It’s a rare NFL Sunday when the late-afternoon slate is more attractive than the early games, but this week’s schedule is back-loaded with games fraught with playoff implications. Perhaps the most intriguing is the Chiefs’ opportunity to prevent the Broncos from capturing the AFC West. Former Bronco quarterback Kyle Orton returns in hopes of exacting Kill Bill-level revenge upon his usurper, Tim Tebow.

As you can see, Orton is up to the challenge…

In other action, the Bengals host the Ravens in the battle for a Cincinnati playoff bid. In honor of the occasion, here’s a gingerbread representation of Paul Brown Stadium.

Sprinkles represent the fans. They used too many sprinkles.

Here’s the rest of today’s slate rated on the patented 4-star system that hates meaningless football…

Kansas City at Denver ★★★
Tampa Bay at Atlanta ★
Baltimore at Cincinnati ★★★
Pittsburgh at Cleveland ★★
San Diego at Oakland ★★★★
Seattle at Arizona (If this is your only football option, we humbly suggest the Twilight Zone marathon SyFy.)

[ video via, image via ]

Credit to the Something Awful forums

For the second time in the first six weeks of the season, MNF announcers have pronounced a starting QB to be “leading the league in grit.” First, it was Jake Delhomme against Dallas. Tonight, it was Marmalard against Denver. Of course, both quarterbacks suffered gruesome defeat, so we can conclude grit not only amounts to unbearable whiteness, but suckitude as well.

Even resorting to two-handed granny floats wasn’t enough to ensure victory on this night for Marmalard. Not with Eddie Royal’s zero catches capturing everyone’s attention. Seriously, I look at the stat sheet and I can’t understand the hubbub.

“We lost? Man, the dudes at the skate park are gonna give me so much grief for leaving two-thirds of my hair its regular color. I gotta break my rape cherry and quick.”

Nice facepaint application, toothless bro. Be advised that fake dreads bro looks like he wants to drop epic slammage on your be-blued visage.

Jester caps were highly in evidence with fans of both teams in this game. Was it their prankster god that forced this errant referee toss off Merriman’s head?

The Broncos have the opportunity to put themselves three and a half games up on the only other team capable of giving them viable competition for the AFC West crown. But what’s so good about handing a potentially crippling defeat to a division foe without it being augmented by extreme personal rancor? WE WANT PATHOS! You ruined our favorite personal rivalry, McDaniels. THAT WAS YOUR WORST CRIME OF ALL! FATSIS THINKS YOU, SIR, ARE A BOORISH TYRANT!

After all, Jay Cutler was the perfect foil for Philip Rivers; the overwrought sub to Marmalard’s domineering (and abstinent) dom. Now, not only is Cutler removed from the equation, but in his place is the most even-tempered proxy ever. How can anyone, even Rivers, hate the Neckbeard? He’s just a sloppy looking affable drunk (unlike Cutler’s surly drunkeness) who game manages teams to minor success.

It’s just not the same to have Rivers’ nemesis sulking it up in another conference. It’s like making The Joker fight Aquaman. Sure, in the end, one of them still dies, but where’s the dramatic conflict?

“Whatever. I don’t care. Pink binkie is all the friends I need.”

Fine, fine. We’ve had a enjoyable few months using Josh McDaniels as a comedic punching bag around these parts. But the smug little bastard might actually have the slightest (ever-so-tenuous) grasp on what he’s doing. BUT I STILL WANT TO SMACK THE SMUG OFF HIS FACE AND MAKE THE SMUG SIT ON THE BENCH AND WATCH THE BRONCOS FAIL! Nevertheless, the lesson, as always, is that the Cowboys can out-implode anybody.

[Thanks to commenter Greg Olsen is Making Me Sexist for the tip]

A neckbeard-less Neckbeard made his first appearance in a Broncos uniform Saturday Friday and marked the occasion with three particularly ugly interceptions in one half of action against the 49ers. And Seahawks fans continue lustily salivating over their all-too-easily acquired no. 1 pick in next year’s draft.

/it’s funny because Jay Cutler was only marginally better in his debut with the Bears.

 
Abe Lincoln would have been 200 years old today. You know, if no one had shot him in the back of the head. Read the rest of this entry »

Whiskey River take my mind.

Busted Coverage has some pictures of Neckbeard after an evening on the town. If I were Orton, I wouldn’t be embarrassed about the passed-out pics. There’s no shame in crashing at a stranger’s house after a night of epic carousing. However, there is no forgiving that Jim Morrison t-shirt…

Bears. Packers. These teams have met a few times. Perhaps Bobby Wade can spare you the three hours by letting you know what will happen.