It’s official. Necrobeastiality is the nastiest. Many thanks again to Mamacita and El Duke’ for helping to host the tournament. And huge ups to Ape for volunteering to do the other half of the brackets. Couldn’t have done it without you, sir. And now suddenly I want to soak my face in poop.

Now tell us how much you hated the tournament in the comments! Because we actually value your opinions!

At long last we’ve reached the final round of the Nasty Fetish Tournament, and the the eventuality that we all feared has come to pass since the brackets were first set: it’s down to animal sex versus dead animal sex. Don’t lay all the blame on us – voters who denied the stoma fetish in the last round are just as culpable. Even if it’s not the most attractive finale, it’s not quite so clear cut as it appears.

After a cursory glance, it would seem that necrobestiality is the clear winner over its more generic cousin, what with the added element of death to the equation. But does that necessarily make it nastier? After all, the bestiality fetishist is causing extreme pain to a living being, whereas those who favor necrobestiality only have their way with its remains (one must assume the process of the necrobestiality ritual doesn’t include killing the animal first). Therefore, the crux is whether forcing sex upon nonconsenting animal is worse than getting off with its festering (or long festered) corpse. Is bestiality more morally reprehensible while necrobestiality registering higher on the scale of physical disgust? Which of those factors lends itself to our definition of nastiness? Once again, it’s up to you arbiters of turpitude to decide. At least it’s not Femskins.

Bestiality Advocates: Rashean Mathis, Paul Dano, Patrick Duffy

Necrobestiality Advocates: Fred Durst, Anthony Mason, Antonio Villaraigosa

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament. We’ve finally reached the Round of Four, with the other tourney semifinal hosted at Punte’s site. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

1. Necrobestiality

Literal Meaning: “When a gentleman engages in sexual congress with a corpse of a departed animal friend.”

Wiki says: Apparently preferable to Pedonecrobestiality.

Notable Advocates: Brian Eno, Brentson Buckner, Gordon Brown

13. Stoma fucking

Literal Meaning: “One who fantasizes about penetrating a surgically creating orifice, either in the in the colon or the esophagus.”

ExStomaChick says: DON’T GET ANY IDEAS!

Notable Advocates: Reuben Droughns, Tom Leykis, Gabriel Byrne

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with the final in the Orson Swindle Region. Who will be the next entrant in the Nasty Fetish Final Four? Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

1. Necrobestiality

Literal Meaning: “When a gentleman engages in sexual congress with a corpse of a departed animal friend.”

The Intarwebs say: You can make at least six friends on LiveJournal.

Notable Advocates: Kristen Wiig, Mitch McConnell, Chris Hovan

2. Fecophilia

Literal Meaning: “Taking a walk on the brown side.”

The Intarwebs say: Now your fetish can be all shimmery.

Notable Advocates: Isiah Whitlock Jr., kid from Slumdog Millionaire, Osi again (so you don’t bitch about his exclusion)

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with the final in the Christmas Ape Region. Who will be the first entrant in the Nasty Fetish Final Four? Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

7. Menophilia

Literal Meaning: “Described as being sexually excited by a female during menstruation. This can be further described as people who are turned on by the smell, image, taste or feel of the blood expelled during menstruation.”

The Intarwebs say: “Menophilia is the fetish for menstruating women. Blood to me is exciting. Thrilling. A visual delight. It has been that way since I was a young girl. Nose bleeds and the sight of blood was exciting to me. I would sit in the mirror and watch the red rivulets run down my face. I began to menstruate and after a period of self loathing and fear of my cycle.”

Notable Advocates: Jean-Paul Belmondo, Freddie Prinze Jr., Anderson Silva

13. Stoma Fucking

Literal Meaning: “One who fantasizes about penetrating a surgically creating orifice, either in the in the colon or the esophagus.”

Gossipy nurse says: “A woman in her 40′s who had had a colostomy for several years following a bad MVA was admitted for an infection in her colostomy site. She came to my unit and sure enough, green pus everywhere. The site was cultured and.. guess what? She had gonorrhea in her stoma. She reluctantly admitted that she had met a man in a fetish chatroom and let him “make love” to her stoma!”

Notable Advocates: Brian Urlacher, Doug E. Fresh, Tim Heidecker

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Regional Semifinal action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

2. Fecophilia

Literal Meaning: Taking a walk on the brown side.

Wiki says: If You, Me and Everyone We Know is any reflection of reality, people like to poop back and forth, sometimes with the same poop.

Notable Advocates: Rod Smith, Todd Glass, Seymour Hersh

3. Apotemnophilia

Literal Meaning: “The erotic interest in being or looking like an amputee. When experienced very strongly, some people with apotemnophilia come to feel discontented with their bodies and want to actually remove an otherwise healthy limb, a condition called Body Integrity Identity Disorder. Some apotemnophiles seek surgeons to perform an amputation or purposefully injure a limb in order to force emergency medical amputation.”

Wiki says: “Medical experts have reported cases of amputation obsession since the 1860s, said Richard Bruno, a New Jersey psychophysiologist who specializes in brain-body disorders and is one of the few people in the world who have extensively studied apotemnophilia. No one knows how many people are obsessed with amputation. However, there are Web sites devoted to the subject. One is named after the Venus de Milo statue.”

Notable Advocates: Frances McDormand, Steve Hutchison, Craig Ferguson

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Regional Semifinal action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

1. Necrobestiality

Literal Meaning: “When a gentleman engages in sexual congress with a corpse of a departed animal friend.”

The Intarwebs say: Also good for the beasts themselves.

Notable Advocates: Tony Siragusa, Chris Tucker, Peggy Noonan

13. Incest

Literal Meaning: “Any sexual activity between closely related persons and (often within the immediate family) that is illegal or socially taboo. Prevalence is difficult to generalize, but research has estimated 10-15% of the general population as having at least one incest experience, with less than 2% involving intercourse or attempted intercourse.”

Wiki says: “Having an incest fetish is all down to how you feel.” Are you feeling particularly incesty today?

Notable Advocates: Jason Witten, Jeff Bridges, Yo-Yo Ma

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Regional Semifinal action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

6. Macrophilia

Literal Meaning: “A sexual fantasy involving domination by giants, primarily giant women. Variants include metamorphic fantasies; the shrinking of men/women so that average-sized people appear relatively huge, or more commonly, ordinary humans growing to giant size.”

Salon says: “You never forget your first glimpse of the Statue of Liberty. A towering monument to freedom, democracy and the big-girl aesthetic, she looms over New York Harbor, 225 tons of womanhood, 151 feet from toes to torch tip, her head high and huge, her massive bosom outthrust to welcome the tired, the poor, the huddled masses. For immigrants arriving on America’s shore, the statue is the earth mother of international acceptance. For macrophiles, she’s something else — the ultimate sex goddess.”

Notable Advocates: Jude Law, Del tha Funkee Homosapien, Steve Jobs

7. Menophilia

Literal Meaning: “Described as being sexually excited by a female during menstruation. This can be further described as people who are turned on by the smell, image, taste or feel of the blood expelled during menstruation.”

The Intarwebs say: You’re quite the catch among insecure types in Scotland. But you’ll have to open your wallet.

Notable Advocates: Timbaland, Tucker Max, Josh Elliott

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Regional Semifinal action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

9. Vore

Literal Meaning: “This is arousal by the thought of being eaten by someone, eating someone else, or watching someone eat somebody else. It is called “vore” for short. Perhaps this is related to cannibalism, but how someone develops a fetish like this, I really could not even speculate upon. It involves pure fantasy (at least hopefully it does), since it would be very difficult to make any of the aforementioned situations reality.”

The Intarwebs says: They worry for the fate of digested goldfish.

Notable Advocates: Mark Stepnoski, Benicio Del Toro, Tony Jaa

13. Stoma Fucking

Literal Meaning: “One who fantasizes about penetrating a surgically creating orifice, either in the in the colon or the esophagus.”

This pamphlet says: “The simplest problem facing the ostomist is of the appliance impeding easy movement and getting in the way. If the appliance is emptied before intercourse it can be folded up and trapped down with some tape. Keep a nice cotton cover over the appliance at all times as wearing a cover stops it rubbing on yours and your partners skin. If you use a transparent bag the cover hides the contents.”

Notable Advocates: Topher Grace, Zach Braff, Phil Hellmuth