Flacco’s bitchy tongue-and-cheek comments this week about the Ravens winning despite his mediocre play was awfully prophetic. Being bailed out by one-handed catches by Lee Evans and Anquan Boldin saved him from an unbroken 60 minutes of ineptitude. Nevertheless, T.J. Yates proved somehow to be the lesser. What did the Ravens do to win today except have fumbles bounce their way? They played some good centerfield on Yates INTs, perhaps.

Even leastiest was Jacoby Jones, who basically gave the Ravens the win with a fumble on his punt return attempt in the first quarter that set Baltimore up for an easy score. Jones fared almost as bad on subsequent returns, running sideway and not gaining any yards despite having 10 yards of open space.

Dare I say I actually feel for Wade Phillips? Florence Tubbingale earned it today, so toss the man a 20-piece bucket already.

Fake mustaches are the equivalent of breast implants for Baltimore women.

Not sure what Reedfense is, but my guess is that it’s not so much a word as it is a cry for help. Whatever it is, it probably won’t be around next week when the Ravens travel to Foxboro. That’s a shame. But I’m sure slow-ass Ray Lewis can cover Gronkowski and Hernandez just as well.

Just curious – after all the seemingly benign stuff we’ve seen flagged this year, how is running 30 yards to the stands after an INT not excessive celebration?

The Ravens beat the Texans in Baltimore by two scores back in October, and that was before T.J. Yates Time was dumped on the world. Plus there’s the tidbit that Bawlmer is 18-1 in its last 19 home games, so an NFL playoffs still seeking its first road team victory appears bound to stay chalktastic. Unless Joe Flacco wings multiple pick-sixes and Ray Rice goes down on the first play, which we all hope they will.

It’s been a rough weekend for overtly religious NFL stars, with Breesus and Tebow already shown the door. Could God’s Stabbacker, Ray Lewis, be next? Probably not, but it’s enticing to think about His Lordiness taking a weekend away from more pressing matters to spurn those most vocal about about faith’s impact on a stupid sport that affects nothing.

The Mobius strip of awkward white guys.

Surely you’ve heard by now that with yesterday’s dramatic T.J. YATES TIME last-minute win in Cincinnati, the Texans clinched the AFC South title, marking the team’s first playoff appearance in its 10-year history. We poke a lot of fun at Houston, not because the city is basically Indianapolis plus stifling humidity and oppressive traffic, but because no one ever really took their team seriously. Not that you really should start, because they’re pretty likely to lose their first playoff game. But at least the Texans can start to shake the perception that they might actually be a lazily made user-generated team on Madden. The super generic name never helped.

I’m sure if I lived closer to Houston, I’d find plenty of reasons to hate them, but the Texans fans that I’ve encountered on the Internet are adorable. They’re always so excited that anyone is even paying attention to them. “WHAT?! TEXANS?! IN PRIMETIME!? WOOHOOO! I DON’T CARE IF THEY LOSE! SOMEONE WILL NOTICE US!”

So you cute widdle happy Corgi Texans fans have fun with your playoff appearance. Tell ‘em, Mini Mark Sanchez.

A Texans fan unironically (and therefore tragically) went to the trouble of creating a Hope poster of Matt Leinart and put it up on Twitter. That would be the saddest thing ever, but then I noticed that seeing how the real Matty Ice is going to fare against a ravaged Jaguars team might be the most compelling thing about the set of early games this Sunday. That’ll happen when you squander all your seemingly good match-ups on Thursday, then actually have an interesting Monday night game for once.

Oh, and let me go ahead and fix that poster.

PATENTED KSK SHERMOMETER OF STARS

Purple Jesus-less Vikings @ Falcons ★
Battle of Urban Meyerville ★★
Panthers @ Fat Humps ★
Texans @ Jags ★★★
Fitzmagic/Nacho Bad Contract Showdown ★★
Buzzsaw @ Rams ★
Buccaneers @ Titans ★★
Five million inane discussions of how Ndamukong Suh is the greatest threat to modern civilization ZERO GODDAMN STARS

Matt Schaub: Fellow members of the Houston Chimera, we stand at a crossroads. To date, we have achieved what we set out to do. With a 7-3 record, we are owners of our fate and the top seed in the AFC. Our long-awaited goal of reaching the postseason is finally within our grasp. But you will have to travel the final length of your journey without me.

Andre Johnson: So what? I been hurt for a month and a half. Don’t hear me bellyaching.

Owen Daniels: Come, Brother Goat. That is no way to speak to Dragonhead. In the Chimera, we support one another, as we are all part of the same mystical being.

Andre Johnson: Whatever, Snake Dick. I said I’d go along with this so long as you quit being creepy about it. I thought this was just a nickname thing. You make it seem like a cult.

Owen Daniels: I do not!

Andre Johnson: So why do you have a chimera pendant?

Owen Daniels: Because it looks badass.

Andre Johnson: And the chimera tattoo?

Owen Daniels: Because it looks badass.

Andre Johnson: And how about that time you approached us asking if we should just sew ourselves together like some Human Centipede sh*t?

Owen Daniels: LOOK, I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW IMPORTANT THESE NEXT FEW GAMES ARE! DO YOU WANNA WIN OR NOT?! [Makes hissing noise]

Arian Foster: Hahahaha. Snake Dick doing the hiss again.

Owen Daniels: It’s called staying in character. It works for me. Maybe you could work on your roar sometime, Lion.

Arian Foster: What I look like? Simba?

Andre Johnson: What kind of chimera we got when two of the heads don’t work? That’s one busted-ass chimera.

Matt Schaub: That’s just the thing: maybe we aren’t a chimera anymore.

Owen Daniels: WHAT?

Matt Schaub: I was looking at that “Mystical Monsters” book that Owen-

Owen Daniels: SNAKE DICK

Matt Schaub: … that Snake Dick was carrying around and I came across the hydra. This was a creature that, once you cut off one of its heads, another fresh one sprang up in its place. I thought that that would work perfectly for us since we have to replace all these guys because of injury.

Owen Daniels: BUT I SPENT ALL THAT TIME PERFECTING THE HISS!

Matt Schaub: Well, the hydra is a lizard, too. It probably hisses.

Owen Daniels: IT BETTER!

Matt Schaub: Then it’s settled: no longer are we the Houston Chimera. We are now the Houston Hydra.

Andre Johnson: [Rolls eyes]

[Frat house door flies open]

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Your Meast for Week 5 is Jahvid Best, who greatly improved the five inches per carry average he had posted for the season prior to Monday night’s victory over the Bears with 163 yards on 12 carries, including an 88-yard untouched touchdown sprint. Be sure to start him in fantasy this week when he follows that up with 38 yards rushing and one catch for 13 yards.

Any team that goes from record futility to burgeoning powerhouse within a three-year span is bound to become an instant media darling. And that’s fine. Unless you’re a fan of a division rival, you probably feel good for Lions fans. You might have already given one a patronizing pat on the head. They deserve it. So of course ESPN is gonna do their best to make us hate the Lions by blowing smoke up their asses.

Why would you include preseason victories in that streak? Would anyone have quibbled with that had Detroit dropped a meaningless preseason game? Nine wins in a row not impressive enough? Before you know it, ESPN is gonna air a segment explaining how Matt Millen really planted the seeds for this resurgence by drafting Megatron. Don’t think they won’t.

Also receiving Meastly consideration: Jason Pierre-Paul, Dwayne Bowe, THE BEN and Sebastian Janikowski.

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I can’t say I watched a lot of the Giants-Vikes game, but from what little I did, I could tell I wasn’t missing much. And ESPN seems dedicated to catching you up on all the forlorn looks Brittfar made on the sidelines. Among every other shopworn moment from his thankfully concluded career.

Hard to tell but that hat plays Big K.R.I.T.’s ” Country Shit” on loop.

The regularly scheduled Monday night game wasn’t faring much better until Houston peeled off an amazing comeback to tie the game with a touchdown and two-point conversion with less than 30 seconds on the clock. It being the Texans, though, they had to find a way to blow it. Of course they did. Bastards.

ESPN is better than most about getting ridiculous crowd shots. Hell, you’re lucky if you ever see NFL Network pan a camera through the stands. Normally, that means a few of the most retarded fans make the entire fan base look bad, but man, Houston really brought its tard fan game to a new level on Monday. Just uncanny amounts of fan DERPitude.

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Some folks will wonder why we’re not starting the live blog earlier in the evening to accommodate the rescheduled and relocated Giants-Vikings game. To them, I say, “I am sorry. We are not made of live blog.” So it’s just the later, actually nationally televised game that we’re focusing on tonight. But feel free to use this as an open thread for Ford Field roof implode-a-polooza.

Not that we’re sticklers for order or anything, but trying to live blog two games at once will make it an even more jumbled, incoherent mess than our live blogs already are. That said, if Brett Favre does play and suffers a catastrophic injury UPDATE: NO GUNSLINGING TONIGHT!, there’s no reason people shouldn’t make an exultant note of it.

As for Ravens-Texans… uh…don’t Matt Schaub and Joe Flacco look like really fugly siblings? Flacco got the better of the hair genes, both on the head and the brow, while Schaub is generally just a better quarterback. Fair trade, I guess. In more indulgent matters, Ufford and I are going against each other in fantasy playoffs. I’m up 17 with the Ratbird defense (best available on the waiver wire this week) while he’s starting Boldin. With him against the extremely porous Texans defense, I feel no comfort whatsoever.

Ookie might have gotten his first loss of this season this past Sunday (sorry, the Redskins game where he got hurt in the first quarter doesn’t go on him) but he probably made the sickest throw of the season late in the fourth quarter, hitting quadruple-covered Brent Celek in the end zone for a touchdown to at least make the game close for one last onside kick. I’d still rather watch Vick play than soulless manufactured icon LeBron James get booed by a bunch of diptard Cleveland fans using ersatz Cameron Crazies chant sheets. That’s just me, though. I’m sure in the ratings LeBronnukah will destroy a barely relevant Thursday night game on nigh unwatchable (both in quality and availability) NFL Network.

Meanwhile, Asante Samuel is inactive tonight, which is a shame because I could watch Andre Johnson swing on him for hours on end.

The Texans trashed the Fat Humps in Week 1 with Arian Foster running for 231 yards and three touchdowns. Now Houston is going for their first-ever sweep of Indianapolis, but to accomplish that feat and secure sole possession of first place in the AFC South, they’ll have to tangle with

And that’s not all. Berman says Peyton Manning is “fully lathered” for tonight’s game. That’s right – Indy is bringing out their fanciest popcorn butter for this one.

And here’s my Designed Rush feature at SB Nation. Proud to say it’s my least defensive effort yet*.

*Highly defensive statement