Mrs. York, the assembled personnel department of the San Francisco 49ers: I would like to thank you for affording me this opportunity and for indulging my transporting here from the Skywalker Ranch via pod racer. I can say unequivocally that the gesture is truly wizard.

No doubt you were impressed by the worldwide box office success of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, for which I held an executive producing credit and a browbeating my friend Steven Spielberg with insipid ideas credit. That scene with Shia and the monkeys? All Lucas, baby. The Young Turks live on!

I know that you, Mrs. York, do not have an affinity for the sport of football. Neither do I. Nor do I enjoy making movies. They get in the way of my amazing CGI monkeys. But I know what makes them sing. If there are clear lessons to be gleaned from the latest Indy, the public clamors voraciously with two things: the 1950s and space aliens.

Urp.

Ah, excuse me. Yes, I’ve had industrial Light and Magic change my otherwise distasteful sounding bodily emissions into Star Wars effects. Very, very wizard.

[Passes wind]

Where was I? Oh, yes – the ’50s and space aliens. Is it possible for you to outfit your players in leather jackets and give them a large supply of combs with which to correct their cowlicks after each play? You saw how butch it made Shai look. He was a real greaser, that LaBeouf. Did you know I made American Graffiti? And that it’s a cinematic treasure beyond compare? Believe me, your fans will find it most wizard. Or, should I say, retro wizard.

About those fans, you won’t need them! All you’ll need to do is wrap the stadium in blue screen and there will be a veritable panoply of interesting alien races cheering on the game. You’ll have Ewoks, Tusken Raiders, a whole clan of cheering rhesus monkeys, the shebang. I’ll even add Chewbacca in there as a subtle nod to the hardcore fans. In the owner’s box: Watto. Get it? Because he resembles a Jew!

The only caveat with this is that you mustn’t air any games live. Makes it difficult on the animators. Post-production takes time, baby.

And stop wasting your money on new players! Crowds feed off nostalgia. You know 32 percent of the Indy movie is lingering shots of his hat, visual references to the past movies and glimpses of the Ark of the Covenant.

Keep doing what’s worked in the past. What do Niners fans like? The Catch? Well, keep running that play, dummy. Addlebrained reviewers said Kingdom of the Crystal Skull transported them back to their childhood. Well, of course it did – it had the exact same ending as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, just with aliens. Beautiful CGI aliens.

[Cackles]