Pro Football Talk, which is always right about these things, is spreading the rumor that Matron Saint Suzy Kolber is preggers or with child, or whichever other gormless idiom you use for pregnant. I prefer germinated. It sounds less appealing that way.

See, Suzy, you start hanging around NASCAR and, before you know it, you’re having kids out of wedlock. Sure, ESPN’ll be cool with it at first, provided you name the kid Norby or Norba, then tighten up afterwards. They’ll have the finest vaginoplaster money can buy.

PFT hears it’s a girl, no doubt bound to be thick in the britches. But what of the name? JET Kolber? Turtleneckesta? Chevy Tahoe, Jr.? You decide, commenters.

UPDATE: We have an idea who the father is…

If you haven’t filled out your brackets over at the Name of the Year blog, you’d best do it in a hurry. Me, I picked Vanilla Dong to take it all, with bonus points for irony if Vanilla Dong is a black person. Inspired by that blog, and by John Hodgman’s 700 hobo names, I’ve compiled a handy list of 100 future NFL stars. These are players who do not exist yet. So, should you find yourself giving birth to a future All-Pro, feel free to partake from this list. Just be sure you use Bigdaddydrew for a middle name.

-Whip Jensen
-Thunderstick Cherry
-#1 Pinckney
-Frankincense Cornell
-Asswipe Johnson
-Peytonmanning Manning
-ESPNClassic Bailey
-Gandalf Jackson
-Colt Schmuck
-Snatch Tucker
-Tucker Snatch
-Dracula Washington IV
-James “Assboulders” Jameson
-Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder McNabb
-Heroin Marinovich
-Ding Dong
-Iron Douglas
-Freebird Skynyrd Mayweather
-Leather Berman
-Sexualize Funtime
-FUBU Jefferson
-FUBU Wright
-FUBU Babyphat Nelson
-D’Var’Shon’Ex Dellacroix
-Unytas Thompson
-Irresistible Force Garrison
-Immovable Object Garrison
-Sexcannon Cammon
-Puddingcan Vick
-Highlife Morgan
-Qock Dergan
-Arcade McNown
-Majestic Stevens
-Deez Nutz Carlson
-Pale Rider Ufford
-Taylortyler Reese
-Haterationiswrong Loverman
-DeVry Hickenlooper
-Wutang Clanton
-Lean Kiel
-Metal Gear Solid Varney
-iPod Lowenstein
-iTunes Music Store Lowenstein
-Sword Swanson
-Magiccock Blaster Kim
-Fuckgisele Brady-Moynahan
-‘Ggyuonn (pronounced John) Nelligan
-Chattanooga Choochoo
-Defies Categorization Yukendo
-Budweiser Hot Seat Smith
-Mr. Tibbs Tibbs
-Quizshow Redding
-Touch The Sky Cioffi
-Frantz Underpantz Besen
-Seanito Salibury
-KFC Jones
-Allterrainvehicle Farley
-Mary Beth King
-Pharris Bueller Bueller
-Raped Zimmer
-Anti-Vincent Vincent
-Beastieboy Gregory
-Gatorade Frost Kingston
-Glandular Problem Brown
-Eyenstein Theismann
-Tarquin Flimbim Limbim Bustop Fetang Fetang Ole Biscuitbarrel
-Dictionary Encyclopedia Phelps
-Purpleone Savior Wilson
-Grade A Huber
-Magic Hat No. 9 Fischer
-Sociology Professor Dickson
-Volt McCumber
-Doctor Asstap Harden
-Fabian Darian IV Hibbert IV
-Blackie Lawless
-Levi Dockers Jones
-Tarantula Adams
-Milkdud Carter
-I Ain’t Signing Shit (or IASS) Gibbons
-Jamesbond Schwatrz
-Anquandejuandanteantwan Farrelly
-! Morris
-Chevy Tahoe Vardell
-Duke Of York Bonger
-Scooter Cooter
-Has2fuck Garrison
-Ray “Christ” Lewis Jr.
-Auschwitz Derringer (excellent sprinter)
-Playa Player
-Hypnotiq Van de Kamp
-Grandtheftauto Vicecity Lorring
-Myspace Fellatio
-Crown Royal
-Britny Fox
-Megatron Vampira
-Kingofpop 2.0 Quinnipiac
-Meatwad
-Eczema Phillips
-Topgun Simmons
-Git-r-done McMasters

This list clearly needs improvement. Yours in the comments.