Matt Schaub: Hey man. I heard the news. Try not to get too bummed. You’ll bounce back, I know it.

Owen Daniels: It sucks. And at the worst possible time too.

Matt Schaub: Yeah, yeah, I know. We had finally climbed above .500 mark. I still hope we can make something of this season without you. Guys’ll step up. You’ll see.

Owen Daniels: There’s that, I guess. But I had some other plans that were about to come to fruition.

Matt Schaub: Like what?

(more…)

…so far it’s not working.

 

[ Shaub image via F Juice ]

Tard helmet, now in team colors.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.

(more…)

[Castle Failskull]

[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: My brothers! Today we mourn a great loss from our Royal Court of Fail. News comes from the field that Sir Buzzsaw has entered into the Nation of the Super Bowl dwellers.

Saint Jester: Impossible!

The Brown Knight: It cannot be so! [Throws empty beer bottle]

Fail Lion: Do not let your emotions sway your thoughts. Today is truly a sad one, but we will muddle on, as we always do.

Saint Jester: But what of his post?

Fail Lion: That is the very matter upon which we must ruminate this day. Sir Buzzsaw served this court admirably for generations as a specialist in matters of irrelevancy and fan apathy.

Jaguar serf: Well I don’t care much for my team. In fact, I only wear this cranial adornment because I found it in the parking lot.

The Brown Knight: Yes! The Jaguar! His people care little of the fortunes of their flag.

Fail Lion: But can the Jaguar be trusted? Remember, now, it was his squadron that came close twice in its formative years to fleeing our ranks.

Texan knave: TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!

Saint Jester: Yes, but who among us has not had a brush with near-success? It was just two years ago that I nearly trod onto those Super Bowl grounds.

Texan knave: WE BEAT THE COWBOYS ONCE! TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!

Fail Lion: Yours is a fair point, jester. Let it be so. Approach, serf.

Are you ready to ignore the shifting fortunes of your team? Only to adopt them should be make the promised land?

Jaguar serf: Sure. I guess. Me and Matt Jones are gonna score good drugs no matter what.

Fail Lion: Then I shall decree it. I dub thee, Sir Jaguar. Noble paladin of fan apathy.

Sir Jaguar: [Takes toke] Super.

[Kazoos play]

You know, I sat through the entire ponderous spectacle that was Texans and Jaguars on Monday night and I can’t remember anything beyond an endless procession of turnovers and a bunch of scores after the game was already decided. In my drunken haze, I still managed to get a few amusing crowd shots and allow me to share them with you.

(more…)

HURRICANE’S A COMIN’, FOLKS! WE GOTTA GIT OUTTA THIS DANG TOWN! TAKE ONLY WHAT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! DARLENE, GO GIT THE WATER!

BOBBYE JANE SUEANN, ROUND UP THE PORK AND BEANS!

BILLY RAY JOE BOB, GET ME MY GUN WHAT FOR SHOOTIN’ THEM BLACK FOLK!

IS THAT EVERYTHING?

RAYLENE, LEAVE THOSE STUPID TEXANS WHERE YOU DONE FOUND THEM! I TOLD YOU, TAKE ONLY WHAT IS NECESSARY! NOW, WHERE’S MY COWBOYS CAR FLAG?!

Adam Clanton: It’s a glorious Tuesday afternoon, everyone! This is the Adam Clanton Experience on Sports Talk 610, official radio home of your Houston Texans. The sun’s shining, the weather is nice, and it’s great day to talk some Texans football. Training camp is underway, and we wanna hear from you! What do you think of the Texans this year? Can Matt Schaub stay healthy? Can Andre Johnson bounce back? Let’s take some calls. Bobby! You’re on Sports Talk 610 with Adam Clanton.

Bobby: Howdy Adam, I wanted to know what you thought of young hussy Jessica Simpson doing those stripteases online for Tony Romo! Is that really the way for a young lady to act?

Adam Clanton: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Looks like we got a Cowboy fan in our midst! Sorry. Bobby. But this is a Texans station. This is a COWBOY FREE ZONE! Am I right people? Let’s flush Bobby and move on to Billy Joe! Billy Joe, what do you think of the Texans?

Billy Joe: Hey Adam, longtime Cowboy fan here. Real long time fan. And I wanted to know if Pacman Jones will be…

Adam Clanton: Looks like Billy Joe missed the memo! Again people, we’re talking Houston Texans football. C’mon, everyone! We’ve got DeMeco Ryans and Mario Williams up front! Potential top ten defense! Let’s go to Bobby Earl. Bobby Earl, what do you think of the D this year?

Bobby Earl: Say, did you know that Barack Obama’s middle name is HOO-SANE? Just like Saddam’s? Barack HOO-SANE Obama? Kinda makes you think, dudn’t it? I don’t want no HOO-SANE runnin’ this country!

Adam Clanton: Sorry Bobby Earl, but again, we’re talking about the Texans. Let’s try the phones again. Sorry folks, we just don’t seem to be screening very well today. Let’s go to Bobby Billy Ray. Bobby Billy Ray, what do you say?

Bobby Billy Ray: It is TIME to trade Tracy McGrady! What has that jackass ever won for Clutch Citay???

Adam Clanton: It’s not even the Rockets’ season. Look, people. I keep trying to tell you, we’re here to talk about the Texans in this segment. THIS IS THE OFFICIAL TEXANS STATION! Come on, man! Gimme something to work with! Let’s go to… who’s this? Tommy?

Tommy: WHY THE FACK AHH YOU TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE FACKIN’ TEXANS WHEN MY BELOVED RED SAWX JUST TRADED THE FACKIN’ HAAAAHT AND SOUL OF THEIR BATTING ORDAAH TO THOSE FAGGOTS IN LOS ANGELES, YOU FACK?!

Adam Clanton: What?

Tommy: You fackin’ faggots down they-ah aw nawt givin’ the Sawx they-ah fackin’ due! No one cay-uhs about yah stupid fackin’ Texans! Awl anyone wants to tawk about right now is the Manny trade. NO ONE DENIES THIS. GET YAR FACKIN’ PRIARITIES STRAIGHT!

Adam Clanton: You’re from Boston? Why are you calling a Houston station?

Tommy: BECAUSE YOU FAGGOTS DON’T TAWK ABOUT THE SAWX ENOUGH! I listen to every fackin’ station in this country to make shoo-ah ow-uh Sawx are getting the prawpah amount of coverage! Now you tell me: HOW THE FACK CAN THEO EPSTEIN JUSTIFY TRADING A .300 HITTAH FAH FACKIN’ JASON BAY?! He can’t even hit .300 in the fackin’ NL! And the fackin’ NL all-staaaahs couldn’t even beat the Paw Sawx!

Adam Clanton: We’re not here to talk about Manny Ramirez.

Tommy: FACK YOU! I am still nawt ovah this trade! So many mixed emotions. Manny was like a crazy garlfriend. Sure, you fought with her-ah, and maybe you kicked her-ah in the cunt a few times, but she still blew you that one time in the shittah at Daisy Buchanan’s, and you nevah forgawt that moment! Sure-ah, he was Manny, BUT HE WAS OW-UH MANNY. I remembah the first time I heard we had traded far him. We were-ah so young back then…

Adam Clanton: Hold on. You’re not going to go into a clichéd nostalgic Red Sox fan story on this station.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Adam Clanton: What is that word? Are you saying “fack”? Do I need to use the delay button here? What does that mean?

Tommy: IT MEANS I’LL FACK YAH SISTAH! You need to tawk about this trade more-ah! I’ve tawked about it with everyone I know: my priest, my bishop, my Caaaaahdinal. I can’t believe Manny was traded to home of the FACKIN’ LAKAHS!!!!

Adam Clanton: Okay, I’ve had just about enough.

Tommy: Still, ya gawtta love what Dustin Pedroiah is doing far us!!!

Adam Clanton: Cut him off, Lou.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Adam Clanton: Is he gone? Thank god. Let’s try and get back on track. Does anyone here wanna talk some Texans football? Let’s go to Jerral. Jerral, whaddaya got?

Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW! MY BOY ROMO IS A GODDAMN STAR! YOUR TEAM MAY AS WELL BE PLAYING IN FUCKING ICELAND, QUEERBOY! LEMME ASK YOU, SON: YOU EVER SEEN CHARLES HALEY SHOOT A JELLY ROPE INTO TROY AIKMAN’S EYE WHEN HE WASN’T LOOKING? ‘CAUSE I HAVE, AND IT’S QUITE A SIGHT TO SEE! WAAAHOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

Adam Clanton: Oh, god dammit.