Don’t get me wrong, there’s no more exciting period in the spring than the NFL Draft, but once the draft is over, my time and energy goes to my second passion: ranking and grading the rising stars in the world of porn. Whether or not the NFL extends its lockout into regular season, the hard-working men and women of the adult film industry will be working harder than ever. And if you think earning a living in pro football is tough, you don’t know the half of it. Read the rest of this entry »

Thank God for the NFL Draft. Otherwise I’d have to wait until training camp to spend all day putting captions on pictures. There’s plenty of great shots to ruin with words, so we’re going to stretch this out over a few days. We start after the jump with a warm welcome to Commissioner Goodell.
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This gives me a hard-on. I could listen to NFL fans boo Roger Goodell for hours. Bravo, football fans. Bra. VO.

[mocksession via SB Nation]

We’re here to circulate all the lies that the Patriots have told to Peter King leading up to the draft. We’ll still feign incredulity when none of them come to pass. Because alcohol makes that fun.

What’re the chances that Roger Goodell opens the broadcast by bringing Judge Nelson’s head out on a spike, only to use the spike as a pull-up bar to further intimidate the weak-kneed players union? Absolute? Total absolute?

Join us for immature banter and cheesecake (in the soft porn sense, no punch and pie) set to the tune of young men becoming impossibly wealthy before our very eyes. Serious football analysis might be interspersed, but we’re confident that it will promptly be shouted down. BAHAHAHAHAHA NO LOCKOUT FOR NOW!

Oh, blessed day. The lone beacon of light between the Super Bowl and training camps. Join us tonight, won’t you, for an NFL Draft live blog. The action starts here at 7:45 p.m. Eastern. Bring booze and your deep-seated hatred of ESPN’s bloviating dickwads.

Name: Christian Ponder
Position: Quarterback
School: Florida State

Age: 23

Height: 6 feet, 3 inches
Weight: 228 lbs

Nicest comparison: A more cerebral Matt Leinart.
Meanest comparison: An autistic Jim Harbaugh.

Strengths: Three-year starter at FSU, Does not have red hair.
Weaknesses: Name insinuates doubt regarding the existance of a living God.

Relevant medical conditions: Suffered season-ending shoulder injury in 2009. Missed…the rest of that season. Suffered swollen bursa sac in throwing elbow in 2010. Went 9 months in 2008 without a single haircut.

Who wants him: Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Jacksonville, Miami, San Fran, everyone else.
Who will take him: Whoever wants a QB after Cam Newton, Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker are off the board.

What the scouts are saying: Accurate, strong footwork, will run in the open field. Actually went to class, earning his MBA before the 2010 season. Will play hurt. Likes to cuddle, especially after those long, drawn out arguments involving negligence of housework.

Immediate impact: Play charts will enjoy improved penmanship, possible conversion to Excel.
Down the road: Just a bursa sac away from being the next Matt Stafford.

Commence with the please-God-not-Clausen sweepstakes.

Finally, they found a way to take a perfectly enjoyable activity like watching the entire NFL Draft over a two-day drunken stupor and needlessly change it so viewers have to create elaborate plans to watch it in staggered installments with their friends. Better yet, they made it so you can’t even really get trashed during the most exciting part because people have to work the next day! Thanks, tardwits.

Maj, Punte, Andrew Dice Magary and myself are holed up in KOGOD’s palatial Bethesda, Md. estate watching the broadcast, so if the live blog suddenly goes down, you’ll know it was because of a runaway lacrosse game gone destructive.

With still extant but mostly discounted rumors suggesting that the Redskins could trade up for a quarterback, the Vikings maybe taking Tim Tebow, the Bengals eying add yet another troubled project in Dez Bryant and Ben Roethlisberger possibly getting dealt to some shitty team for a supplemental pick in the MLB Draft, there’s an outside chance you could be witness a mass suicide through the medium of chat. Lucky you!

Also, early condolences to the families of fans of the team that selects Jimmy Clausen. At least religious nuts can enjoy Tebow. Everyone hates Clausen (except Kiper). Occupants of said unfortunate city will stranded for months because planes will be unable to negotiate the looming douchecloud.

Via Rich Eisen’s twitter, we see where Roger Goodell’s face is going to be all night.

According to some guy on Twitter that no one has ever heard of, the scores from this year’s Wonderlic test have been leaked.  The Wonderlic is given to potential draftees to supposedly gauge aptitude and problem solving.   Here are some of the scores:

Sam Bradford – 36

Colt McCoy – 25

Jimmy Clausen – 23

Tim Tebow – 22

Some pundits are taking this to mean that Tebow isn’t smart enough to play quarterback in the NFL.  Pardon my French, but that’s a load of you-know-what.  Tebow is magna cum laude when it comes to “football smarts. “  These egg-heads  would rather have Stephen Hawking quarterbacking their team.  Gimme Timmy T any day!

NOTE: That’s right, I’ve returned to the site I helped found in 2006.   The guys told me years ago that the door was open for me to return anytime I wanted, but I’m pretty sure they thought they’d seen that last of me.  I had to leave for career reasons, but I am now ready to start anew.   Right now I’m poring through the KSK archives to catch up on everything I’ve missed.  It’s great to be back!