To the surprise of no one, the Raiders were triumphant in their Super Bowl XV rematch against the Philadelphia yesterday. What was surprising was the Raiders twelfth man on special teams. WOOOO RAIDERS! SUCK IT, IGGLES! Look at that bird go. SUCK IT! WOOOOO! I wonder if it can play quarterback too? S & B BABY! SUCK IT, PHILLY! WOO-WOO!!!

[ via SbB ]

JaMarcus Russell: Thanks for bringing me out, cart guy.

Cart driver: It’s my job, JaMarcus.

JaMarcus Russell: Could you bring me over to the part of the sideline where the coach ain’t at? He gonna be all up on my ass for missing practice Tuesday. Then again Wednesday. I got my sleep on all day Thursday, so I don’t know whether we had practice. Fridays are for Chinese buffet, so it don’t matter to me whether there was practice or not.

Cart driver: Okay.

JaMarcus Russell: One more thing: when we get the ball and you driving me to the huddle, can you honk the horn once or twice? I think it fires the team up.

Cart driver: Will do.

JaMarcus Russell: Aw shhh – you know what? I gotta piss, dude. Take me back to the locker room.

Cart driver: Can’t. Game’s about to start.

JaMarcus Russell: Pffff, all right, fine. I’ll just do it the pants. These are kinda thick anyway.

[Later]

Elvis Dumervil: YO! WAKE UP! I AIN’T WAVIN’ AT YOU, YOU FAT BITCH! I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU UP!

JaMarcus Russell: Nah, that’s all right. I’m cool. Say, when you walking back over to your huddle, can you tell the center to just drop the ball on my chest? I’ll throw it from down here.

Elvis Dumervil: Man, I ain’t telling him nothing. About to sack your ass again.

JaMarcus Russell: Dick.

[Later]

JaMarcus Russell: Yo, Bruce Gradkowski – how you deal with this blinking thing?

Bruce Gradkowski: What do you mean?

JaMarcus Russell: It takes so much out of me.

Bruce Gradkowski: Blinking? Isn’t that usually an involuntary motion your body does for you?

JaMarcus Russell: Not me, man. I feel it. I feel it all the time. Wears me down like I can’t even tell you. Like, I wish we had eyebrow robots that would push them joints down for you, then back up, automatic-like. But we don’t. Science sucks. You know what? I don’t even need to do it. Eff blinking. What’s the benefit? Total waste, you ask me.

[JaMarcus' eyes fill up with dust]

JaMarcus Russell: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES!

Bruce Gradkowski: I’ll call the cart guy over.

Tom is excused from the sixth rule of Fight Club.

Fresh off his knockout victory over defensive assistant coach Randy Hanson, head coach Tom Cable is eager to make the next step up the coachfight contender ladder. But that doesn’t mean Cable is about to let success go to his head. “Sure, a decisive victory is always great, “ he said, “but I can’t get cocky—this guy [Hanson] is just a low-level assistant; not even a position coach.”

The beefy Cable has been coachfighting for decades, but it wasn’t until he blind-sided the much smaller Hanson that he made a national name for himself. “Like a lot of other coaches, I started out in the underground fights– bare-knuckle brawls in abandoned warehouses against over-the-hill high school coaches.  Winner take all.  In most cases ‘all’ was a can corned beef hash.”

Cable acknowledged that his fight against Hanson was outside typical coachfight protocol where intra-contests fights are typically disfavored.  “What could I do,” Cable asked, his eyes dancing mischievously, “We’re the shitty Raiders.  We can’t beat anyone else.”

But Cable’s days of toiling in obscurity over. “I’m training for my next fight,” Cable said while taking a break from the speedbag to cram a Hostess Ho-Ho® in to his gullet, “It’s against a well known tight ends coach. If I can win that one, then I should be in a line for a title fight against an honest-to-gosh offensive coordinator.”

Despite his meteoric rise, Cable is careful to keep his success in perspective. “Look, I may never be good enough to beat Tom Coughlin—that wiry son-of-a-bitch is the best for a reason.  But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I know I can knock Rex Ryan’s fat ass out.”

He doesn’t mow that field.  He cuts the grass. (Sometimes they let him paint the lines!)
He runs the hell out of a concession stand. He knows right way to top off a Pepsi so it doesn’t foam over the edge of the cup.
Every summer he helps the marching band raise money by eating their funnel cakes at the fair.
He spends his nights in a shed behind the field.
He “volunteers” at the weekly fish fry at the VFW post, but really he’s in it for the fry-batter.
He used to own a hound dog.  Used to…
The most expensive beer he drinks is Budweiser.
He did not purchase those shorts — he found them.
Though he has no children, he’s an avid supporter of the high school football team.
“You kids know about meth? I’ll tell ya about meth.”

My homerism for Nnamdi Asomugha is well-documented. But now that he has allowed the Raiders to sign him to the richest contract in football, it has bloomed to an all-out mancrush. Why shouldn’t Asomugha make boatloads of scrilla? No one is the game does their job as well as Asomugha does his. A man of his stature commands a salary substantially more than that of Chump Bailey.

The Raiders also re-signed the NFL’s top punter Shane Lechler to boot (heh heh, boot, get it?). Some thought that the Raider would not be able to keep both the NFL’s best corner and best punter, but they proved otherwise. Maybe Al Davis finally realized that he if is going to overpay somebody it should be good players like Asomugha and Lechler instead of wretched bums like DeAngelo Hall and Javon Walker.

With these huge signings, is Oakland really the purgatory that it has been made out to be the past few years? Probably, but it goes to show what some people will tolerate for Scrooge McDuck money.

Some of you might be saying to yourselves, “No freakin’ way, the Raiders suck out loud, plus they lost last week.” If you are of that school of thought, I kindly invite you to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. I’m tired of waiting for the Raiders to stop being inept before I give this award.

It’s hard not to pity Asomugha. He’s the best at what he does, yet he toils in the midst of the Oakland Raider shitshow. In his honor, the KSK gang sought out to recognize other superstars who are surrounded by talentless jackanapes. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Isolated beacon of talent ——————————- Crap factory they are/were stuck with

Alec Baldwin ———————————————————————— Baldwin bros.
Cris Collinsworth ————— other 37 assclowns in NBC’s “Football Night in America” studio
Andy Samberg —————————————————————- Saturday Night Live
The Nuge ————————————————————————- Damn Yankees
Honey Nut Cheerios ————————————– All the other varieties of Cheerios
Chris Walken ———————————————————————— Suicide Kings
Jack White ————————————————————————- White Stripes
Big Daddy Drew —————————————————————————— KSK
Colin Powell ——————————————————————- Bush administration
Jeremy Piven ——————————————————————– “Entourage” cast

A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:

-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”

-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.

-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.

-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.

-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5

Verdict: PUSH

Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:

-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.

-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.

-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”

-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”

-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: OVER

It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.

DENVER BRONCOS

You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?

- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.

- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.

- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”

- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.

- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: OVER

Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Five relatively quick morsels of information:

- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.

- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.

- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.

- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.

- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6

Verdict: PUSH

JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.

Javon Walker has really changed his ways after witnessing up-close the murder of friend and teammate Darrent Williams on New Year’s Day 2007. Nah, just yanking yer chain– the champagne-spraying waste of money was found unconscious at a Las Vegas intersection. Details, like Walker, are sketchy, but doctors say he suffered an orbital fracture. They also said you could actually see cartoon stars and cuckoo birds doing the rumba around Walker’s battered head.

The Raiders spent the equivalent of the gross domestic product of Uruguay on Walker. Since then, Walker has done his best to to avoid undue attention. A day before getting KTFO by an unknown assailant, a demure Walker was seen modestly spraying 15 bottles of champagne on Tryst patrons. A regular shrinking violet, this guy.

Die-hard Raiders fans can look forward to another season of frustration. And meth, lots of meth.

The rings, designed with input from the players, are worth an estimated $25,000 each. Said Eurydice Kleinschmidt, Special Project Coordinator for Tiffany’s, “This isn’t just a Super Bowl victory, it’s a New York Super Bowl victory. Everything has got to be bigger, brighter more exciting.” Davis scored the Dinty Moore for $7.99 per case. Floor Manager Gregg Sekelski of the Fremont Costco explained, “A few cases of the Dinty Moore fell off the forklift today. Some of the cans were dented, so we thought we’d have to throw them away. Fortunately this creepy old guy in old lady’s glasses bought them right up.”

“Winning a championship is great and all. But once you put that ring on your finger, it’s a whole other story,” gushed linebacker Kawika Mitchell. Davis was equally enthusiastic about his prize, “Stew keeps the boys from gettin’ the consumption or hip gout. Silly cabin haystack carburetor.”

Kevin Hench’s woefully anecdotal-dependent take on NFL fan behavior has sparked renewed interest in this YouTube clip which purports to show a Raiders fan stabbing a Chargers fan during a drunken stadium brawl. As KSK’s resident self-loathing masochist Raiders fan, I feel compelled to defend the S&B faithful on this issue.

I can see how at first blush one could conceivably jump to the conclusion that something felonious is afoot. But what a casual observer might mistake for bleary, blood-shot eyes is actually the learned gaze of a seasoned medical professional. Admittedly he possesses an unorthodox bedside manner, but check out the deft touch as he artfully removes the vestigial appendage in mere seconds.

Fare thee well, Chargers fan. You and your satin jacket will live to see another playoff flameout, thanks to the knowing hands of his modern-day Albert Schweitzer.