The Texans trashed the Fat Humps in Week 1 with Arian Foster running for 231 yards and three touchdowns. Now Houston is going for their first-ever sweep of Indianapolis, but to accomplish that feat and secure sole possession of first place in the AFC South, they’ll have to tangle with
And that’s not all. Berman says Peyton Manning is “fully lathered” for tonight’s game. That’s right – Indy is bringing out their fanciest popcorn butter for this one.
It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the Fat Humps’ fiefdom, the AFC South. Rex Ryan would be interested to know that this division’s champ has led the league in regular season wins each of the last two seasons.
Houston Texans
Key Additions: Neil Rackers, WHERE ELSE IS THERE?
Key Departures: The Sex Cannon, Chris Brown, Kris Brown, three more alternate spellings of that name, Ryan Moats
Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
- Just before he retired, former Bills defensive end Aaron Schobel said if he were to play this season, it would be for the Texans or nobody. Got to go with the name recognition, of course.
- “Snake Dick” Owen Daniels was late to realize that the Texans are more of a wyvern than a chimera.
- Hidden clause in Andre Johnson’s new contract: Hell if I know. It’s hidden.
- Brian Cushing blamed his positive steroid test on overtraining. Aww, that’s no fun. If you’re gonna go total bullshit on us, at least spice it up with some Jeremy London gun-toting-black-people-made-me-do-it details.
- Antwaun Molden sounds like a name a video game company that didn’t have the NFLPA license would use for Anquan Boldin.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins.
Verdict: OVER
You can almost base that designation solely on the games that Kris Brown won’t cost them this season. Then again, a lot of their success could hinge on the running game, which is forced to rely again on gimpy fumbleholic Steve Slaton, now that second-round pick Ben Tate is done for the season. Meanwhile Matt Schaub lost his coordinator and is a constant injury risk. Man, I’m really talking myself out of this, aren’t I?
RECONSIDERED VERDICT: PUSH
Indianapolis Colts
Key Additions: Hmm. Well, they appear to have drafted a few players. However, none of them will be able to provide immediately help on their terrible* O-line.
* – Peyton’s phrasing
Key Departures: Raheem Brock, someone loosely connected to Kendra Wilkinson, Jim Sorgi
Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
- Reggie Wayne wants a contract extension, but negotiations stalled when the team demanded he publicly declare the Tracy Porter pick-six was entirely his fault.
- Eric Foster was a decorated member of the Accused Sexual Assailant Class of 2010. It dealt quite a blow to holier-than-thou fanbases everywhere that the Steelers, Colts and Packers were the three teams represented this offseason.
- Defensive lineman John Gill was earlier this month found by police passed out drunk and shoeless in a ditch. It’s a sad turn for Gill, who is usually so able to feel…touch…and stroke you the right way.
- Pierre Garcon’s season will be cut short when he decides in October to run against Wyclef Jean for the Haitan presidency. Both will be disappointed when they fail to carry the zombie vote.
- Marlon Favorite needs to stop basing his identity on how one type of fish feels about him.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins.
Verdict: OVER.
We’ll just go ahead and pencil them in for their 12+ wins followed by an agonizing yet completely predictable postseason defeat every year until Peyton retires. Moving along…
Jacksonville Jaguars
Key Additions: Aaron Kampman, Kirk Morrison
Key Departures: Mangled fingered recent retiree Torry Holt, Tra Thomas, John Henderson, Reggie Hayward
Five Fast Facts About The Jaguars:
- Ko Quaye Cowboys is a fine documentary if you ever have the chance to see it.
- The new name for the Jaguars’ stadium is EverBank Field. It may sound like a low-rent sponsor, but they had to scurry when plans were scrapped for TebowTebowTebowTebow Stadium At Tebow Crossing.
- Mike Sims-Walker and the Titans’ Chris Johnson have a signature celebration in Madden 11: “The Chopper City Juke.” As with most unexplainably retarded things in this country, we have the city of Orlando to blame for it.
- Analysts claimed that the Jaguars reached in the 1st round for Tyson Alualu. In response, the Jaguars exclaimed that someone was paying attention to them.
- In the team’s first preseason game, Luke McCown completed a 73-yard touchdown to Troy Williamson. That represents more yards than Williamson has accrued in two seasons in Jacksonville. This meaningless factoid just pushed any other thing you knew about the Jaguars out of your head.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7 wins.
Verdict: UNDER
Might seem cruel for a team that came into the final four weeks of last season with a 7-5 record. Then again, at that point the Jags hadn’t beaten any team of significance besides the Jets when Mark Sanchez was still in full-on “let’s give away every single game with backbreaking interceptions” mode. And I don’t really see how the team has taken any steps forward since then. But hey, so long as they maintain MJD as a force in the fantasy game, you’re all right with us, future relocated franchise.
Tennessee Titans
So maybe perfect teeth wouldn’t be that much of an improvement.
Key Additions: Chris Simms (solely for the weed connect), Will Witherspoon, Raheem Brock
Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
- Vince Young this offseason progressed from shirtless clubbing to punching people in the club. Next up: inciting ritualistic mass suicide in a club. Yes, I think it’s the year he finally makes the leap.
- LaGarrette Blount and Myron Rolle are currently on the roster. Because you want to punch smarter, not harder.
- is there any offensive starter in the league that actually somewhat frequently touches the ball who is more readily on a fantasy waiver wire than Bo Scaife? I say no.
- It’s a shame they got rid of Nick Harper. With David Thornton and Raheem Brock now on the roster, they could almost have had an older, even crappier version of the ’05 Colts defense.
- Sen’Derrick Marks’ first name was likely the result of a misheard request for his brother to fetch something from the store.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins.
Verdict: OVER
They did well enough in the second half of the last season to make me think they’ll improve slightly. However, their defense, already struggling in 2009, lost a few more key components in the offseason. It also doesn’t help that they and Houston are tied for the highest strength of schedule this year (yeah, yeah, that’s based on last season and last season means nothing, but still). If I had to guess, Cop Speed will have a another stellar season, but it’ll be difficult to duplicate what he pulled off last year. But of course, that prediction could swing entirely in other direction if he happens to fall into my lap in a few fantasy drafts.
So, the Ravens can lock up a playoff spot with a win over the Raiders, and the NFC East title — but not a first-round bye – is on the line in Dallas. If you’re stuck with any of the other games besides Arizona-Green Bay: sorry. Get thee to a bar or shell out for DirecTV.
At least there was some entertaining kicker fail at the end. Kris Brown will make sure the Texans finish 8-8 again if it’s the last thing he does in the NFL. Then there was the wondrous mixed metaphor by Jon Gruden, who said Vince Young “found his wheels and got on his horse.” Unless he’s referring to heroin that makes no sense. All told, not the worst game ever. Could have done without that Slaton touchdown though.
First, the Colts had to go back to Baltimore on Sunday, now the former Oilers return to Houston (not to forget the Buzzsaw’s trip to St. Louis). IT’S RELOCATION WEEK! Did Bud Adams take out a full page ad in the sports section to apologize to Houston too? Soon Bud Adams apology revenue will be all there is to keep newspapers afloat. So keep dropping the double deuce on people. FOR JOURNALISM!
No matter how much the Titans want to turn tail and head back to Nashville, Bernard Pollard says YOU STILL GOTTA PLAY THE HOUSTON TEXANS!
Anyway, this is the bastard middle child live blog nudged between Pats-Colts last week and Pats-Saints a week from today. But the Texans are still fighting to stay in the playoff hunt. And Steve Slaton getting the start will have duped enough fantasy owners into playing him again that we will delight in their anguish. The likely Chris Johnson stat line of 180 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries will provide adequate Meastliness. It’s no madcap Detroit-Cleveland game, but it could be fun. But when’s Vince Young gonna hurry up and implode? He doesn’t even have a negative touchdowns to interceptions ratio! What manner of sorcery is this? No better moment to start the shirtless insanity like a prime time game in his hometown.
Matt Schaub: Hey man. I heard the news. Try not to get too bummed. You’ll bounce back, I know it.
Owen Daniels: It sucks. And at the worst possible time too.
Matt Schaub: Yeah, yeah, I know. We had finally climbed above .500 mark. I still hope we can make something of this season without you. Guys’ll step up. You’ll see.
Owen Daniels: There’s that, I guess. But I had some other plans that were about to come to fruition.
It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.
[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]
Fail Lion: My brothers! Today we mourn a great loss from our Royal Court of Fail. News comes from the field that Sir Buzzsaw has entered into the Nation of the Super Bowl dwellers.
Saint Jester: Impossible!
The Brown Knight: It cannot be so! [Throws empty beer bottle]
Fail Lion: Do not let your emotions sway your thoughts. Today is truly a sad one, but we will muddle on, as we always do.
Saint Jester: But what of his post?
Fail Lion: That is the very matter upon which we must ruminate this day. Sir Buzzsaw served this court admirably for generations as a specialist in matters of irrelevancy and fan apathy.
Jaguar serf: Well I don’t care much for my team. In fact, I only wear this cranial adornment because I found it in the parking lot.
The Brown Knight: Yes! The Jaguar! His people care little of the fortunes of their flag.
Fail Lion: But can the Jaguar be trusted? Remember, now, it was his squadron that came close twice in its formative years to fleeing our ranks.
Texan knave: TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!
Saint Jester: Yes, but who among us has not had a brush with near-success? It was just two years ago that I nearly trod onto those Super Bowl grounds.
Texan knave: WE BEAT THE COWBOYS ONCE! TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!
Fail Lion: Yours is a fair point, jester. Let it be so. Approach, serf.
Are you ready to ignore the shifting fortunes of your team? Only to adopt them should be make the promised land?
Jaguar serf: Sure. I guess. Me and Matt Jones are gonna score good drugs no matter what.
Fail Lion: Then I shall decree it. I dub thee, Sir Jaguar. Noble paladin of fan apathy.
You know, I sat through the entire ponderous spectacle that was Texans and Jaguars on Monday night and I can’t remember anything beyond an endless procession of turnovers and a bunch of scores after the game was already decided. In my drunken haze, I still managed to get a few amusing crowd shots and allow me to share them with you.
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