Jon Gruden exemplified MAXIMUM DENSITY during his performance in the booth tonight. THIS GUY – he’s an outstanding proliferator of FOOTBALL PLATITUDES. First, he started in by saying that Drew Brees is “The Surgeon.” Much like Peyton Manning, another OUTSTANDING FOOTBALL PLAYER, is “The Sheriff.”

Don’t worry, fans. There was more. Mike Bell was “The Hammer.” Every tight end on the field was a “joker.” To drive the point home, Gruden donned a Batman Joker mask from the movie The Dark Knight. He leads Gotham City in malevolence. THIS GUY – HE GETS VISUAL AIDS! HE’S GOT PROP DISCIPLINE!

Did you see Roddy White cup the tits of a Saints defensive back on his touchdown grab? THAT IS OUTSTANDING REACHAROUND ABILITY, ESPECIALLY IN THE WAKE OF THE NFL’S CAMPAIGN DEALING WITH BREAST CANCER AWARENESS! You just can’t coach that. This guy – he really gets all up in there, inspecting for cancerous lumps. I’M GONNA CALL HIM “THE INSPECTOR.” If I were a cancerous growth, I’d want to stay away from this guy. He’s gonna sniff me out with extreme promptitude.

Did you see this guy sky for an interception? Brent Grimes is “The Levitator.” In all my years in the league, I’ve never seen one guy get up in the air like that guy just did. It’s like he attached a jet pack to his backside and took off. I tell you, I’m stimulated by what just happened on that play. Let me straddle my stool a little wider. You got the camera on that, camera guy? Good. I think you got a real future in camera work. I’m gonna call you “The Focuser.”

Credit to the Something Awful forums

For the second time in the first six weeks of the season, MNF announcers have pronounced a starting QB to be “leading the league in grit.” First, it was Jake Delhomme against Dallas. Tonight, it was Marmalard against Denver. Of course, both quarterbacks suffered gruesome defeat, so we can conclude grit not only amounts to unbearable whiteness, but suckitude as well.

Even resorting to two-handed granny floats wasn’t enough to ensure victory on this night for Marmalard. Not with Eddie Royal’s zero catches capturing everyone’s attention. Seriously, I look at the stat sheet and I can’t understand the hubbub.

“We lost? Man, the dudes at the skate park are gonna give me so much grief for leaving two-thirds of my hair its regular color. I gotta break my rape cherry and quick.”

Nice facepaint application, toothless bro. Be advised that fake dreads bro looks like he wants to drop epic slammage on your be-blued visage.

Jester caps were highly in evidence with fans of both teams in this game. Was it their prankster god that forced this errant referee toss off Merriman’s head?

Even Suzy can’t believe Braylon caught balls tonight.

Last year with the Ravens, Rex Ryan’s defense made dolphin-filled tuna out of the Wildcat formation. Surely there was no way that Miami could win unless they did it like the Saints did last week – get more points off Sanchise turnovers than from their own offense. This time, though, the Dolphins donned their unbeatable orange duds and laid 31 points on the Pussytubers, while Chad Henne (CHAD HENNE!) registered a QB rating of 130.

“I have watched as you have grown complacent in your opulence, gringo grosso. As you have sat, dined and slobbered on your many chins, I have been at work, perfecting the deadly arts of…”

And while there was a highly entertaining affair on the field, the real contest of the night pitted the spastic Dolphins male cheerleader’s antics against the wild pom-pommed gyrations of Straw Hatted Jets Snow Blob. C’mon guys, WHO YA GOT?

Some more Miami crowd retardery after the jump.
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Favre was actually halfway competent on the big stage against a team he might have played for at some point if I heard everyone on my TV properly. Even on a night when Purple Jesus was held in check and coughing up the ball for an opposing defense TD. Meanwhile, Jared Allen was bowhunting Goth Rodgers all night long. BECAUSE RODGERS LACKS FAVRIAN EYE DISCIPLINE! JAWS SAID SO HIMSELF!

The win moves the Vikes to 4-0, which goes a ways to helping them to another division title, but could potentially help even more with that push Favraro wants when he decides to run for “govenor” at some point.

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And that’s too bad, because it would have been tremendous to watch Jerry see the first two games in his Colossatorium blow up in his leathery face. Not that Romo didn’t give the Panthers a host of chances at interceptions with a raft of ill-advised throws. So we were limited to one agonized Wade Phillips hunch down of defeat.

Remember, it is only still late September. There is plenty of tantalizing Cowboys failure to come. There’s not going to be a Delhomme to deposit the ball in Terrance Newman’s chest at critical moments every week.

As for Carolina, Tar Heels season isn’t that far in the offing.

[Thanks again to reader Rafael for the .giffage]

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Mayhap it has something to do with the Dolphins having a two-minute drill (actually, they started their final drive with 3:17 remaining) that makes Andy Reid salivate for something other than a 20-piece family meal from Popeye’s, plus two Quizno’s footlong mesquite chicken with bacon subs with extra meat, plus one large Trough O’ Lard. It’s that bad.

And it was kind of amusing to watch, this Dolphin failure, if you could block out the forthcoming analyst pant-moistening at Pey-Pey winning DESPITE HIS OFFENSE HAVING THE BALL FEWER THAN 15 MINUTES!

Or, conversely

MANNING
NURSING HOME
FROTTAGE

More wack-wack-wackiness after le jump.

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A season of Monday Night Football draws to a close (pleasebeTK’slastpleasebeTK’slast) with another night of 10,000 Favre mentions and Tony Kornheiser raving about the existence of team songs. “YOU MEAN TO TELL ME EVERY TEAM HAS A SONG, JAWS?! WHAT TRULY BIZARRE RITUALS THESE FANS HAVE!” Trailing 17-10 in the 4th, the Bears were able to tie the game after a dubious-looking 4th down conversion by Matt Forte inside the Packers’ 5. Forte then then scored on the next play. Mason Crosby had a potentially winning kick blocked in the waning moments, then the coin flip caromed off Brian Urlacher’s helmet. The Bears then marched down the field to put a night of punts and interceptions to a close and piss off many a teased Vikings fan.

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Sweet interminable birth of Baby Jesus, that game went on forever. I mean, all the interceptions the Eagles threw in the endzone were kind of amusing, even if the air of inevitability of an Eagles win hung over the Linc from even before the opening kickoff. And Ken Dorsey is a rousing one-man band of suck. Still, this thing couldn’t have been more plodding if it were a Bergman film. If it weren’t for generous cheerleaders shots, I might have gotten slightly more impossibly tanked.

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Not a whole lot of the Matron Saint tonight, but there were a number of delightful announcer gaffes to go along with 3,000 rushing yards by the Panthers. And while the run game was dominant, the Carolina fan souvenir cup passing game was on-target when aimed at Steve Young.

Don’t forget the KSK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House. Click here to donate.
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You know, I sat through the entire ponderous spectacle that was Texans and Jaguars on Monday night and I can’t remember anything beyond an endless procession of turnovers and a bunch of scores after the game was already decided. In my drunken haze, I still managed to get a few amusing crowd shots and allow me to share them with you.

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