Thursday night football, everyone’s favorite late-season tradition that is only available to that percentage of the nation that gets NFL Network, returns with a classic AFC West turnover fest. Carson Palmer has thrown three interceptions in each of his two appearances since inspiring the Raiders to mortgage their future in a way that shouldn’t be allowed post-Wall Street bailouts. Meanwhile, current NFL interception leader Marmalard floated two pick-sixes to the Packers a week after his “worst day ever” Romo-esque fumble in a Monday night loss to the Chiefs. That should be sufficient to get you to ignore “Community”, “Parks & Rec” and “Always Sunny”, right?

The most glaring weakness of the Thursday night games, of course, had been the disastrous NFL Network announcing team of Joe Theismann, Matt Millen and Bob Papa, who were mercifully and gloriously dispatched in the off-season. Now we get Brad Nessler and Mike Mayock, who are respectable replacements. Even if sitting through Mayock pronouncing Philip Rivertttthhhhhhhhhh for three hours is likely to wear on the ears.

“Let’s live blog two.” – Some baseball asshole

Presenting the regular season debut of Ocho with the Pats. The first appearance of the tired husk of Larry Johnson with Miami. Mostly likely Reggie Bush’s first five fumbles with the Dolphins.

Oh yeah, and there’s a late game. Maybe if six Broncos quarterbacks get hurt, maybe Tebow will play.

This video isn’t quite as embarrassing as Crying Giants Fan on account of its subject being a kid, but it is noteworthy for the mom continuing to film her little pussboy for a full minute while he cries himself to the point of dry heaving. Then she went and loaded the video onto YouTube, presumably to hasten the boy’s realization that he won’t be getting laid until he can pay for it. Condemn her if you want, but it’s a canny way to encourage your kid to learn the value of work at an early age.

[via Buzzfeed]

DENVER BRONCOS

Not pictured: replica bris.

Key Additions: Tim Tebow, LenDale White, Jamal Williams, Jarvis Green, Justin Bannan, Brandon Lloyd

Key Departures: Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Casey Wiegmann, Tyler Polumbus, Peyton Hillis

Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:

- Elvis Dumervil suffered a pectoral tear that will end his season. That’s what I call being… the wrong kind of ripped. YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!
- Ryan Clady returned to practice last week after shredding his knee playing pick-up basketball earlier in the offseason. He refused to give it to Bernard Pollard, who considers shredded knee a very tasty morning pick-me-up.
- Broncos bloggers will enjoy an entire season live blogging Tim Tebow interceptions using this handy crucifix power strip. That may be a few extra holes than the standard stigmata, however.

- To prepare for his role taking over for Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal has spent his time mostly not pummeling women. You would think with the examples put forth by Marshall, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes, that he would know better. Just can’t teach some kids.
- Josh McDaniels had to find a way to get former Patriots victory cigar Kyle Eckel on the roster. Because when you’re about to win four games, you had better enjoy them.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Who likes Jabar Gaffney as a starting receiver!? Someone who ran the ’06 Patriots offense, apparently. So, the Broncos got off to a 6-1 start last season, mostly on the strength of their defense and Kyle Orton playing mostly error-free behind center. Then, of course, they underwent the annual Denver implosion, got rid of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan and drafted Tim Tebow in the first round. They gave a huge contract to Dumervil, who will now miss the entire season. Everyone expected them to immediately flame out after the Cutler mess last year. Instead, they had seven weeks of respectability. Not so much this time.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

The always Rascally Charlie Weis, everyone.

“Not so fast, Homer. I think I can order our Tab from this sheet.”

Key Additions: Thomas Jones, Eric Berry, Ryan Lilja, Casey Wiegmann, Jerheme Urban, Brady Quinn puncher Shaun Smith

Key Departures: Kolby Smith, Bobby Wade

Five Fast Facts About The Chiefs:

- The Chiefs have Charlies Weis as their offensive coordinator and Romeo Crennel running the defense. That’s like installing the ashtray and the cigarette lighter from a Maybach into your Pinto.
- Dwayne Bowe caused a stir a few months back by admitting that players set up parties with groupies in hotel rooms using Facebook. A few weeks later, he referred to Matt Cassel as his girlfriend. Kudos, Matt, on withholding sex until he publicly acknowledged your relationship.
- Chris Chambers’ stalker wife has yet to understand that she no longer has to sleep in his bushes. And yes, you may also take that to mean that I think Chris Chambers has a vagina.
- Cornerback Brandon Flowers shares a name with the lead singer of The Killers. Expect Peter King to come to this realization when he pronounces the band The Hot New Act To Watch In 2013.
- Whatever, Ryan Succop. You don’t have to agree with Todd Haley all the time.

Over/Under For 2010: 6.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Struggled with this one a little bit, but I like a lot of the moves Kansas City made in the offseason. Jamaal Charles looks primed for a big year after finishing strong in 2009 and Eric Berry should have an impact on the defense even as a rookie. 7-9 or maybe even 8-8 seems realistic in a fairly weak division, especially with the Chargers likely to decline some.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Jason Campbell has his strengths, but his ping pong ball trick is littered with errors.

Key Additions: Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, Kyle Boller, John Henderson, Quentin Groves, Kamerion Wimbley

Key Departures: JaMarcus Russell, Kirk Morrison, Justin Fargas, Gerald Warren, Greg Ellis

Five Fast Facts About The Raiders:

- Tom Cable punching jokes have gotten a little tired. So it will be somewhat bittersweet when he violently murders his family with his bare hands.
- Chaz Schilens’ best friend: Larry Dracmas.
- In June, Nnamdi Asomugha received The Jefferson Award, which is essentially The Nobel Prize for public service. No wonder the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade the guy.
- To classify Darrius Heyward-Bey as a bust seems unfair, as busts tend to have better hands.
- Richard Seymour recently claimed that the Raiders are as talented as any team in football. Pretty sure I don’t even need a punchline after that.

Over/Under For 2010: 6 wins

Verdict: OVER

While the Raiders finished 5-11 last season, four of their victories were against teams with a record of .500 or better. Having been held by purple drank connoisseur JaMarcus Russell for the last several years, it’s been presumed that the Raiders could be a capable team with a not-awful quarterback. Considering not-awful seems like the most apt description of Jason Campbell that I can come up with, it seems as though they have found their guy. Not all that leaves is an offensive line and receivers. Oakland is a pretty trendy surprise playoff pick this year, though I think that’s a bit of a reach. Though I will say they most likely won’t lose 10 games again. Woooo! S&B is back, baby!

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

“Well whoop-di-fuggin-do, you splotchy faced cocksnot, you got yourself a ring and gave hope to some drowned people. I STILL GOT YOUR JOB AND SAVED THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM FORNICATORS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I WIN!”

Key Additions: Ryan Mathews, Josh Reed, Nathan Vasher, Randy Michael

Key Departures: LaDainian Tomlinson, Jamal Williams, Brandon Manumaleuna, Antonio Cromartie, Tim Dobbins

Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:

- Malcom Floyd has been targeted with 89 Rivers’ insults so far this preseason and has caught every single one. Very impressive stuff.
- Remember, Nate Kaeding: if you blow one more postseason game, the Chargers might begin to consider maybe thinking about releasing you. That goes 50 percent for you, Norv.
- Who would’ve guessed that one year after their run-in that Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila would essentially have the same amount of talent?
- Luis Castillo is quite possibly the gringo-est Hispanic since Jessica Alba.
- Did you know that Antwan Applewhite has all the warp levels from Super Mario 3 tattooed on his leg? You would if you believed the nerdiest Wikipedia hack I ever made.

Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I’m still not entirely sure how the Chargers won 13 games last season. And that was when they didn’t have Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson threatening to hold out for the entire season. Not sure if Ryan Mathews will live up to the fantasy hype, but he should at least be an immediate improvement over LaToeinjury for San Diego’s running game. Marmalard is good enough to survive with Malcom Floyd and Legadu Naanee as his two wideouts, but the team is losing too much talent to be considered among the best in the conference.

The above Photoshop comes from our intermittent but terrifying mouth-eyes meme, and it owes at least some inspiration from the Corinthian, the most memorable nightmare from Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series.

While the headline image is of my own creation, many KSK readers responded to our call for JaMarcus Photoshops in Monday’s post, and I’m proud to share the best of the submissions below. Thanks to all who took the time to take part in the fun.

(Douglas D.)

(Dan G.)

(Zoo with Roy)

(Tim S.)

(Samantha L.)

(Samantha L.)

(Wook)

(Pamela H.)

(Ed)

(John S.)

(John S.)

(Stinky Pete)

(our own Christmas Ape)

(Ken B.)

The Raiders released JaMarcus Russell late last week, giving up on the 2007 #1 overall pick after only three years and $39 million, or about $100,000 per completion. (“How’d you manage to do it so quickly?” asked Alex Smith.) So now, the man his teammates called “Jambone” (from the French for “ham”) is now looking for work — presumably in the refrigerator. That’s a burn, fattie.

But honestly, at KSK, we have nothing but love for the talented signal caller. Yes, he IS talented. At wheezing and staying still. That’s why we’ve collected some of his greatest moments in the following image gallery:

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Wanna get in on the Photoshop fun? Use the linked PSD files below to make your own, and email us your creations.

jamarcus

jamarcus-lying-down

I have more pet peeves than I could ever possibly catalog, but one of the things that bloggers do that I hate most is write “Insert joke here” or “The jokes write themselves” instead of actually writing a joke. It’s like announcing to your audience that you recognize comedic potential in a story but you don’t have the time or the brain power to sit down and come up with a joke.

That’s the story today, when Pro Football Talk reported on the first-ever Raidercruise — which leaves from L.A. on May 2nd, with three scheduled stops in Mexico — with the lede “Some of the best jokes write themselves.” Well, actually, no. The jokes don’t write themselves. They magically appear online in popular dick humor forums. Join us for a Raidercruise jokekkake, won’t you?

Even the Oakland Raiders cruise knows better than to stop in Oakland.

Guests will have the opportunity to ride in extremely fast speedboats that aren’t seaworthy.

The cruise isn’t much, but it has the most expensive napkins and deck towels of any team-based cruise going.

RAIDER MILT SAY YOU A FAGGOT IF YOU DON’T USE THE CLIMBING WALL!

Guests on the cruise are hoping to be rescued by Somali pirates.

Blah! Be sure to stop by ze ship’s mandatory blood donation center! Blah! Blah!

The formal dinner on Saturday is black jersey and silver facepaint only.

“I’m Julie, your entertainment director, and GAHHHH WHY IS TOM CABLE PUNCHING ME??!!!!!?!?!!”

Grouper returns a Jamarcus Russell thrown life preserver 67 yards for a touchdown.

The food is great if you break into JaMarcus’ room.

Bruce Gradkowski will politely laugh at your Polish submarine jokes upon request.

Louis Murphy and Johnny Lee Higgins forced to play classic rock each evening solely because of their names.

Nnamdi Asomugha will cater to one passenger really well.

Al Davis is expected to trade for Philip Rivers to keep the cruise ship floating for years to come.

As a favor to Justin Fargas, Huggy Bear gets his first gig in twenty years.

Bartender Sebastian Janikowski’s specialties: roofie gin & tonic, roofie margarita, roofie Tom Collins, roofie Old Fashioned, roofie Long Island…

At least one person will die, much like every other cruise you’ve ever been on.

First mate leaves cruise before ship is out of port to take job at Cal.

Guaranteed whale watching, or Janikowski gets pushed overboard.

Robert Gallery will be used as chum to attract sharks for your enjoyment.

Watch a Mike Shanahan look-alike walk the plank every hour on the tens.

Richard Seymour will join the cruise shortly after it begins, but don’t expect him to do anything.

Al Davis is paying Carnival $80 million over the next three years for one of their decommissioned ships.

Zach Miller’s sole responsibility is to keep Jim Fassel from stowing away.

“Sure, we could try to go around that iceberg, but that’s what it expects.  We’re going through it!!!” – Capt. Cable

Scenic ports of call: Tripoli, Port-au-Prince, Lagos.

Guests welcome to play football on the ship’s baseball diamond.

Just in case he ever does get around to firing his current coach, Raiders owner Al Davis is busy assembling a list of potential successors. The interviews have already begun (I like to think that he makes Tom Cable watch), and the names are sure to bowl you over.

Two people on his interview list have been identified as former Giants coach Jim Fassel, who now coaches UFL champion Las Vegas, and former Raiders offensive coordinator Marc Trestman, the head coach of CFL champion Montreal.

Several sources, including one within the organization, believe Davis may re-interview 2009 candidates Kevin Gilbride, the Giants’ offensive coordinator, and Winston Moss, a Packers assistant head coach, if he hasn’t already.

Of course that’s just the beginning. Continue after the jump for the FULL list.

Martha Coakley
Conan O’Brien
John Shoop
Gary Crowton
Sherman Lewis
Sherman Smith
Sherman Helmsley
Bum Phillips
Panama Lewis
Lane Kiffin
Vlad the Impaler
Amy Trask
The late George Michael
Marty Schottenheimer
Gilbert Arenas
Tiger Woods
Centenarian former Pinkerton agent
Tom Cable in a wig and dress
Jim Zorn
George Allen
Fidel Castro
Buck Showalter
Jeff Van Gundy
Butch Harmon
Paula Abdul
Dick Ebersol
Chan Gailey (Fuck tampering!)
Eliot Spitzer
Cam Cameron
Buddy Ryan
Rob Ryan
Ryan Seacrest
Bubb Rubb
Mike Shanahan’s non-union Mexican equivalent.
Raider Milt
Tila Tequila
JaMarcus Russell
Jeff Dunham (racist puppets as assistant coaches)
TBL
Bill Simmons
Foge Fazio
Rex Ryan
Nolan Ryan
Meg Ryan
Ryan Adams
Canteen Boy
Harmony Korine
Pam Ward
Tracy McGrady
Ron Fucking Swanson
Leslie Frazier
Joe Frazier
Walt Frazier
Tommie Frazier
Frasier Crane
Art Shell
Omar Minaya
Roger Ebert
Manny Pacquiao
Tom Walsh
Bobby Finstock
John Goodman as Coach Harris
John Madden
Matt Millen
The Situation
Buckethead
“The Coach” Jonathan Coachman
Douglas “Swish” Reemer
Frank Sinatra Jr.
Rusty Shackleford
Cousin Darwish

The list might look a bit long, but remember, Count Al’s interviews only last about 90 seconds each.

So who is your pick to coach the Silver and Black?

A noted taskmaster, Davis would often punish clumsy receivers by having them stare
for hours on end at the quarterback’s enormous crotchbulge.

Dear Mister Al Davis,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I second-guessed your decision to fire Lane Kiffin in 2008. “Give the guy a chance. There have been signs of possible incremental improvement in the short term,” I bleated. But you held fast—there would be no more chances for Kiffin in Oakland. I sullenly chalked your decision up to the latest in a series of ill-conceived decisions made by a doddering dodecagenarian.

But after watching the mess that has unfolded in Knoxville over the past 24 hours, I am now convinced that Kiffin lacks the temperament, dedication or attention span necessary to be an NFL coach. Less than a year and a half after dazzling the orange-clad rubes with his “Big Talk” and “Comely Wife”, Kiffin is absconding to the Trojans. Only a conniving, wet-behind-the-ears welp would treat the simple mountain folk of the Smokies with such callous disregard.

For instance, would a competent coach allow his chief lieutenant to do this:

The doors burst open, and two graduate assistants on the football team, walking like the Bushwhackers from the old WWE wrestling days, arms gesticulating awkwardly in front of them, begin madly stomping about the room.

Coach Orgeron screams, “What’s the first thing you do before you get in a fight?”

No answer.

“You take your shirt off!” he screams.

Then Coach Orgeron rips off his shirt in front of the team.

The drumbeat is incessant, loud. Players stare at one another.

Coach Orgeron begins to lead the cheer.

“ST!” he screams.

“ST,” the team responds.

“Wild boys!” Orgeron screams.

“Wild boys,” the team responds.

Clearly you recognized Kiffin’s failings before anyone else and took the only sensible course of action. What I, and many others, mistook for the senile ramblings of a bitter old martinet was actually a stern, but well-intended warning delivered by a grandfatherly sage. If, perchance, you should encounter Kiffin, perhaps while strolling the grounds at the Raiders’ once (and future???) home at the Los Angeles Coliseum, I trust you will administer a clout from your walking stick across his duplicitous backside.

So here I am, hat in hand, humbly hoping this letter finds you in magnanimous spirits. I was trying to be a “Big Shot” and acted like a “Smarty Pants” Now I am chagrined. You were right, Mister Al Davis, and I was wrong. I am through saying foolish things on the internet. I will leave that to my betters. Please forgive me.

And then sell your interest in the Raiders, so they will stop sucking ass.

Yours truly,

flub

To the surprise of no one, the Raiders were triumphant in their Super Bowl XV rematch against the Philadelphia yesterday. What was surprising was the Raiders twelfth man on special teams. WOOOO RAIDERS! SUCK IT, IGGLES! Look at that bird go. SUCK IT! WOOOOO! I wonder if it can play quarterback too? S & B BABY! SUCK IT, PHILLY! WOO-WOO!!!

[ via SbB ]