KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:

-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”

-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.

-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.

-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.

-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5

Verdict: PUSH

Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:

-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.

-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.

-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”

-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”

-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: OVER

It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.

DENVER BRONCOS

You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?

- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.

- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.

- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”

- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.

- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: OVER

Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Five relatively quick morsels of information:

- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.

- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.

- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.

- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.

- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6

Verdict: PUSH

JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.

Javon Walker has really changed his ways after witnessing up-close the murder of friend and teammate Darrent Williams on New Year’s Day 2007. Nah, just yanking yer chain– the champagne-spraying waste of money was found unconscious at a Las Vegas intersection. Details, like Walker, are sketchy, but doctors say he suffered an orbital fracture. They also said you could actually see cartoon stars and cuckoo birds doing the rumba around Walker’s battered head.

The Raiders spent the equivalent of the gross domestic product of Uruguay on Walker. Since then, Walker has done his best to to avoid undue attention. A day before getting KTFO by an unknown assailant, a demure Walker was seen modestly spraying 15 bottles of champagne on Tryst patrons. A regular shrinking violet, this guy.

Die-hard Raiders fans can look forward to another season of frustration. And meth, lots of meth.

The New York Giants were awarded their Super Bowl Rings last night in a plush ceremony at Tiffany & Co. Meanwhile, a continent away, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis commemorated his teams’ 2007 campaign my handing out cans of Dinty Moore® Beef Stew. The ritzy Manhattan affair was marked by a regal blue carpet leading to the famed jeweler’s front door. While on the west coast, Raiders owner announced the stew giveaway via an index card thumb-tacked to the bulletin board at the OTAs.

The rings, designed with input from the players, are worth an estimated $25,000 each. Said Eurydice Kleinschmidt, Special Project Coordinator for Tiffany’s, “This isn’t just a Super Bowl victory, it’s a New York Super Bowl victory. Everything has got to be bigger, brighter more exciting.” Davis scored the Dinty Moore for $7.99 per case. Floor Manager Gregg Sekelski of the Fremont Costco explained, “A few cases of the Dinty Moore fell off the forklift today. Some of the cans were dented, so we thought we’d have to throw them away. Fortunately this creepy old guy in old lady’s glasses bought them right up.”

“Winning a championship is great and all. But once you put that ring on your finger, it’s a whole other story,” gushed linebacker Kawika Mitchell. Davis was equally enthusiastic about his prize, “Stew keeps the boys from gettin’ the consumption or hip gout. Silly cabin haystack carburetor.”

Kevin Hench’s woefully anecdotal-dependent take on NFL fan behavior has sparked renewed interest in this YouTube clip which purports to show a Raiders fan stabbing a Chargers fan during a drunken stadium brawl. As KSK’s resident self-loathing masochist Raiders fan, I feel compelled to defend the S&B faithful on this issue.

I can see how at first blush one could conceivably jump to the conclusion that something felonious is afoot. But what a casual observer might mistake for bleary, blood-shot eyes is actually the learned gaze of a seasoned medical professional. Admittedly he possesses an unorthodox bedside manner, but check out the deft touch as he artfully removes the vestigial appendage in mere seconds.

Fare thee well, Chargers fan. You and your satin jacket will live to see another playoff flameout, thanks to the knowing hands of his modern-day Albert Schweitzer.

True Raiders fans know that every coach since Tom Flores has been a pathetic underachiever (especially Jon Gruden, fuck him). But some current Raiders are treating this weekend’s game against San Diego like it’s old home week.

Nostalgia simply for the sake of nostalgia is the bane of my existence. Those Metal Skool retards are a prime example. Shit gets relegated to the dustbin of pop culture for a reason. There’s no such thing as enjoying it ironically, dicksmack, you just have shitty taste.

Not sharing this opinion is Oakland wide receiver Jerry Porter, who, I shit you not, was waxing sentimental ahead of this weekend’s game against the Chargers. Jerry, you see, unlike the Raiders fans who haven’t been able to suppress the horrible memories of the past four seasons, is fond of the Norv Turner era in Oakland.

“My dog Norv? Gotta love my dog Norv.” - Jerry Porter

Let’s put it this way, if Norv were my dog, I’d be making a trip to the pound (or Surry County, VA). But if Norv really was a well-known dog, which one would he be? Let’s find out.

Marmaduke

While we wouldn’t be surprised to hear about some frottage in Norv’s cottage, this seems like a bad comparison. Marm always gets what he wants– milquetoast Norv, not so much. Incidentally, my late grandfather loved him some Marmaduke. But for some reason, he lived under the impression that his name was “Mandrake.”

Mister Peabody

Are you fuggin’ kidding me? Peabody invented the coddam WABAC machine. Norv can’t even figure out a way to stop the zone blitz.

The Junkyard Dog

JYD knew how to handle ‘roided up freaks like Hercules Hernandez and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Norv on the other hand is still struggling with Shawne Merriman.

Droopy Dawg

Okay, I think we are getting closer. Still, Droopy’s sad-sack demeanor is somewhat endearing and garners him some sympathy. Norv’s sorry-ass coaching record only elicits scorn and canine-related mockery.

Sandy from Little Orphan Annie

Ding, ding! I think we have a winner….

Assistant coach (speaking to Norv through headset): “Okay coach, we’re down by nine with five and a half minutes. We have all three timeouts. It’s fourth and one on our own 46. Do we want to punt or go for it?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: Excuse me?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: What the fuck do you mean, ‘arf’? We are trying to win a fuckin’ game and all you can say is ‘arf’???

Norv: Arf!

Asst (sighs): We’re boned.

Five Fast Facts About the Raiders:

-JaMarcus Russell’s mother is insisting that if he’s gonna stay at her house during his contract dispute, he better change outta that one all-black suit he’s been wearing since April.

-It was speculated that Lane Kiffin, who at 32 is the league’s youngest coach, released center and long-snapper Adam Treu because Kiffin doesn’t want anyone on the roster to be close to his age or older. Owner Al Davis decided this was sound policy, fired no one ever again.

-Dominic Rhodes is only now beginning to realize why Edgerrin James kept sending him repeated “nnnooooo don’t tk bg monee from shitty tms w/ no linez” texts during the off-season.

-The Raiders are still the only AFC team this decade to lose a Super Bowl. In other news, the Raiders went to a Super Bowl this decade? Really? No foolin’?

-Despite fielding a team with Warren Sapp and JaMarcus Russell, it’s Mike Williams’ weight problem that is troubling the Raiders.

Projected 2007 Record:
5-11

Actual 2007 Record:
0-13-3 (Defense pitches three shutouts. Offense doesn’t score all season.)

Since going to that aforementioned Super Bowl in the 2002 season, the Raiders are 15-49 during their last four seasons, representing the worst stretch in franchise history. And there is little indication that things are on the upswing. Sure, the defense is stout, but not good enough to win games on its own.

Their head coach is younger than two of our writers and about a half dozen of his own players. They possess no proven reliable receivers and the running back they signed in the offseason is probably their best blocker.

And they’re in Oakland.

Of course, this is the part where I segue to some auspicious moment heralding the coming uplift. A breaking of the clouds that lights the way to a new day, where wins pile high and Daunte Culpepper is nowhere to be found. And the thing to usher in that new day is…

…

…

is…

…

well, Michael Bush could be okay.

Probably the only thing better in life than watching two teams in pads try to beat the shit out of each other is watching two guys without pads try and do the same. I don’t know what it is about football that gets people’s pugilistic passions pumping. Maybe the alcohol? Yeah. Probably the alcohol.

The Undercard.

Dude in Chargers jersey (hey–throwbacks!) takes issue with the congregation’s assessment that the San Diego Zoo is no longer America’s Favorite Zoo. Tempers flare. Beer is not dropped.

The Main Event.

You can catch the preamble to this little skirmish in some other clips, but this is where it all comes to a head. It’s like COPS, but without the cops.

Do we still have time to get an NFL team in LA for 2007?