It is well within the realm of possibility that someone could deny this.

Most of you probably saw Donald Trump in Robert Kraft’s box last night while the Patriots were raping the Jets. And while I’m dying to give the guy grief for the world’s worst combover (or the best, depending on how you look at it), give him credit for braving the elements. This guy could have watched the game while wearing a coat made of Taiwanese immigrants if he wanted, but he’s toughing it out in what was surely a well-heated luxury suite with one open window. We need more tough guys like Mr. Trump in the NFL. And now here’s a video making fun of his hair.

Durp durp durp! Hey, isn’t that Tom Brady and a beaver playing football with some other white guy? Sorry, I can’t tell who that is; they all look alike to me. Except for Tom Brady, who has managed to grow an entire ten-gallon cowboy hat entirely out of hair. Great work, assbreath. What’s next, are you going to invite kids into your house and have them toss ping-pong balls into buckets from a distance?

Seriously, why don’t you just grow a little pervy mustache and drop a few ads on Craigslist. I don’t know, they could be like “Free Toys” or “I Play Football, Show Me Your Wee-Wee.” YOU’RE the child molester, child molester. You’ll figure something out, even if that something never, ever comes into the vicinity of proper hair care.

JUST GO BUY A GODDAMN WHITE VAN AND RUN A TRAIL OF CANDY INTO THE BACK OF IT, BUT MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY WINDOWS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT MOTHERFLIPPING ASS-FRO AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK SO MUCH BALLS TOM BRADY, BUT YOUR STUPID POMPOM LOOKS LIKE YOU CLEANED OUT YOUR DRAINS OVER THE WEEKEND AND DECIDED TO WEAR THE DEBRIS AS A HAT! DIE DIE DIE!

…you know, on second thought, it doesn’t look that bad.

Alright, Chris, my arm’s up, just like you said. Now what?

Now hold still, Steve, and I’m gonna slap your hand. 

Whoa, dude. You’re not slapping anything. Especially my hand. 

Stop being a wuss and just hold your hand there. Don’t move it. 

Are you gonna slap it hard? I don’t want you to slap it hard. 

I’m gonna slap it kinda hard, Steve. You’re supposed to do it hard. 

No! Why do you want to slap it?

It’s like…to celebrate. You hold your hand up and I slap it. 

But I was the one that made the field goal. Shouldn’t I be the one that gets to slap? 

But you don’t know how to do it!

I do so!

Okay, show me. 

No, I don’t wanna do it. Slapping hands is dumb. 

Quit being a little bitch and just do it. 

Why can’t we do what they’re doing?

You know I can’t jump that high. Do you want to slap hands or do you want a faceful of butt?

Fine. 

Are you gonna do it?

Yes. 

Are you sure?

(sigh) Yes. 

Alright, my arm’s still up. Now…slap it!

I can’t.

What?

I gotta go kick off. 

Slap my hand, Steve. Just hurry up and do it. 

I’ll do it after I kick off, I swear. 

GET YOUR BRITTLE ASS BACK HERE AND ACCEPT CONGRATULATIONS LIKE A MAN!

See ya. [Runs off]

Vinatieri woulda high-fived me. Faggot.

Not included:

“where Larryoke happens”

“where ratting out your dealer happens”

“where Senior Seau happens”

Larry Izzo hosts a karaoke event dubbed “Larryoke” and his Patriot teammates turned out in en masse. Since it’s for a good cause, we probably shouldn’t mock Wes Welker and the rest of the 18-1 choke brigade over this. But then Kyle Eckel has to go and do something like this…

To truly appreciate the hilarity, you have to view the entire photostream. No Brady, but not surprisingly, Matt Cassel is a capable substitute.

[ via: Busted Coverage ]

UPDATE: Commenter jm comes through with video goodness:

Pats starting offensive tackle Nick Kaczur got pinched in April for possessing a small amount of hillbilly heroin. Rather than face the music like a man In the interests of bettering his community, Kaczur offered up his dealer– engaging in some controlled buys while wearing a wire.

The dealer’s lawyer would have us believe his client is guilty of nothing more than being an overzealous, starstruck fan who warned Kaczur of the danger of his behavior. If he wasn’t charging him $3,900 for 100 pills, we might be more willing to believe the dealer was doing it out of the goodness of his heart. If being a snitch isn’t bad enough, Kaczur tried to run the okey-doke on the Globe reporter who broke the story:

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, bro,” Kaczur said repeatedly, in response to questions about the investigation. “I don’t know where this is coming from. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

I wonder if they had asked Kaczur about his team’s historic collapse in the Super Bowl if his memory would be so cloudy, “I don’t no nothing about losing the Super Bowl, bro. I’ve never even heard of David Tyree.”

Today is Patriots’ Day in New England. And as a testament to the fighting spirit of the revolution, the New England Patriots aren’t going to let something as minor as losing the Super Bowl detract from the marketability of an undefeated season.

The fearless muckrakers at The Smoking Gun reveal that not only have the Patriots not abandoned their quest to trademark “19-0” since the Giant Snatch, they have amended their original application. Before we dismiss this legal wrangling as mere wishful thinking on the Patriots part, maybe they know something we don’t. Maybe the stinging defeat at the hands of the Giants caused Bill Belichick to redouble his resolve to build the Patriots into an unstoppable gridiron juggernaut that will finish the 2008 season without a blemish. Or maybe Belichick has added Doc Brown and Professor Peabody to the coaching staff and plans on tearing the space/time continuum asunder. Only time will tell.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/04/patriots%e2%80%99-day-more-like-patriots%e2%80%99-gay.html/feed 15 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/02/this-goes-deeper-than-we-ever-thought.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/02/this-goes-deeper-than-we-ever-thought.html#comments Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:20:00 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/02/this-goes-deeper-than-we-ever-thought.html
[int. Robert Kraft's office]

Bob: Oh boy, that was some wicked good chowdah!

[door flies open]

Bill: Hey shitstain we need to talk, so quit licking that fucking bowl and listen up.

Bob: Hi Bill, I take it you’re still steamed about that Super Bowl?

Bill: Shut up you dumb fruit, we have more important things to worry about than a game.

Bob: What could be more important than the Super Bowl?

Bill: You know god damn well that I’m talking about out little “weekend research project“.

Bob: I’m sorry Bill, but I’m afraid I’m not sure what you are referring to. If you’ve gone and done something to get yourself into trouble then I am sorry, but I have nothing to do with any of that business.

Bill: Like hell you don’t, you froggy throated nancy boy! Don’t forget, those are your signatures on the checks made out to Walsh and Beeks.

Bob: Hey, you hired the guys. I’m the happy-go-lucky executive, and you’re the evil genius at the controls. Just ask the media.

Bill: You son of a bitch, you can’t set me up to take the fall. I’d sooner lose with dignity than to go down alone.

Bob: Don’t worry Bill, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Bill: So what do you suggest?

Bob: Well that all depends on how far you’re willing to go, my friend.

Bill: Are you talking about a bit of wetwork?

Bob: Well, we have to do whatever it takes to keep this thing from unraveling any further.

Bill: You know me Bob, I’ll strangle the life out of an orphan if he slows me down on the sidewalk.

Bob: Excellent, because I don’t need to tell you what happens if any of this comes back to Mother Russia.

[hidden door swings open]

Vlad: No, we certainly can’t have that. Eliminate the short one and the others will fall in place.

Bill and Bob: YES SIR!

What’s this you’re showing me?

Sharp stick in the what? Eye?

Ouf. Hmm. Does look kinda painful. Awful pointy, too. And my eye? Really? Sounds like that might hurt. Couldn’t just jam it under my shoulder blade, huh? Okay, I suppose those are the rules. I do have two eyes, after all. And fuck pulling for Brady, Welkaaaaah, HGHarrison, Belicheat and Kool Aid. And fuck Marmalard, Norval, The Gigantosaur and whiny ass LT. Cromartie’s kinda cool, but whatever.

[Piercing screams]

Whooo. Ahhhh. Omigodomigodomigod. That hurts like shit. But, y’know: It’s not so bad, all things considered. Much better than that Chargers-Patriots shit.

Update: I was thrown out of the Patriots bar because I was the only one rooting against the Patriots. What sorry pathetic bitches you Pats fans are.