Cherish these moments, friends. For this is the final Monday Night Football of the season. It was a fraught year for the primetime institution, what with sloppy blowout after sloppy blowout, Hank Williams Jr. getting bounced for getting Hitler-y on his rowdy friends and, to top it off, stadium blackouts. Don’t know what we’ll do without you. Maybe Gruden will actually land a coaching job before next season. Probably not, but we try to remain hopeful.

I initially figured that the Falcons have little to play for, having clinched the playoffs last night with a Chicago loss. But upon further investigation, it appears Atlanta can still technically catch the Saints for the NFC South title, longshot though it may be. So they’ll be playing in the Wild Card round regardless, but they could maybe host a game and spoil the Saints’ outside chance at a first-round bye. Ah, the joys of seeding. A shame they’re playing in the Superdome, where New Orleans wins every game by 40. It’s okay, though, because the Falcons have a really awesome conditioning regimen that eliminates injuries forever.

“I’m very confident with what we’ve been doing over the last three and a half years,” said general manager Thomas Dimitroff, who described the methods as semirevolutionary.

Quasi-innovative-esque! No wonder PK loves him.

What’s this? A Monday night game between two teams well positioned in the playoff chase? How many times has that happened this season? Oh yeah – once. It was Week 5 with Detroit and Chicago [Okay, Philly-Chicago is arguably another and the game itself was superior to Bears-Lions, but the Eagles are hardly a playoff caliber team, so there]. Better enjoy tonight while it lasts because it’s Chargers-Jaguars keck vs. dreck next week. Though we may have to do a Superdome repeat and live blog the Sunday night game instead. We’ll see.

Speaking of the Superdome, I missed the news last month that Mercedes-Benz bought naming rights for the once decrepit death pit turned renovated non-death pit. Awww, you went and got fancy on us, Saints. ANOTHER STEP TOWARD BEING REVILED OVERDOGS!

Longtime Bears center Olin Kreutz played at a superior level for 13 years in Chicago. This past off-season, he left for New Orleans to snap the ball to a good quarterback for a change. He obviously didn’t care for it, so Kreutz opted to call it a career this week. He cited a lack of passion as the reason for his reason to leave the game. Breesus has never suffered for a lack of passion, only for your sins, but he isn’t going to judge his team’s starting center for walking away. He knows Kreutz will find something else that makes him happy and gives him purpose, and really, that’s all that matters to Breesus.

As for this contest, hooray for second straight week of subpar primetime games! Did you know Drew Brees and Curtis Painter both went to Purdue? Sorry to spoil the factoid that announcers will use to fill dead air in a blowout. So maybe we will miss Fetushead for not being able to relive his Super Bowl XLIV pick-six heroics, but we’ll get by okay. As much as it was painful to see Tebow’s comeback against Miami produce predictably terrible headlines like these:

At least the loss keeps Miami in the running for top position in the Suck for Luck suckstakes. Have you seen the Indy’s schedule? It’d be pretty brutal even if they had Peyton. Without him, well, those two games against Jacksonville look like the only ones they’re capable of winning barring a complete meltdown by another opponent. Which is why we’re doing all we can to implore the Jags to roll over for Indy later this season. We’ll do anything! Buy tickets, jerseys. We’ll pretend like the team has a thriving fan base and is in absolutely no danger of relocation. All these things can be yours for two measly losses.

Anyway, various moments of lulz from today’s action:

Here’s Marmalard chucking the ball out of bounds on a desperation 4th down at the end of the Chargers’ loss to the Jets. DEATH FLOAT! That he comes off the field shouting at Norv is yet another blissful confirmation of everything we cruelly correctly assume about Laserface.

Matt Forte had an amazing juke on a TD run early in the Bears victory over Tampa. He followed that up by getting tackled for a safety, which featured a hearteningly malevolent “FUCK YOU” being picked up by one of the the field microphones. In my NFL, if you score, you should be awarded one extravagant dance routine or outlandish profanity. It’s only right.

The Vikings Brian Robison kicked Packers’ lineman T.J. Lang in the groin following a Green Bay field goal. Wish we had gotten player audio of that. In my opinion, “TAKE THAT, CHEESEDICK” is a simple and solid line for punting a Packer in the nuts.

Not carting Hines off the field in a rickshaw is pretty culturally insensitive, if you ask me. Even a pedicab would have been nice.

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

The Saints got their feel-good title last year and forever tarnished Peyton Manning’s legacy in doing so, and for that we have thanked them. But now we must insist that they have overstayed their welcome on the sympathy wagon and must please now fuck off and die in turbid water.

There has been a noticeable change in the Who Datters since getting their long-awaited Super Bowl. Whereas last year most of them were overjoyed that anyone was paying attention to their shitty team for any other reason than multiple shots of people in the Superdome crowd with bags on their heads, now those titblisters flip out anytime speaks ill of their precious Breesus or suggests the Saints might not repeat as champions. More than any other fan base – even fuckstick hypersensitive Colts fans – I’ve gotten more backlash on Twitter for cracking on teams from Saints fans. Maybe they just expect everyone to keep kissing their ass in perpetuity because some tragedy happened five years ago, but fuck that shit. You got your Super Bowl. Your city is “saved” now. Piss off.

It’s not like misfortune hasn’t befallen anywhere else in the country. Hell, Detroit and Cleveland look like bombed-out hellscapes and they didn’t even need natural disasters to get there. Where’s their sports redemption? And let’s just come out admit it: a good portion of the reason you still get sympathy is because everyone hates Bush and oil companies. You got fucked over by popular villains.

Treme’s fucking boring. It is. Sorry, David Simon fluffers. I thought your city was supposed to be compelling. And if the music scene is so great, why don’t I listen to anyone from New Orleans? Oh, you guys produced Lil’ Wayne. Wow. That one decent album he made was nice, I guess. Doesn’t he not even live in the city anymore? Oh, you got great jazz musicians. I’ll be sure to alert all the old black guys and the clove cigarette smoking pretentious white college kids.

I’m getting sick of Drew Brees’ “1…2… Freddy’s coming for you…” pregame bullshit. We don’t need a white Ray Lewis. And now Breesus has gotten dangerously close to Manning and Favre levels of announcer apologia for his mistakes. You all saw the Monday night game in Atlanta. Even fucking Matt Millen was calling Brees’ fuck-ups “Favrian.” “BAAAWWWWW GAAAAWWWW DREW BREES HAS AMNESIA HE DOESN’T REMEMBER HIS LAST INTERCEPTION OR EVEN WHERE HE IS WHEN HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING!” With 22 picks this year, Brees is gonna be glad he forgot about the year he turned into Jay Cutler.

I’d love to see the Saints get bounced by the 7-9 Seahawks just to see the gumbo tears of Nawlins as a bunch of newly cocky Saints fans piss and moan about how they got screwed by the playoff format. And this is coming from somehow who hates the fucking Seahawks. Don’t think it could happen? Shit, the Saints shat the bed against Arizona AND Cleveland this year. Remember when Hartley missed that chip shot that cost you a win and possibly your division? Glorious.

Enjoy your run at relevancy while it lasts. If it weren’t for the Miami Dolphins being fucktarded and signing Daunte Culpepper instead of Brees, you’d never have even sniffed a division title, much less a Super Bowl. That was a gift that fell into your lap. The Saints are too inept and mismanaged to stay good after Brees retires. Soon enough, the team will suck again and Tom Benson will restart talks about moving the team to Los Angeles or whatever other market is dumb enough to pony up for a new stadium. And the rest of America won’t feel sorry for you.

Players

Fans

Drew Brees HERPED and DERPED and nearly cost his team the game with Gunslinger-style behind-the-back shovel pass monkeyshines, but all was well because with Michael Turner being mostly useless all night, the Falcons offense couldn’t get anything going. That said, a Breesus victory isn’t quite as life-affirming when the announcers bend over suggestively to apologize for his mistakes, as Jaws did tonight, saying that Brees has “amnesia” and that mistakes, even mind-bogglingly terrible ones, never dog him. Someone will have to remind him tomorrow that he has more than 20 interceptions this season.

I haven’t finished crunching the numbers, but I’m fairly certain TEAM NAME is still in playoff contention, but the other TEAM NAME has been eliminated. Will the NFL have to change division alignment if a 0-0 team qualifies for the postseason?

Hybrid cars, not hybrid fans.

There’s no way Atlanta doesn’t greet Michael Vick with a deafening cheer if the Eagles have to come to the Georgia Dome for the NFC Championship Game. There’s really nothing right about this sign.

Looks like the Falcons cram all the costumed dorky road fans into one conveniently torchable row. They must promise free props from “The Walking Dead” set.

Eminently commendable, however, were the Falcons cheerleader camo outfits. I’d ride those tanks any day!!!!

/is crushed under weight of own awkwardness

The Falcons have to lose out and the Saints have to win out for anyone other than Atlanta to win the NFC South. As everyone knows, the city of New Orleans began its completely real sports-guided road to redemption when the Saints blocked that Falcons punt on the Monday night game in 2006, which is something Dirty Bird fans must never be tired of constantly reliving.

Falcons players themselves seem to be plenty tired of it, as evidenced by Roddy White’s New Orleans diatribe on Twitter last week.

What is it with receivers and blaming God for things? If Atlanta wants a championship, they need some sort of biblical disaster to unfold within city limits. Does “The Walking Dead” count?

Remember, this is the final Monday Night Football broadcast of the season, so savor Jaws’ further devolution into slavering superstar nuthugger and possibly Gruden’s final THIS GUY in the booth, at least until he botches his next head coaching job. Not that this is the final primetime game of the week or anything.

That ended up being one hell of an entertaining game, which is nice, because for a while it seemed like it was going to be nothing else but one long procession of slurping from Troy Aikman and Joe Buck every time Jason Garrett threw a challenge flag. I wonder why they weren’t whipped into the same sort of sexual frenzy when Garrett pathetically tried to fire up the crowd on a third down later in the game.

“I say, come now, sporting observers. Don’t make me cling a fork into my wine glass to gain your attention.”

Oh man, and did you guys see Roy Williams goofy simpering face after he got stripped by Malcolm Jenkins? I don’t care if the Cowboys held on to win; any coach who didn’t march over and dropkick him in the balls for that needs to be fired on the spot.

“Sheriff? So declasse. And be so kind as to remove the commoner’s prefix from the proud Garrett family name, won’t you?”

Dallas handed New Orleans its first loss of the season last year, which is about as compelling a storyline as you’re going to get for this game. Well, except that Jason Garrett has launched the Cowboys to the most masterfully orchestrated two-game winning streak in league history. The problem for the newly competent Cowboys is that they’re running up against a Saints team that seems to have put its early season malaise behind it.

There are reports saying Tony Romo could be back in time to play on Christmas Day for the Cowboys. Oh, what a holiday miracle it might be for the league leader in smiles to bounce back in time to cost Dallas its fifth or sixth victory of the season in classic December Dallas style.

“In the water-logged corner, wearing the Fleur-de-lis trunks and the creepy birthmark, Breesus “El Saaaavior” Christ.

In the bathroom stall corner, wearing the hypocycloid trunks with Choco Taco stains, the allegedly evil Benzlebub Roethlisberger.”

This match-up of the two previous Super Bowl champions would have been that much more enticing had New Orleans not spent the last month losing to Arizona and Cleveland. Nevertheless, it beats the hell out of Jacksonville and Tennessee as far as prime time games go. I fully expect the Saints to revert to 2009 championship form following an embarrassing loss to the Browns. So that should be fun, plus we all know a Saints fan will be caught on camera with a wildly inappropriate costume making fun of The Ben.

Speaking of, the Steelers’ last three weeks have been rife with controversy, what with Roethlisberger returning from suspension, James Harrison being singled out as the dirtiest player ever and the Gene Steratore making a bad initial touchdown signal in Miami. All three have helped to stoke Steelers hatred to near-record heights, but it’s the last one that has given comfort and fodder to the myriad conspiracy theorists who populate the dark, musty corners of the Intarwebs.

My favorite such rant by far came from mush-mouthed Philadelphian “master brain” jkallih:

In addition to wearing what might be the most outstanding torn-off sleeveless white T-shirt with a scrawled-on deranged message ever, he makes the following hilariously f*cktarded claims:

- He Googled “Pittsburgh Steelers controversial calls” and got 344,000 results. He therefore concludes the Steelers have been the beneficiaries of 344,000 controversial calls.

- All NFL referees are related to the Rooney family. More specifically, they are all nephews of Dan Rooney. I, for one, can’t wait for the story of Mike Carey’s conception.

- The Philadelphia Eagles are a class organization and have classy fans.

- A sepia colored upside-down picture of his ass is presented for kissing in lieu of his actual ass, because the genuine article would bring the hoes running.

- Only people who like fixed football games put French fries on sandwiches.