It’s that time of week again. Time for me to open up the mailhole, jam my fist inside, and spread my hand wide like a Texas five-star. Speaking of which, I have a mailbag question of my own for you people.

You know that scene in “Chasing Amy” where Joey Lauren Adams’ character (God I fucking hated her. WAHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHH!!! HIGH PITCHED VOICE WAHHH!!!) explained that fisting counted as intercourse for lesbians? That always struck me as completely fucking misguided. It seemed as if Kevin Smith said to himself, “Say, I’m a heterosexual white guy. How would I have sex if I were a lesbian? Oooh! I got it! Painful arm insertion! Of course! Lesbians gotta love that.”

I don’t buy that shit for an instant, but I’m going to need corroboration from REAL lesbians on that. We don’t get enough lesbians writing in to the mailbag (I wonder why), so if you’re a reader AND you’re a gym teacher, give us the scoop.

Anyway, to the letters. As always, points awarded for brevity and sincerity.

Fellas,

I emailed you a couple months ago about a pregnant chick I started sleeping with.

Hey, I remember this guy. Here was his original email from 3/12:

I went to a house party last weekend at a friends house. She introduces me to her friend “Amy” and we hit it off. I noticed the whole time she wasn’t drinking. I asked her why and she said she was that night’s DD. Looking for an in I ask her if she would be willing to drive me home as well. I figured I could capitalize on this in later days. The night goes on, I curb my drinking a bit to impress, and we head home. She let me ride shotgun and took everyone home first. We get to my place and she parks and turns the car off. She asked to come in and I obliged.

We were inside for 5 minutes before we were making out and leading towards greater things. She is hesitant to let me take her shirt off (wearing hoodie), but her pants are off. Finally after being denied a few times she stops me and drops a bomb. “I’m 2.5 months pregnant.” She didn’t have a very big bump, but once she lifted her shirt I could see it. She explained her B/F broke up with her before they found out about the pregnancy and they aren’t together but decided to have the baby. I decide that if she wants to have a go I’m down. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. Not even close to the second best. I’ve been back for seconds, I’m just wondering if I’m a terrible human?

And the answer to that is: of course not. YOU didn’t get her pregnant. Fast forward to this week.

The child is not mine and the sex is still great. I’m just wondering if it’s like this for all pregnant women.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

We don’t see each other but once a week to do the nasty and that’s all it is. We had the “where is this going” talk and decided that when it gets close to the birth we should stop.

Yes, you should probably stop having sex after her water breaks. That would be prudent.

I’m just amazed by how good the sex is. Am I now the guy that can only get off to pregnant chicks?

I don’t know. ARE YOU? Let me send you a collector’s volume of the “Ready To Drop” trilogy and you should know very quickly.

I have not slept with anybody else in the last two months. Some of you guys have kids, was it like that for you?

Not sleeping with anyone else while my wife was pregnant? Yes, I managed that.

My roommate found out and told all my friends. It got back to a couple of people at work. Everyone thinks I’m a freak now, tell me I’m not.

You’re not a freak. And your roommate is a prick. This may be a case of you liking sex with, you know, THIS girl. Not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s her, and she’s hot and horny and blah blah blah. And if you feel like no, the pregnancy IS what really turns you on, then I strongly suggest you find someone to fall in love with, turn Catholic, and then get them pregnant 17 times. Banging every pregnant lady you meet is probably an unwise course of action. I assure you, not all of them are horny little jackrabbits.

Should the Lions take Smith at one and then trade their other first and their 2 thirds up for Sanchez. The core of J. Smith, Sanchez, Megatron, and K. Smith looks like a nice offense to build around.

Barefoot and Wishing you were Pregnant

That’s not a terrible idea. I think the QB’s in this draft are way fucking overrated. The Lions are obviously bereft at the position, but I’ve never understood the whole “you have to take a QB high if you don’t have one” mentality. At the very least, I think they should go o-line before drafting Stafford.

Hey Village People,

Sex first: I’m an immigrant to this country, and contrary to many of your regular writers, I had very little choice in a partner: my wife was arranged for me

Say hi to Manjula for me.

and though she seemed pleasant and smart enough, she was slightly, shall we say, ummm… plump.

No more tikka masala for you, young missy!

At that time, I thought nothing of it (sad fool, me) other than to expect that I would encourage her to exercise and all that.

To be succinct, how in the hell do I encourage her to do better?

You don’t. You divorce her and marry someone you actually love and are attracted to, and she does likewise. Your wife likes to eat. Hmm, I wonder why that is. Could it be because she was forced into a loveless marriage by her family, and a tray of brownies provides her a brief, if ever so slight, moment of happiness in an otherwise cruel life? Couldn’t be.

I’d like her to exercise and act sluttish, but she doesn’t do either and then I lose interest in sex with her and masturbate like a hyper monkey and this continues on and on. She does like sex, and has no trouble with orgasms, either orally induced or otherwise. Any advice?

Again, divorce. That’s legal in this country.

Football-wise, d’you think trading Cassell was smart?

Unpronounceable-in-Boston

They had to trade Cassel now to get anything for him and to clear cap room. But the trade is obviously a failure if Brady returns and still has injury problems. Only Belichick knows for sure, and I’m assuming he knows quite a bit more than I do about it. Seriously, though: get divorced. Or learn to love your plump arranged wife.

Dear Masters of Masturbatory Mischievousness,

First the football. I’m in a keeper league and have Marmalard and Peyton Manning. I can only keep one of those. Am I foolish for thinking Manning might be getting old/wanting to keep Marmalard and his wicked sweet floaters? Or should I just release Marmalard knowing full well there’s a chance he’ll decapitate LaToeInjury in camp and then have a huge season?

Yeah, it’s a tougher call than it might seem. I think Rivers will stay as productive as he was last year. Manning, on the other hand, may now occupy a role similar to Tom Brady’s initial years with the Pats, where he wins lots of games but doesn’t get a lot of style points in the process. GUT DECISION: Marmalard.

Now for the sex. Ok it’s not really even sex. I had a bit of a thing for this girl for a while in college. I told her one day and she basically told me tough shit, she didn’t have similar feelings. So THAT was fun. Well I stayed in the city where I went to college and she’s now a junior. We stayed on good terms even after I got shot down.

Why? That’s a complete fucking waste of time. Gentlemen, always the rule: If a girl rejects you, MOVE THE FUCK ON.

She invited me to an art showing of hers the other day. I thought why not, what could possibly go wrong?

Besides being stuck at some gay art show with a chick who won’t have sex with you?

Oh, many things. Turns out her “artwork” was pictures of her naked (great rack). AND her new boyfriend was there with her. Awesome. My question is, would it be too much/illegal to send her naked pictures of myself? I kid. Seriously though, what should I do about this that will result in me and my friends laughing even more and not at my expense this time? Thanks.

-Bones

Yeah, never talk to the girl again. Move on. IT’S TOUGH LOVE WEEK AT THE MAILBAG, PEOPLE.

Dear manic sexholios,

Probably like a lot of guys, I’ve queried my wife from time-to-time to gauge her interest in bringing in another girl (I mean, a guy can ask, right?)

If he wears leopard print vests, most certainly.

and while she always seems situationally interested, it never really materializes beyond talk. It’s really no big deal because we have a great sex life. So, c’est la vie. Life moves.

I don’t think you translated that phrase quite right.

Anyway, a few months ago we meet a new couple and became fast friends. They’re educated, funny, have a lot of the same interests as we do, etc., and to make a long story short…they divulged recently that they like to, uh, shall we say ’swap’?

SEXY!

Now, my experience in the realm of non-monogomy has been strict avoidance. This, however, is not due to adherence to a moral standard or conformance to a societal norm. No. Not at all. In fact, quite honestly the main reason is most of the ’swinging’ types I’ve ever run across are just plain ugly. I mean, really fucking ugly. So as far as I’m concerned the hippies can have their orgy elsewhere.

So here is the dilemma–and trust me on this–this woman is smokin’ hot. Off the charts. My wife also genuinely seems interested at this point also. So it’s been really tempting to try and move forward with the hottie but should we even consider this? Or is the clutch play* just to find the best way to get the other guy out of the picture?

I’m assuming your wife has expressed interest specifically because the other guy would be involved, yes? Frankly, it’s only fair that she gets plowed if you get to have sex with another woman. I think your wife-swapping thing is probably fun to think about as a fantasy, and a complete train wreck when put into actual practice. I tend to be fairly conservative in my beliefs about marriage. That is to say, if you want to fuck other people, don’t ever get fucking married. Because the whole point of marriage is that you don’t fuck other people. Watch an Andrew Blake film together or something.

Oh, also, after the off-season management debacle in Denver do you think Belisuck Jr. wins more than 4-games for the Donks this year? And what octane fuel would you recommend that would best incinerate my Portis, Plummer, and Cutlerfucker jerseys?

Sincerely,
headed-for-commune-living

I think 4 to 7 wins is right on target for the Broncos. I recommend straight gasoline for jersey burning.

Dear Gay Mafia,

This girl has some really kinky fetishes. She told me that she wants me to throat fuck her.

Jeez, it sounds so wrong when put that way. Cool.

She also wants to put her strap-on to use on me.

Whoa! Hey! Can’t we just stay on the throat fucking, lady?

I get the feeling that’s only the start of the weird shit she’s into. As much as I like her sexual deviancy and wouldn’t mind trying some new stuff with her, I don’t want to get in over my head.

Should I experiment, try talking her into doing more normal stuff, or run away with my anal virginity intact?

I’d only do what you feel comfortable with. If that’s not enough for her, tell her to go crying to her almost-certainly-dead daddy.

Football – Who will have the better season this year: Cutlerfucker or Neckbeard?

Cutler. Better QB. Better defense. Better run game supporting him. Better throat fucker.

Sex: There has been plenty of e-mails concerning the fucking of friends’ ex-es, so just for fun, I think I’ll share my story. I fucked a friend’s ex-girlfriend. On Valentine’s Day.

Romantic.

And she had been with him earlier that day. No, not “been with him” as in fucked him. She went to lunch with him and her family (holy shit, i think that’s worse).

It is worse. Why was he lunching with her family?

He also somehow became suspicious, and when he confronted me about it, I denied it like a bitch! In my defense, he wasn’t really my friend; he was more friend of a friend. We rarely hung out, and when we did, it was through our mutual friend. Furthermore, this girl was a virgin when I fucked her. I don’t know if that makes it more or less shitty. Am I the worst friend ever?

How can you be a bad friend to someone you admit you aren’t friends with? Referee Mills Lane says: “I’LL ALLOW IT.”

More Sex: On a side note, I cannot bring myself to eat a pussy for the life of me. I just can’t do it. I’m not some kind of macho misogynist either. I’m just not at all interested or turned on by it. I’ve had pussy in my face and just can’t do it. I love fucking it as much as the next guy, but I can’t and won’t eat it. Am I the pussy, or do other guys feel this way?

Big Don says YOU’RE the pussy.

“I eat the pussy. I eat the butt. I eat every motherfuckin’ thang.”

Football: I’m a Bengals fan, and this might just be the homer in me, but I think Carson Palmer is fucking great. As in “capable of being just as good as Manning or Brady” great, and it pisses me off that this guy’s talent is being wasted on such a shitty team. Is there any chance this perennial disappointment of a team can turn it around in the Palmer era, or is he doomed?

It’s a goddamn tragedy. I too think Palmer is a great QB, but Mike Brown has gone back to being a cheapskate, letting Housh walk and refusing to fire Marvin Lewis to buy out his contract. It’s a waste of an otherwise promising career. I feel for you, brutha. I really do. Now go bang your non-friend’s ladyfriend.

Dear Gay Mafia,

I’ve written to Dear Prudence at Slate, but that bitch doesn’t respond, so I come to you for help. My wife is in jail (2 months now) for money laundering and it looks like she’s getting 4 years.

Best letter ever? Best letter ever.

Conjugal visits don’t seem to be anywhere in the prison handbook, and there isn’t a chance in hell I’m waiting 4 years. What’s the best way to let her know that I have to take care of business elsewhere while she’s in the clink?

By having your divorce lawyer visit her.

Also based on all the shit she’s put our family through, should I let her know she’s gonna be my sex slave upon release if she thinks I’m taking her back, or at least parlay it into alarm clock blowjobs for life?

Sounds like yours is a loving, healthy relationship. If you want to fuck other people and are merely waiting for her to get out so you can dish out some kind of sexual revenge upon her, I suggest no longer being married to her. Prison, like gayness, serves as a fair excuse to end any marriage. You rarely get that “end marriage” out so clearly and decisively.

First time in a Keeper Lg. can keep 4(no picks lost). T.Jones, B.Jacobs, Mcfadden, Fitzy. R.Moss, TO, V.Jackson? If I could trade any 2 (minus Fitzy) to get Slaton should I? Thanks for your help on all matters

Sincerely,
Just hoping shes doesn’t turn Lez

Any two? You’d have to be way more specific. Trade Jacobs and McFadden for Slaton? No. That’s dumb. Trade Jackson and Jones for him? Eh, maybe.

Keep Fitty, Jacobs, Moss, and McFadden.

Dear [Insert witty burn about you all being either a Steelers fan or friends with one],

Sex: I have a serious attachment issue with women. I hate my mom, have since the age of 10 or so while never really liking her before that, and now completely have no relationship with her. After several psychology classes, I think this might have something to do with my problem with women. Also, I do whatever I can to get with attractive girls (which works as I’m built well and sweet talk like a Spanish man in a romantic movie) but as soon as I get any kind of sexual, regardless of how great it is, I end up diving out of there like Cutler out of Denver. What the hell can I do to fix any of this? Note: reconciling the situation with my mother is impossible as she is bat-shit crazy.

Well then, you’re going to have to kill her, keep the body in your fruit cellar, wear her clothing, and spend the rest of your days stabbing motel patrons and burying them in tarpits. Buy hey, at least you aren’t stuck in an arranged marriage.

See a therapist, buddy.

Football: Why the hell are the Browns trying to trade Braylon Edwards instead of one of the two evenly-matched, young quarterbacks on their roster? Am I the only person completely crazy for thinking that Braylon is still a great WR despite the rockhands he had last year? And what kind of value do you think the Browns could get for him since they’re intent on becoming even more like the Lions by trading away any kind of talent? I suppose it’s just days until the Lions try to trade Calvin Johnson and forfeit their entire draft for an empty bag of Doritos.

Sincerely
Snow

Snow? Could have sworn Eminem wrote this letter. I don’t think the Browns should trade ANY of those players. Why trade Edwards when his value is at its lowest?

Over break I hooked up with a longtime best guy friend, for whom I’ve always had feelings. It was cute and awesome, but he’s working almost ten hours away. He said that he didn’t want to just be fuck buddies and if it was to ever happen again he would want to woo me first. But its not like he asked me to be his girlfriend or anything and I sort of made it clear I would be down for that. I’ll be visiting him in soon and refused sex with anyone else since him so I’m ridiculously horny and kinda just want to fuck him the instant I get there. Would you recommend waiting and seeing if he makes a grand effort to show his affection before I give it up?

No. I’m quite sure he’ll happily respond to your advances.

Does fucking him before pretty much guarantee I’ll never enter girlfriend land? And if I’m trying to make this guy my boyfriend should I shelf my urge to get tittiefucked for a later date?

You should run for President, lady. You really should. You rule. You aren’t currently in prison, are you?

No, I don’t think having sex right off the bat augurs poorly for a future relationship. Every relationship is different. There’s no set pattern you have to conform to. You like each other so much you can’t keep your hands off one another. Sounds good to me. Screw away, you two crazy kids.

And somewhat football related, I can’t decide what dish to make for my Draft party on Saturday. What are the Gay Mafia’s individual favs?

-Sad and sexless

Well, I like wings, of course. Maj likes pretzels. Uff likes chewing on desert sand. Punter snacks on mascarpone stoma candy. Ape feasts on bananas and self-loathing. And Flubby, as a Kentuckian, only snacks on horse jerky.

Yours in the comments.