“Shouldn’t've ordered all that dick”

Which is only slightly less gay than carrying the dog around in this bag.

Even though we revel in bagging on the guy whenever possible, Simmons’ column this week was actually, truth to tell, pretty good and well-reasoned. That must be his first one this season. If you’re a Pats fan – and fuck you if you are – that’s gotta be a troubling sign.

But leave it to The Onion to trump him with the concise and very real insight into the minds of Pats fans this week. I’m sure Silky Garrard will receive only the most levelheaded and gentlemanly of heckling from the Gillette Stadium crowd.

Of course, I’m gonna go ahead and say there’s no fucking chance in hell Jacksonville wins this game. Are they just plain not good enough to beat the Pats? Perhaps. But more so because the league will do whatever it takes to ensure that the New England-Indianapolis AFC Title Game goes down. If this game is even remotely close, be sure to take a shot every borderline call (or non-call) that goes the Patriots’ way. Just don’t have your relatives sue the site when you die of alcohol poisoning.

AFC 1st Seed — New England Patriots (*-0)

[Jan. 19, 2002]

Phil Simms: A season hanging in the balance. Here comes the ruling from Walt Coleman.

Walt Coleman: [On PA] After reviewing the play, the quarterback went through a forward throwing motion, brought the ball back into his body, then fumbled it. Therefore, the ruling on the field stands. First down Oakland.

Greg Gumbel: And it’s all academic from here on out. Charles Woodson forces the Brady fumble and the Raiders fall on it. A fine season from New England’s young quarterback, taking over early in relief of starter Drew Bledsoe, but it will come to an end here this evening. Meanwhile, the Raiders will move on to meet the winner of tomorrow’s Steelers-Ravens game in Pittsburgh. And head coach Bill Belichick falls to 1-2 in three career playoff games.

[Six years later]

[Quincy Bean Cannery]

Robert: Ay, ay, loogit what I found in little Tommy Brady’s lockah. Under all the straaaberry rubbahs and pahsitive pregnancy tests.

Brady: Aw, come on, man. Stay out of my stuff. I’m trying to stay up on Manu Chao.

Mike: Bet ya’d like tah git ya some a’that, eh? Ya fackin’ Caleefourkneeah queeah.

I know I’d tear that ass up right propah. She’s good and rail thin, but she could benefit from having a little less of the ethnic in her, ya know? Waaaa’s she from, Brazil? She might be some jungle bitch a’ something. Have a caaaapybarrrra a’ something crawl outta the cunt. Like my dick should be wearin’ a pith helmet.

Robert: Ay, Brady. What’d I tell ya abaat wearing Yankees shit ahn tha jab? Ya think cause yoo use’ta play a little bawl with the Paytree-uts, the rules dan’t apply to ya?

Mike: Like the Paytree-uts are even a fackin’ team. I ain’t never even been ta one-a their games. Fackin’ loosuhs. Haaadly worthy of my loyal allegiance.

Robert: Face it: If ya ain’t on the Sawx in this town, ya ain’t shit, pally. If you play for the Paytree-uts, should should prahbabbly just kill yaself. Like that one colored who showed his face here last week and killed hisself by getting his car door slammed in his face a couple dozen times or so.

[both laugh]

Mike: Ay, Tommy. I need to see ya the break room.

Brady: [exhales hard] Not now, man. I’m trying to get some work done.

Mike: Am I fackin’ askin’ ya? Move ya shit, shitbawx.

Robert: You fackin’ tell ‘um, super Mike. Super Mike Forevah!

[break room]

Mike:[opening refrigerator] Those ya tacquitos right there?

Brady: [peering in] Uh, nope. Not mine.

[Mike pulls knife around Brady's neck and bends him over a table]

Mike: Good. So I’ll have something to eat after ya give up that ass!

[Pulls down Brady's pants and forcibly enters him]

Brady: [stifled screams under Mike's hand]

Clarence: Ddddrrrreeeaaammmmboat.

Brady: Clarence!

Clarence: What a horrifying turn of events. I can make it all as it was, Tom. I just need to know that you’ve learned the values of fairplay and humility. That you’re ready to stop headbutting your teammates and pretending like you’re a major badass so long as you have some Norse woodsman protecting your blindside.

Can you forswear the avarice and lustful pride that twisted your once pure spirit? And for fuck’s sake, are you done with the pageboy caps and velvet blazers, Nancy?

Brady: [breaths bated by the continuing penetration] Oh, I have learned those things. I am prepared to live by that code. I’ve changed, Clarence, really I have.

Clarence: So we’re ready then?

Brady: No…no.

I’m pretty sure I’m good here, actually.

Clarence: But, but, Tom! The accolades? The titles? The fame? The glory? The Andrea Kremer restraining orders? Riches attending a legacy that will live on for generations? Don’t you see a mistake it would be to throw it all away? All this you would abandon in favor of occasional coerced buttsex in a bean cannery break room by a galatically douchey Masshole?

Brady: That’s about the [winces sharply]…ooof, the long and short of it, yeah. I mean, so long as he shares those tacquitos.

I’d like to thank the Giants for pissing away their playoff chances for my entertainment this evening. Already, they’ve lost a linebacker and an offensive lineman. And a really, really dumb challenge.

Still, there’s something to be said for running into this brick wall of a game head first and trying to knock it down. Yeah, the task appears futile, but those in the vicinity appreciate the spectacle.

This Sunday’s game is billed as the last the Patriots have a legitimate shot at losing, even though they’re 10 1/2 point favorites and still have dried Tony Kornheiser spooge stains on their jerseys from last Monday. But in terms of gay mascots, Pat the prone Patriot may have finally met his match. Steely McBeam has been sculpting his pubic hair for months. He says there are some interesting topiaries down there. WHO YA GOT?

The Colts had them. Now the fucking Eagles had them. This team is mortal and afraid to run the ball.

Mike Vrabel makes this post 1000 words shorter

Good morning, football fans. We’re happy to inform you that our resident Redskins fan and gambling addict, one Unsilent Majority, is still alive this morning — if just a teeeeeeeeensy bit touchy — despite the Redskins playing the role of Monica Bellucci in Irreversible yesterday. In fact, he’ll be along later with some good ol’ homerade if we can get him to pull his head out of the oven.

In the meantime, let’s take a look back on Maj’s gambling advice over the last several weeks.

October 2

The New England Patriots are the NFL’s version of blood diamonds, they may be evil and tainted but they’ll make you rich! Richer than astronauts! Do you want to know how you too can actually enjoy the diabolical reign of Belichick and company? Of course you do! How else are you going to pay off your student loans from that semester at DeVry? Follow my three easy steps (plus one fuckin’ complicated step) to success and soon you’ll have a boat filled with gorgeous women like you were some sort of brilliant midget with a twin brother in tow.

1. BET HEAVILY ON THE PATRIOTS POINT SPREAD

2. MASTURBATE FOR 3 HOURS

3. COLLECT YOUR WINNINGS

4. EAT CAVIAR OUT OF A HOOKER’S ASS

Yep, it’s really that easy. Now go sell all of your earthly possessions (yes, your daughter counts) and take the proceeds directly to your offshore bookie of choice.

October 4

New England -17 vs. Cleveland
I’ve now increased my bet on New England for the third consecutive week. Now we’re up to a $100 wager, by the end of the season I’ll be living here.

October 19

New England -17 at Miami
Patriots–FUCK YEAH!

October 26

Washington +17 -115 at New England
I’ve bet on the Pats every single week this season so it’s been easy to tell what’s going on here. They kept covering so Vegas kept raising the spreads… But now the Pats are playing an actual team (disclaimer: team may not have actual coach) with a defense rated in at or near the top of the league in every relevant category. I’m not saying that I’m picking my Skins to win outright, but Jesus fucking Siddhartha, they’re certainly more capable than the incompetent pussybaskets of the AFC East.

Welcome back for another enlightening edition of Always Be Covering. Once again this week I have invested my own hard-earned (blogging at work) money in each one of the wagers listed below. Follow me if you want to live the good life.

Two straight weeks of profitability have left me drunken on confidence yet bored as shit. My 4-4 day was salvaged on Monday night when the Patriots easily cleared my “Ridiculous Line of the Week” and netted me a cool $40 (just enough to construct a prototype for my Bill Hobochick Halloween costume–bindle not included). This week I’ve decided to abandon the strategy of placing small wagers on half of the games in favor of a parlay and a teaser that will surely leave me looking dumber than Helen Keller with a mouth full of peanut butter.

2 Team Parlay: 28.52 to win 82.84

Pittsburgh -6 vs. Seattle
Houston -6 vs. Miami

I just really like betting on these teams. Both teams are coming off of their first non-covers of the season but they’re both a whole lot better than their opponents. The only way Miami could be any worse is if they brought Dave Wannstedt back into the fold. Ahman Green has been practicing and his step-father just passed away. He would have wanted them to cover. As for the other game–try to stay with me here–Pittsburgh is a lot better than Seattle.

Sometimes teases don’t totally suck.

3 Team Teaser (6 points): 60 to win 108

Arizona +2.5 at St. Louis
Indianapolis -4 vs. Tampa Bay
Green Bay +2.5 vs. Chicago

Teasers are really fucking stupid…UNTIL NOW! Look at those fuckin’ lines. Betting on Indy at home for less than a touchdown against a team without their best weapon while betting against Gus Frerotte and Brian Griese? It’s just like that time my golden goose had violent diarrhea after I fed it that violent diarrhea-inducing medicine. Then it died, so I gave it to the homeless.

Of course there is that other bet I might have mentioned…

The line changed a tad, but the bet is still worthwhile. I’ve now increased my bet on New England for the third consecutive week. Now we’re up to a $100 wager, by the end of the season I’ll be living here.

New England -17 vs. Cleveland

In case my earlier explanation was a bit too complex for you I’ve decided to put together a quick visual refresher.

So there you have it, you can either bet with me and get weed and sex or you can ignore me and die the death of a pauper.

The New England Patriots are the NFL’s version of blood diamonds, they may be evil and tainted but they’ll make you rich! Richer than astronauts! Do you want to know how you too can actually enjoy the diabolical reign of Belichick and company? Of course you do! How else are you going to pay off your student loans from that semester at DeVry? Follow my three easy steps (plus one fuckin’ complicated step) to success and soon you’ll have a boat filled with gorgeous women like you were some sort of brilliant midget with a twin brother in tow.

1. BET HEAVILY ON THE PATRIOTS POINT SPREAD

4. EAT CAVIAR OUT OF A HOOKER’S ASS

Yep, it’s really that easy. Now go sell all of your earthly possessions (yes, your daughter counts) and take the proceeds directly to your offshore bookie of choice.

This week the evil ones take on the crappy dangerous crappy Cleveland Browns and the spread is up at -16.

“But Maj, 16 is waaaay too many points.”

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING TWAT ROCKET!

There’s absolutely no need to worry. The Pats have yet to win a game by fewer than three touchdowns. You can’t lose!*

So to you New England Patriots, I offer up a cup of coffee. You evil fuckers have proven to be coverers of the highest regard.

*You will almost certainly lose

Though the matchup this Monday night hardly seems in doubt, what with Rudi Johnson ruled out and the Bengals’ defensive unit only showing up as a formality, if at all. That doesn’t mean we can’t comment on this special showdown of intransigent receivers. So, America, WHO YA GOT?

Bob Glauber is reporting that Bill Belichick has been fined $500,000 and the Patriots will lose a first-round pick in the 2008 draft. It could be only a second or and third-round pick if the Pats miss the playoffs. Fat chance of that, as the Patriots will now play pissed off for the rest of the season. A suspension would have been nice, but still– it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.