True Raiders fans know that every coach since Tom Flores has been a pathetic underachiever (especially Jon Gruden, fuck him). But some current Raiders are treating this weekend’s game against San Diego like it’s old home week.

Nostalgia simply for the sake of nostalgia is the bane of my existence. Those Metal Skool retards are a prime example. Shit gets relegated to the dustbin of pop culture for a reason. There’s no such thing as enjoying it ironically, dicksmack, you just have shitty taste.

Not sharing this opinion is Oakland wide receiver Jerry Porter, who, I shit you not, was waxing sentimental ahead of this weekend’s game against the Chargers. Jerry, you see, unlike the Raiders fans who haven’t been able to suppress the horrible memories of the past four seasons, is fond of the Norv Turner era in Oakland.

“My dog Norv? Gotta love my dog Norv.” – Jerry Porter

Let’s put it this way, if Norv were my dog, I’d be making a trip to the pound (or Surry County, VA). But if Norv really was a well-known dog, which one would he be? Let’s find out.

Marmaduke

While we wouldn’t be surprised to hear about some frottage in Norv’s cottage, this seems like a bad comparison. Marm always gets what he wants– milquetoast Norv, not so much. Incidentally, my late grandfather loved him some Marmaduke. But for some reason, he lived under the impression that his name was “Mandrake.”

Mister Peabody

Are you fuggin’ kidding me? Peabody invented the coddam WABAC machine. Norv can’t even figure out a way to stop the zone blitz.

The Junkyard Dog

JYD knew how to handle ‘roided up freaks like Hercules Hernandez and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Norv on the other hand is still struggling with Shawne Merriman.

Droopy Dawg

Okay, I think we are getting closer. Still, Droopy’s sad-sack demeanor is somewhat endearing and garners him some sympathy. Norv’s sorry-ass coaching record only elicits scorn and canine-related mockery.

Sandy from Little Orphan Annie

Ding, ding! I think we have a winner….

Assistant coach (speaking to Norv through headset): “Okay coach, we’re down by nine with five and a half minutes. We have all three timeouts. It’s fourth and one on our own 46. Do we want to punt or go for it?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: Excuse me?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: What the fuck do you mean, ‘arf’? We are trying to win a fuckin’ game and all you can say is ‘arf’???

Norv: Arf!

Asst (sighs): We’re boned.

Five Fast Facts About the Raiders:

-JaMarcus Russell’s mother is insisting that if he’s gonna stay at her house during his contract dispute, he better change outta that one all-black suit he’s been wearing since April.

-It was speculated that Lane Kiffin, who at 32 is the league’s youngest coach, released center and long-snapper Adam Treu because Kiffin doesn’t want anyone on the roster to be close to his age or older. Owner Al Davis decided this was sound policy, fired no one ever again.

-Dominic Rhodes is only now beginning to realize why Edgerrin James kept sending him repeated “nnnooooo don’t tk bg monee from shitty tms w/ no linez” texts during the off-season.

-The Raiders are still the only AFC team this decade to lose a Super Bowl. In other news, the Raiders went to a Super Bowl this decade? Really? No foolin’?

-Despite fielding a team with Warren Sapp and JaMarcus Russell, it’s Mike Williams’ weight problem that is troubling the Raiders.

Projected 2007 Record:
5-11

Actual 2007 Record:
0-13-3 (Defense pitches three shutouts. Offense doesn’t score all season.)

Since going to that aforementioned Super Bowl in the 2002 season, the Raiders are 15-49 during their last four seasons, representing the worst stretch in franchise history. And there is little indication that things are on the upswing. Sure, the defense is stout, but not good enough to win games on its own.

Their head coach is younger than two of our writers and about a half dozen of his own players. They possess no proven reliable receivers and the running back they signed in the offseason is probably their best blocker.

And they’re in Oakland.

Of course, this is the part where I segue to some auspicious moment heralding the coming uplift. A breaking of the clouds that lights the way to a new day, where wins pile high and Daunte Culpepper is nowhere to be found. And the thing to usher in that new day is…

…

…

is…

…

well, Michael Bush could be okay.

Probably the only thing better in life than watching two teams in pads try to beat the shit out of each other is watching two guys without pads try and do the same. I don’t know what it is about football that gets people’s pugilistic passions pumping. Maybe the alcohol? Yeah. Probably the alcohol.

The Undercard.

Dude in Chargers jersey (hey–throwbacks!) takes issue with the congregation’s assessment that the San Diego Zoo is no longer America’s Favorite Zoo. Tempers flare. Beer is not dropped.

The Main Event.

You can catch the preamble to this little skirmish in some other clips, but this is where it all comes to a head. It’s like COPS, but without the cops.

Do we still have time to get an NFL team in LA for 2007?