Kissing Suzy Kolber » No one cares about the Texans

You Still Gotta Live Blog the Houston Texans

Christmas Ape — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 21:26:08 +0000

First, the Colts had to go back to Baltimore on Sunday, now the former Oilers return to Houston. IT’S RELOCATION WEEK! Did Bud Adams take out a full page ad in the sports section to apologize to Houston too? Soon Bud Adams apology revenue will be all there is to keep newspapers afloat. So keep dropping the double deuce on people. FOR JOURNALISM!

No matter how much the Titans want to turn tail and head back to Nashville, Bernard Pollard says YOU STILL GOTTA PLAY THE HOUSTON TEXANS!

Anyway, this is the bastard middle child live blog nudged between Pats-Colts last week and Pats-Saints a week from today. But the Texans are still fighting to stay in the playoff hunt. And Steve Slaton getting the start will have duped enough fantasy owners into playing him again that we will delight in their anguish. The likely Chris Johnson stat line of 180 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries will provide adequate Meastliness. It’s no madcap Detroit-Cleveland game, but it could be fun. But when’s Vince Young gonna hurry up and implode? He doesn’t even have a negative touchdowns to interceptions ratio! What manner of sorcery is this? No better moment to start the shirtless insanity like a prime time game in his hometown.

A Monster With the Head of a Lion and the Jacked-Up Knees of Owen Daniels

Christmas Ape — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:20:43 +0000

Matt Schaub: Hey man. I heard the news. Try not to get too bummed. You’ll bounce back, I know it.

Owen Daniels: It sucks. And at the worst possible time too.

Matt Schaub: Yeah, yeah, I know. We had finally climbed above .500 mark. I still hope we can make something of this season without you. Guys’ll step up. You’ll see.

Owen Daniels: There’s that, I guess. But I had some other plans that were about to come to fruition.

Matt Schaub: Like what?

Owen Daniels: All right – promise not to laugh? I’ve been reading up on this book called “Mystical Monsters.”

Matt Schaub: Okay?

Owen Daniels: Well, like, you know how people got nicknames like Slash-N-Dash or running back committees are called two- or three-headed monsters?

Matt Schaub: Sure.

Owen Daniels: So me, you, Andre and Slaton, we’re like a four-headed offensive monster, right? And this book had one of those. Loogit! It’s called the Chimera.

Matt Schaub: That’s…interesting. So who is what? Which one am I?

Owen Daniels: See, that was the last detail I needed to iron out. For me, I like that tail in the form of the snake. He’s sneaky dangerous, like me. No expects a monster to have a snake head around back. Plus, it’s kinda phallic. I could be snake dick. Like, when other tight ends catch passes, it’s COOOOOLLLLLLEEEEYYYYYY or HEEEEEEAAAAAPPPPPPP or HHHHEEEEEAAAAAATTTTTHHHHHH. For me, Houston fans would go SSSSSNNNNNNAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEEE DDDDDDIIIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKK.

[Fantasy draft boards fly open]

Steve Slaton: Why the fuck are you guys yelling about a snake dick?

Owen Daniels: We’re trying to figure out which of me, you, Schaub and Andre is what on this chimera.

Steve Slaton: And you’re snake dick?

Owen Daniels: Yep.

Steve Slaton: Makes sense. I could see you as snake dick. Matt, you’re obviously the goat.

Matt Schaub: What? No way. You’re the goat.

Steve Slaton: I’m not the goat, goat.

Matt Schaub: Fuck off with that goat shit, goat.

Steve Slaton: I’m the motherfucking lion.

Matt Schaub: Lions don’t get benched.

Steve Slaton: FUCK YOU!

Andre Johnson: What’s all this commotion?

Matt Schaub: Slaton is trying to make me the Chimera goat.

Steve Slaton: This goofy son of a bitch says I can’t be the lion. What? He want the white man to be lion. White man can’t be no lion. You is one goaty little bitch.

Andre Johnson: Listen, listen, just everybody calm down. I will be the goat. Steve, you can be the lion. Matt, you’re the dragon. See? Not so tough.

Matt Schaub: Really? You don’t mind being the goat.

Andre Johnson: Nah, man. I’m cool with it.

Steve Slaton: But why?

Andre Johnson: ‘CAUSE I’S THE GREATEST OF ALL TIMES, LITTLE FUCK LION. Go get your lionnesses to do your hunting for you, bench bitch! BBBAAA-AAAAAA-AAAHHHHHH! G.O.A.T.!

Matt Schaub adopts Undertaker gimmick in hopes of revitalizing struggling career…

flubby — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:35:52 +0000

…so far it’s not working.

[ Shaub image via F Juice ]

KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: AFC South

Christmas Ape — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:54:29 +0000

Tard helmet, now in team colors.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.

HOUSTON TEXANS

Five Fast Facts About the Texans:

Due to new environs, Sexy Rexy has long been forced to abandon “no fat shemales” policy.

Tired of being a punchline, Dan Orlovsky redefines himself as a nonsequitur.

Cato June wishes he had known about all the wacky laws in Florida before he got his DUI.

Gary Kubiak is striving hard to unmake the Internet as we speak. Luckily Steve DeBerg is hot on his trail.

Fullback Boomer Grisby clearly missed his true calling as an acclaimed writer of Laura Ingalls Wilder slash fiction.

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 8 Wins

VERDICT: Push.

Despite every year, by virtue of a promising finish, duping suckers (like me) into thinking they can eclipse their 8-8 record from the year before (and the year before that), the Texans inevitably stumble out of the gate, eliminate themselves midway through the season, then pad out their record over soft teams at the end of the year. I’VE FINALLY WISED UP COCKSLOTS!

/Texans go 12-4 just to spite me

~~LAND OF SHIT~~ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Five Fast Facts About the Colts:

Peyton’s apparently not famous enough to have his name spelled right in Canada

Bob Sanders just fractured his instep on that bullet point to the left.

Donald Brown was really shocked to learn that Lamar isn’t gay.

Undrafted Duke linebacker Mike Tauiliili has four I’s in his last name, an unfortunate coincidence that coaches chalk up to selfishness.

Uh oh, Jim Sorgi has some competition at the cushiest job in sports. That clipboard hand better be strong come camp time!

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 10 wins

Verdict: PUSH

Conventional wisdom will tell you that Peyton alone could coach this team to 10 wins, and he’s going to have to because Jim Caldwell doesn’t look like he could inspire shit out of a goose.

She really should’ve had a bigger part in the Star Wars prequels.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Five Fast Facts About the Jaguars:

Torry Holt couldn’t get Star Trek fans to stop raving about his snagglefinger at the multiplex this spring.

Silky Garrard is not at all comfortable with the premise of the HBO show Hung, wants some of that bitch’s profits.

Department of misnomers: Jeremy Mincey actually prances.

Now that he’s been released Matt Jones regrets having the Jacksonville Municipal Stadium crew use his cocaine to line the playing field.

With time freed up by Fred Taylor’s departure to New England, the Jags training staff creates a fake Jack Del Rio Twitter feed that perfectly lampoons that sneering jackass. But then Tra Thomas’ back goes out in Week 9 and it goes to shit.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER

The Jags caught the brunt of a spate of injuries early last year (if you ask me, it was also karmic retribution for tossing huge contracts at Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson) and so long as they can avoid that, they should cobble together an improved result over last year’s disaster. I don’t think it would be a huge shock to see this team rebound to 9-7, but then I’m almost always fantastically wrong.

TENNESSEE TITANS

Five Fast Facts About the Titans:

Kerry Collins was only sacked eight times all of last regular season, however he did pass out drunk on his feet on at least six occasions.

Vince Young was dismayed that the Hurt Locker focused so much time on troops in Iraq and gave such short shrift to actually damaged lockers.

Kyle Vanden Bosch still has night terrors dating back to the first time that he saw a Fry Guy.

Tackle Cory Lekkerkerker’s last name is a KSK dream come true.

Happy now, Obama? The economy has forced Kige Ramsey to become an overpass troll.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: OVER

According to most, the departure of Albert Haynesworth augurs a nosedive for the Titans, but I don’t forsee that dramatic of a falloff. Unless Vince Young takes non garbage time snaps at QB, then, fuck it, they’re the new Lions.

One Fewer Fail in the Fold

Christmas Ape — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:13:37 +0000

[Castle Failskull]

[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: My brothers! Today we mourn a great loss from our Royal Court of Fail. News comes from the field that Sir Buzzsaw has entered into the Nation of the Super Bowl dwellers.

Saint Jester: Impossible!

The Brown Knight: It cannot be so! [Throws empty beer bottle]

Fail Lion: Do not let your emotions sway your thoughts. Today is truly a sad one, but we will muddle on, as we always do.

Saint Jester: But what of his post?

Fail Lion: That is the very matter upon which we must ruminate this day. Sir Buzzsaw served this court admirably for generations as a specialist in matters of irrelevancy and fan apathy.

Jaguar serf: Well I don’t care much for my team. In fact, I only wear this cranial adornment because I found it in the parking lot.

The Brown Knight: Yes! The Jaguar! His people care little of the fortunes of their flag.

Fail Lion: But can the Jaguar be trusted? Remember, now, it was his squadron that came close twice in its formative years to fleeing our ranks.

Texan knave: TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!

Saint Jester: Yes, but who among us has not had a brush with near-success? It was just two years ago that I nearly trod onto those Super Bowl grounds.

Texan knave: WE BEAT THE COWBOYS ONCE! TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!

Fail Lion: Yours is a fair point, jester. Let it be so. Approach, serf.

Are you ready to ignore the shifting fortunes of your team? Only to adopt them should be make the promised land?

Jaguar serf: Sure. I guess. Me and Matt Jones are gonna score good drugs no matter what.

Fail Lion: Then I shall decree it. I dub thee, Sir Jaguar. Noble paladin of fan apathy.

Sir Jaguar: [Takes toke] Super.

[Kazoos play]

Did You Get Drunk For This? You Should Have Gotten Drunk For This

Christmas Ape — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 06:12:28 +0000

You know, I sat through the entire ponderous spectacle that was Texans and Jaguars on Monday night and I can’t remember anything beyond an endless procession of turnovers and a bunch of scores after the game was already decided. In my drunken haze, I still managed to get a few amusing crowd shots and allow me to share them with you.

Gotta love the two-toned Oilers/Texans helmet. I’m surprised Laura Quinn hasn’t whipped this one out yet.

And we all know Texans fans have graduated from Bovine University.

Feather boas, they’re the hottest football viewing accessory since the team logo garter belt.

The star-faced sneetches, the only Dr. Seuss creation to root for unwatchable football teams. Except the Lorax, everyone knows that fucker loves the bird teams.

Live Blogkkake: Two 4-7 Teams Enter, Zero Advance to Playoffs

Christmas Ape — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:30:59 +0000

GAHHHHHH WE DONE GOT TO EVACUATE!!!!

Big Daddy Drew — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:05:32 +0000

HURRICANE’S A COMIN’, FOLKS! WE GOTTA GIT OUTTA THIS DANG TOWN! TAKE ONLY WHAT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! DARLENE, GO GIT THE WATER!

BOBBYE JANE SUEANN, ROUND UP THE PORK AND BEANS!

BILLY RAY JOE BOB, GET ME MY GUN WHAT FOR SHOOTIN’ THEM BLACK FOLK!

IS THAT EVERYTHING?

RAYLENE, LEAVE THOSE STUPID TEXANS WHERE YOU DONE FOUND THEM! I TOLD YOU, TAKE ONLY WHAT IS NECESSARY! NOW, WHERE’S MY COWBOYS CAR FLAG?!

Does Anyone Here Want To Talk About Houston Texans Football?

Big Daddy Drew — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:19:05 +0000

Adam Clanton: It’s a glorious Tuesday afternoon, everyone! This is the Adam Clanton Experience on Sports Talk 610, official radio home of your Houston Texans. The sun’s shining, the weather is nice, and it’s great day to talk some Texans football. Training camp is underway, and we wanna hear from you! What do you think of the Texans this year? Can Matt Schaub stay healthy? Can Andre Johnson bounce back? Let’s take some calls. Bobby! You’re on Sports Talk 610 with Adam Clanton.

Bobby: Howdy Adam, I wanted to know what you thought of young hussy Jessica Simpson doing those stripteases online for Tony Romo! Is that really the way for a young lady to act?

Adam Clanton: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Looks like we got a Cowboy fan in our midst! Sorry. Bobby. But this is a Texans station. This is a COWBOY FREE ZONE! Am I right people? Let’s flush Bobby and move on to Billy Joe! Billy Joe, what do you think of the Texans?

Billy Joe: Hey Adam, longtime Cowboy fan here. Real long time fan. And I wanted to know if Pacman Jones will be…

Adam Clanton: Looks like Billy Joe missed the memo! Again people, we’re talking Houston Texans football. C’mon, everyone! We’ve got DeMeco Ryans and Mario Williams up front! Potential top ten defense! Let’s go to Bobby Earl. Bobby Earl, what do you think of the D this year?

Bobby Earl: Say, did you know that Barack Obama’s middle name is HOO-SANE? Just like Saddam’s? Barack HOO-SANE Obama? Kinda makes you think, dudn’t it? I don’t want no HOO-SANE runnin’ this country!

Adam Clanton: Sorry Bobby Earl, but again, we’re talking about the Texans. Let’s try the phones again. Sorry folks, we just don’t seem to be screening very well today. Let’s go to Bobby Billy Ray. Bobby Billy Ray, what do you say?

Bobby Billy Ray: It is TIME to trade Tracy McGrady! What has that jackass ever won for Clutch Citay???

Adam Clanton: It’s not even the Rockets’ season. Look, people. I keep trying to tell you, we’re here to talk about the Texans in this segment. THIS IS THE OFFICIAL TEXANS STATION! Come on, man! Gimme something to work with! Let’s go to… who’s this? Tommy?

Tommy: WHY THE FACK AHH YOU TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE FACKIN’ TEXANS WHEN MY BELOVED RED SAWX JUST TRADED THE FACKIN’ HAAAAHT AND SOUL OF THEIR BATTING ORDAAH TO THOSE FAGGOTS IN LOS ANGELES, YOU FACK?!

Adam Clanton: What?

Tommy: You fackin’ faggots down they-ah aw nawt givin’ the Sawx they-ah fackin’ due! No one cay-uhs about yah stupid fackin’ Texans! Awl anyone wants to tawk about right now is the Manny trade. NO ONE DENIES THIS. GET YAR FACKIN’ PRIARITIES STRAIGHT!

Adam Clanton: You’re from Boston? Why are you calling a Houston station?

Tommy: BECAUSE YOU FAGGOTS DON’T TAWK ABOUT THE SAWX ENOUGH! I listen to every fackin’ station in this country to make shoo-ah ow-uh Sawx are getting the prawpah amount of coverage! Now you tell me: HOW THE FACK CAN THEO EPSTEIN JUSTIFY TRADING A .300 HITTAH FAH FACKIN’ JASON BAY?! He can’t even hit .300 in the fackin’ NL! And the fackin’ NL all-staaaahs couldn’t even beat the Paw Sawx!

Adam Clanton: We’re not here to talk about Manny Ramirez.

Tommy: FACK YOU! I am still nawt ovah this trade! So many mixed emotions. Manny was like a crazy garlfriend. Sure, you fought with her-ah, and maybe you kicked her-ah in the cunt a few times, but she still blew you that one time in the shittah at Daisy Buchanan’s, and you nevah forgawt that moment! Sure-ah, he was Manny, BUT HE WAS OW-UH MANNY. I remembah the first time I heard we had traded far him. We were-ah so young back then…

Adam Clanton: Hold on. You’re not going to go into a clichéd nostalgic Red Sox fan story on this station.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Adam Clanton: What is that word? Are you saying “fack”? Do I need to use the delay button here? What does that mean?

Tommy: IT MEANS I’LL FACK YAH SISTAH! You need to tawk about this trade more-ah! I’ve tawked about it with everyone I know: my priest, my bishop, my Caaaaahdinal. I can’t believe Manny was traded to home of the FACKIN’ LAKAHS!!!!

Adam Clanton: Okay, I’ve had just about enough.

Tommy: Still, ya gawtta love what Dustin Pedroiah is doing far us!!!

Adam Clanton: Cut him off, Lou.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Adam Clanton: Is he gone? Thank god. Let’s try and get back on track. Does anyone here wanna talk some Texans football? Let’s go to Jerral. Jerral, whaddaya got?

Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW! MY BOY ROMO IS A GODDAMN STAR! YOUR TEAM MAY AS WELL BE PLAYING IN FUCKING ICELAND, QUEERBOY! LEMME ASK YOU, SON: YOU EVER SEEN CHARLES HALEY SHOOT A JELLY ROPE INTO TROY AIKMAN’S EYE WHEN HE WASN’T LOOKING? ‘CAUSE I HAVE, AND IT’S QUITE A SIGHT TO SEE! WAAAHOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

Adam Clanton: Oh, god dammit.