If you’re a Giants fan today, you’re obviously feeling a joyous amalgam of elation and disbelief. You might also be annoyed that the nut graf of every recap that you’ve read has said that the Patriots lost first and foremost. While it’s fun to twist the knife on the Patriots fans, who are deserving of every iota of grief they incur from this loss forever and always, it’s not reflective of the dominating performance put on by the Giants, especially their front four, which bullied and squashed what was exhaustively told to us was the greatest offense of all time.

Manning was the MVP, but Strahan, Tuck, Osi and Robbins were the Measts.

It’s Super Bowl time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the both teams for strengths and weaknesses. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Giants:

Everyone knows that the key to stopping the New York Giants is distracting Eli Manning. What they don’t know is that the best way to distract him is by kidnapping his imaginary friend, Moishe…Kevin Gilbride might be a brilliant play caller, but he’s a lousy gardener and a selfish lover…Jared Lorenzen’s bones are fucking huge…Plaxico (pronounced Plexico) Burress has an evil twin named Plaxico (pronounced Plaxico) Burress. One of them is really good, but nobody knows which.

Amani Toomer has never seen Kindergarten Cop so don’t even bother…Chris Snee is known as “Crocodile” to his teammates because his only friend in the whole world is an Egyptian Plover…Grey Ruegamer is urged by coaches to “get his mustache bloody” on the playing field…Michael Strahan isn’t gay, but he dabbles…Jeremy Shockey has an Eli Manning doll, but he’s yet to master the art of voodoo…If you say his name backwards, R.W. McQuarters will drop a the football.

Aaron Ross has been a new man since his girlfriend Sanya started taking him from behind…In addition to playing on the defensive line, Barry Cofield runs a successful accounting firm in South Hampton…Sinorice Moss is still waiting to meet Eli Manning for the first time…Kawika Mitchell dreams of retiring to open an eatery in Remsenburg, Long Island called P.G.’s Wodehouse.

Thanks, Mr. Radioactive Scout!

Greg Jennings: Gat dammit Brett, put me down! I’m not hurt, I can walk fine, you woollyheaded man-child.

Brett Favre: I won’t hear it! We’re going downfield and I’m not leaving you behind.

There comes a time in every quarterback’s career where he has to take his team on his back, Greg. Now’s that time for me. The wind’s to my back again. Me and Father Time done reached an understanding that I’m on borrowed time. I have the renewed purpose of a man who knows to value his days. To make it count, what little life I have left.

Greg Jennings: Man, you’re not dying. You’ll just have to retire someday.

Brett Favre: See, that’s thing: the day I retire will be my last on this mortal coil. Madden and I already have the murder-suicide planned out. I couldn’t do that, that life of the former QB, becoming some yammering old coot. My boyish heart of a champion couldn’t live in a dried-up old vessel.

And I couldn’t deal with Deanna. Damn, that bitch is annoying.

Eli Manning busted his playoff victory cherry last week in Tampa Bay and now Tony Romo’s all, like, “Hey, man. I thought we made a decision to lose our postseason winning virginity together?”

Then Eli was like, “I’m sorry. It kinda, sorta just happened. You can’t expect me to say no to something like that.”

Then Romo cried.

Eli has been insisting it wasn’t that big a deal, but Romo can notice the changes in him already. Eli’s not as uneasy around playoff games, he exudes a confidence he didn’t have before.

Good thing Eli is an actual sexual virgin or Romo would be really pissed.

I’d like to thank the Giants for pissing away their playoff chances for my entertainment this evening. Already, they’ve lost a linebacker and an offensive lineman. And a really, really dumb challenge.

Still, there’s something to be said for running into this brick wall of a game head first and trying to knock it down. Yeah, the task appears futile, but those in the vicinity appreciate the spectacle.

Worst upskirt ever.

Bob Glauber (not as mellifluous as Bob Dobalina, but close) is reporting that Michael Strahan has folded like a cheap pup tent and will slink into Giants’ camp within the next day or two– without the renegotiated contract he so desperately sought. I’m no Archimedes, but I know a little something about leverage. And rapidly aging defensive ends with ridiculously large alimony payments have no leverage.

Elsewhere in Giantdom, the Eli Manning-Tiki Barber catfight is reminiscent of the recent beef between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell in that we really don’t give a rat’s ass about either side and would be perfectly content to see all parties hop into a roaring fire. Tiki needs something to ramp up his transition from lousy teammate to lousy broadcaster.

On the other hand, before the 2004 draft– for what seems to be the first and last time in his life– Manning decided to play hardass. He forced the Chargers to grant his wish and trade him to the most intense media crucible in all of sports. Now, according to Tony K. on PTI Wednesday, we should feel sorry for Eli because Tiki is picking on him. Fuck. That. Noise.

Remember Eli, there’s much less scrutiny on the squash court.

The many faces of Manning: running the gamut from mild confusion to utter bewilderment. From the Sports Hernia.

A Random Number of Fast Facts About the Giants

-Eli Manning is such a pussy that team trainers give him a precautionary Feline AIDS test bi-weekly
-Shocking but true: Defensive back Aaron Ross has two first names
-Steve Smith isn’t that Steve Smith, he’s the other Steve Smith
-Amani Toomer is benign; dressed in rags
-Osi Umenyiora is Nigerian for, “Expires After Contract Year”
-Michael Strahan videotaped his wife’s sister getting naked but he really had his eye on her boyfriend
-Tom Coughlin refuses to deny the rumors surrounding his affiliation with the Fourth Reich
-Steve Mara once castrated a five year-old for wearing an Eagles jersey in his presence
-Wellington Mara is producing Biggie and Pac’s new duets album
-Ernie Accorsi tried to tag along with Tiki Barber at Good Morning America but the producers felt he was more “ugly” ugly than “tv” ugly.
-Brandon Jacobs and Ruben Droughns take bites of Ahmad Bradshaw when they need a snack between meals.
-Chris Snee is cheating on Tom Coughlin’s daughter with Tom Coughlin’s wife and the whole family is secretly dating Jeremy Shockey

If you are one of those contemptible “fans” of the Giants you might want to check out Roger Director’s upcoming book I Dream In Blue: Life, Death, and the New York Giants. It offers a unique look at the intersection of obsessive fanaticism, family, and career. If you have an unhealthy love of the Giants you’re bound to commiserate with Director as he follows the team throughout the tortuous and occasional tragic 2006 season. And as a Redskins fan I have a whole new book full of reasons to hate those blue-clad ass-clowns. It’s easily the second best thing Director has written; he’s also responsible “The Client’s Best Interest” which was one of the truly great episodes of Arli$$.

Robert Wuhl is a national treasure and fuck you for saying otherwise!