Welcome to the latest edition of the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, the only place on the internet to seek advice on your flex position as well as your sex positions. We have a lot to cover, so continue after the jump to dive in to all of the week’s best emails.

KSK-

Thanks,
KnockersKnocker

Ah tittyfucking, or as we’ve begun to call it, ( o )( o )love (not to be confused with ?uestlove). For starters, there is nothing particularly “freaky” about it. Remember, it’s not like you’re asking for something potentially painful like anal, or something weird like a footjob. If she does posses the ample bosom you claim (yet fail to back up with photographic evidence…asshole) then surely she’s used to men focusing their foreplay on the chestal region. Like with everything else in the bedroom, move things along slowly. Your best bet is to trick her with the old massage switcheroo. You start with her lying on her stomach, then convince her to roll over to get the full treatment. Be sure to apply the massage oil (crisco for our southern readers) liberally and then head straight for tittytown. Once she’s nice and oily begin to make your move. And remember, if she is offended just claim that you slipped, because hey, her tits are really fucking slippery.

Tell DMC to fuck off and pick up Jackson. Although I might just be fucking with you for saying that your weak ass keeper league is somehow more important than tits. I mean, where the fuck are your priorities?

Dear KSK overlords,

WishMeWell

Avoid Rongrastname tonight. It’s cold as fuck and it’s probably snowy and windy in that wasteland on the water. As for the sex, the minute you become a Craigslist sex troll is the minute every other woman on the planet loses any respect they may have had for you. But you know what, who the fuck really cares if women respect you? I mean come on, they’re only women. Do what you gotta do.

KSK,

Mike

Come on Mike, we need more information here! Has she hinted at interest in a 3way at any point in the past? Does she often comment on the sex appeal of women? She obviously doesn’t have experience with this kind of thing in the past if you are so sure of her immediate reaction, so you’ll have to tread carefully, unless of course you’re trying to get out of the wedding. In which case sir, I tip my cap to you for your creative breakup strategy (although as George Costanza knows, these things can backfire). How does she feel about strip clubs? That’s probably the easiest way to get the idea in her head. It will help if she’s drunk.

As for the fantasy, you have studs so play them. You didn’t draft Brian Westbrook so that you could bench him for Buckhalter down the stretch. He’s due for some solid performances. Obviously bench Jacobs if he isn’t going to play.

KSK-

Sully from Southie

ESPN must have shut down The Sports Guy’s mailbag, because we’ve been getting a bunch of these this week.

KSK,

Jess S.

Okay Jess, what you’re looking for is a glorious website called Women Doing Time. It’s a pay service to get you in touch with incarcerated women all over the country. The even have a great collection of prisoner profiles (although they don’t say what they’re in for, which is horseshit) that are a great read even especially if you’re happily married. God damn, I almost forgot how much I love that site. Of course you have to remember that these relationships can turn ugly (as ably demonstrated once again by Mssr. Costanza).

Here’s a rough idea of what you can expect from the site…

Play Lazerface over LazerRocketArm.

KSK-

- Officer Farva

Earlier I said that if you have Westbrook you might as well play him, but those are two pretty money backups. It all depends on how many you need in your lineup, and how much patience you have.

Never marry a woman who doesn’t understand your god given right to masturbate in a reasonable manner. As long as you aren’t jerking off out the window or doing the deed while staring at her hot little sister’s photostream on Flickr then there shouldn’t be any fucking problems. I suggest hitting her over the head with a liter of cola if she gets on you again.

Dear KSK,

- E

Some chicks dig scars. They’re called strippers and they have emotional problems. AJ can probably hook that up for you.

Hello KSK,
My girlfriend loves to do it doggie style, does that mean she can’t stand to look at my face while we’re having sex?

Steve Smith or Lee Evans?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Yes. And because you didn’t specify which Steve Smith, you get nothing. Maybe your BlackBerry has the answers.

KSK-

Nolan

Why anyone would put up with Lee Evans is a fucking mystery. I have to assume you mean the Carolina Steve Smith, in which case I’d pair him with White, and Whitey or Gage.

As for your sexy question…no, I can’t say that I have. Sure, I’m used to seeing some pretty disturbing looking people on YouPorn and the likes, but never have I seen a man that has made me want to proclaim his masculine beauty for all internet to see. Of course there’s nothing wrong with it, especially if it enhances the clip’s viewability from your perspective. On a sidenote, can we talk about the girl in the scene? Because let me tell you, that looks to be one quality fuck right there.

KSK-

Addai or DeAngelo as my #2 rb?

Careful now, this is a very delicate situation. Women seem to have come to a consensus that all men like having their exits toyed with during foreplay no matter what they say or how much they object. I can’t prove it, but I’m 95% sure that Cosmo is to blame. They always are. Fuckers. Regardless, you can’t do anything to risk losing the gift that is the regular blowjob. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make you gay unless her finger is a dead ringer for a guy’s cock. If it’s really killing your experience you need to tell her you appreciate the effort, but you find it physically uncomfortable. Make sure to stress the word “physically” otherwise she’ll just assume it’s a mental hangup and she’ll keep doing it like Cosmo told her to. Fuckers.

Dear Jew,

Clueless in California

This one depends on the scoring system. Touchdown heavy league? Go with MJD, but don’t expect a lot of yards. If it’s a fairly balanced league I’d expect fairly similar results.

Oh and yes, you should be very concerned. Light your scrotum on fire and run, do not walk, to the nearest clinic. Then go get some medicinal weed to counteract the pain and be sure to ask if they have something special for your crotchrot. Method Man knows what’s up.

KSK-

-andy

I can’t believe that there isn’t a Some E Card to inform your friend that you just plowed his ex. That’s a serious oversight that they need to address. Play the Redskins defense and hope that MeAngelo, Horton, and Carlos can come up with some picks against the Hass.

Dear KSK,

With intensity,
Matt

Who the fuck can’t sleep after sex? Either pop a post-coital Tylenol PM or start drinking more. If one doesn’t work, try both. If you get credit for return yards you must start Leon.

Maj,

–M

This is an easy one. Just buy her something you want to see her in that you think she’d be willing to wear. Then take her out to dinner at setting where she can show it off. Nobody said this was going to come cheap. As for your receivers, you have an embarrassment of riches and your biggest problem is a hot girlfriend that doesn’t dress the way you’d like her to. So yeah, get fucked.

Thanks to all of you who submitted your questions, even the ones that were either deeply disturbing or far too misogynistic to post. We have standards you know! Now I have to go peruse that list of incarcerated pussy one more time.