Black Monday saw several coaches and team executives being shown the door like the miserable incompetents that they are. Then Black Tuesday did as well. Surely, some more people will be fired and those days will get to dress in blackface as well. Everyone knows firings are great, except for when reporters repeat that euphemistic bullsh*t that someone was “relieved of their duties” by a team, like they’ve been granted freedom from the manacles of their football job and are now able to go frolic freely with smiling, singing forest creatures. They got fired. Just say it. Anyway, here’s a rundown of who’s been canned and who probably should have been canned but was mysteriously given another chance to suck.

Bill Polian

One of the most powerful executives in football, Polian made it possible for the Colts and Peyton Manning to thrive through a slight rejiggering of the rules to benefit Indy’s pass-happy attack. On the other hand, he’s a controlling asswipe and Jim Irsay would like to be able to have some say in his team’s operations between posting classic rock lyrics on his Twitter feed.

Status: FIRED

Jim Caldwell

To his credit, Caldwell showed marked gains in feigning understanding the responsibilities of his job this season.

Status: PROBABLY ALSO FIRED BUT COLTS HATERS HOPE NOT

Jerry Angelo

The Bears general manager had a draft record of futility to rival anyone’s. Oh, and there was that time he ignored the pleas of his coaches not to sign Kordell Stewart to big money and did it anyway. And still kept his job for almost another decade.

Status: FIRED

Mike Martz

Once again, an NFL offense fails to grasp the fantastic complexity of the Mike Martz system. Why, it’s not his fault football players are such simps. Who are you to question genius? How could he have known that Jay Cutler would get hurt and then the team couldn’t bring in another veteran because it would take too long to learn Martz’s Byzantine playbook? Force majeure. No refund.

Status: FIRED until he can sucker yet another team into giving him a job.

Norv Turner

The Chargers reportedly gave scroteface an ultimatum a few weeks back that either his team wins out and makes the postseason, or he gets canned. Well, the Chargers didn’t win out, so naturally…

Status: SHOCKINGLY NOT FIRED

Andy Reid

One season of tarnished expectations shouldn’t get in the way of many more seasons of tarnished expectations.

Status: NOT FIRED

Raheem Morris

Drew picked the Buccaneers to go to the Super Bowl and no one makes Drew look foolish and lives to tell about it.

Status: FIRED

Steve Spagnuolo

The Rams demand their next coaching sacrifice. At least they no longer have to worry about inheriting A.J. Smith from the Chargers. And by they, I mean a largely theory based idea of a Rams fan base.

Status: FIRED

Leslie Frazier

Frazier has capably maintained the level of ineptitude to which Vikings fans are accustomed, with or without Purple Jesus.

Status: NOT FIRED

Kyle Shanahan

Only including this to toy with Kogod’s and other ‘Skins fan emotions.

Status: Nepotism still alive and well.

Jeff Fisher

Meeting with the Dolphins. Does this spell a return to excessive sideline fistpumps?

Status: FISTPUMP

What’s this you’re showing me?

Sharp stick in the what? Eye?

Ouf. Hmm. Does look kinda painful. Awful pointy, too. And my eye? Really? Sounds like that might hurt. Couldn’t just jam it under my shoulder blade, huh? Okay, I suppose those are the rules. I do have two eyes, after all. And fuck pulling for Brady, Welkaaaaah, HGHarrison, Belicheat and Kool Aid. And fuck Marmalard, Norval, The Gigantosaur and whiny ass LT. Cromartie’s kinda cool, but whatever.

[Piercing screams]

Whooo. Ahhhh. Omigodomigodomigod. That hurts like shit. But, y’know: It’s not so bad, all things considered. Much better than that Chargers-Patriots shit.

Update: I was thrown out of the Patriots bar because I was the only one rooting against the Patriots. What sorry pathetic bitches you Pats fans are.

I fain not think that you should fail in your quest, Brave Sir Norval. I’ve heard of your exploits — how you failed in leading the noble savages of Washington, how you miserably failed in leading the less than noble savages of Oakland, but you are all that remains.

Your pockmarked visage is difficult to regard. Your breath reeks of carrion. Your armor is tattered and I am fairly certain your horse has been dead for some time. The Good Lord has not seen fit to bless you in the ways of looks nor intelligence, but you are indeed brave. That counts for something, though it be not much.

All who have gone before the beast have been vanquished soundly and without mercy. Even you yourself were defeated most handily early in its reign of terror, perhaps only spared your pathetic life for no other reason than sheer boredom by that foul creature and its braying supporters.

If there existed a system in which I could wager our kingdom’s fortunes on your chances of success, I would surely lay on money on the side of the beast and take the points. Sadly, there is no such system. It is an unfortunate consequence of our Slaughter of the Jews many years past.

Go now. Take in your hand the dark blade of Volek and strike down this scourge upon our realm. If successful, I could even learn to love you and would lustily expose a section of ankle to you. Think me not bawdy, sir knight. I am ready to make the appropriate sacrifice.