As you might remember, it was Vince Young’s preseason boasting that birthed the “dream team” moniker for the Eagles that has been the go-to mocking referent every single time the team has faltered in some way. And falter they have. Oh, such beautiful falterings. It’s been pretty fantastic, all things considered. And now it falls to VY to maintain whatever faint hopes the Eagles cling to for a playoff run. THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS.

Besides Ookie, Philly will also be without Jeremy Maclin, who was team’s leading receiver when the Giants won 29-16 in the Linc in Week 3, so this should be extra one-sided. Now seems like a good time to catch up with the new Zelda game that I could have been playing all afternoon.

Tom Coughlin: Win or no win, I’m still sickened TO DEATH with the effort I saw out there on Monday night. ARE YOU HOPING TO USHER AN OLD MAN TO SLIGHTLY PREMATURE GRAVE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? Third down efficiency is still an issue. We turned the ball over on the first drive. What we were, men, was lucky. Plain and simple. Take away the Rams’ stupid fumbled backward throw to Cadillac and that muffed punt and we’re good as baked ass out there. Sure, sometimes luck will go your way, but counting on luck to guide you in the National Football League is like counting on luck to see you through during a goddamn maelstrom. It’s dumb, men. Real dumb.

In fact, the only facet of the game where I observed real progress was within our opossum package. Grant! Where’s Grant?

Deon Grant: Right here, coach.

Coughlin: Thank you. THAT right there is a world-class actor. If I had any connections in the pictures biz, I’d have told him that I could land them the next Joseph Cotten. No way an offense is building any kind of momentum when we got this guy ready to suck the wind right out of them. A coach takes pride in that kind of thing. Why, we’ve been working on that day in and -

[Grant collapses on the ground to dramatic effect]

Grant: OoooooOooooOOOOOooooohhhhhh

Trainer: Deon! What’s wrong? DEON! DEON! Talk to me!

Grant: Ughhhh it’s my foramen magma.

Trainer: Magnum?

Grant: No, don’t shoot. No reason to put me down. Not yet. I’ll live. In fact, I think I’ll be okay once this 30-second timeout is over.

Trainer: Oh. Okay, gotcha. [Conspicuous wink]

Coughlin: All right, Grant, that’s enough. We know you’ve got the routine down. No one likes a show-off.

Corey Webster: I knew he was faking.

Coughlin: LIKE HELL YOU DID, COREY! 50 LAPS! LET’S SEE ‘EM, MOTORMOUTH!

Osi Umenyiora: Uh, coach. I get the strategy to have a player dive when the opposing offense has a long drive or has gone to the no-huddle, but what’s the point of having me faking recovery from a surgery since the start of training camp? I need to be out there. I’m a playmaker on this defense.

Prince Amukamara: Yeah, and why do I have to pretend like I’ve been hurt all year? I’m a rookie. I need this opportunity to develop my game.

Coughlin: What we’re doing is setting the table for the rest of the season. I can’t reasonably expect to have my players fake temporary injuries to slow other teams and get away with it all year. Eventually we’re gonna have to pretend one of them is serious. That way, we have our less talented players do it in the early stages of the season, then we take them out after people start catching on. Then, all of a sudden, we have our best line-up out there.

Osi Umenyiora: I guess that makes sense.

Coughlin: Glad you could see it my way, Osi. Now, what I really need to drum into your heads is – OH NO IT’S GOODELL EVERYONE BE COOL

Roger Goodell: Hello there, men.

Jerry Richardson: Right fine day for a practice, is it not?

Roger Goodell: Say, Tom, I don’t mean to interrupt, but might we have a word?

Coughlin: I suppose that’s all right.

Roger Goodell: Good, good. So… Tom… Jerry and I were just across the river reviewing some of the action from the weekend when we came across an interesting tidbit from the Monday night contest. And we thought we’d take the cart out for a spin and talk it over with you.

Coughlin: Was it when Boley threw the ball at that boy’s face behind the end zone? Oh boy, that was a hoot, wasn’t it? But I guess it was in poor taste, though. HEY BOLEY, GET OVER HERE WITH YOUR CHECKBOOK, DOUBLETIME.

Goodell: No, no, I’m afraid that’s not it at all. Though if he would like to fork over $15,000 or so, I wouldn’t object. [Laughs in a way that you can't tell if he's kidding]

Jerry Richardson: ENOUGH OF THIS POLITE TALK! YOUR BOYS ARE TAKING DIVES, COUGHLIN! LIKE A BUNCHA REGULAR SOCCERTINI-SIPPING HOMOS!

Coughlin: Diving? Come on now, this is football.

Goodell: It is just that, Tom. And we already get enough pressure from the labor-biased media any time a player suffers an injury. A report about how the game is unsustainably dangerous. How we’re not doing enough to protect their safety. Of course, injuries are unavoidable to a certain extent. We do what we can with public perception. But we’d prefer that we only have to play damage control with the genuine article.

Jerry Richardson: We want to know what you’re gonna do to make this right. That is, unless you want us to take extreme measures.

[Shows him a photo of two kids playing]

Coughlin: Why are you showing me a photo of Norv Turner’s kids?

Richardson: [Scans photo] AWWWW SH*T! I BROUGHT THE WRONG FILE AGAIN! SO MANY DIVES THIS WEEKEND! YOU GET THE IDEA! YOU DIVE, THEY DIE!

[A sodden thud is heard nearby]

Grant: OOOooooooOooOOoooooohh!

Trainer: Deon! Are you okay? What happened?! DEON!

Grant: Ughhhh it’s just … the long-term deleterious cognitive effects that result from playing a contact sport where savage violence and intense collisions are the norm… Ugghhhhh

Goodell: Oh no. This is bad.

RIchardson: CALM IT, ROG! HE’S JUST A-FAKIN’ IT! FAKER! FAKER!

Goodell: I can’t take that chance! Let’s get out of here!

[Cart speeds away at 20 mph]

Coughlin: We need to make this guy a team captain.

Degree of difficulty is exceedingly high, but keep at it, Michael Boley; you’ll get the guy in the orange jacket for the trifecta sooner or later.

Gif via @bubbaprog

We have some football on this football podcast today.

I had a chance to talk to Jason Sehorn last week; Sehorn was in New York promoting Captain Morgan’s 1 Million Poses. You probably remember Sehorn for his 10 years in the NFL with the Giants and Rams; these days he’s doing color commentary for CBS’s college football coverage. We discussed his feelings on Mike Shanahan’s handling of Donovan McNabb, his conservative political leanings, and what it’s like to wake up next to Angie Harmon every morning. No, really. I asked him that.

We also had a chat with David Matthews of Deadspin. He and I met Jim Bouton (BOW-ton) earlier in the week, and he taught us how to throw a knuckleball. I wish he would have taught me how to pronounce his last name.

Also, Amber reads the news, Old-Timey NFL Picks for Week 10, Shakey, and more.

Listen here or on the embeddable player, download the ep here (right-click, “Save As…”) and subscribe to our podcast RSS feed and HOUSE OF PUNTE on iTunes.

Besides the chance to see the ol’ Double-J seethe outwardly, I need the Giants to win to make sure the goddamn Redskins won’t be tied for first place in the NFC East. “IT’S OKEE IF DONOVAN THROWS TWO PICKS A GEEM, COOCH, HE’S A WINNER! DEANGELO HALL WAS THE STEAL OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS!”

The Giants have been playing pretty well since getting pantsed in back-to-back weeks by the Colts and the Titans in September. The Cowboys, meanwhile, are in full-on meltdown mode, which delights me to no end, but is somewhat bittersweet since it also means no late-season collapse.

Okay, enough half-hearted analysis. Here’s a big tittied model in a Giants jersey:

Ah. Much better.

[Ignores game entirely so as to watch video on loop for the evening]

And if people didn’t get their rageboner satisfied by the previous post, here’s my Designed Rush feature at SB Nation. Feel free to tear it to shreds over there.

Way to close the Meadowlands with a bang, New York Cockface Giants. G-Men took a Snooki-like beating to Matt Moore at home. Honestly, it’s a perfectly acceptable substitute for a Cowboys choke.

[H/T - Gallo's Twitter]

Call it East Coast Bias, call it a predilection to avoid games that don’t matter, but it’s probably best for us to live blog a game with actual playoff implications rather than Monday night’s affair where THIS GUY gets to clinch the NFC West crown over THAT GUY. Instead, teams named from cities in New York and Pennsylvania with fanbases largely residing in the Dirty Jerz (F*ck off, Giants fans who try to claim the Jets are the trashy team with exclusively Jersey roots) do battle to take a division title that Dallas aggressively wants to forfeit.

Speaking of Jersey, while MTV might be backing off airing the now infamous Jersey Shore bar punch, we’ll gladly supply you with the footage.

[Note: The Mannings image on the live blog template is included because Peyton, Eli and Cooper are guest starring on The Simpsons this evening. I could have a bit part in an episode and I still wouldn't want to watch that garbage. What's amusing about that Simpsons book that came out recently is that they maybe found one person involved that doesn't admit that the show sucks now. But I still have to know what's with the green jersey on Cooper? Are they saying he was destined for the Jets?]

[Follow-up note: According to a commenter, "the green jersey on Cooper Manning was his high school colors at Isadore Newman in New Orleans." Thank you, New Orleans high school football mavens.]

In case one of you non-stadium-owning proles has been permitted to forget, this Sunday night marks the first game of consequence in Cowboys Colossatorium of TIXAS-sized BigBigness, appropriately against the Giants (WHO ARE THEMSELVES DWARFED BY ITS ENORMITY). Even though the game features two bitter division rivals presently sitting at 1-0, we all know the real drama will be whether one of the punters clangs one off the huge obstructing video boards, causing them to crash into the Earth and kick up enough dust to blot out the sun. Or maybe just result in an odious do-over. But, wait, there’s even more external drama! The game is maybe possibly blacked out! But that’s okay because the Twittering legion of millions will keep you up to date on all goings on, at least until they’re crushed by the video board! Why must this be so complicated when we just want to see Jerry Jones humiliated? Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Cowboys Stadium video boards__________________Jeff Feagles

Why is it noteworthy?

THAT THAR TEEVEE SHORE IS PLUM BIGGER THAN ALL-UH CREATION_________Never had a punt blocked

Has he ever had a punt blocked?

It can block punts____________________Just said I never had a punt blocked

Really?

Dunno. Ask him_____________________Uh, you heard me! No blocked punts! No way, no how!

What about the block in the preseason against the Panthers?

Yeah, what about that?________________________DOESN’T COUNT! IT’S THE GODDAMN PRESEASON!

Oh yeah, only the preseason. Sure thing, pal. [Dismissive jerking motion]

Hahahaha [Yes, the giant video board laughed]_________PISS OFF! NOT THE SAME! NOT THE SAME!

Compromising drawbacks

Possibly interrupting flow of the game_____________Denies blocked punt, causes tardwit Giants fans to wonder aloud if he’ll make it to the HOF, even though he’s a f-cking punter and no one cares

Do They Expect Monkey Punter?

NO! NO ONE EVER EXPECTS MONKEY PUNTER! Because he’s Chinese, and therefore sneaky. HE’LL BOOT A BALL CLEAR THROUGH YOUR GIANT VIDEO SCREENS LIKE IT DON’T MEAN NOTHING! THEN BUY UP YOUR COUNTRY’S DEBT!

Finishing move

SUSAN SKAGGS SEX TAPE! YEEEEEE HAWWWW! HOTNESS ON THE BIG SCREEN____Not. Getting. Blocked.

UPDATE: A canny reader, who, unlike me, checks into jokes Maj makes, points out Feagles has actually had 12 punts blocked in his career. Ouf. There goes this post’s premise. Avenge me, Monkey Punter!

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Cutler’s attempt to make nice, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC East, where every fan expects to go to the Super Bowl every year.

Read the rest of this entry »

BREAKING: PLAX GOT CUT! By the New York Giants, not by the unsheathed knife he keeps tucked in his pants, precariously close to his dangling bits. Ape’s already predicting Plax to the Bears, but something tells me Dan Snyder will be damned if he’s going to lose out on an available headcase to those guys twice in one week. [Sportsline]