In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ochocinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Victory Monday is OVER! We have to get to practice! ANDIAMO!

(more…)

We’re taking a break from watching Punte wage a pitched Twitter war with Chad Ocho Cinco so that we can live blog the first episode of the new season of HBO’s Hard Knocks, which is following the Cincinnati Bengals on the beginning of their epic quest to maybe five wins. Be sure to follow along with us, premium cable subscribers (I only have HBO and Sunday Ticket because I can write them off as a business expense, suckerzzzz). Last year offered us Peter King scarfing popcorn with Jerry Jones. What wonders await in this year’s edition? How quickly can Chris Henry and Ocho reduce Laveranues Coles to tears in a receivers meeting? How irate will Bengals fans be when they realize HBO spends more money on this show than Mike Brown does on his team? Can Rey Maualuga pick up where Odell Thurman left off? On a barely tangential Bengals note, of their surely masochistic fans, Chris Littmann, has decided to bring me on as a regular contributor to The Sporting Blog beginning Aug. 24, so be sure to drop by there in two weeks to supplement your daily intake of Ape.*

*I promise to be less obviously homoerotic by then

In an effort to establish better rapport with his teammate, Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco decides to take the drastic step of moving into the home of quarterback Carson Palmer, in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Carson: Honey? Honey?! I’m going to the store. Do you have anything you need me to add to the Honey Do list? It says we need berries, but it doesn’t specify what kind. Do I just get whatever’s on sale? Honey?

(doorbell rings)

Hmm. I wasn’t expecting any visitors today.

(door flies open)

(more…)

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ochocinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We got minicamp! Let’s go! Practice bubble in fifteen!

(more…)

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! We’re due at the team complex in 20 minutes!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’!

What’s goin’ on? What’s the scoopty poop?

Marvin: We have get over to the team complex right now. I want you running routes with Carson early and often.

Ocho: Okay, Coach. Okay. But before we do all that, there’s something I want to show you. I think I may have solved a lot of our problems, Coach. No lie.

Marvin: How’s that?

(more…)

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! You’ve been lying in bed for weeks!

Ocho: I’ll be down a little later, Coach.

Marvin: Oh, no. Not while you stay at MY house. I want you down here right now.

Ocho: Fine. Whatever.

What do you want?

Marvin: As long as you live here, young man, you’re going to get up and be a part of this family. Lying around in your room all the time isn’t acceptable.

Ocho: Look, Coach. I’m gonna level with you. I think I’m suffering from impression.

Marvin: DEpression

Ocho: No. IMpression. As in I M depressed.

Marvin: That’s not how that term works.

Ocho: Nuh uh! That’s the original pig Latin!

Marvin: Whatever. Tell me why you’re down.

Ocho: I just feel like everything’s gone wrong the past few months, coach. You know, we lost all those games. And you didn’t know about this, but my girl left me a while back.

Marvin: She did? Oh, Chad. Chad, I’m really sorry.

Ocho: She was great. I feel like she really understood me. Like, when I told her that I liked socks, and that maybe we should make very large socks to put whole babies in, she was on board. And when I told her I don‘t believe in volcanoes, she agreed with me.

Marvin: Actually, Chad. That’s incorrect. Volcanoes do exist.

Ocho: Oh, please. Have you ever seen a volcano erupt?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: I rest my case.

Marvin: Chad, we live in Ohio. There are no volcanoes in Ohio.

Ocho: Oh, well isn’t that convenient? You know what I think? I think it’s a conspiracy. I think the CSI wants you to believe there are volcanoes, so you’re scared to go outside and find out what’s really going on. Because I ain’t EVER seen a mountain smoke up like that. And why would a mountain need to smoke up? IT’S ALREADY HIGH!

Marvin: Mountains don’t smoke weed, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: You said it yourself! You said you’ve never seen a volcano. So how do you know that Mount Rushmore or some shit don’t like the occasional peace pipe? YOU EVER SEEN A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER? They all smoke up, man. They have beards and shit. That’s why they want to get to the top of the mountain, for that big mountain smoke. WHICH IS ONLY A LEGEND PERPERGATED BY THE CSI.

Marvin: Mount Rushmore doesn’t smoke weed.

Ocho: Agreed. But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! Those four judges up there are just SITTING AROUND! What else are they going to do in South Carolina? You’re telling me Abe Lincoln ain’t packing a pipe under his crazyass hat?

Marvin: Okay, Mount Rushmore consists of four stone carvings of former US Presidents. They’re stone. Stone can’t move.

Ocho: Then you ain’t ever seen Fantastic Four 2.

Marvin: Jesus. Fine. Believe what you want. I just need you to get out of this funk and get back to helping out around here, and helping the team. You know we lost Housh yesterday.

Ocho: I KNOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!

Marvin: No, it’s not. Anyway, I need you to be extra dedicated now more than ever. So let’s work this out. Let’s figure out how to make you feel better.

Ocho: I don’t know, Coach. It’s tough without my girl. She was everything to me, man. I just feel like, if I had done things differently. Like, maybe if I had superpowers, she would come back to me.

Marvin: But you don’t have superpowers.

Ocho: But I could.

Marvin: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: You don’t know that! What if I’m actually a member of the Fantastic Four 2? And I can turn into Mount Rushmore? And smoke weed? I feel like she would come back to me if she knew I could do all that.

Marvin: But you can’t. That’s not physically possible.

Ocho: See, I think that’s just a bad attitude to have. Why couldn’t I have superpowers? I feel like I could fly if I dedicated myself.

Marvin: You can’t.

Ocho: YOU’RE THE ONE TELLING ME TO WORK HARD!

Marvin: Yes, I’m telling you to work hard to so you accomplish things that are, you know, FUCKING ACTUALLY FEASIBLE.

Ocho: Well, I think being able to fly is feasible. There are tons of superpowers out there I could have if I applied myself. I could turn things into Chinese rice USING ONLY MY MIND. I could have a special computer that types things IN THE SKY. I could have a REALLY LOUD HANDCLAP. Like, a paralyzing clap. That would be great. Some white mountain climber guy would get in my face and I’d be like CLAP CLAP YOU DEAD.

Marvin: Again, none of those things are possible.

Ocho: I even got my superhero car figured out. It’s a special boat, WITH CARS ON IT.

Know what I call it?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: CAR BOAT. Ain’t no boat like that. I even wrote a song for it. Listen to this. (sings)

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!



DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

BAM! No one would fuck with Car Boat.

Marvin: Okay, that kind of boat already exists. It’s called a ferry.

Ocho: Man, I’m not talking about no gays! This is a fucking hardcore boat. Car Boat will dock a bitch. Know what I mean?

Marvin: Not FAIRY. FERRY. And ferries aren’t gay. They aren’t sexual entities. They’re inanimate. Inanimate objects aren’t gay or straight.

Ocho: No? Check this pen.

Tell me that pen isn’t gay. You know damn well that thing’s been in an asshole somewhere.

Marvin: It’s a pen. It’s not gay.

Ocho: But you don’t know that. For all you know, this pen could have smoked up with one of those gay mountains, and then they could have had gay mountain sex. WHICH WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON CAR BOAT.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE A FUCKING STUMP. I‘M TRYING TO PULL THIS TEAM TOGETHER AS IT’S FALLING APART, AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT FUCKING VOLCANOES DON’T FUCKING EXIST, DESPITE YEARS OF PHOTOGRAPHIC AND GEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE. YOU FUCKING RETARD. VOLCANOES EXIST, MOUNTAINS DO NOT SMOKE POT. AND YOU DO NOT HAVE FUCKING SUPERPOWERS.

Ocho: But I could! What if it turns out I was blasted with grammar rays, and now I can talk to sharks? OCHO CINCO: SHARK TALKER. It all makes sense when you factor in Car Boat.

Marvin: THERE IS NO CAR BOAT! YOU KNOW WHAT? GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITH YOU SEQUESTERED AWAY IN A GODDAMN ROOM, WHERE YOU CAN’T WASTE PEOPLE’S TIME WITH FUCKING GAY PENS, OR INVENTING FERRIES, WHICH HAVE ALREADY BEEN FUCKING INVENTED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: I’ll tell you what would cheer me up, Coach. If we signed Ray Lewis. This team was much better when it was stabbier. My socks told me that this morning.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat: Ocho Cinco was up before dawn to shop at Best Buy this morning:

Ocho Cinco makes his way through the Best Buy store in Florence, Ky. He said was in the store to buy coach Marvin Lewis a gift. Seen with a Rock Band kit, portable stereo and a Cuisinart four-slice toaster, Ocho Cinco said, “I’ve been trying to call coach, but he doesn’t answer.” It was 5:25 a.m.

As I said over on With Leather, the only way that list of items could be better was if it included some Michel Gondry DVDs.

But you know what?  There’s a lotta shit in a Best Buy.  That list of items/potential Marvin Lewis gifts could probably be WAY better.  Since we’re lazing through the day, we’ll open up the comments for what else Chad should be buying at Best Buy.  Please include your reasoning and imagined Ocho Cinco commentary if necessary.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Losing is not an excuse for apathy, young man! I want you to come down here and be a part of this team again!

Ocho: Hold on, coach! Comin’! What’s the scoop? What’s going on? Why didn’t you let Ocho play last night?

Marvin: I told you, Chad. You were late for the team meeting. So I had to suspend you indefinitely.

Ocho: Well, if I wasn’t DEFINITELY suspended, then why couldn’t I play?

Marvin: No, that’s not what that word means, Chad. It means that you are suspended for an indefinite period of time.

Ocho: Well, if you can’t define that period of time, why don’t you let me? I think I should have only been suspended for, like, a minute. Maybe four.

Marvin: No, Chad. You didn’t deserve to be suspended for only a minute. You needed to be suspended for the entire game because of your insubordination.

Ocho: I was suspended for insubordination? That’s BULLSHIT, man! You should be thanking me. Normally, Coach Bratkowski has to do all the offensive insubordinatin’. Why you suspending Ocho for helping his ass out?

Marvin: That offensive coordinating. Not the same thing. This is what I keep talking about, Chad. You keep making mistakes, and then failing miserably to own up to them. I have no choice but to keep you deactivated until I deem you fit to return to the field.

Ocho: LOOK AT ME! I’M FIT!

Marvin: Again, not what I meant.

Ocho: Coach, coach. I already said I was sorry I missed the meeting YO. I already told you, I was sleeping.

Marvin: That’s not a good excuse, Chad. You get plenty of time for sleeping during the night. There’s no reason you can’t show up to a 10 o’clock meeting.

Ocho: All right. All right. Okay, coach. I didn’t wanna say nothing about this, but I have to. The truth is, I haven’t been sleeping good. At all. I think I have a touch of the ammonia.

Marvin: Insomnia.

Ocho: Whatever. It’s just… it’s hard for me to sleep, know what I mean? I got a lot on my mind. Lotta shit goin’ down in OchoWorld, know what I mean?

Marvin: Thankfully, no.

Ocho: It’s just… sometimes at night, I just can’t get to sleeping. I think about shit, you know? I think about, like, letters. You ever think about letters, Coach? I do. And you know what? I really do not like the letter Y. It bothers me, you know?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: It’s just… what’s the point of it? It’s such a gay letter. Everybody’s saying shit like, “Hey Ocho, Y did you sit crosslegged on that one play?” Or, “Hey Ocho, Y did you put mashed potatoes in the toilet?” I don’t like that letter.

Marvin: Okay, that’s not the letter Y. That’s the word “Why,” which is spelled W-H-Y.

Ocho: But Y is in that shit! You see? What’s it doing there?

Marvin: Become sometimes the letter Y acts as a vowel, rather than a consonant.

Ocho: Well, how the fuck does it do that? Where does that letter get off thinking it’s all Optimus Prime and shit?

Marvin: It’s just a letter, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but it shouldn’t be. We’ve got so many better letters out there. Like X. That’s a good letter. LOOK OUT BITCHES, THIS MOVIE IS RATED X! That’s solid. I like Z too. It’s so sharp, you know? Like, Z is all, BACK OFF MUTHAPHUCKKA OR I’LL CUT YO ASS! That’s not a gay letter. That’s a letter that will do some fuckin’. Know what I mean?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Also, the letter Y looks like a slingshot. And I don’t like it when we use letters as weapons. You don’t see any gun-shaped letters. That would be bad for the kids.

Marvin: I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s Y. It’s a letter. It isn’t malevolent in any way. It serves an important phonetic role in how we speak. You use the letter Y to make a “yuh” sound.

Ocho: Yuh? Who the fuck says Yuh? That’s Eskimo shit.

Marvin: It’s not a word. It’s sound you make to pronounce the rest of the word. If I say the word “Young,” I need the Y sound in order to pronounce it correctly. Do you see what I mean?

Ocho: See, I think you’re just making it all up.

Marvin: I’m not making it up. They teach this stuff in first grade, Chad.

Ocho: You know what would be a good letter? The happy face.

You see a happy face, you know what that shit means. That would be a good letter.

Marvin: Okay, a happy face is not a letter.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t. It’s a fucking drawing.

Ocho: But that’s because you only THINK of it like that, know what I mean? It could be a letter if we wanted it to be.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t. It doesn’t represent any kind of phonetic speech command.

Ocho: Sure it does. It says, HEY LOOK AT ME I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL HAPPY AND SHIT!

Marvin: Again, it’s not a letter. It’s a drawing. It can’t be a letter.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. What if it used to be a letter and they just left it out by accident?

Marvin: They didn’t.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. You can’t possibly know that. You weren’t there when they did it.

Marvin: It doesn’t matter. Trust me. There was never meant to be a happy face in the alphabet.

Ocho: Okay, well let me ask you a question then. You got kids, right?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: They ever sing the Alphabet Song?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: Are they HAPPY when they finish singing it?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: I rest my case. There’s clearly supposed to be a happy face at the end of that shit. You know what else would make a good letter? A Snickers bar.

That way, you could be reading through some word and be reminded OH SNAP! I FORGOT TO FUCKING EAT!

Marvin: A Snickers bar would not be a good letter.

Ocho: Give me one good reason why it wouldn’t be a kickass letter.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. THE DEPTHS OF YOUR RETARDERY HAVE NOW REACHED A NEW FUCKING LOW. THIS IS WHY I FUCKING SUSPENDED YOU, YOU EMPTY-HEADED DOORSTOP. I’M TRYING TO SAVE MY FUCKING JOB, AND I HAVE A RECEIVER WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO SHOW UP FOR PRACTICE BECAUSE HE’S TOO BUSY THINKING UP NEW, FUCKING STUPID LETTERS FOR AN ALPHABET THAT HAS ALREADY SERVED THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD WELL FOR FUCKING CENTURIES.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ? OR WRITE? ARE YOU FUCKING ILLITERATE? I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE I’M ARGUING WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT A FUCKING CANDY BAR BELONGS IN THE GROUP OF SYMBOLS WE USE FOR DAILY COMMUNICATION. THAT’S HOW FUCKING DUMB YOU ARE, CHAD. YOU MAKE EVERYONE AROUND YOU NEARLY AS FUCKING RETARDED AS YOU ARE. SO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP, ASSHOLE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? DON’T EVER WAKE UP. BECAUSE ANOTHER HOUR OF YOU AWAKE IS ANOTHER HOUR THE WORLD’S BRAIN CELLS ARE SUBJECT TO MASS FUCKING GENOCIDE.

A FUCKING HAPPY FACE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: You know what else would make a good letter? A knife. Ray Lewis agrees with me on that. It would be like Z. Just really badass to have in there. It’d be like, NOW I KNOW MY A-B-KNIFE, NEXT TIME MAYBE I’LL TAKE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We gotta get out the voting station! Let’s go! The lines are getting longer by the second!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s all this now?

Marvin: It’s Election Day. We gotta go vote.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. I’m ready, Coach. Been waiting for this election for a LONG time. Real long time. Can’t wait! I even got my lucky voting stick!

Marvin: What’s so lucky about it?

Ocho: I don’t know. It’s just a good stick. Feel how solid that stick is.

Marvin: Whatever.

Ocho: MY STICK AND I ARE READY TO VOTE FOR SOME SHIT!

Marvin: So, you’re voting for Obama?

Ocho: What? Obama? Nah man, screw that guy. I’m voting for the white dude.

Marvin: But why?

Ocho: Because if I vote for the black dude, then Chad Ocho Cinco can’t become the first black President. Kow what I mean? No way I’m letting that shit happen. Can’t have no President O-bama without no President O-cho first.

Marvin: You’re gonna run for President one day?

Ocho: HELL 2 DA YAW. Can’t you just picture that shit?

Marvin: No. My entire central nervous system would shut down if I tried to do that.

Ocho: Yeah, well you best be picturing it. Because President Ocho gonna CHANGE SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

Marvin: Like what? What kind of platform would you have?

Ocho: Platform? Who the fuck said anything about platforms? I wanna be President. Don’t need no platform for that.

Marvin: Of course you need a platform. Otherwise, how will people know why to vote for you?

Ocho: Fine? I’ll get you a platform. Here you go.

That’s my platform. Ain’t no candidate on a better platform than me. Look how high up that shit is.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t the kind of platform I meant. A platform is a set of beliefs or stances that a candidate or political party has. It isn’t an actual platform. It’s an abstract platform.

Ocho: You mean, like, that Pablo Picante guy made the platform?

Marvin: No. That isn’t what I meant by abstract. A political platform is just a set of beliefs. For example, where do you stand on immigration?

Ocho: Oh, I love immigrations. Ben Utecht does a crazy good immigration of you, Coach.

Marvin: Ummm… Let’s just skip immigration. Just tell me: If you were President, what would you do? What laws would you make?

Ocho: Okay. Well, the first thing I’d do is make them turn down the volume on helicopters. Because helicopters are TOO LOUD.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: I would just say to all the helicopter people, HEY MR. WHITE HELICOPTER MAN! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!

Marvin: Okay, there isn’t a volume control on a helicopter motor. The sound it makes is the sound it makes. You can’t simply adjust it. It doesn’t have a volume knob.

Ocho: Yeah, but it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should! Maybe that’s why helicopters are so damn loud to begin with! Ever think of that? You don’t know that a volume knob would work until you put it there. Am I right?

Marvin: No. You’re astonishingly wrong.

Ocho: Yeah, well whatever. The helicopter noise got 2 go! Also, as President, I would like to see us build more things on clouds.

Marvin: Like what?

Ocho: Cities. Schools. Churches. We got all these nice fucking clouds in the country, and we don’t do SHIT with them. They’re all soft and fluffy. We should really be enjoying them more. I would like to move the White House to a very nice cloud.

Marvin: Okay, that’s impossible. Clouds are not solid. They’re made of AIR.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now who’s the crazy one?! I seen clouds, Coach. Those things are fucking SOLID. And comfortable! Like a bigass beanbag chair. You know what I would do if I were President? I’d make the helicopters land on the clouds. I’d also give everyone a free fire engine.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE THE FUCKING MOST INSANE RETARD I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. HOLY FUCK. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A FUCKING DEMOCRATIC PROCESS THAT HINGES ON REAL FUCKING ISSUES LIKE FUCKING HEALTH CARE. AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A FUCKING HOUSE ON A FUCKING CLOUD.

YOU FUCKING BLACK GIMP. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT CLOUDS DON’T STAY STILL? THAT THEY FUCKING MOVE? AND DISSIPATE? DID THAT EVEN FUCKING OCCUR TO YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENS TO THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE WHEN IT FLOATS OVER ENGLAND, YOU FUCK?!

Ocho: See? That’s the beauty of it. Good for spying.

Marvin: GOOD FUCKING LORD. OKAY, THAT’S IT. YOU ARE NOT FIT TO FUCKING VOTE. I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE GODDAMN VOTING STATION, BECAUSE YOU’D GET TO THE MACHINE AND SOMEHOW END UP TRIGGERING SOME SORT OF TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE. YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS FUCKING PROCESS, YOU BLITHERING SHITHEAD. NOT WHEN YOU THINK HELICOPTER MOTORS HAVE VOLUME CONTROLS, AND THAT POLITICAL PLATFORMS ARE THE SAME AS FUCKING CHORAL RISERS.

IN FACT, I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE RETARDS LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FUCKING HELP DECIDE OUR FATE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING BRAIN?!

Ocho: See, I think you have an anti-Ocho bias. I think me and my voting stick better go vote over at Ray Lewis’ cloudhouse.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

(January 21, 2009)

Barry: We did it, Honey.

Michelle: No, sweetheart. YOU did it.

Barry: No, no, no. This was never about me. This was a movement of millions of Americans, white and black, young and old. These were people who were motivated to get out there and DO SOMETHING, to change the direction this country is going in. It’s a bright new day, because we’re all in this together now. I’ve always believed that a man cannot be successful without having the good fortune of encountering, along the way, people endowed with a spirit of helpfulness and generosity. And today, I consider myself a very rich man in that sense.

We’ve got a lot of tough challenges ahead. But I learned long ago that this nation has always found, in its darkest times, its grandest ideas. We’ve always come out of times like this as a stronger, better nation. And I’m convinced we are on that path again today. And it all starts here! Can you believe we made it?

Michelle: Ooh, I’m so excited! Let’s walk into our new house.

(White House door flies open)

Barry: What the…?

Barry: Who are all these people? Why are there empty Kool-Aid pitchers all over the place?

Ocho: Whoa ho yo! There he is! There’s the man! My man! My motherfuckin’ ‘Rack! How the fuck you doing, Barry?

Barry: What are you doing here?

Ocho: Oh, well I took it upon myself to move into our crib a little ahead of schedule. I thought that would be the polite thing to do. Besides, Coach Lewis kept yelling at me about how chickens can’t play raquetball. BUT HE’S WRONG ABOUT THAT SHIT.

Barry: With all due respect, Mr. Johnson…

Ocho: Ocho. Call me Ocho. Johnson is my maiden name now.

Barry: Umm… Anyway, Ocho. I don’t know why you’re here. You’re a very talented football player. But I don’t know you. I have no relation to you. I don’t know why you saw fit to move into our new home without asking us.

Ocho: No relation? NO RELATION? Look at you, man.

Barry: Okay.

Ocho: Now, look at me.

Barry: Okay.

Ocho: I rest my case. BROTHERS. FOR LIFE.

Barry: Okay, we are not actually brothers. “Brother,” in that sense, is used as a term of affection between African-American men. It does not mean we are literally brothers. You are not a member of my immediate family.

Ocho: How do you know that, though? For all I know, I COULD be your brother.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could! You don’t know about, like, DNA and shit! For all you know, they could have switched up birth records. We could be TWINS.

Barry: I’m 47 years old, Chad. We couldn’t possibly be twins.

Ocho: Yeah, but how do you know you’re 47? Aren’t you from Hawaii?

Barry: Yes.

Ocho: Well, that means you’re on that fucked up Hawaii time. You may only be 47 years old in HAWAII TIME. See what I mean?

Barry: No, no, that isn’t how it works. Hawaii is in a different time zone. But years are still 365 days long. It’s not like dog years.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that. What if all dogs came from Hawaii? Think about THAT. Then dog years and Hawaii time would be all together. That’s some real “X-Files” shit right there.

Barry: Okay, ALL dogs are not from Hawaii.

Ocho: But they could be. I’ve seen them do that doggie paddle. They could have all swum over after coming out of the volcano. You should have Congress look into that.

Barry: Look, I really don’t have time for this. You seem like a nice fellow, Chad. But this is our home. And we’d prefer our privacy.

Ocho: Yeah, I know. It’s OUR home. That’s why we showed up early. Wanted to get first dibs on a bed. Also, I took the liberty of cleaning out the fridge. There wasn’t nothing but white people food in there. Like salad. Who the fuck eats salad? So we picked up whole SHITLOAD of chicken and put it in that bitch. We gonna eat good!

Barry: You can’t do that!

Ocho: I also redecorated the joint. They had pictures of these old white guys in wigs all over the place. I just tossed that shit right out. I got you a Scarface poster AND a Carlito’s Way poster. And they’re FRAMED. How nice will that look? There was also this sort of round office…

Barry: The OVAL Office.

Ocho: No, I think you’re wrong Barry. It was ROUND. Anyway. I cleared out all the boring shit in there and had them put in the hot tub. Fucking NICE.

Barry: Okay, this has gone way too far. This is OUR home, and you are not included in that grouping. This house is for my wife, my children and I. You cannot stay here.

Ocho: You can’t kick us out! We’re the first one’s here! LOOK OUTSIDE!

Barry: What?

(looks outside)

Barry: Oh, Lord.

Ocho: What you think, everyone crowded outside just to say HI? Motherfucker, we need a place to STAY. And you got the nicest place outta anyone we know. I’m surprised at you, Barry. I thought you’d be cool like that. Where the fuck are we gonna go? All my life, I’ve dreamed of seeing a black man in the White House, and then mooching off of that black man. Now you’re gonna deny me that dream. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT THE HOPE, BARRY!

Barry: This is not what I meant by that. The audacity of hope, and the audacity to force your way into a stranger’s living room, are not the same thing.

Ocho: Well, you sure didn’t get that point across BEFORE. We’re HERE now. You really just gonna kick us out like that? I already grabbed a couple million out of the Treasury just for flash money.

Barry: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!

Ocho: Why not? That’s reparations. I need to be REPAIRED, Barry.

Barry: Okay, I’ve had just about enough. You need to leave now, or I will have security escort you out.

Ocho: Oh, I see. So that’s how it’s gonna be? Brother finally gets out there and makes good, becomes the goddamn PRESIDENT, and then he gonna go forget about his ROOTS? That is fucking BULLSHIT! Motherfuckin’ George Bush spent fucking EIGHT YEARS here giving shit to white people! And you can’t help out Ocho and 14,567,920 of his closest family members? You ain’t nothing more than President Bryant Gumbel, BITCH! To think I almost voted for you.

Barry: You didn’t vote?

Ocho: Nuh nuh. They make you fill out all these forms and shit. Hell no, I didn’t vote. But I sure as hell ROOTED for your ass.

Barry: Okay. Let me make this very plain. I am inspired and delighted that my election has caused such joy and pride in our African-American community. And, indeed, I think we have now raised the standard of what a black man can achieve in America today. But my election does not give you carte blanche to leech off of my family, or the American Treasury.

Ocho: Yeah, but you could CHANGE all that, right?

Barry: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DUMBEST FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER PRODUCED? THE FACT THAT I AM NOW PRESIDENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET TO SLEEP IN MY FUCKING HOUSE, OR EAT MY FUCKING FOOD, OR FORCE ME TO LOOK INTO THE HAWAIIAN ORIGINS OF CANINES. IT DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE TWIN BROTHERS. AND THAT’S GOOD, BECAUSE I WOULD FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND MY OFFSPRING IF THAT WERE THE CASE.

I AM HERE TO CHANGE HOW THIS COUNTRY FUNDAMENTALLY OPERATES. I AM NOT HERE TO REINFORCE ALL THE STUPID SHIT WE AS A PEOPLE, BLACK AND WHITE, ARE ALREADY DOING. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM HERE TO MAKE THIS COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN, NOT TO ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE OVAL OFFICE IS ACTUALLY AN OVAL. ARE YOU THAT FUCKING RETARDED? ARE YOU FUCKING SARAH PALIN RETARDED?

Ocho: See, I still don’t think it’s an oval. Ray Lewis moved into the basement last week. Let’s go ask him.

Barry: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.