Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Let’s go! Lockout’s still on, but that doesn’t mean you can’t voluntarily go work out on your own. So move it!

Ocho: No, Coach. Not this time. I’m afraid you and I… We are at an overpass.

Marvin: Impasse.

Ocho: Ain’t no devil booty I’m talkin’ about, Coach. Who the Hell is interested in an imp’s ass?

Marvin: Never mind.

Ocho: Anyway, Coach. I have decided that you and I have to break up.

Marvin: Break up?

Ocho: That’s right! You’re too mean to me.

Marvin: What the hell are you talking about?

Ocho: There. Right there. You see that tone of voice you took with me right there? That’s mean. That’s not nice. And what’s with you keeping me in this house? Making me sleep upstairs?

Marvin: You AGREED to stay here.

Ocho: And what’s with you blowing whistles all the time and telling me to run fast?

Marvin: That’s coaching.

Ocho: That’s MEANERATION!

Marvin: That’s not a word.

Ocho: Or is it?

Marvin: It’s not. It’s really not.

Ocho: But it IS a word. If I say it, then it’s a word, is it not? Like if I say, TUNALOKKADUNGBIDDIE. That’s a word.

Marvin: That’s not a word. That’s just gibberish you strung together.

Ocho: Not true. A TUNALOKKADUNGBIDDIE is a flying fish that shits gold. TRUTH.

Marvin: Fish can’t poop gold.

Ocho: But you don’t KNOW that. They COULD poop gold.

Marvin: No they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could! What if I put just a little bit of gold on a fishing rod, then I covered that shit with banana pudding? BOOM! Goldfish, made of gold, shitting gold out.

Marvin: Gold fish aren’t made of gold.

Ocho: Whoa ho ho! Okay, now you lockin’ out KNOWLEDGE.

Marvin: They aren’t. They’re fish. They’re made of bones and scales and eyes and teeth.

Ocho: AND GOLD.

Marvin: No. Not gold.

Ocho: Then how come Mr. Wong down on the corner charged me $700,000 for a bag of Goldfish? Those were the Pepperidge Farm ones, with extra gold.

Marvin: He charged you that much because he knew you were an idiot.

Ocho: You see? MEAN. Callin’ me names. Insulting my people.

Marvin: What people?

Ocho: My people. You know. All the little Ochomaniacs out there. Just the other day, one of them wrote to me. Little girl. Name was Kyteesha Kyreesha. And she said to me, “Mister Ocho? Why is Coach Lewis so mean to you? And can you kill a dragon in the end zone for me the next time you score?” And I wrote back to that little girl. And I told her, “I don’t know why Coach Lewis is so mean. Why he has so much hate in his heart. Probably because his daddy dead. But I will kill TWO dragons for that ass come October.”

Marvin: No one wrote you that note.

Ocho: They did! LOOK!

(hands Marvin piece of blank white paper)

Marvin: This page is blank.

Ocho: She wrote the note in white crayon. INVISIBLE INK.

Marvin: There’s no one named Kyteesha Kyreesha. No one wrote you. I am not mean to you. I am extremely tolerant of you, more so than perhaps any other human being that has ever lived or ever will live. And you can’t kill a dragon in the end zone, because dragons don’t exist.

Ocho: They DO exist.

Marvin: No they don’t.

Ocho: What about a Kimono Dragon? REAL DRAGON.

Marvin: It’s a Kimodo Dragon and it’s a lizard. It doesn’t breathe fire or anything.

Ocho: You don’t know that.

Marvin: I do.

Ocho: No you don’t.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: No you don’t.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: No you don’t! You are so close-minded! Do you realize that we just killed Osama bin Obamawitz? WE DID THAT. We do that… We can do ANYTHING we put our minds to.

Marvin: Like inventing real dragons.

Ocho: YES.

Marvin: And then using them to ritualistically slaughter in the end zone at the behest of an imaginary eight-year-old.

Ocho: TWICE.

Marvin: Okay, just to clarify. There is NO link between the ability to kill a terrorist, and the ability to form mythical creatures from out of thin air.

Ocho: But you don’t know that.

Marvin: I do. You can’t make dragons, nor can I.

Ocho: I dunno, Coach. I was just upstairs in the shitter, and I think you made yourself a hell of a brown dragon up in that shit.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF TREE BARK. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I’M SO “MEAN” TO YOU, FUCKHEAD? BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IDIOT. YOU’RE A RETARDED, SELF-INVOLVED, UTTERLY DELUSIONAL IMBECILE WHO CAN BARELY USE HIS OWN APPENDAGES. DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BRAIN, CHAD? IS THERE ACTUAL TISSUE INSIDE YOUR SKULL? OR IS THERE JUST A PILE OF SHIT? THAT’S WHAT I’M PICKING. I’M PICKING THE PILE OF SHIT, A GIANT FESTERING PILE OF HUMAN EXCREMENT THAT WAS SOMEHOW PLACED INSIDE YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN AN EXPERIMENT GONE TERRIBLY AWRY. YOU STUPID FUCKING FUCK. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOUR FACE. I HOPE YOU DIE. I HOPE REAL DRAGONS ACTUALLY ARE INVENTED, AND THAT THEY EAT YOU.

Ocho: Can’t eat what you can’t catch!

Marvin: YOU ARE OLD AND FUCKING SLOW AS BALLS.

Ocho: Yeah well, tell that to me after I score six TDs AGAINST you! FOR THE RAVENS! That’s right. I’m outta here soon as this wipeout is lifted. And when that happens, I’m going to Maryanne and joining my boy Ray Lewis. And you will get every gallon of Dade County I got in me. And then, I WILL SLAY A DRAGON IN THE END ZONE. And not just one of those Kimodo dragons either. I’M TALKING A BARCELONA DRAGON, BITCH.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

By now, you know that the makers of Chad Ochocinco’s breakfast cereal screwed up and put a number for a phone sex line on every box. But what happens if you dial that number? We found a couple of transcripts from earlier this week.

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. The only sex line that gives you TWO o’s.

Frank: What? Sex line?

Ocho: Mmmm, unnnhhhhh. Damn, girl. You sound FINE.

Frank: I’m not a girl. My name is Frank Smith, and I’m 67 years old.

Ocho: Ha ha! You so funny! I like a girl with experience. For real girl, you got a little fight in ya. Ocho like that. You ready to get BUC NASTY?!

Frank: I thought this was a charity line.

Ocho: Charity can’t work the phones today. She had to take her kid to the doctor and shit. But don’t worry, baby. I’mma gonna make you feel reaaallll good. Now, what are you wearin’? You know what I’m wearin’? A PILLOWCASE.

Frank: This is outrageous. This is supposed to be feed the children.

Ocho: Oooh, feed the children! I like that. Baby, I’m gonna feed YOUR children with my luscious Ocho milk. It’s got Vitamin D. AS IN DICK.

Frank: (hangs up)

Ocho: Damn, I got you off QUICK!

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. We do the 85 here. It’s like a 69, only I’m ridin’ a Segway when I eat your pussy, and you were born without knees.

Tina Russell, four years old: Is this Mr. Ocho?

Ocho: Mmmm. Ohhhh. Oh, girl. YOU DRIVIN’ OCHO CRAZY! HE NEEDS SOME OF THAT SWEETASS TANG!

Tina Russell, four years old: What?

Ocho: Girl, you fine. You have no idea what I’m gonna do to you. I’m gonna fill your butt with hamburger meat. Then I’m gonna watch reruns of “F Troop”. TELL ME THAT DON’T MAKE YOU COME.

Edna Russell, Tina’s mother: WHO IS THIS?!

Ocho: Oh, you want your momma in this shit now? Oof. Ocho’s gotta take his bandanna off for this. Mother and daughter. Y’ALL BE CRAZY!

Edna Russell, Tina’s mother: YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM MY ATTORNEY.

Ocho: Mmmm. Unghhhhh. Ohhh. She as hot as you?

Edna Russell, Tina’s mother: (hangs up)

Ocho: Can’t wait for HER to call back!

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. When I cum, it’s like liquid Starburst.

Tanya: Hey, baby.

Ocho: Oooh! You lookin’ for a good time, girl?

Tanya: You got that right. Ocho, I want a big strong man to do me in all three holes.

Ocho: Oh, you bowl too? I love bowlin’. BETTIS AIN’T SHIT.

Tanya: No, baby. I want you to FUCK me. Hard.

Ocho: Mmm. Oooh. Ocho like that.

Tanya: Yeah?

Ocho: Oh, yeah. Can’t wait to get you home, girl.

Tanya: Tell me more. I’m fingerin’ myself.

Ocho: Girl, you know what I’m gonna do to you?

Tanya: PLEASE. GIVE IT TO ME.

Ocho: I’m gonna grease you with motor oil. Then I’m gonna play with these Legos. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY’RE GONNA BUILD!

Tanya: Legos? The fuck you talking about?

Ocho: Then, just as you’re about to Tampax in ecstasy, I’m gonna spit graham crackers ALL ON YOUR TITS.

Tanya: WHAT?

Ocho: Then you’re gonna watch me do this one poop trick I do, where I poop a green hanky.

Tanya: YOU ARE A FREAK! GOODBYE, CHAD!

Ocho: Another satisfied customer.

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. Only the third local sex line manned by a Cincinnati Bengal.

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman down wid it. Pacman gon shine. Pacman hurr u like it RAW. Pacman giv it 2 u raw. Gon fuk dat ass till it bleed dry. And then he gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till a bitch got dat Death Valley Ass.

Ocho: Don’t call here, dammit! I’m tryin’ to sex the ladies!

(hangs up)

(phone rings)

Ocho: Yo! This the Ocho sex line. If you stain your couch, that shit ain’t my fault.

Marvin: Chad, what are you doing? We have walk through right now. Why are you manning a sex line?

Ocho: Oooh! Oooh, Coach! I didn’t know you were so into the whole dominatin’ thing. YOU WANNA WHIP ME?

Marvin: I want you at the practice facility.

Ocho: At the practice facility? WITH SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND? Damn boy, you crazy!

Marvin: God dammit, will you STOP having phone sex with me?

Ocho: Just as soon as I get you off. Know what I’mma gonna do? I’m gonna tie you to a tire swing and pour gravy on you.

Marvin: You’re a fucking moron.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We got OTA’s! I need you ready to go!

Ocho: Nuh nuh, Coach. Can’t do it. Can’t do it. I got a tapin’.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: My reality show! They are filming my reality! Everything you see up on that screen will be REAL AS SHIT. But listen Coach, don’t you worry. I’m real excited for this season. It’s gonna be Ocho’s third reality show in a row! That’s a record! That’s Hall of Fame numbers! And gettin’ Pacman to join the cast? That’s just the POOPY!

Marvin: He didn’t join a cast. He’s on the team.

Ocho: “Cast.” In the industry, we call it a “cast”. That’s some lingo and shit.

Marvin: No, you’re getting everything confused. I don’t know why I’m pointing this out to you, given that you’re always confused.

Ocho: Well, shit shanaynay. You know what I like about Pacman joining the cast? It brings in that gamer element. Baby boonglers looooove that Pacman shit. And young people like the games too! So now we’ll get a whole new demo of these nerdy motherfuckers coming to watch our show!

And people will love seeing me trying to talk to Pacman! I’ll be like, “Pacman, you wanna go to the store and light some macaroni on fire?” And Pacman will be like ABABABABABABA. And I’ll say, “Pacman, can you help me wash this midget?” And Pacman will be like ABABABABABABA. Then he’ll run away and eat cherries and shit.

Marvin: Okay, the Pacman you’re referring to is the video game Pacman. The Pacman we signed is Adam Jones, a cornerback who doesn’t actually like to go by that nickname anymore.

Ocho: Uh uh. They said PACMAN SIGNS WITH BENGALS on my phone. That means we got the REAL Pacman. That muthaphuckka is gonna eat the Steelers UP! Big Ben ain’t gonna have no time to skeet in those white people bars with Pacman draped on his fat ass!

Marvin: We didn’t sign Pacman the video game character. It’s a fictional character. It’s not even a character. It’s a fucking yellow circle. It can’t play football.

Ocho: But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: But it could!

Marvin: No, it couldn’t! It’s not real. It’s a two dimensional graphic.

Ocho: Well, why couldn’t a two-directional graham cracker play football? I seen Pacman chase down those ghosts! YOU ALWAYS SAID WE NEED BETTER CLOSING SPEED! Think of the possibilities with real Pacman in the fold. And that’s not even counting some of the other free agents out there! Like Super Mario! You see that guy jump? Ain’t no Italian cracker EVER jump like that.

Marvin: Again, not a real person.

Ocho: And Link! That little Zelda gay dude! THAT BITCH GOT HEART. LOTS OF THEM!

Marvin: Not a real person.

Ocho: Master Chief! BLAM BLAM BLAM!

Marvin: Not a real person.

Ocho: My Hero! Watch this cracka kick!

Marvin: Not a real person.

Ocho: Pfft. What do YOU know? You ain’t ever worked in TV. I worked on “Dancing With The Stars,” okay? NUMBER ONE SHOW ON TV. I know how this shit works, daddy dee! I think you should put me in charge of directing the season.

Marvin: Football teams have coaches. And the season isn’t scripted.

Ocho: But it should be! Think of it, Coach. It’s the fourth quarter of our divisional playoff series against the Jets. You remember how Darrelle Revis tricked everyone into thinking he shut me down last year?

Marvin: He did.

Ocho: THAT WAS ALL IN THE SCRIPT! Don’t you get it? This is what we call a STORY ARCH. Now, Revis thinks he owned my shit, but I got surprise for him next season, when that muthaphuckka is seduced by the lovely Tiphani, the finest piece of Nubian pussy in my entire TV harem! Revis can’t cover me when she’s busy pooping on his staircase!

Marvin: Okay, I’ve had just about enough of this. I’m tired of you doing these reality shows. You’re dedicating too much time to them and NOT to football.

Ocho: I can’t help it, Coach! THIS IS MY REALITY. YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY TRUTH. You see that shit on TV? That is real. That is happening. I can’t prevent the real. Like right now!

(shows Marvin camera)

Ocho: See? The camera is there for OUR reality show! That’s the only way something can be REAL!

Marvin: You’re filming this?

Ocho: Not me. GOD.

Marvin: You’re an idiot.

Ocho: You know what I love about Tiphani? Her name. It’s so classy and upholsterated. That’s why I’m changing my first name to Kphrade. No more phucking around for me!

Marvin: How do you pronounce Kphrade?

Ocho: Like “Chad”. The KPHR is silent. Silent letters be creepin’!

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING LUMP OF A HUMAN BEING. YOU’RE SO FUCKING STUPID, I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING CANCER JUST FROM HEARING YOU SPEAK. THAT’S HOW DUMB YOU ARE. YOU’RE SO FUCKING IDIOTIC, IT’S TOXIC. CHILDREN WILL DIE BECAUSE YOU SAID PACMAN THE VIDEO GAME CHARACTER CAN PLAY ON A FOOTBALL FIELD.

Ocho: Oooh! Oooh! What about those Space Invaders? Imagine having that guy in the secondary, shooting down passes!

Marvin: THAT IS NOT A REAL PERSON AND THE FACT THAT I CAN’T EVER EXPLAIN IT TO YOU IN A WAY THAT YOU WILL RETAIN MAKES YOU THE MOST DEVELOPMENTALLY CHALLENGED PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH. EVEN RETARDS CAN LEARN, CHAD. IT MAY TAKE THEM TEN YEARS TO LEARN TO USE A SPOON, BUT THEY WILL LEARN. YOU, ON OTHER HAND, WILL ONLY GET FUCKING DUMBER, WITH YOUR TIPHANIS AND YOUR MASTER CHIEFS AND ALL YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT. I FUCKING HATE YOU. DIE.

Ocho: What about Ms. Pacman? What if we signed her? I could propose to her on the sideline. And then later on, I break that bitch in half!

(door flies open)

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman sez you cain’t break dat bitch cuz Ms. PM be HIZ BITCH. She chomp Pacman’s dik all night. Bullee dat. Pacman down wid it. Pacman gon shine. He gon give Ms. PM dat banana, den he gon find dat Lara Croft and raid her womb. And then Pacman gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. YOU THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK? PACMAN SAY AIN’T NO DRANK DRANK UNTIL HE PUT THAT BITCH DOWN TO SLEEP. HE GON CHOP DAT PUSSY LIKE THA BUTCHA MAN.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Quit playing in the snow and come inside! You have a mandatory voluntary players-only workout with the entire coaching staff in attendance. Let’s move!

Ocho: Comin’, Coach! Comin’! (comes inside) Do we have hot chocolate? I was in the snow. You can’t leave me hanging with that hot chocolate.

Marvin: There is no hot chocolate. We have to go now.

Ocho: But Coach! Coach, check this out. I wanna show you something. I have built something that will blow your fucking mizz. Look out the window. LOOK!

Marvin: Okay.

(looks out window)

That’s a snowman.

Ocho: WRONG. To the untrained eye, that is just a snowman. But do you want to know what it really is?

Marvin: A retarded snowman?

Ocho: Oh, you funny. No, that right there, is SNOWBOT.

Marvin: Snowbot?

Ocho: Snowbot. He’s a robot, but he’s made entirely of snow. (sings) SNOWBOT! THE ROBOT MADE OF SNOW!!!! SNOWBOT!

Marvin: So you made a snowman that is supposed to look like a robot.

Ocho: Not look like. IS. Snowbot is a real robot.

Marvin: No, he isn’t.

Ocho: Yes, he is.

Marvin: No, he isn’t.

Ocho: Yes, he is.

Marvin: No, he isn’t.

Ocho: Yes, he is!

Marvin: Real robots are made of metal, Chad. They’re not made of snow.

Ocho: But they COULD be.

Marvin: But they can’t!

Ocho: Why? Ain’t no rule that says a robot can’t be made of snow!

Marvin: Yes, there is. It’s called the rule of not being a fucking idiot.

Ocho: Child, please. Don’t be a shitbiscuit! That is a real robot.

Marvin: Well, what can it do?

Ocho: I dunno. I haven’t given it its orders yet. That’s one of the rules of robots, Coach. Like I saw in that Jazzy Jeff movie. The robot is only as smart as the man behind the robot.

Marvin: No wonder yours is made of snow.

Ocho: Well, who says a robot can’t be made of snow? I think you limit yourself with all these RULES and LAWS, Coach! I’ve seen robots made of things besides metal, you know! Like me! Remember when I did the Robot at your nephew’s wedding?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: That’s a real robot!

Marvin: No. That was you. You aren’t a robot.

Ocho: But I could be.

Marvin: But you’re not.

Ocho: But I could be.

Marvin: But you’re not.

Ocho: But I could be! You don’t know! I could be a robot made of people! Check this out, okay? (talks like robot) HELLO, COACH LEWIS. I AM A ROBOT. I AM TALKING TO YOUR WITH MY ROBOT BRAIN, WHICH IS ACTUALLY A COMPUTER OR IPHONE OF SOME KIND. Now, you tell me I’m not a robot.

Marvin: You’re not a robot.

Ocho: You know what I want to be when I robot grow up? I want to be an oven robot.

Marvin: An oven robot?

Ocho: Yeah. I want to be one of those little robots that comes out of the oven when you turn it on and helps make the bread go high.

Marvin: Those aren’t robots that do that. That’s the heat of the oven. The heat makes the bread rise.

Ocho: Pfft. Now who’s crazy? Bread don’t get high just with heat! The little robot comes out, gives that bread a nice fatty, and BOOM! That loaf be high as fuck.

Marvin: … … … I’m leaving. Get your robot bag or whatever.

Ocho: I can’t go that practice. I got dancing.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: I’m on Dancing With The Stars. Didn’t you know that shit?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Well, it is going to be the fucking NIPPLES. They asked all the stars to come out for it. Me. Pretty TV college sports lady. That bitch with the kids. Jesus. Lincoln. Godzilla. All of them. AND I GET TO DANCE WITH THEM!

Marvin: I don’t think Jesus, Lincoln and Godzilla will be with you on that.

Ocho: How do you know that?

Marvin: Because they’re all dead, or they are fictional characters.

Ocho: Speak for yourself. I’m definitely dancing with Godzilla.

Marvin: You don’t get to dance with any of your fellow stars, Chad. They pair you with a trained professional dancer, and that’s the one you dance with.

Ocho: So I don’t get to dance with the girl with the tits?

Marvin: I don’t think so.

Ocho: That’s what you think. I am going to revolutionize that show by being the first to dance with Jesus, Godzilla, and titty lady all at once. And you know how I’m going to do it?

Marvin: How?

Ocho: By programming myself… (presses back of neck) TO DANCE!

(dances)

DANCEBOT! THE ROBOT THAT CAN DANCE!!!!!! DANCEBOT!

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING TARDSAUCE. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU’RE A FUCKING ROBOT? YOU ARE A GODDAMN HUMAN BEING. YOU ARE NOT MADE OF METAL, AND YOU CANNOT PROGRAM YOURSELF TO DANCE. AND ROBOTS CAN’T BE MADE OF SNOW, AND THEY DON’T JUMP OUT OF OVENS TO SMOKE WEED WITH BREAD DOUGH, AND THEY CAN’T DANCE WITH FUCKING GODZILLA.

YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS. I AM TRYING TO MAINTAIN SOME SEMBLANCE OF MOMENTUM FOR THIS TEAM AFTER A DECENT SEASON, AND NOW I HAVE YOU GOING ON TV AND PLAYING IN THE SNOW AND THINKING YOU’RE MADE OF GEARS AND FUCKING SPRINGS. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DON’T JUST CUT YOU ON THE FUCKING SPOT AND BRING IN TERRELL OWENS TO REPLACE YOU. AFTER ALL, HE’S ALSO OLD AND FUCKING TERRIBLE AND RETARDED. BUT AT LEAST HE WON’T BE YOU. YOU BRAINDEAD PIECE OF SHIT.

Ocho: How you know TO isn’t also a robot? Because I talked with Ray Lewis and he think TO might be one of those andruids.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Victory Monday is OVER! We have to get to practice! ANDIAMO!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! I got the scoopty, poopty! You Coach, check this out. Check this out, brutha. Tell me what chu think of THIS!

Marvin: They’re glasses.

Ocho: They’re BIG glasses! Ha ha! Look at how big these bitches are! Now I SEE why nerds are so smart and shit. The bigger your glasses, the more you see. And that makes you smarter!

Marvin: No, none of those things correlate. At all.

Ocho: Sure they do! You should try these glasses on, Coach. I bet you end up drawing some seriously ASSNASTY plays if you got these shits on. And you know what else is cool about these Urkel dealies? I can see colors!

Marvin: You can see colors with your normal eyes.

Ocho: And I can see shapes!

Marvin: You can see shapes with your normal eyes.

Ocho: Yes, but if you SPIN these glasses around, the shapes and colors change! You see all kinds of colorful patterns! Just like one of those Horseshack tests!

Marvin: That’s a RORSCHACH test. And what you’re describing is not a pair of glasses, but a kaleidoscope. Your glasses are not a kaleidoscope.

Ocho: But they are! Look!

(spins around)

Now there’s a lamp! Now there isn’t! Now there’s a lamp! Now there isn’t! That’s a microscope!

Marvin: The shapes and colors are changing around you because you’re rotating your body. That’s how that works.

Ocho: And if I tilt my head, everything gets all tilted! This shit is CRAZY! I’mma pitch this to Marlon Wayans. We gon call it BLACK NERD. And it’s gon be about this brother who wears some glasses and LOOKS like a real shithead. But turns out he’s trippin’! AND HE’LL TALK WITH A FUNNY WHITE PERSON VOICE, TOO!

Marvin: That sounds like the worst movie ever made.

Ocho: If by worst, you mean THA SHIZNIT.

Marvin: Listen, Chad. I don’t have time for this, this morning. We’re actually a good team this year, so we have to stay focused. YOU have to stay focused.

Ocho: Oh, I’m focused, Coach. Very focused. These glasses aren’t my subscription, so everything I see is VERY CLOSE.

Marvin: Those are reading glasses. They’re hurting your eyesight.

Ocho: AND I got a fresh set of dollar bills for the refs this week. HOLLA FOR A DOLLA!

Marvin: I told you I didn’t want you pulling that kind of stuff this week.

Ocho: But it worked! You saw how hard the refs worked for us once they knew Ocho had a little tastykake for them!

Marvin: So you were serious about bribing them?

Ocho: OH HAIL YAYSE. You think a ref is gon turn down a buck? Nuh nuh. I see those refs every game. They only got ONE outfit! They can’t afford SHIT!

Marvin: Those are their uniforms. They’re supposed to wear the same outfit every time.

Ocho: But why? Why couldn’t they wear a leather jumpsuit? Then they could get RAW!

Marvin: Because that’s not the way it works. They have a uniform, just like WE have a uniform. So you can tell who’s who.

Ocho: CHILD PLEASE. Who’s who? You look at this face. You tell me you couldn’t pick these pearly whites out in a crowd. TING! You hear that? My teeth said TING!

Marvin: YOU said TING.

Ocho: Nuh nuh. That was my TEEF talkin’!

Marvin: Teeth can’t talk. They’re made of enamel.

Ocho: But they COULD talk, if they felt like speaking up!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could! I’ve Strahan’s teeth talk! They keep shouting to me, WE’RE SO LONELY OUT HERE, OCHO!

Marvin: Whatever. I don’t have time for this. We have to get to the practice facility. It’s Pittsburgh Week, and we can’t mess around.

Ocho: Oh, snap! Pittsburgh! That reminds me! I got a care package ready for those guys!

Marvin: I told you I don’t want you pulling any of this crap.

Ocho: Check it out, Coach. Check it out.

(opens box)

Ocho: Look at what I got these guys! Very small glasses. That means they won’t be able to see as good as us. And look at this sweater!

Marvin: It’s a baby girl’s sweater.

Ocho: But look at the label.

Marvin: “Made in Korea”

Ocho: That’s right! That’s Hines Ward’s sweater! HE USED TO BE A GIRL! BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Marvin: That doesn’t… oh, never mind. Go on.

Ocho: Look at these shoes. They’re both right footed! They’ll run in circles all night! And I got them broccoli, because they won’t like that. And I heard Big Ben likes to rape-a-dape the ladies, so I got him this hammer! And I got them this.

Marvin: It’s a tape recorder.

Ocho: That’s right! And before I give it to them, I’m gonna turn it on, so it records everything they say! We’ll know their game plan! THEY WON’T KNOW!

Marvin: But they will. Because it’s on.

Ocho: Not if I hide it in this bowl of delicious red Jello!

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO FUCKING BEGIN WITH YOU. YOU FUCKING PAPERWEIGHT. DO YOU REALIZE WE’RE FIRST IN THE DIVISION? WE’RE FIRST! WE’RE FUCKING WINNING THIS DIVISION, AND HAVING THE BEST YEAR WE’VE ALL HAD IN AGES. AND YET, I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR BREATHTAKING STUPIDITY. YOU STUPID FUCK. YOU STUPID ROTTEN FUCK. THOSE GLASSES ARE NOT SPECIAL. THEY DON’T MAKE YOU SMART. REFEREES DO NOT NEED SMALL AMOUNTS OF MONEY FOR NEW CLOTHES. AND THE STEELERS WILL KNOW THERE’S A TAPE RECORDER IN A BOWL OF JELLO IF YOU PUT ONE THERE.

Ocho: But if they EAT the Jello, then they’ll swallow the tape recorder, and then they won’t know it’s in their bodies!

Marvin: IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY.

Ocho: See, I think you’re wrong. Ray Lewis has made a lot of people swallow things they didn’t know about. Because he stabbed them right before he did it.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

We’re taking a break from watching Punte wage a pitched Twitter war with Chad Ocho Cinco so that we can live blog the first episode of the new season of HBO’s Hard Knocks, which is following the Cincinnati Bengals on the beginning of their epic quest to maybe five wins. Be sure to follow along with us, premium cable subscribers (I only have HBO and Sunday Ticket because I can write them off as a business expense, suckerzzzz). Last year offered us Peter King scarfing popcorn with Jerry Jones. What wonders await in this year’s edition? How quickly can Chris Henry and Ocho reduce Laveranues Coles to tears in a receivers meeting? How irate will Bengals fans be when they realize HBO spends more money on this show than Mike Brown does on his team? Can Rey Maualuga pick up where Odell Thurman left off? On a barely tangential Bengals note, of their surely masochistic fans, Chris Littmann, has decided to bring me on as a regular contributor to The Sporting Blog beginning Aug. 24, so be sure to drop by there in two weeks to supplement your daily intake of Ape.*

*I promise to be less obviously homoerotic by then

Carson: Honey? Honey?! I’m going to the store. Do you have anything you need me to add to the Honey Do list? It says we need berries, but it doesn’t specify what kind. Do I just get whatever’s on sale? Honey?

(doorbell rings)

Hmm. I wasn’t expecting any visitors today.

(door flies open)

Ocho: Comin’ through, white boy! Comin’ through! Clear that stairway, Carter. Ocho’s gotta move his shit!

Carson: What are you doing?

Ocho: What do you mean, what am I doing? I’m bunking with you and your family! That’s right! Ocho and The Porters. One big happy family! Now move out the way, Carter.

Carson: It’s Carson. Carson Palmer.

Ocho: You got it, Carter. You know, your name sounds a lot like a law firm. I have some unpaid parking tickets of my own. Not many. Like, 350 or so. You think you could take care of that.

Carson: I’m not a lawyer, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but you could be.

Carson: But I’m not.

Ocho: But you could be.

Carson: But I’m not.

Ocho: But you could be! Look at how white you are, Cartley! That’s lawyer white. Now, where do I put my shark tank?

Carson: Wait. We haven’t even discussed this.

Ocho: Sure we have. I TWEETED THAT SHIT!

Carson: You can’t just move in.

Ocho: Why not? This house looks nice. I see no reason why I wouldn’t want to live here.

Carson: Yes, but it’s not your house. It’s mine. It’s up to me to decide who gets to live in here and who doesn’t.

Ocho: Well, who died and made you the FBI?

Carson: It’s not like that, Chad. It’s a matter of common courtesy. If you’re gonna move in with me and my family, you need to discuss it with me first. That’s just basic protocol. I don’t even know if I have room.

Ocho: Ha ha! See, I love this! Here we are, bickering and arguing, just like a married couple. That’s the kind of special chemistry we have, Carsten! This is why we need to live together. Now, where do I put my hats? OCHO GOT SOME HATS!

Carson: You can’t put them anywhere yet. I haven’t talked about this with my wife. I haven’t talked about this with our kids.

Ocho: You don’t need to talk about it with your kids. KIDS LOVE ME! I got four of my own… somewhere. And whenever they see me, they say, “There’s Daddy Ocho! With money! The TV’s gonna work again!” I even write children’s songs.

FARTY FARTY
MY BUTT’S HAVIN’ A PARTY

That’s some Raffi shit right there.

Carson: Look, I enjoy having you as a teammate, Chad. And I want us to work together to get better. But we should do that at the team facility. We should make a schedule, meet up early, watch film together, work routes together, and things like that. I don’t see how you living here is any help. This house is for my family and I.

Ocho: Well, how do you know I’m not your family?

Carson: Because you aren’t.

Ocho: But I could be? You like hot dogs, right?

Carson: Yes.

Ocho: So do I! That’s a shared trait, right there. How many other people out there like hot dogs?

Carson: All of them.

Ocho: Yes, but are those people who like hot dogs also football teammates? You see the coincidences here? That’s not typical shit, man. I’m not gonna lie, Carter. I never knew my Dad. Never saw him. I don’t even remember his name. Now, what was your dad’s name?

Carson: William.

Ocho: I know that name! That could be MY dad!

Carson: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Carson: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Carson: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! How do you know your dad didn’t sneak out one night, drive down to Miami, and pick up a streetwalker named Shanee? You don’t! That could have happened!

Carson: My Dad is from California.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. You were just a baby. Unless you’re one of those superbabies, you can’t possibly know if he hit that shit.

Carson: What’s a superbaby?

Ocho: You know. Like the ones I saw here.

Carson: Okay, those babies weren’t real. Those were fictional babies in a subpar Kathleen Turner vehicle.

Ocho: Yeah, but there COULD be superbabies. In fact, that reminds me. I have to unpack my superbaby detector.

Carson: That’s a comb.

Ocho: Yeah, but when superbabies get near it, it waves like this. See that?

Carson: You’re just waving it around yourself.

Ocho: That’s because the superbabies are MAKING me do it. You’re a lawyer and shit. You could help me find them! You know how I know when a baby is a superbaby? Because when I sing…

FARTY FARTY
MY BUTT’S HAVIN’ A PARTY

They do NOT giggle. One time I sung it for this superbaby, and he said to me, “Johnson, get your fucking ass back in the huddle!”

Carson: That was coach Lewis.

Ocho: Exactly. He’s a superbaby. Just talking about him makes this comb go crazy, Carter!

Carson: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING RETARD. MY NAME IS CARSON. NOT CARTER. IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO REMEMBER. AND I DON’T WANT YOU LIVING IN MY GODDAMN HOUSE WITH MY GODDAMN FAMILY. YOU UNDERSTAND?

Ocho: Absolutely. So where should I put these pickles?

Carson: NOWHERE! WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY TO YOU, ASSHOLE? I SAID YOU CAN’T LIVE HERE. WE AREN’T FAMILY. I’M NOT A FUCKING LAWYER. I’M YOUR GODDAMN QB, AND WHAT I’D LIKE FROM YOU IS SOME ACTUAL FUCKING EFFORT OUT ON THE FIELD. IS THAT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING POSSIBLE? OR ARE YOU GONNA SPEND ALL FUCKING DAY WAVING A FUCKING COMB AROUND?

Ocho: You know who was a superbaby? Ray Lewis. Stabbed two other babies with a rattle. Can you believe that, Carboat?

Carson: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We got minicamp! Let’s go! Practice bubble in fifteen!

Ocho: Comin’, Coach! Comin’! Coach, yo coach. They have my new practice jersey ready?

Marvin: What new practice jersey?

Ocho: I didn’t tell you? Okay, Coach. You gon wanna sit for this. Because this is some real shit.

Marvin: I think I’ll stand. Just tell me the deal.

Ocho: I am no longer Chad Ocho Cinco.

Marvin: I never really called you that anyway.

Ocho: I am now Chad Ochocinco.

Marvin: That’s the same name.

Ocho: Au Con Air, Coach. You have to listen. Before, I was Chad Ocho Cinco. Now, I am Chad Ochocinco. See how much faster that is? How much more aerodynamic? I figure that can take at least two tenths of a second off my forty time. Nuh what I mean?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: And that space in the name… that always bothered me. I didn’t like having that space between the Ocho and the Cinco. You never know what someone will do with that space. They could put a chair there.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, they could. They could put a very small chair there.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t. A space between two words is not the same as the physical space between, say, you and I.

Ocho: Yeah. But you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t! That’s a space that was in there, right? That space was open. Anyone could just park their ass right in that space. This closes that shit right up. Makes me feel more secure. You can’t get between Ocho and Cinco now. They’re Siamese twin words. They’re married.

Marvin: Okay, the space between two words is a typographical space. It’s on a two-dimensional page. It’s not an actual portion of space you can use to place objects or throw parties, or anything like that.

Ocho: BULLSHIT. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve heard about ID theft, man. What do they always say? Somebody stole my credit card and bought 100 pairs of shoes IN MY NAME. Well, how do you think they got into that name to begin with? The guy probably had one of those double names, like Billy Joe Tolliver and shit. People get in that space, and then they fuck around.

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that that space could be outer space. That’s a vacuum. That’s dangerous.

Marvin: There is no outer space in that space.

Ocho: No? Then how come, when I’m playing DOOM on my computer, I have to press the SPACE BAR to continue playing? You see how that works? You press the SPACE bar, and then you go back into space. This is some Stephen Hawkeye shit, Coach. No one really thinks about this stuff.

Marvin: That’s because it’s retarded. You haven’t listened to anything I’ve just said.

Ocho: I was listening, Coach! But just because I listen doesn’t mean I have to OBEY you and shit. I listened, and then I respectfully disagreed. Because I’ve seen aliens before, Coach.

Marvin: Oh, Jesus.

Ocho: I have! You know what they look like? Okay, you’re gon think I’m crazy. But here is what they look like.

Marvin: That’s a mouse.

Ocho: Is it? Or is it The Predator… in his day clothes?!

Marvin: It’s a mouse. It’s not from space.

Ocho: Yeah, but it COULD be.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! You don’t really KNOW where mice come from, do you? How do you know they weren’t brought in from space? YOU DON’T! How do you know when little Jed here goes NIBBLE NIBBLE NIBBLE, that that’s not some kind of alien code? He could be saying to the mother spaceship YO THERE ARE LOTS OF WHITE PEOPLE DOWN HERE AND THEY CRAZY. How do you know he’s NOT doing that?

Marvin: Because he isn’t. He’s a fucking mouse. Mice are from Earth. They can’t build spaceships. They aren’t intelligent enough.

Ocho: Oh, no? LOOK AT THIS!

Tell me that frog isn’t some kind of spaceship. (sings) FROG SHIP! THE SPACESHIP THAT’S A FROG! DUN DUN DUN! FROG SHIP!

Marvin: It’s not a spaceship. It’s a fucking frog. It has nothing to do with space. All mice and frogs are earth-based species.

Ocho: Well, let me ask you something… is the moon NOT made of cheese?

Marvin: No. The moon is made of rock.

Ocho: Well, let me ask you THIS: Does the name Mickey Mouse NOT have a space in it?

Marvin: Yes, it has a space in it.

Ocho: I rest my case.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING STUPID ASS. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU OUT THE DOOR SO WE CAN HOLD A BASIC OFFSEASON WORKOUT. AND YET HERE I AM AGAIN, SITTING WITH YOU IN MY FUCKING HOUSE TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT FUCKING MICE AREN’T FROM FUCKING SPACE. DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF? DO YOU ACTUALLY HEAR THE BLITHERINGLY SHITHEADED LOGIC SPEWING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

YOU COULD SHIT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. LITERALLY. YOU COULD EJECT FECAL MATTER FROM YOUR ORAL CAVITY AND IT WOULD BE MORE VALUABLE THAN ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY SAY. THAT’S HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE.

Ocho: I heard aliens can do that.

Marvin: GOOD FUCKING GOD. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK MICE ARE ALIENS, OR THAT A SPACE BAR ACTS AS A GODDAMN WORMHOLE? ARE YOU ABLE TO PROCESS INFORMATION IN ANY SORT OF NORMAL FASHION? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: See, I think we should talk to Ray Lewis about this. He’s stabbed mice before, so he’d know if there was space cheese inside them.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! We’re due at the team complex in 20 minutes!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’!

What’s goin’ on? What’s the scoopty poop?

Marvin: We have get over to the team complex right now. I want you running routes with Carson early and often.

Ocho: Okay, Coach. Okay. But before we do all that, there’s something I want to show you. I think I may have solved a lot of our problems, Coach. No lie.

Marvin: How’s that?

Ocho: Okay. So listen, I’ve been thinking about our QB situation. You know how Carson’s always hurt and shit? I think I found a solution. Peep this.

Marvin: Peep what? That’s a fish.

Ocho: Wrong. This is OUR NEW STARTING QUARTERBACK.

Marvin: …

Ocho: Listen, I picked up little Ray Lewis Jr. here yesterday. And I’ve been studying him, you know? I’ve been scouting him and shit. And lemme tell you, THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS POISE. Look at him! He doesn’t even blink!

Marvin: That’s because he has no eyelids.

Ocho: Even better! I mean, nothing gets to this guy. I tried to rattle him. I broke your dishes in front of him. I pooped in the tank. I showed him a fish sticks box. I even yelled at him. I said HEY FISH, I’MMA STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND LET HER LIVE IN MY SANDCASTLE, BITCH! And he just kept on keepin’ on. THAT’S A QUARTERBACK. It’s like he’s cold blooded!

Marvin: He IS cold blooded. All fish are cold blooded.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now you’re telling me all fish are superpowered sea monsters with cold blood and no eyelids? MAYBE AT SEA WORLD.

Marvin: No, it’s true. All fish are like that.

Ocho: But you don’t KNOW that. You’ve never met all the fish out there. There’s gotta be hundreds of them!

Marvin: Look, Chad. I could argue with you about this all day. But it doesn’t matter, because that’s a fish, and FISH CAN’T PLAY FUCKING FOOTBALL.

Ocho: Well, how do you know that? You ever watch a fish try and play football?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Then how do you know they can’t play?

Marvin: Well Chad, it could be because fish have no fucking arms or legs.

Ocho: Yeah, but they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could! I’ve seen videos about revolution.

Marvin: E-volution.

Ocho: I’m sorry. I don’t know who Eve O’Lushion is. I’m talking about REVOLUTION, when the fucking fish crawled out of the ocean and became men.

Marvin: What’s your point?

Ocho: How do you know that little Ray Lewis Jr. here couldn’t crawl out of his little baggie, grow some arms and legs, and start winning us some damn games?

Marvin: Because evolution is a process that takes years and years, Chad.

Ocho: So what you’re saying is that you aren’t patient enough to develop him.

Marvin: No. I don’t mean it takes three years. I mean it takes MILLIONS OF FUCKING YEARS. Okay? That’s how long evolution takes. It doesn’t happen after two years of fucking tutoring.

Ocho: Oh, please. How could it take millions of years? Look at you. Look at me. We’re here. Right?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: I rest my case. We evolved. How long did it take us to evolve? Couldn’t have been more than a day or two.

Marvin: No, I mean that we AS A FUCKING SPECIES took millions of years to evolve. Do you understand? We evolved as a collective group of animals. Evolution isn’t about one individual mutating from a fish into a man.

Ocho: I don’t know about that. I remember swimming a lot when I was young. How do you know I wasn’t a fish?

Marvin: Because you weren’t.

Ocho: But I could have been. I COULD HAVE BEEN A FISH CHILD.

Marvin: No. You were a fucking person.

Ocho: Look, coach. All I’m saying is that if fish had arms and legs and torsos and heads, then they could easily play quarterback, AND DO IT WELL.

Marvin: If a fish had legs and arms and a torso and a head, it wouldn’t be a fish.

Ocho: Yes it would.

Marvin: No it wouldn’t. It would be a man.

Ocho: It would be a man fish! A man fish could play quarterback. I’m certain of it. And I think that’s something we need to consider. We should sign more men fish. And I know exactly how to attract them to Cincy. We let them ride for an hour… ON CAR BOAT.

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!



DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

They could bring their fish children.

Marvin: Okay. Again, there are no men fish. THEY DON’T FUCKING EXIST. And even if fish had arms and legs, they’d still have NO FUCKING BRAIN. They don’t know how to speak, or talk, or process information. They can’t even fucking breathe fucking air.

Ocho: They can’t?

Marvin: No. They can only breathe through the water.

Ocho: Breathe through the water? OKAY, NOW YOU CRAZY FOR REAL. No one can breathe through the water.

Marvin: Yes, they can. Look at the gills. It breathes through the gills.

Ocho: The gills? Oh, you mean the water pussy?

Marvin: That’s not a water pussy.

Ocho: Looks like a water pussy to me. I saw a Japanese movie once where some little rice dude fucked a fish right in the water pussy.

Marvin: Those are the gills. They serve no reproductive purpose.

Ocho: How do you know? I’ve never seen YOU score any hot water pussy.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU OUT THE DOOR SO WE CAN HAVE A REAL TRAINING SESSION THAT ACTUALLY IMPROVES THIS TEAM, AND YOU’RE SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT FUCKING FISH. FISH CAN’T PLAY FOOTBALL, YOU STUPID FUCK. THEY CAN’T GROW ARMS, OR LEGS, AND YOU FUCKING WEREN’T A FISH WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER. YOU WERE THE SAME BREATHTAKING FUCKHEAD YOU ARE NOW. YOU FUCKING ASSHAT. A FUCKING WATER PUSSY? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?

Ocho: What if the fish played defense? I bet Ray Lewis could show Ray Lewis Jr. a solid swim move.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! You’ve been lying in bed for weeks!

Ocho: I’ll be down a little later, Coach.

Marvin: Oh, no. Not while you stay at MY house. I want you down here right now.

Ocho: Fine. Whatever.

What do you want?

Marvin: As long as you live here, young man, you’re going to get up and be a part of this family. Lying around in your room all the time isn’t acceptable.

Ocho: Look, Coach. I’m gonna level with you. I think I’m suffering from impression.

Marvin: DEpression

Ocho: No. IMpression. As in I M depressed.

Marvin: That’s not how that term works.

Ocho: Nuh uh! That’s the original pig Latin!

Marvin: Whatever. Tell me why you’re down.

Ocho: I just feel like everything’s gone wrong the past few months, coach. You know, we lost all those games. And you didn’t know about this, but my girl left me a while back.

Marvin: She did? Oh, Chad. Chad, I’m really sorry.

Ocho: She was great. I feel like she really understood me. Like, when I told her that I liked socks, and that maybe we should make very large socks to put whole babies in, she was on board. And when I told her I don‘t believe in volcanoes, she agreed with me.

Marvin: Actually, Chad. That’s incorrect. Volcanoes do exist.

Ocho: Oh, please. Have you ever seen a volcano erupt?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: I rest my case.

Marvin: Chad, we live in Ohio. There are no volcanoes in Ohio.

Ocho: Oh, well isn’t that convenient? You know what I think? I think it’s a conspiracy. I think the CSI wants you to believe there are volcanoes, so you’re scared to go outside and find out what’s really going on. Because I ain’t EVER seen a mountain smoke up like that. And why would a mountain need to smoke up? IT’S ALREADY HIGH!

Marvin: Mountains don’t smoke weed, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: You said it yourself! You said you’ve never seen a volcano. So how do you know that Mount Rushmore or some shit don’t like the occasional peace pipe? YOU EVER SEEN A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER? They all smoke up, man. They have beards and shit. That’s why they want to get to the top of the mountain, for that big mountain smoke. WHICH IS ONLY A LEGEND PERPERGATED BY THE CSI.

Marvin: Mount Rushmore doesn’t smoke weed.

Ocho: Agreed. But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! Those four judges up there are just SITTING AROUND! What else are they going to do in South Carolina? You’re telling me Abe Lincoln ain’t packing a pipe under his crazyass hat?

Marvin: Okay, Mount Rushmore consists of four stone carvings of former US Presidents. They’re stone. Stone can’t move.

Ocho: Then you ain’t ever seen Fantastic Four 2.

Marvin: Jesus. Fine. Believe what you want. I just need you to get out of this funk and get back to helping out around here, and helping the team. You know we lost Housh yesterday.

Ocho: I KNOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!

Marvin: No, it’s not. Anyway, I need you to be extra dedicated now more than ever. So let’s work this out. Let’s figure out how to make you feel better.

Ocho: I don’t know, Coach. It’s tough without my girl. She was everything to me, man. I just feel like, if I had done things differently. Like, maybe if I had superpowers, she would come back to me.

Marvin: But you don’t have superpowers.

Ocho: But I could.

Marvin: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: You don’t know that! What if I’m actually a member of the Fantastic Four 2? And I can turn into Mount Rushmore? And smoke weed? I feel like she would come back to me if she knew I could do all that.

Marvin: But you can’t. That’s not physically possible.

Ocho: See, I think that’s just a bad attitude to have. Why couldn’t I have superpowers? I feel like I could fly if I dedicated myself.

Marvin: You can’t.

Ocho: YOU’RE THE ONE TELLING ME TO WORK HARD!

Marvin: Yes, I’m telling you to work hard to so you accomplish things that are, you know, FUCKING ACTUALLY FEASIBLE.

Ocho: Well, I think being able to fly is feasible. There are tons of superpowers out there I could have if I applied myself. I could turn things into Chinese rice USING ONLY MY MIND. I could have a special computer that types things IN THE SKY. I could have a REALLY LOUD HANDCLAP. Like, a paralyzing clap. That would be great. Some white mountain climber guy would get in my face and I’d be like CLAP CLAP YOU DEAD.

Marvin: Again, none of those things are possible.

Ocho: I even got my superhero car figured out. It’s a special boat, WITH CARS ON IT.

Know what I call it?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: CAR BOAT. Ain’t no boat like that. I even wrote a song for it. Listen to this. (sings)

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!



DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

BAM! No one would fuck with Car Boat.

Marvin: Okay, that kind of boat already exists. It’s called a ferry.

Ocho: Man, I’m not talking about no gays! This is a fucking hardcore boat. Car Boat will dock a bitch. Know what I mean?

Marvin: Not FAIRY. FERRY. And ferries aren’t gay. They aren’t sexual entities. They’re inanimate. Inanimate objects aren’t gay or straight.

Ocho: No? Check this pen.

Tell me that pen isn’t gay. You know damn well that thing’s been in an asshole somewhere.

Marvin: It’s a pen. It’s not gay.

Ocho: But you don’t know that. For all you know, this pen could have smoked up with one of those gay mountains, and then they could have had gay mountain sex. WHICH WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON CAR BOAT.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE A FUCKING STUMP. I‘M TRYING TO PULL THIS TEAM TOGETHER AS IT’S FALLING APART, AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT FUCKING VOLCANOES DON’T FUCKING EXIST, DESPITE YEARS OF PHOTOGRAPHIC AND GEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE. YOU FUCKING RETARD. VOLCANOES EXIST, MOUNTAINS DO NOT SMOKE POT. AND YOU DO NOT HAVE FUCKING SUPERPOWERS.

Ocho: But I could! What if it turns out I was blasted with grammar rays, and now I can talk to sharks? OCHO CINCO: SHARK TALKER. It all makes sense when you factor in Car Boat.

Marvin: THERE IS NO CAR BOAT! YOU KNOW WHAT? GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITH YOU SEQUESTERED AWAY IN A GODDAMN ROOM, WHERE YOU CAN’T WASTE PEOPLE’S TIME WITH FUCKING GAY PENS, OR INVENTING FERRIES, WHICH HAVE ALREADY BEEN FUCKING INVENTED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: I’ll tell you what would cheer me up, Coach. If we signed Ray Lewis. This team was much better when it was stabbier. My socks told me that this morning.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.