I still don’t think it’s an oval. Ray Lewis moved into the basement last week. Let’s go ask him.

Barry: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.