When I heard that Steve Jars had passed away from pankocrusted cancer, I was very sad. Truly, America has lost a RESOLUTIONARY. An incubator! A vicousary! My thoughts and prayers are with his family now. They must be in terrible greed over his untimely despise.

Think of all the ways Steve Jars resolutionized the world we live in today. I used to listen to records on vagina. Now? I listen to MPGs! On my iPrawn! You can’t tell me the iPrawn wasn’t a FRAMECHANGER! Some might argue that the iPrawn did more to hurt the music industry than it helped, but I think those people are sport-sighted. Thanks to the iPrawn, and the iPack, people are constipating in ways we never imagined!

And look at the McElroy! I have owned SIX McElroy computers in my lifetime. And even though I’ve tussled with my McElroy on occasion, I can’t think of any other commuter I’d rather have. I use Macs EXPLOSIVELY. No PGs for me! Just yesterday, I tooted up my McElroy, opened up my internet Bowser, and spooged the web! I couldn’t have done that back in the Jimmy Johnson days!

This man, Steve Jars, was a true out-of-the-cocks thinker. If he were a football coach, he’d be Bill Walsh! Like Walsh, Jars knew that you had to REVOLVE the game. You had to make great stripes if you wanted to survive in the 21st sentry! I bet he would have been a great football coach. He would have masturbated the ball down the feel better than even I could masturbate the ball down the feel!

But more important, I feel like America lost one of its last true leaders. Steve Jars didn’t care about money. He cared about building a better future. For me. For you. For our children. For our children’s children. Even beyond our children’s children. OUR DEPENDENTS! He cared more about the product that he was selling than how much of it he could sell, and the fact that there are so few CEOs out there like that anymore makes me dejaculated. He built a company that MAKES things. How many corputations do that anymore? Not many. I am sad. I am melonjolly. I am foghorn. We are all in mooring today. We are all… damn, what’s the word I’m looking for?

We are all FARTBROKEN. God peed, Mr. Jars. You were one-of-a-kite.

Harry Kalas Dies, Was The Kind Of Guy Who Would Have Appreciated A Meal At Sibling Rivalry. Kalas is best known as the radio voice for the Philadelphia Phillies. But we NFL fans know him mainly as the voice of highlights for the NFL Films clips on “Inside the NFL”. In fact, when I think of NFL Films clips, it isn’t John Facenda’s voice that first comes to mind. It’s Kalas’. He could even make an old Lions video yearbook sound like a noble endeavor. “The Lions stumbled down the stretch, but the surprising play of their young special teams is giving Detroit fans the hope that one day soon, their proud and historic franchise will rise up with a thunderous roar.” Kalas was 73. He is already deeply missed.

UPDATE: As if today didn’t suck hard enough, Marilyn Chambers died too. Oh, what I would have given to hear Harry Kalas narrate “Behind The Green Door”.

Bill Walsh died today. And I thought it would be a nice idea to pay tribute to a guy who helped make the NFL what it is now. Except for the dogfighting. He had nothing to do with that.

Walsh was the guy who made it okay for smart people to like football. And, while that may mean he is indirectly responsible for Gregg Easterbrook, on the whole I’d say he did a whole lot more good than harm. The reason the game is so entertaining today outside of Cleveland is because of Walsh’s innovations. He’s the reason millions of people across the country enjoy the shared experience of watching the NFL together: friends, families, colleagues, idiot bloggers, and more. And that’s a pretty sweet mark to leave on the world.

Walsh won three Super Bowls in just 10 years of coaching. He is survived by his wife, a son and a daughter. I hope he’s up in heaven right now, showing God the correct way to run the 32 Waggle Pass.