Let’s do this, Rex. First order of business: BOUNTIES. A fresh whore to the man who supplies a Tebow part ripped clean from his body. Gotta settle for Jenn Sterger if you only draw blood.

[Bays for blood while beating knife and fork against kitchen table]

Oh, you shut up, Breer. We only like you because you serve as a handy counterexample to Peter King’s overpowering nutmeg-scented laziness. Don’t you start telling us things we don’t want to hear. “OMG HOW DO WE PREPARE FOR A QB WHO ONLY COMPLETES TWO PASSES A GAME?! PLEASE, JUST GIVE US ’07 BRADY INSTEAD. ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

What is the Jets? AWWW ANSWER IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION BURN. I’LL TAKE TEAMS WITH A STUPID DRUNK AS THEIR GREATEST LEGEND FOR $1,600. Anyway, looks as though letting Nacho wing it around was still in the Jets’ bag of tricks. It might be in their best interests to curtail that practice. I mean, don’t let me tell you how to run your football team. Just a little input is all.

At least Nacho’s terrible timeout at the end of the first half didn’t come back to haunt them. Because the enormity of that particular mistake was obscured by a second half of mostly terrible football. But at least Revis shut down Welkah. Maybe next time they’ll find some way to keep Gronkowski from spiking the ball in their face a half dozen times.

Upside: a loss to the Patriots will get the Jets good and irate before a game against Tebow on Thursday. HACK THE BONE, REX, HACK THE BONE!

By the way, how was Shaq’s girlfriend looming in a chair over his head? Isn’t she about a yard shorter than him? I suppose with Yelp being as powerful as it is, the six phone books that she’s sitting on would be otherwise unused anyway.

The Patriots have lost two straight largely because their defense blows and the offense has no one capable of stretching the field. Last week, Eli Manning essentially replicated the game-winning Super Bowl XLII drive (MINUS THE LUCKIEST PLAY IN RECORDED SPORTING HISTORY ACCORDING TO BILL SIMMONS) and now the Patriots must travel to the Quasi-Newish Meadowlands to face their biggest rivals.

“FACK THIS TEAM! THEY AHHHH NAWT WORTHY OF THE PROUD NAME OF THE GREATRIOTS! THEY AHHHH REDUCED TO PLAINTRIOTS WHO PRAWBABLY EAT FRIED CHICKEN AND DRINK BE-AH IN THE HUDDLE! OCHOSTINKO DOUBLE FISTS FAHHTIES AWN THE SIDELINE. I SAWR HIM! CUT HIM NOW OR-AH TRADE BILLY B. TO THE CUBBIES”

It’s worth nothing that New England already soundly beat the Jets in their first encounter, but that was before Rex Ryan and Brian Schottenheimer arrived at the brilliant realization that perhaps the best course of winning for their team was entrusting as little responsibility to Mark Sanchez as possible. It’s called Tebow Tactics and it’s a proven godsend.

If only the Broncos had just gone ahead and traded Kyle Orton to the Dolphins, things might be somewhat better right now. Tim Tebow would have started right out of the gate for Denver – no fuss, no billboard bullsh*t. He would have sucked and probably would have already been benched by now. And the Dolphins would be marginally better at quarterback. Even if Orton had been injured as Chad Henne was, at least then Henne would be starting tonight instead of Matt Moore. Big deal, you scoff. WELL IT IS! Matt Moore makes Chad Henne look like Aaron Rodgers. This will not be fun. You remember that game last season between the Bears and Panthers where Chicago won 23-6 even though their starting QB, Todd Collins, completed 37.5 percent of his passes, threw four interceptions and had a QB rating of 6.2? Probably not, and you shouldn’t, but here’s a pertinent fact: MATT F*CKING MOORE WAS THE OPPOSING QUARTERBACK.

It’s all up to super cray-cray wide receiver Brandon Marshall to live up to his promise of a quarter and a half of amazing output before he does something derptarded and gets himself tossed from the game. Knowing him, he’ll punch a woman or something, but we’ll get to experience the shocking and disturbing moment together.

Did you know that Ray Lewis is America? It true. He embodies the best and worst within us all. Look at the way he hams it up during the anthem. That’s so goddamn American, whether he’s doing it out of pure patriotism or whether affecting said patriotism will make him seem more virtuous to people who need to view Ray Lewis as virtuous despite all that bad stuff he did. It doesn’t matter. Just freeze dry it, add a ton of sodium and sell it for $3 at Wal-Mart next to TGI Friday’s home dinners. Serves America.

Did you know that Ray Lewis calls his team’s offensive plays? It’s true. Cris Collinsworth said so. He’s become so bored with simply being a superstar linebacker that the Ravens have ceded play-calling duties to him. Why not? Cam Cameron sucks anyway. Those bombs to Torrey Smith the other week? All Ray-Ray. He also adopted a daring attack that would prevail despite Joe Flacco not completing a pass in either the second or third quarters. HE’S JUST TOYING WITH US NOW!

And Nacho is Mexico, clearly. You can see it right there on his mouth piece. He is a simple hard-working unskilled laborer who will grind himself to the bone doing the job that no one in the world wants to do (Jets quarterback). But that’s not enough to beat America. No, not yet. Not until he can breed himself into the majority (your teenage daughter).

During the Sunday Night Football Night In Redundancy Night pregame show, Bart Scott dubbed himself “The Mad Backer” which is just about as stupid a nickname as the “T-Sizzle” moniker belonging to former teammate and tonight’s opponent, Terrell Suggs. Not to be outdone, Terrell Suggs did what he does in preparation of any big game – he resorted to TEE SHIRT TRASH TALK! DOWN WITH HOMEWORK! DONE WITH HOMEWORK!

Ha ha, it’s so funny until you realize Bart Scott gets paid royalties on those shirts. (UPDATE: or not.)

Anyway, these two teams played a painfully sloppy game in Week 1 last year, so let’s hope for something just a little more watchable this go-round. Also, the swift end of Ray Lewis’ playing career. Not asking for much, here.

Horrid media tour appearances notwithstanding, Rex Ryan seems to be doing well with his new book. It’s holding its own on Amazon and is getting generally positive reviews. I won’t be able to enjoy it until the Japanese version comes out, then my masseuse can read it to me. Kiko gets so confused with all of the football jargon, but she really makes a go of it. Askews pleese. Wat ees kawterback? She tries so hard.

Anyway, there’s an anecdote in the book about Ryan’s arrival at the Jets’ practice facility in 2009, and I should just let the Examiner take it from here:

“The head coach’s office in the Atlantic Health Jets Training Center has this floor to ceiling window that looks out over the rest of the offices and cubicles. But when I arrived, the windows were all painted over.

I believe the people working there, the assistant coaches, the players, everybody should be able to look in and see the head coach; but for whatever reason, Mangini had them covered. I don’t know exactly why because I never asked him. I want my players and coaches to know they are welcome to come up to me at any time. I want them to see me and feel comfortable. Not only is the door open, the windows are open. I’m an open book for those guys.”

The windows are open, which also means that Ryan can see his players and assistants as well. No jelly donut is safe in the Jets’ facility now. Img.

My view of the trophy presentation. Just close enough to make out Nantz’s smug. Try to contain your jealousy.

My buddy and DCSN co-writer DixieNormess came through with a free ticket to yesterday’s game. First 30 minutes: WOOOOOOOOO! The next 28: HNNNNNNNGGGGHHHHH. All 60 minutes: [A noise approximating my balls freezing.] A couple Jets fans left at halftime, including these two old fat guys sitting behind us grumbling that fans shouldn’t be cheering because “we haven’t been saying anything.” Just a few less people barking in his ear during the second half comeback attempt.

Not watching on TV, I missed the two actual enduring moments from this game: Sanchez wiping boogers on Mark Brunell and Rashard Mendenhall smearing his seed on The Ben’s backside.

Watching the NFC title game in a nearby bar, I spotted this guy in what I can only assume is a customized Dirty Sanchez jersey.

One of his buddies told him a bunch of Steelers fans were burning a piece of Jets merch on the patio, so he storms outside and proves the fortitude of Jersey to Yinzer Nation by standing in fire pit a half dozen times. Fireman Ed certainly does not endorse such antics.

Oh, and there was a guy tailgating in a pink ape suit. I dubbed him Easter Ape. Color coordination alone dictates that this should be my lifemate, but I’ll defer to Mendy on this one.

The Jets went through the third-seeded Colts and the top-seed Patriots to get to the AFC title game. To advance to their first Super Bowl in 42 years, Rex’s pussytubing monsters of f*cking will have to get past the Steelers, the third and most recently successful of the AFC’s trio of standard bearer Super Bowl representatives for the last seven seasons. If successful, the Jets would have replicated the Steelers playoff run of 2005, when the 6th seeded Steelers also went through the top three seeds of the AFC on the road en route to Super Bowl XL. Oh God, all the undeserved credit that would be heaped on Sanchise. I can’t even imagine.

Anyway, the Jets beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh for the first time in the team’s history in Week 15, however the Steelers were without Heath Miller and Troy Polamalu, while Darrelle Revis appears to be more healthy now than he was then. Also, it was an entirely different game that has no bearing on what will happen today, so let’s just let it go already.

As for those who drew the likeness between Bart Scott’s postgame interview after beating the Patriots and a vintage WWE vignette, it all makes sense now:

In other news, James Harrison’s wish is to meet the Headshrinkers (Polamalu can probably hook him up).

An acceptable trophy for Harrison if he makes it to Dallas.

Enjoy the live blog run by KSK commenter par excellence Otto Man. I’m otherwise occupied freezing my ass off watching the game at Heinz Field (expected gametime temperature as I write this on Friday – eight degrees!). I’ll be carrying Rex Ryan-type bulk in extra layers.

There’s been so much talk about this game that I’m actually anticipating the game being over more than I am the game being played. But the tabloids would have us believe that this is the MOAST IMPAHTANT GAME EVAH, and no one’s going to tell them otherwise. Not you, not you, and not you!

Prediction: bitches gon’ get pregnant.