Last week, we featured video of a kinky haired young lady professing her desire to make sweet f*ck time with the guy picked last in the NFL Draft. The video got play from enough blogs to prompt this follow-up, now that there is an actual Mr. Irrelevant to pine for, rather than just in the abstract. Well, as convincing as she plays crazy, thanks to the obsessives over at Off the Bench who tracked Brianne down, we know this to be a ruse and that she to be a comedian in search of a hit viral video. I’ll never believe in love again.
In actual Mr. Irrelevant news, it appears the guy picked last had already been in contract negotiations with the Chargers before being picked by the Colts at 253. Aw, it just so happens that this woman’s biggest turn-off is slight violation of contract procedure. You blew it, brah!
Did you guys hear? The draft was this weekend! It was such a momentous occasion that I pored over the results and graded every team wrote a SEO-friendly headline to post some draft videos. Up above you’ll see Dan Rubenstein and me goofing off courtesy of SB Nation — highlights include some fan F-bombs and me asking Andrew Luck if he’d been studying the Wikipedia entry for “Indianapolis.” (Christmas Ape was at the draft as well, and it was my original goal for the two of us two sit in the mezzanine together and make fun of the draft a la Statler and Waldorf, but he had the live-blog to attend to. A pity.)
If you’re still craving more video of deranged fans from the draft, embedded below are the adventures of Nick Stevens, aka Fitzy the Boston stereotype. It’s a bit long, but your patience will be rewarded with a Steelers fan who does a remarkable Joe Pesci impression. Also, there’s lots of swearing. Yay!
It’s Friday and all I want to do is nap, drink and drink, so in lieu of any long-winded speeches about what an honor it has been to be associated with these proper villains for two days, I’ll just say – thanks for having me, folks. But I do not leave these hallowed halls without handing out some gifts to you wonderful commenters. Nothing is free, though, so don’t think you’re gonna get some handies from me and never call me again.
Nope, what I’ve got is a whole bunch of With Leather shirts to give away, and it begins with that delightful Giants fan above, doing what New York sports fans do best – being pissed off for no reason. Seriously, was there anything better than listening to New York fans boo Roger Goodell and every pick last night? Trick question. Yes. When Jets fans chanted, “We want [Melvin] Ingram!” and they got Quinton Coples instead. Perfect.
So is this guy booing? Is he screaming, “HOOTIE!” for Darius Rucker? Is he showing Kate Upton what he wants her to do (ed. – Sexy Friday coming up next!)? Does he have lockjaw and require serious medical help? That’s up to you to decide. Fire up the photoshop and let’s have some fun with this Giants fan. My favorites will get free t-shirts.
I already got the jump on you guys with a few of my own.
(UPDATE: Holy crap, you animals. I’ll look through these and announce the winner(s) in this week’s Sexy Friday.)
Last night, during the first round of the NFL Draft, Rutgers wide receiver Mohamed Sanu received a call from a Bengals official telling him the team was about to select him with the 27th overall pick. So, Sanu was understandably surprised when Roger Goodell sauntered up to the podium and said Kevin Zeitler’s name instead. It turns out that Sanu had been the victim of an especially goonish prank phone call, as confirmed by his agent on Twitter:
Very cruel prank call to a Sanu tonight – very sad that someone would do that. My apologies to the twitter world for my tweet.
[phone rings]
Mohamed Sanu: Hello?
Voice on Telephone: [over background laughter] Yeah, hello. Is this Mohamed Sanu?
Mohamed Sanu: Speaking.
Voice on Telephone: [muffles receiver with palm, says "Yo shutupshutup, it's him"] Yeah, uh, this the Bengals. I mean, uh, this is Steve. Steve Bengals. Of the Cincinnati Bengals. You don’t know me.
We had drinks before the draft with Kobayashi. We’re not sure why this happened, but we appreciate Hugging Harold Reynolds for passing on this pic of him with Bengalmania (perhaps this wrestling-inspired gimmick was responsible for the WHAT! chants throughout the broadcast) and a photobombing Jets fan.
Very satisfying first round, all told. Trades! Roger Goodell hugs! So tender! So white! The Browns were suckered into moving up for no reason. Then they upped the humor ante and took Brandon Weeden, which will force a Colt McCoy trade to the Jets so they can have the most wholesome back-up QBs ever. The Dolphins took Tannehill and gave us a punchline for several years to come. The Cowboys did a cowboy thing and traded up for Mo Claiborne. The Patriots did two cowboys things and stopped following the Patriot Way of dropping down to compile picks. They’ll still be fellated for getting more talented on defense, though it’s not like they didn’t need that. Also the Eagles picked well, and that shouldn’t happen.
A lot of fun “character issues” players like Janoris Jenkins and Vontaze Burfict available for Day 2, so more fun with calling of names to be had, for sure.
That sound you hear is thousands upon thousands of mock drafts, painstakingly updated and agonized over for months by draftniks (I believe an old Soviet term for “asshole sportswriter”), becoming instantly useless now that the draft has arrived. The only thing saving any of them from being disregarded is the possibility of being fodder to mock a prominent blowhard for a botched forecast of scouting report.
A fine example is Mel Kiper comparing JaMarcus Russell to John Elway immediately after being taken no. 1 in ’07:
Tee hee. It’s funny because Elway still does purple drank to this day.
We won’t have the benefit of hindsight to laugh at the pundits this evening, so we’ll just have to settle for brainfarts not borne out by future failure. As well as:
– RGIII’s socks. Wacky, but also SELFISH.
– The Redskins trading the second pick plus four more firsts to reacquire Brandon Lloyd.
– The Vikings, appearing to be on the verge of a trade that still allows them to get Kalil and get extra picks, let the deadline expire and don’t get their first selection in until Friday.
– The Saints ambush and demand their confiscated pick be Frank Gore’s head.
– TANNEHILL WATCH: WHO WILL GET THE OLD MAID?
– Callous cheap shots about Maurice Claiborne’s intelligence.
– Janoris Jenkins naming his next three kids for the GM who takes him.
– Ufford, Zerkle and I sat in on a Q&A with Goodell at around 3 p.m. and he looked like he’d just been dethawed after being dead for a month. If he looks anything remotely presentable by the time the draft starts, he has better handlers than most politicians.
- O HAI black Staubach and white RGIII. The draft somehow brings rivals together and executes racial reversal.
NFL Network is the recommending viewing accompaniment, but we won’t disdain too much if you turn to ESPN for some good ol’ fashioned hate-watching. Someone has to keep an eye on Berman for pick-tipping so Rog can bleed the piggie out for violating the suspense edict. Anyway, let’s enjoy this; other than the spelling bee, it’s the last KSK live blog until September.
Joe Philbin (C) with the two guys who will fire him in 2014.
Life has been pretty tough for Miami Dolphins “owner” Stephen Ross (he still hasn’t actually paid for the team) and his prized GM Jeff Ireland as of late. Well, life hasn’t been tough, because they’re both wealthy men with awesome jobs, but their reputations have taken plenty of hits in the media because of a series of questionable and flat-out terrible decisions. And as the NFL Draft gets set to begin, Ross and Ireland find themselves in a situation in which they can’t do anything right.
If they draft Texas A&M QB Ryan Tannehill with the No. 8 pick, they’re reaching. If they pass on him for a pass rusher they desperately need, they once again missed out on a franchise QB that they haven’t had since Dan Marino. If they trade up to make sure they get Tannehill, they’ll be a laughing stock. Well, even more than they already are.
Ireland is perhaps the most criticized decision-maker since Matt Millen, and while it’s mostly deserved for reasons like asking Dez Bryant is his mom was a prostitute and sitting on his hands in free agency, Miami’s ineptitude is hardly all his fault. It’s actually the result of years of terrible decisions by coaches and front office schmucks like Nick Saban, Cam Cameron, Rick Spielman and Bill Parcells, among many others. But Dolphins fans are fickle. They want results now, and they either expect Ireland to produce in this draft or be fired.
Fortunately, as the Dolphins have allowed cameras in their war room for this draft, Ireland was also kind enough to give me a brief glimpse into his process for choosing a first round pick.
It’s been almost three months since the last liveblogification at KSK. I’ve gotten alarmingly sober as a result. Anyway, we hope everybody remembered how to shout things out all at once, because tomorrow evening KSK is bringing it live blog style for the broadcast for the first round of the draft. Which team will be pitiful enough to draft Ryan Tannehill in the top 15? Doesn’t really matter, but we look forward to laughing heartily at them.
Oh yeah, everybody wants to trade now! Schefter said so. No way smokescreens are involved. The ever-enjoyable fake Schefter feed is also hard at work, catching out Internet rubes with the report that the Bills and the Jags have already pulled off a trade. I’m glad that’s fake. Teams should never announce trades before the actual draft broadcast. It kills all the drama. Nothing’s better than when the commissioner comes to the podium and announces that we have a trade, forcing everyone to lose their sh*t. It’s the best.
Ufford and myself will be in attendance tomorrow night in New York as guests of GMC. Thanks, GMC. If I ever make enough money blogging to afford a car, I’ll totally keep you in mind. We’ll be on the lookout for mockable content to pass along, plus we’ll be able to hear live the very picks that you’re watching at the same time on TV. It’ll be exciting! You’ll have to let us know whether ESPN and NFL Network are living up to their promises not to tip all the picks. I expect Berman will only redouble his efforts at dickishness.
Since I’ll be in transit for most of the rest of the week (BOLT BUS TRAVEL NUGGETS TO COME), Uproxx veterans Burnsy and Danger Guerrero will be filling in for yours truly at KSK prior to 8 p.m. on Thursday and all of Friday. Burnsy is a Dolphins fan, so there’s a better than fair chance there could be several lengthy rants about Jeff Ireland and Stephen Ross should Tannehill be Miami-bound. We should be so lucky.
There’s a report going around today that the Colts have notified Andrew Luck that they won’t go back on their “Suck for Luck” campaign of 2011 and will indeed take him with the first overall pick. That would put to rest whatever iota of doubt that Jim Irsay created with his jackass Twitter riddles. It also means that a disturbing amount of Redskins fans need not despair that their RGIII vanity plates were acquired for naught.
But don’t rejoice just yet, because a couple scouts and reporters are suddenly trying to stoke the impression that RGIII is, in fact, A ME-FIRST GLORY BOY! Someone alert Gregg Easterbrook!
He’s got a little bit of a selfish streak, too. Everybody was laying on Cam, but for some reason this guy has become gloves off. He doesn’t treat anybody good.” Another scout also questioned the way Griffin deals with people.
He didn’t return my voicemail! HIS CHARACTER IS DEFICIENT! Of course, Cam Newton had plenty of these concerns last year, and he seemed to do all right. Nevertheless, the last-minute smear campaign is on!
I’ve heard these rumblings too. RT @evansilva: Quotes from scouts on RG3: “He’s got a little bit of a selfish streak.”
Peter King salutes your hard work in piling on, Albert Breer. No need to volunteer damaging information when you can wait for an anonymous scout to do it first then echo the same remarks. Lofty restraint-ology 101.
Ah, collector exploitation at its finest. The profit lizards at the NFL have done it again. Not only did the league create a specially minted coin just for the flip to decide which teams gets the 11th pick in the draft, but they’re apparently auctioning off that bad boy. C’mon, fans, it’s a one-of-a-kind piece. What if that pick yields a future Hall of Famer? You might conceivably only lose 20 percent on your original investment. Swipe up this gem before Mark Brunell beats you to it.
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