Wow. Big-time mailbag today, people. We’ve got some seriously inexperienced readers in need of equally serious help. With the exception of one guy who married a slut, pretty much everyone is at the “crawl” stage today.
But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the guy who married a slut. I would’ve liked him to do better for himself.
What with me devoting all my time to paying attention to TV news these days, I’m of course aware that tonight is the two-hour series finale of the much-beloved re-imagining of “Battlestar Galactica.” Having seen enough of it over the last couple years, I can assure you that the nerds who tell you that “It’s great, it’s not just sci-fi!” are largely correct: it’s a well-acted and smartly written show for ANY genre (even if the plot has devolved into “Everyone’s a cylon!”).
And yes, it’s got plenty of eye candy: For the ladies, there’s plenty of Edward James Olmos (RAWR!) and Jamie Bamber as Lee Adama. And in the T&A category, we get Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, and Katee Sackhoff. So long, ladies. We’ll always have you on DVD.
[More at Gunaxin]
SCENE: An alternate 2009. Thanks to the widespread success of fantasy football, a distracted populace has elected George Bush to a third term as President. However, tension is mounting between the NFL and its players’ union, and if the two sides can’t come to an agreement soon, the 2009 season will be lost. Aaron Schatz and his team of Football Outsiders have placed the NFL Doomsday Clock at five minutes ’til midnight…
VOICEOVER: “Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. The Internet.
“On Friday night, an All-Pro died. Jared Allen. The Comedian.
“A dangerous drunk. Unpredictable. But one of the best. His head disappeared inside his body when he hit the pavement.
“Someone’s killing All-Pros. Have to find out why. Have to find out WHO. Have to warn the others. Will go to the Nite Cardinal first.”
Very Deep Announcer Voice: Tonight… They were just ordinary people…
Claire: God, I feel so ordinary despite my flawless skin and supple curves. I always felt like I was destined for something more…
Very Deep Announcer Voice: Who discovered they had EXTRAORDINARY powers…
Claire: Holy shit! I can heal! And this season I turn into an even HOTTER future self! Without a douchebag flying emo boyfriend! GO CLAIRE!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: Powers they can only begin to even comprehend…
Peter Petrelli: My God! I can absorb anyone else’s powers! Except for the ability to turn in a credible acting performance!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: And tonight, they discover they are not alone…
Hey, it’s a match-up for former number 1 picks who actually panned out into pretty good players. What’s more, it’s a situation in which the two players actually interact with one another, not like when two superstar players who both play offense or defense happen to be in the same game and we have to pretend one’s performance can affect the other. Hey, look Purple Jesus put 125 on the ‘Skins. He totally shut down Clinton Portis! Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Mario Williams_______Peyton Manning
No. 1 pick of
2006 NFL Draft_______Unimaginative advertisers everywhere
Power ups
Stars, mushrooms, flowers, construda__Gesturing frantically at line, buttsecks
Helped by
Warp pipe to quarterback_______Hiding in Elisha Koopa’s squash fortress
Made famous by
Being better than Reggie Bush___Sticking Captain N’s light gun up his chute
Rides
Kart________Chesney, on a cart
Can fly if
Wears a yellow cape_______Loafers get light enough
Favorite environment
Water level__________Fire (Island) level
Finishing move
Saves princess___________Surgery to become princess
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