In case one of you non-stadium-owning proles has been permitted to forget, this Sunday night marks the first game of consequence in Cowboys Colossatorium of TIXAS-sized BigBigness, appropriately against the Giants (WHO ARE THEMSELVES DWARFED BY ITS ENORMITY). Even though the game features two bitter division rivals presently sitting at 1-0, we all know the real drama will be whether one of the punters clangs one off the huge obstructing video boards, causing them to crash into the Earth and kick up enough dust to blot out the sun. Or maybe just result in an odious do-over. But, wait, there’s even more external drama! The game is maybe possibly blacked out! But that’s okay because the Twittering legion of millions will keep you up to date on all goings on, at least until they’re crushed by the video board! Why must this be so complicated when we just want to see Jerry Jones humiliated? Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Cowboys Stadium video boards__________________Jeff Feagles

Why is it noteworthy?

THAT THAR TEEVEE SHORE IS PLUM BIGGER THAN ALL-UH CREATION_________Never had a punt blocked

Has he ever had a punt blocked?

It can block punts____________________Just said I never had a punt blocked

Really?

Dunno. Ask him_____________________Uh, you heard me! No blocked punts! No way, no how!

What about the block in the preseason against the Panthers?

Yeah, what about that?________________________DOESN’T COUNT! IT’S THE GODDAMN PRESEASON!

Oh yeah, only the preseason. Sure thing, pal. [Dismissive jerking motion]

Hahahaha [Yes, the giant video board laughed]_________PISS OFF! NOT THE SAME! NOT THE SAME!

Compromising drawbacks

Possibly interrupting flow of the game_____________Denies blocked punt, causes tardwit Giants fans to wonder aloud if he’ll make it to the HOF, even though he’s a f-cking punter and no one cares

Do They Expect Monkey Punter?

NO! NO ONE EVER EXPECTS MONKEY PUNTER! Because he’s Chinese, and therefore sneaky. HE’LL BOOT A BALL CLEAR THROUGH YOUR GIANT VIDEO SCREENS LIKE IT DON’T MEAN NOTHING! THEN BUY UP YOUR COUNTRY’S DEBT!

Finishing move

SUSAN SKAGGS SEX TAPE! YEEEEEE HAWWWW! HOTNESS ON THE BIG SCREEN____Not. Getting. Blocked.

UPDATE: A canny reader, who, unlike me, checks into jokes Maj makes, points out Feagles has actually had 12 punts blocked in his career. Ouf. There goes this post’s premise. Avenge me, Monkey Punter!

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Cutler’s attempt to make nice, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC East, where every fan expects to go to the Super Bowl every year.

Dallas Cowboys

Five Fast Facts About Dem Cowboys:

• You haven’t seen Debbie Does Dallas until you’ve seen the remastered Blu-Ray on a $40 million television.
• The Cowboys currently have five players on their roster who attended directional Illinois colleges, yet there’s not a Saluki in the bunch. They have two from Northern Illinois, one from Western Illinois, and one from Eastern Illinois (the Harvard of directional Illinois colleges). Of course that list doesn’t even include Alan Ball who attended Neutral Illinois aka “Illinois Classic”.
• Wade Phillips is being forced to work for free this year after eating $1.5 million in pizza since the new stadium opened.
• Martellus Bennett isn’t from Jupiter, he’s from Lovetron.
• YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAW, THEIR OWNER HAS A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Cowboys have gone 9-7 in three of the last four years, so betting the push might not be the worst idea. But screw it, this is the year of the great Cowboy collapse and I’m getting in on the ground floor. Jason Witten is going to be blanketed by opposing defenses, especially if Roy Williams is out for an extended period.

New York Giants

Five Fast Facts About the G-Men:

• Steve Smith is probably the best wide receiver on the team coming into the season, and that is hilarious. He isn’t as talented as his namesake in Carolina, but he is almost as short.
• Osi Umenyiora wants to take a dump on opposing quarterbacks. Figuratively.
• Growing up in Alabama Justin Tuck was a fan of the San Francisco 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys. [throws book at Justin Tuck]
• Eli Manning isn’t the same quarterback when he doesn’t get his mid-morning nap.
• Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Okay, now that we got that out of the way how about shutting the fuck up every time he drags his old ass onto the field?

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:10 wins

Verdict: UNDER. Both the offensive and defensive lines are great, although the latter has been a bit banged up through training camp. The real problem for them will be the lack of playmakers surrounding Eli Manning. The secondary is able to play an aggressive style thanks to a dominant pass rush, however they’re young and largely unproven. Oh, and Aaron Ross is a big bag of suck.

Washington Redskins

Five Fast Facts About the Skins:

• 25% of all Redskins fans at FedEx Field believe that Chief Zee is a real Indian chief.
• The same percentage also thinks that Colt Brennan can be an effective NFL quarterback.
• With Colt struggling a bit this preseason some fans have shifted their allegiance to 5′8″ undrafted free agent Chase Daniel. Because they’re idiots, you see.
• Vinny Cerrato owns seven cats, and zero sharks.
• When I have a kid I want him to grow up to be Ethan Albright. Not because I want a tall goofy ginger for a son, but because the guy has been in the NFL for 15 years all on the strength of his ability to snap a ball a few times a game.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER. 8 wins? Choke on my balls, Vegas. One of the best defenses in the league returns just about everybody and they added Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo. Have you seen Orakpo? He’s like Predator in a jersey. Fuck. I totally forgot that Chris Horton already goes by Predator. I fail.

/homer

Philadelphia Eagles

Five Fast Facts About the Iggles:

• King Dunlap will eventually retire to begin his second career as a tire salesman.
• Ellis Hobbs is really an inanimate stuffed tiger unless Kevin Curtis is talking to him*.
• If you call LeSean McCoy “The Real” then you probably suck.
• Sav Rocca is going to put some serious dents in Jerry’s big TV.
• I’ve had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

*H/T to Ape

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER The defense lost their architect in Jim Johnson, their leader in Brian Dawkins, and their anchor in Stewart Bradley. Pssh, defense is overrated and this offense can carry any team to the playoffs. That being said, Andy Reid will find a way to fuck this up. Hell, he already started last night. Listen, Mike Vick is a backup quarterback. So stop fucking around and making Donovan McNabb share the field with him. Let Mike Vick get to the point where he can run the second team offense comfortably, then start fucking around with your oh so clever gimmick plays. Otherwise you’re just taking meaningful reps away from the first team offense that you’re going to lean on all year to outscore opponents.

God damn, I’m glad I don’t like this team.

Eagles image via Flickr.

INT Giants’ Practice Facility. Friday. 4:38 AM.

[Giants defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo unlocks the front door, and walks in]

Two more days of prep and then we face the Eagles. Yeah, sure, it’s only McNabb and Andy Reid that we’re up against, but you never know when those meatheads are gonna wake up and actually play like they’re supposed to. Nobody wants to be McNabb’s bitch, and it’s not happening on us this weekend. It’s our last day of prep today, then a walkthrough tomorrow. Game on Sunday. Time to get your gameface on, Steve. Get fired up.

Sigh. I’m exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about still being in the hunt, but I’m ready for a break. I’m so worn out. I haven’t seen my wife in a month. And I’m sick of looking at these same assholes day after day. I wish I…I really wish I wasn’t so lonely right now.

[stops at receptionist's desk]

Hey, there’s a donut left over from yesterday. Chocolate covered, too. My favorite. Wait, it’s not cream-filled. Still a nice surprise, though. Amazing that Coach Gilbride didn’t eat that donut and the box with it. Thank you, donut. You’re a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.

[pulls donut out of box]

Oh, my, donut. You’re so firm and [licks fingers] sugary. I bet your other 11 friends weren’t so sweet, were they? Hey relax, donut, it’s just me. Don’t act like you do around those other guys. Spags wants the real deal, you dirty bitch.

Tell me how you like it, you little chocolate whore. Don’t act you can’t feel what’s going on between us. As soon as I get these pants off, you’re gonna see a stunt package you’ll never for—mmm, there it is.

Damn, donut, you feel so good. I like the way your glaze flakes off onto my scrote. It tickles so damn good. Maybe someday you can meet my mother, and you two can talk about yeast and all that shit. Let’s go a little faster now…

Oh, God, donut, you’re gonna make me come. Oh, that’s it. Don’t — Aw, don’t stop.

Oooh, goddammit that’s it, you’re gonna…OOOOH GOD!

OOOOOH SHIT!

OOOOOOHHH!

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWWAWAWAWAWAWAWAW!

UUUUNNNGGGHHH!

OOOOOOOoooooooohhhhh…

Aaaahhhhhhhhh, donut.

Mmmmmmmmm.

You’re cream-filled now, you little slut. Tell Gilbride I said hello.

[puts donut back in the box]

Today we already were assured that we get our Marmalard-Cutlerfucker showdown next week for the AFC West crown (also known as the team that gets to lose in the first round to the Colts). Now we get the second of our one-seed Ro Sham Beaux, with the Painthers traveling to the swamps of Jersey to face the now-shaky Giants. With Brandon Jacobs returning, Elisha’s search for his Plax may not be as frenzied. Though if Identity and Theft can gash the New York defense like Tashard Choice could, it’s not going to matter much.

However, if the Simpsons has taught me anything (and it hasn’t), the best moment to come is when the Steve Smiths have a reanimated altercation over who gets whose grave. I can’t wait.

“Excuse me, I’m Steve Smith.”

“Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers?”

“My mistake.”

Giggity.

Courtesy Deadspin Weekend (click it or Maj will throw a Redskins-losing-to-the-Bengals-sized fit) is Cowboy Chris “getting in the head” of Ed Werder for the ESPN reporter’s habit of spreading lying lies that aren’t true about Dallas. Shouldn’t Mort really be the target of that sort of heckling? One day Cowboy Chris will track down the Dallas Deep Throat in an Arlington parking garage (Texas instead of Virginia this time, I guess) and get the answers he wants.

Just as the Giants were poised to be the team in the NFC East to collapse down the stretch thanks to an asinine controversy, the wheels are coming off the ‘Boys bandwagon by virtue of the usual assortment of T.O. backbiting and ineffectual coaching. Not quite as hilarious on its face as Plaxico shooting himself in the leg, but it has a heart-warming familiarity to it, like a chestnut of a holiday song.

But no, say Cowboy fans! It’s all an ESPN-manufactured controversy!

T.O. would never throw one of his own under the bus! Just like Peyton Manning would never cast all the blame on his linemen when the Colts lose. Careful, though, Dallas fans. Here’s what happens when reporters fight back.

It just so happens that the Ravens have won every meeting in their history against the Giants, including the most unwatchable Super Bowl ever. This year, the surprising Ravens are 6-3 (though the Dolphins are the only team with a winning record they’ve defeated) while minus Osi and Strahan, the Giants have yet to suffer the Super Bowl hangover everyone expected. Who are the difference makers driving their : a beetle-browed rookie QB and a measty defensive end. WHO YA GOT?

The Giants play an NFC East opponent for the second week in a row, and this one might even be capable of giving them a game. If there’s anything left to torch in the city after the Phillies celebratory riots, it might get it tonight if the Eagles can eke out a victory. For big ticket free agent acquisition Asante Samuel, it’s the first of many chances he’ll have against Eli, but the first since flubbing a chance to put away Super Bowl XLII. We here at KSK salute your butterfingers, Asante. If only you had remembered to bring them in Week 3. Guuuhhh.

The biggest problem with night games in Philly: No chance of Day Man showing up.

Oh, and a pic of the superhot Eagles cheerleader who forced a thousand people to e-mail me for a screencap after the jump.

H-E-I-L HEIL! HEIL! HEIL!

Jewish groups, fans in uproar over name bid by firm with Holocaust ties

See? Giants fans embrace their ugly stereotypes. That’s why we like them so much more than Patriots fans. That is, at least for another few days, until their gloating gets old and we wish them all dead.