Well, this has turned into quite the eventful day all of a sudden. Before we descend into the supreme joke fodder that is Tebow to the Jets, let’s make sure to give the Ginger Hammering the attention it is due:

Saints coach Sean Payton has been suspended for one year, former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was suspended indefinitely, general manager Mickey Loomis was suspended for eight regular-season games, the team was fined $500,000 and lost two second-round draft picks (one in 2012 and ’13) as a result of a bounty program conducted by the team during the 2009-11 seasons.

Looks like Payton is gonna have some time to heal up that leg. Jeff Fisher will have to practice his lofty meshology with a new defensive coordinator. Also: BAHAHAHAHAHA SO LONG, GREGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

As we suspected, the Saints are pretty f*cked for this upcoming season. Gotta say, though, for all the bluster that this was going to much more severe punishment than Spygate, I’m a little disappointed. True, the Pats didn’t get any suspensions, but in terms of picks, two second-rounders isn’t all that much worse than one first. I know the Saints don’t have a first-rounder this year, but the NFL could have easily taken next year’s first. I WANTED BLOOD! As for fines, Belichick and the Pats got hit with $750,000 while the Saints got $500,000. UPDATE: Mickey Loomis is also getting fined $500,000, so there’s that. But then fines don’t mean sh*t. Those are the biggest slaps on the wrist of all.

A Redskins Blog post about the 66 players being enrolled in this year’s NFL MBA program at Harvard Business School (Peter King’s buisness school March Madness pick, btw) featured a 2009 file photo of Drew Brees attending the program, which is noteworthy only because GAHHHHHHHH DREW BREES HAIR AFFAIR.

I’m not sure how that escaped our notice a few years back, because epic woofs could have been had. That’s a hairbortion that deserves a name. I’m leaning toward the thinkin’ man’s mullet: Emo in front, Steve DeBerg in the back. Thankfully, Brees has corrected it in the time since, ’cause if he showed up on camera when The Rog lays the Ginger Hammer down on the Saints bounty program, as he’s reportedly supposed to do later this week, it’d be the worst NFL post-scandal look since The Ben’s rapey cut.

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If there’s one thing we’ve neglected since the Saints bounty story broke, it’s trawling for some good ol’ cajun swamp rat outrage. Just when we were starting to fear that the only way to rile up Saints fans was to make off with MAWMAW’S gumbo recipe, our Uproxx compatriot and designated NOLA correspondent Cajun Boy brought our attention to a video of former Saints quarterback Bobby Hebert decrying Bountygate as a conspiracy perpetrated by a national media cabal that obviously is just super jealous of the Saints.

Also caught in his rambling crosshairs is Fran Tarkenton, who has an admirable knack for getting in fights with the worst people.

“Fran got no trophy, no nothin’ He just hatin’.”

Y’ALL AIN’T KNOW WINNIN’ LIKE THE CAJUN CANNON. HE WON HISSELF A USFL CHAMPEENSHIP!

Speaking of folks stupidly claiming that the Saints title is now tarnished, you simply must read this Florio post at PFT in which he talks himself into and out of the idea of the Saints Super Bowl title being vacated by the NFL. It’s the most Florio post ever, a masterstroke in the trollian arts.

People assume Peyton Manning’s neck problems were started by a Gregg Williams defense. Peyton Manning lost in the Super Bowl to a Gregg Williams defense. And yet, there’s Pey-Pey being released just in time to temporarily take some of the heat off of Gregggggggg and his many cohorts. What a class act, that Pey-Pey.

It was only a question of when topical news skewers Next Media Animation would trot out its take on GreggggGgggate and it is as satisfying as its release is predictable. Give me Brett Favre getting halved at the waist and you’ve got a happy viewer. I would have liked to see NMA Media take a note from PK’s magazine story and have Williams waving giant sacks showing three dollar signs from the sideline. Or maybe Greggg fanning himself with white envelopes like a Chinese courtesan, but I suppose this will have to do instead.

The month of March has not been kind to the Who Datters. It began with the reports that general manager Mikey Loomis was soft-pedaling the talents of his elite franchise quarterback and then proceeded to get exponentially worse with the fulmination of GregggggggGggggate. If only matters smoothed over, we’d assume that the team might be able to outlast this catastrophe, but, alas, such is not the case. We’ve on the verge on a full-on meltdown. In just the last 24 hours, there’s been a report that Drew Brees is “livid” about getting the franchise tag instead of a long-term deal. Former Saints lineman and fan base favorite Kyle Turley came forward to say that Brees probably deserves to be suspended if he had any knowledge of the bounties. And the team is working out Randy Moss, which isn’t necessarily a terrible thing on its own, unless the intention is for him to replace Marques Colston and/or Robert Meachem, both of whom could leave in free agency.

As you can see, the Saints are plenty screwed. But they could be more screwed. Who knows? Tiny Darren could be forever misplaced between couch cushions. Jimmy Graham may slip loose of the Earth’s gravitational pull by trying to dunk a football over the International Space Station. Tracy Porter could fracture everything actually attempting a tackle. What will put them over the top? We wait with bated breath.

Cherish these moments, friends. For this is the final Monday Night Football of the season. It was a fraught year for the primetime institution, what with sloppy blowout after sloppy blowout, Hank Williams Jr. getting bounced for getting Hitler-y on his rowdy friends and, to top it off, stadium blackouts. Don’t know what we’ll do without you. Maybe Gruden will actually land a coaching job before next season. Probably not, but we try to remain hopeful.

I initially figured that the Falcons have little to play for, having clinched the playoffs last night with a Chicago loss. But upon further investigation, it appears Atlanta can still technically catch the Saints for the NFC South title, longshot though it may be. So they’ll be playing in the Wild Card round regardless, but they could maybe host a game and spoil the Saints’ outside chance at a first-round bye. Ah, the joys of seeding. A shame they’re playing in the Superdome, where New Orleans wins every game by 40. It’s okay, though, because the Falcons have a really awesome conditioning regimen that eliminates injuries forever.

“I’m very confident with what we’ve been doing over the last three and a half years,” said general manager Thomas Dimitroff, who described the methods as semirevolutionary.

Quasi-innovative-esque! No wonder PK loves him.

What’s this? A Monday night game between two teams well positioned in the playoff chase? How many times has that happened this season? Oh yeah – once. It was Week 5 with Detroit and Chicago [Okay, Philly-Chicago is arguably another and the game itself was superior to Bears-Lions, but the Eagles are hardly a playoff caliber team, so there]. Better enjoy tonight while it lasts because it’s Chargers-Jaguars keck vs. dreck next week. Though we may have to do a Superdome repeat and live blog the Sunday night game instead. We’ll see.

Speaking of the Superdome, I missed the news last month that Mercedes-Benz bought naming rights for the once decrepit death pit turned renovated non-death pit. Awww, you went and got fancy on us, Saints. ANOTHER STEP TOWARD BEING REVILED OVERDOGS!

Longtime Bears center Olin Kreutz played at a superior level for 13 years in Chicago. This past off-season, he left for New Orleans to snap the ball to a good quarterback for a change. He obviously didn’t care for it, so Kreutz opted to call it a career this week. He cited a lack of passion as the reason for his reason to leave the game. Breesus has never suffered for a lack of passion, only for your sins, but he isn’t going to judge his team’s starting center for walking away. He knows Kreutz will find something else that makes him happy and gives him purpose, and really, that’s all that matters to Breesus.

As for this contest, hooray for second straight week of subpar primetime games! Did you know Drew Brees and Curtis Painter both went to Purdue? Sorry to spoil the factoid that announcers will use to fill dead air in a blowout. So maybe we will miss Fetushead for not being able to relive his Super Bowl XLIV pick-six heroics, but we’ll get by okay. As much as it was painful to see Tebow’s comeback against Miami produce predictably terrible headlines like these:

At least the loss keeps Miami in the running for top position in the Suck for Luck suckstakes. Have you seen the Indy’s schedule? It’d be pretty brutal even if they had Peyton. Without him, well, those two games against Jacksonville look like the only ones they’re capable of winning barring a complete meltdown by another opponent. Which is why we’re doing all we can to implore the Jags to roll over for Indy later this season. We’ll do anything! Buy tickets, jerseys. We’ll pretend like the team has a thriving fan base and is in absolutely no danger of relocation. All these things can be yours for two measly losses.

Anyway, various moments of lulz from today’s action:

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Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

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