Cobb: What’s the most resilient parasite? An idea. A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules.

Arthur: What about jokes? What can they do? More to the point, is there a single moment of levity in this entire film?

Cobb: No. No jokes. Only ideas. Jokes are the antithesis of ideas. Jokes are the death of cities. The fall of man.

Arthur: Affirmative. Solemn visage engaged. Hair brilliantined for maximal earnestness.

Saito: Awwwww, I am moss preased wif yull selious demeanol. Some men, they wok foll me, they am nuhsing but smirre, but you am most steln. Ret me know you mean the bitness. Demeanol not evelything, of curse. Arso I am needing to know how is you skirrs in the alt of intelception.

I am ask because my company, it depend on steady redealship flom a man by name of Rongrastname. Ratery, he no am be steady. In fact, you cord say he have be anything but. This not acceptable foll me. What is my need flom you is terr convince Rongrastname to eriminate the tlouberr. No mole wirr I torelate the lape and the make pee on the gorf colse.

Cobb: Of course. But we’re going to have find someone to serve as our architect of the dreamscape. I can no longer serve as an architect for very serious reasons which I am unable to detail at this juncture of the story.

Ariadne: ‘Sup? I’m, like, this first-year prodigy at the University of Folding Cities, Paris Campus. Did you need a fast learner? ‘Cause I just picked up everything I needed to know to perform my task as dream city planner after a three-minute conversation with you.

Cobb: [Deadpan] That is a most propitious development.

Ariadne: Hey, what’s this? Your psyche? LEMME SEE!

Mal: My name is Mal. Mal means bad in several languages. You digging my subtlety? What’s with all the Edith Piaf being played? Did you know I was Edith Piaf in another movie? Does that mean her music can only be understood in the dream state? Does it mean the movie is actually supposed to be Edith Piaf’s dream? Only my mystic totem dream dreidel knows for certain. Hold up. I gotta stab you with this broken wine glass really quick.

Saito: PEEPER! You am rosing focus. Is I to bereave you is capaberr of pelfolm this task?

Arthur: Deepest apologies. Know that we have no intention of wasting your valuable time. Our mission is clear: organize an elaborate ruse in which we will execute an interception on your leader and implant the idea that he should not have sex with college girls in filthy bar bathrooms. Nor will he engage physically with any crazy cowboy women. Finally, we make it so he never wishes to urinate on a golf course ever again. First, we need to find his upcoming travel itinerary. We buy up the rest of first class in whatever flight he is -

Saito: You overthink pran. Is not so difficurt to find Rongrastname. Obselve.

Ben Roethlisberger: HI JUNO! MICHAEL CERA TOLD THE BEN YOU ARE DOWN TO FUCK! TRY NOT GET PREGGERS THOUGH.

[Arthur and Cobb mouth: "Go with it!"]

Ariadne: Oh, for sure, Ben. But first you gotta take this drug and take a nap with me and my friends.

Roethlisberger: THAT SOUND FAIR.

[Engage dream hookup thing not at all like the Matrix]

Multiple Bens: HI FOREIGN ENTITIES!

Arthur: His projections have sensed that we don’t belong on his dream golf course.

Multiple Bens: HEY LOOK I PUT MY DRIVER WHERE PENIS IS! HAHA! THREE WOOD! THREE WOOD!

Cobb: They’ll pee all over us. We’re gonna have to move. If we get peed on, we’ll wake up immediately.

Ariadne: Those are very minor consequences! We’ll have to find a situation where the prospect of dying actually presents an element of danger.

Cobb: I know! We must delve further into the subconscious!

[More Matrix-y shit]

Roethlisberger: HI PARDNERS! WELCOME TO BEN DEAD REDEMPTION! BEN LOVE THIS GAME ‘CAUSE CALL O’ DUTY MAP PACKS IS MAD EXPENSIVE. PLUS YOU CAN HIT UP OLD WEST SLUTS!

Arthur: Yeah, but you lose honor points when you do that.

[Ben uses Dead Eye slow motion aim to fire sperm]

Ariadne: Oh no! Arthur has been shot! He’ll be forever stuck in limbo, a concept both frightening and poorly explained!

Cobb: We’ll have to keep going down further and further into his subconscious. Time will move more slowly there for very arbitrary and convenient reasons. We’ll finish before Arthur is forever stuck in limbo.

[Maaaaaatrix]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI DRUNK GIRL! WELCOME TO BEN LOVE STALL! YOU WANT REGULAR OR HANDICAP?

Ariadne: Oh no! We’ll be raped!

Cobb: No, just you.

Ariadne: What’ll we do? I could try all that fancy building shifting stuff I pulled out when my character was first introduced and then never used again. On second thought… no.

Cobb: I know. Why don’t you go all Hard Candy on him?

Ariadne: Oh yeah! [Turns the tables to the joy of feminists everywhere]

Ben Roethlisberger: OH NOES! PREDATORY PLANS BACKFIRED! THE BEN NOW AFRAID TO RAPE! THIS A VERY MEANINGFUL EPIPHANY!

Ariadne: We did it! Now what about the kicks?

Cobb: Of course! The needlessly elaborate system of extraction that is not at all a way for Christopher Nolan to show off! Well, it just so happens that I timed all of this to coincide with Ben peeing on us in the first level and the Dead Eye sperm hitting us in the second level.

[Here comes the pee]

[Everyone wakes up]

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN FEEL LIKE WHOLE NEW BEN! DON’T WANNA RAPE! DON’T WANNA PEE ON TREE! NOT EVEN A LITTLE!

[Camera pans back to reveal very important totem choco taco on a nearby table WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE MELTING]

Today we’re drafting books that should be made into movies. For the purposes of the draft we’ll consider any and all book that has never been adapted for the screen. If the title is categorized by IMDB as in pre-production it will be considered off-limits, whereas titles that are merely in development will be fair game. And yes, graphic novels are eligible as well.

The draft order is as follows…

1. Punte
2. Ape
3. Drew
4. UM
5. Uff

Flubby was unable to participate this week due to other obligations, but we’re comfortable in our assumption that he would have drafted A Confederacy of Dunces, Searching for the Sound: My Life with the Grateful Dead, and Tales from the 1980 Louisville Cardinals. Falco was unable to participate this week due to diarrhea. We have absolutely no clue what he would have drafted.

1. Punte- Let Me Tell You a Story: A Lifetime in the Game by John Feinstein

“I like the way the book is laid out. It’s mostly a bunch of people sitting around a table while the elder statesman (the late Celtics coach Red Auerbach) spins yarns about how the NBA used to be. Auerbach’s NBA was an NBA I could have followed, and this would be a sports movie that would break the tired old formula for that genre that we’re too accustomed to seeing. ”

Or so they’d have us believe right up until they cast Sandra Bullock as Red and replace China Doll with an Applebee’s.

Ape: I’d say Motherless Brooklyn but I guess they’re doing it.

And that’s when I started jumping up and down in excitement.

2. Ape- Maus by Art Spiegelman

“Sure, it’s yet another fucking Holocaust movie, but I think we can all agree Nazi cats would be a great thing. Even better if they make it live action with voiced dubbed over the animals.”

Drew: Dude, EVERY book is in pre-pro at IMDB. Even if the project is in turnaround.
UM: Not this one.

3. Drew- World War Z by Max Brooks

4. UM- Carter Beats the Devil by Glen David Gold

This would make such a fantastic movie, I can’t believe it hasn’t been pulled off yet. Fortunately the rights were just optioned by Warner Brothers. It won’t be easy to make, but it’s at least possible to do well, unlike other historical fiction titles that are better left in print (looking at you, Kavalier and Clay).

Uff: Hey, I read that and totally forgot about it! Fucking awesome book.

It really is. Go read it before they cast the thing.

5. Uff- Syrup by Max (or Maxx) Barry

“As fast and fun and snappy as pop fiction can be. I absolutely LOVE this book, and it’s begging to be made into a movie.”

6. Uff- Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein

Assuming Paul Verhoeven doesn’t rape this the way he did Heinlein’s Starship Troopers, I’d love to see this anti-religious screed come to fruition on the screen. Lots of great dialog, sexy women, and fuck parties.

7. UM- Caught Stealing by Charlie Huston

The whole Hank Thompson trilogy, really. It’s a crime that none of Charlie Huston’s work has found its way to Hollywood by now (The Mystic Art of Erasing All Signs of Death is being developed as a pilot for HBO with Alan Ball attached). Thompson is a perfect antihero, and the story would translate easily to film. Caught Stealing was actually optioned before the book was ever published, but the rights expired a while back.

8. Drew- Every Thug Needs A Lady

“Tell me that movie wouldn’t blaze up the silver screen.”

9. Ape- Pulp by Charles Bukowski

“Fine, hipsters love him. And it’s far from his best book, but it’s the hilarious and easily adaptable to film.”

10. Punte- The Minotaur Takes A Cigarette Break by Steven Sherrill

“Andy Serkis will play the minotaur.”

Uff: FUCK, that’s another great book. But that reminds me…

It’s listed as in development, so it’s still good.

Punte: Matt, the only reason I read it was because you recommended it so highly.

That’s the same reason I first picked up Motherless Brooklyn. Ufford recommends a mean novel.

11. Punte- Eat The Rich by P.J. O’Rourke

12. Ape- White Noise by Don DeLillo

Barry Sonnenfeld almost made this into a movie a few years ago. You know that he failed because I am currently not in prison for murdering Barry Sonnenfeld.

13. Drew- Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete’s Handbook by Some Skinny Bitch

“For the money.”

The part of Drew will be played by the lovechild of Steve Zahn (a native Minnesotan) and the Tackleberry guy (who is apparently dead).

14. UM- The Yiddish Policeman’s Union by Michael Chabon

It’s still in development (with the Coen brothers). While I don’t doubt that it will make it through production, I want to be absolutely sure of it. I was tempted to take The Last Shot, but I’m quite sure they would totally ruin it.

15. Uff- Contortionist’s Handbook by Craig Clevenger

And Matt closes things out by drafting one of the four books that happens to be sitting on my desk right now. I’m not sure what it’s doing there, but it’s there, and it’s a great read.

Add your picks in the comments, but please wait ten picks before selecting again. And sorry, but Yertle the Turtle has already been adapted multiple times over. Would you expect any less from what is possibly the finest book ever written on the subject of turtle stacking? I should hope not.

UPDATE: I’ll be hosting the liveblog at Edge, the pop culture site I also write for, so as to minimize the amount of unrelated film dorkery in this space.

Once a party from a particular film has been drafted all other parties from that film are off the board. The order is as follows.

1. Punte
2. Ape
3. Drew
4. Unsilent
5. Ufford
6. Flubby

It should be noted that Random.com’s list randomizing feature hates Flubby for some reason. It’s probably a Kentucky fan. Continue after the jump for the results, then play along in the comments.

1. Punte- Toga party from Animal House

Obligatory.

2. Ape- Boogie Nights New Year’s Party

If you can get over William H. Macy shooting his wife and himself, which I can, seems like a good time. Plus, the movie turns really depressing after this, so I know I got in at the right time.

That’s already two off of my list right off the bat. This should be a contentious draft.

3. Drew- The Moon Tower Party from Dazed And Confused

“There’s a new fiesta in the making as we speak.”

Until my graduation week, I don’t think I ever got to go to a big high school party in an open field where people got drunk and smoked up and all that shit. I so, so, so badly wish that had been a regular part of my youth.

4. The “Save the Pit” party from PCU

Tonight at the Pit, Everyone Gets Laid.

Ufford: The Ice Storm swingers party. RAWR! Kidding. I’ll have something soon. Sorry, I’m fighting a hangover this morning.

Punte: Uff drafts the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

5. Ufford- Old School

Can’t say I’m enamored with this pick. I was really looking for something with more drugs and strippers and gambling.

Hey, Snoop played, hot high school chicks showed up, and there were whippets. You could do worse.

6. Flubby- Caddy Day at the Bushwood CC

Tough call as there are a few good party scenes in Caddyshack (dinner party, yacht christening, post-match celebration).

This will certainly be the shortest lived party drafted today.

7. Flubby- Connie and Carlo’s wedding reception in The Godfather

Awesome spread, live band, plus Clemenza gets drunk and makes a fool of himself– then I’d get to hit up Vito Corleone for a favor and he has to say yes.

Damn, I really wanted the wedding party so I could ask Vito to whack somebody. Excellent value pick.

8. Ufford- Samuel L. Jackson’s blues performance in Black Snake Moan

Hot, sweaty bar in the sticks with Christina Ricci and sexy black chicks getting down to motherfuckin’ SAM JACKSON.

9. Unsilent- The Halloween Party from How High

Sure there would be plenty of Harvard douchebags, but there were plenty of hot chicks and Cypress Hill performed in a fucking dorm. Bonus points if I can get my hands on some of their OG Kush.

10. Drew- The orgy from Eyes Wide Shut

Drew would just stand in the corner touching himself.

11. Ape- The player’s party from Any Given Sunday

Drugs, strippers, pro football players in Miami with Lawrence Taylor chainsawing a car in half .

Ufford: Dammit. THAT’S the kind of party I was looking for. Stupid brain.

12. Punte- The Playboy Mansion party in Beverly Hills Cop II

13. Punte- The Ewok party at the end of Return of the Jedi

There’s a plushies joke in here somewhere, I’m sure.

14. Ape- Bruce Wayne’s fundraiser in The Dark Knight

Have to hobnob with high society types for a while, but food will be good and the booze top notch. And the pay-off, of course, is that I get to watch Batman fight The Joker.

15. Drew- End of the world party, Rules of Attraction

Sex, drugs, hot coeds in lingerie. Fucking Colby College.

16. Unsilent- Tony Lacey’s party in Annie Hall

“I forgot my mantra.”

At this point in the draft Ufford attempts to select the orgy from Eyes Wide Shut that Drew already drafted implicitly.

Ufford: Oh. You mean the time where you just attached an image and DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING? Yeah, that’s my fault.

I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight!

17. Ufford- Rudd and Rogen’s trip to Vegas from Knocked Up

Strippers and Cirque du Soleil on mushrooms.

I don’t think Rudd and Rogen’s trip qualifies as a party. Unless the guests were the chairs. But we’ll let this one slide, because it’s always a party with shrooms.

18. Flubby- The rave scene from Matrix Reloaded

Crappy movie and the scene ran too long– but looks like a real hootenanny.

Now it’s up to you to fill out the list in the comments. Please select one scene at a time and wait ten picks before selecting again. Nobody likes an asshole. And remember, starting next week the mock drafts will all be commenter driven. Knock yourselves out.

I saw Zach and Miri Make a Porno tonight and I’m drunkenly reporting that it was pretty all right. It’s one of those movies that Hollywood makes where they take a supposedly outre subject and use it as the racy patina for a generically saccharine love story. Kind of like Hard Candy.

Anyway, there’s a scene midway through where the movie pokes fun at Steelers fans (it’s based outside Pittsburgh) and thought I’d pass it along. Not really a critical scene, so it’s not spoiling anything.

I can always count on my significant other to drag me to a movie that has Renee Zellweger in it. So maybe “finally” is the wrong word. Obviously, this movie sucked 4 cocks out of 5. We can shovel some blame onto Sports Illustrated’s Fuckface Emeritus Rick Reilly, who co-wrote the film, along with some other guy I don’t know enough about to consider a viable candidate for ridicule.

While we were at the $2 theater, there was this college-aged girl that walked into the movie with two of her friends. And this bitch waddled down the aisle with her fucking friends and, in a theater with maybe 15 people in it, sat DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF another couple, a ridiculous violation of movie etiquette.

Fucking cunt. If that fucking tub of shit had sat in front of me, I would have stabbed her in the face with my keys. How fucking clueless do you have to be? Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been so repulsed so quickly by a single person in my entire life.

But I’m getting off track…

Yeah, so it doesn’t take a goofy-assed mustache or a missing chin to know that the movie’s fucked when they’ve stolen the opening credits from Cheers and the first half hour is almost word-for-word ripped off from Slap Shot.

“Oh no! The team’s gonna fold! Fuckin’ machine took my quarter!”

And then Renee Cockshrinker shows up. There’s a whore in the newsroom! You expect me to believe that a newspaper would hire a woman as a reporter in the 1920s? Did they drag her into a speakeasy after hours and gang-bang her? That might explain why she’s squinting all the time. You know, because the old news guys would be standing over her face and…Forget it. I’ll draw you a picture later. But seriously, even Lucy Liu is offended by the narrowness of Renee’s eye sockets.

But anyway…

So they get the guy from The Office to save the team. I really can’t watch The Office because annoying people aren’t funny to me, whether they’re inside my TV or two cubicles away. They could have followed me around for the first two years of my first job out of college and had a better show. And it would have had sex in it! Well, not during season one.

All of a sudden, the George Clooney character suddenly gets all jealous over the new guy even though that kid is keeping him from working in a goddamn mine. Did you know they filmed part of this movie here in South Carolina? No, I didn’t really care, either, but I had to hear about it for six gaddamn months, so now you do, too.

And if you thought this post was aimless and off point, it has nothing on the last half hour of this movie. They basically pull another character out of Renee Cumcatcher’s ass and fix all the issues in the movie, leaving the actual game at the end of the movie about as anti-climatic as a hand job from a 14-year-old girl with rheumatoid arthritis. I could have done better on my own.

Oh, and Clooney directed this turd on skates, so fuck him too.

Like most of those whose formative years occured during the show’s ascent (for the record, seasons 3-9), I have a lot of personal memories tied up with at least the first nine seasons or so. My best friend and I became close in 8th grade through quoting the Don Homer (“Don Homer, my son, he’s-uh…” “Ah. ah. ah. … That’s-uh good-uh donut.”) bit to death. Even back then, in 1995, we speculated on when a Simpsons movie might get made and what they could do. Of course, had it been made then, it’d have been a brazilian times better.

The show has so dramatically shaped my sense on humor and outlook, it’s hard for me to identify with people who haven’t followed it. Most of the seminal literary or cinematic references of our time I saw on The Simpsons first and then recognized in the actual work they were visually citing. I once forced a date to wait 30 minutes before going out because The Lemon Tree Episode, a personal fave, came on during the hourlong daily block.

My expectations for the movie? None too high. The trailers and spots look a bit like the last seven seasons, pratfall-y and stupid. But I’m hoping the producers just have enough faith in the brand that they don’t feel the need to give away great material from the film in the ads. Still, you know it would take dogs-with-bees-in-the-mouths-and-when-they-open-their- mouths-they-shoot-bees-at-you to keep me away.

So, to mark this sweet moment, we planted this lemon tree, lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time went on The Simpsons Movie web site and created avatars of the Gay Mafia, offering our readers a rare glimpse (excepting that TV whore Ufford) of our collective animated countenances.

Punter

You had to look at it for a good few seconds to make sure it wasn’t really Kearney, didn’t you? And, yes, when he has a kid, it’s sleeping in a drawer.

Nerdlinger Ape

You’ll notice that’s Scratchy on the shirt. Because I own a cat, in case I hadn’t already mentioned that fact a hundred times too many.

flubby

Little does flubby know Clasina Valkenberg has obtained a trademark on the soul patch.

The Maj

We were hoping Unsilent would make a more accurate avatar. He’s not nearly that tall.

CaveUfford

Someone apparently has a pretty deluded, er, positive self-image.

Drew

He was a little let down by the lack of towel accessories in the avatar feature.