Drew Brees tonight was the first of perhaps several QBs this season who will pass Dan Marino’s single-season passing yardage record. Tom Brady could realistically pass Breesus next week and render all the crazy celebration in the Superdome hilariously moot. Oh man, it’s just like ’98 with McGwire and Sosa except thankfully not baseball and America doesn’t have to pretend really hard that something is capturing its imagination.
As the record breaking approached, I wondered whether ESPN would go out of its way to embarrass themselves with overwrought graphics like they did with Favre’s 500th TD pass the year before.
It’s closer than I figured, but The Gunslinger’s is still a bit more ostentatious. And you can tell that ESPN thinks Favre has a bigger moment because they have their branding all over it. Sorry, Breesus, you’ll have to be more of a self-aggrandizing turd to get on Brittfar’s hype level.
When the Steelers weren’t getting manhandled by Aldon Smith, they were busy turning the ball over. Whoops, there goes the 1 seed, Yinzburgh. Best of luck with the Tebow Time versus The Ben morality play in the first round of the playoffs. Should make for fun sermons on the wickedness of rapeyness. Of course, the actual game wasn’t the biggest story of the night. Not when there were rolling flaming gay blackouts that reminded Chris Berman of earthquakes that he was able to experience firsthand and tell you about, even though they have zero bearing on ongoing breaking news.
“JUST LIKE 1989 WHEN I WENT TO THE TROUBLE TO BE AT THINGS AND REPORT LIKE I GAVE A SHIT. THAT WAS BEFORE CANNED SOUND EFFECTS BECAME MY CALLING CARD! WHAT MARVELS I SAW! WHAT MIRACLES I OBSERVED! Don’t you wish to know what I was like then? You’d like that guy. He thought about people. Bzzzzt. SIKE! PEOPLE LIKE ME! HAHAHA, THAT EARTHQUAKE WAS JUST MY EGO SHIFTING ITS WEIGHT.”
No one yet had any idea what happened other than that a transformer, like the scientific process, went boink. But no one has any less of an idea than WORST JOURNO EVER John Sutcliffe, reporter for ESPN Deportes who happened to be on hand in San Francisco to get no useful information whatsoever about the two power outages.
“When asked why they went out, the upper tier lights had no comment.”
Well, I went up to the control room. They wouldn’t open the door for me, but I banged loudly and offered chips. When they cracked the door open a slice and reuested that I prove that I have chips, I let them inspect the bag. At that time, they slid the chips inside the door and slammed it behind them. At this point, the status of the chips is unclear. BACK TO YOU, GUYS!
HARF HARF HARF COME BACK JAMES HARRISON AND HEAD SHOT THE LIGHTS BACK ON
AWWWW JAMES HARRISON Y U NO STOP THE HIGH ANKLESPOT FROM THROWING PICKERFUMBLECEPTIONS?
I am weak. My weakness is strong. I let my hopes get stoked that the Giants could come into the Marcedes-Benz Maybach Music Superdome and give the Saints a semblance of a game, but it ended up being only slightly less lop-sided than the 62-7 New Orleans blowout of the Fat Humps back in Week 7. Next Sunday, we’ll be forced to live blog the Suh-less Lions against the Saints on SNF just because the alternative is Chargers-Jaguars on Monday night. And Detroit is gonna lose by 40. Such is the live blog.
Gruden is very amused by people on crutches, btw, especially if they’re Sean Payton. In the waning minutes of the blowout, he had some poor production assistant bring him a pair to goof with in the booth. It’s not only visual puns that Gruden is after. He also clumsily described Payton as “up and at ‘em” right as the camera cut to Sean on crutches.
Then again, Payton does nothing to discourage this by using the crutches as a celebration prop. In the best of all worlds, we can impale Mike McCarthy on one in the NFC Championship Game.
Awwww, sorry Eagles. You’re a dream team deferred and other such lazy Vince Young jokes. It was nice that you kept the game interesting for the duration of the broadcast. That was a thankful departure for the live blog. A entertaining, mostly well executed game. To their credit, the Eagles also provided a few memorable derps, like Chas Henry missing a wide open receiver on a 4th down punt fake. And Jeremy Maclin falling down on another late 4th down attempt.
Still, this was something of a schadenfreude tease, this Iggles season. When Philly got Nnamdi (elite level pass interference penalty on the Bears’ last scoring drive) expectations were high. We feared that worst of all things – a first ever Eagles Super Bowl title. But, hell, this won’t even be a playoff team. What’s the fun in that?
Okay, it’s still a lot of fun. But you blew your fun load early. Watching the Eagles limp toward a mid-first round draft pick won’t be anywhere nearly as fun as a postseason meltdown.
Nevertheless, credit to Asante Samuel for playing through the very terrifying injury that is a GROIN LACERATION. LeSean McCoy expressed his solidarity through crotch grabs following his TD.
Let’s also give it up for Jay Cutler performing an impressive 6-step into a dumpoff. Who, when they first spotted that dour Midwestern Cutler moue, thought anything other than future B-boy? No one, obvs. Okay, maybe Jaws. Tonight, he tried to make it seem liked Sulky was forever destined to be one of the greats. And why not? A lot of people seem to be under the impression that Eli Manning is elite now. Hell, why not Cutty?
I feel like I spent all of Derpoween sitting out in the field waiting for The Great Pumpkin Marmalard to show himself, only for nothing but derps and derps and derps and derps. It felt like forever. But oh my. How ever did he derp.
In reality, they all derped. They derped their guts out. The Chargers derped so hard motherf*ckers wanna herp them. Marcus McNeill might have amassed a 2,000 yard season in penalty yardage tonight alone.
To their demerit, the Chiefs, too, did everything they could to lose this game. For those who love it when a team really tries to lose, when they take extra effort to set the table for the other team, bring out the fine china and write VICTORY on their plates in a sauce you’re not sophisticated enough to identify, you had to love the Chiefs tonight. In a game like this, you hate that someone had to be declared the winner, because these teams tried so hard to lose and it breaks your heart that one has to feign triumph when they gave their level best to fall on their faces.
Yes, but that’s Lions logo toast on your sign. WHOOPS! MIXED MESSAGES! Very modern art. “Ceci n’est pas une Bears toast” EITHER THAT OR GLOATING IS STILL NOVEL TO LIONS FANS
The penalty riddled opening drive of tonight’s game culminated with a familiar sequence for Lovie Smith. In Archer-friendly terms: CLASSIC LOVIE SMITH. After the Bears failed on a 3rd and short in Lions territory, Lovie called a timeout, then proceeded to run the exact same play, which naturally failed. Not content to settle for mere pedestrian failure, Lovie challenged the spot of the ball on the 4th down, which was clearly short to even the most glaucoma-stricken observer. Just a great job playing to type.
Look, we love Cutler sulks, possibly more than any.
HOWEVAH The Sulkface Chickenwing played about as well as he could have given his protection. Yeah, I gagged when Jaws started practicing his Romo kegels in the booth by saying it was the best performance of Cutler’s career, but we can still be somewhat fair while disdaining Jaws’ rampant starfluffing. Bet his QBR was through the roof! Also, there was Devin Hester’s big drop and other associated screwups. PK was talking mad shit on the Twitter, Hester. RETURN HIS CALLS! In addition to Cutler’s scary competency, Jahvid Best averaged more than six inches per carry. By a significant margin. Good thing there were flags on every play to distract from these frightening new realities.
SIDEBAR: “Arrested Development” returned to Detroit before the rest of the country.
There were several audio errors at the outset of the broadcast that gave Jon Gruden a temporary Max Headroom effect. It’s possible it was an eerie side effect of the Orange Drank “Mega Juice” that Gruden was lugging around in the booth in honor of Megatron’s favorite sideline Pedialyte receptacle. It’s funny because Gruden might actually be more tolerable if he were drunk.
Amigos… got that. Now someone search Babelfish for “rowdy”.
Wooftastic derpfest, all around. Between Steelers-Colts and tonight’s game, this was a banner week for closely contested football of extremely poor quality in primetime. We are a nation in need of flex.
For our three hours of viewership, we were awarded with nine field goals, four turnovers and a touchdown pass in the flat to Tim Hightower that was still almost dropped. Oh, and an inexhaustible amount of Tony Romo fluffing. Yes, yes, the ESPN booth is packed to the gills with starf*ckers, so we shouldn’t be surprised. But the herculean lengths that Jaws went to to excuse Romo for every Cowboys mistake. He wouldn’t even try that hard to save his family from a burning building. Unless Romo accidentally started the fire and Jaws didn’t want Romo blamed for any fatalities. Possibly then.
Let’s use for an example, say, an underthrown ball in the end zone to Marty B. Marty is covered by a DB at least eight inches shorter than him. Rather than throw a jump ball, Romo tries to drill it in Bennett’s chest.
SPIN IT JAWS: “Martellus Bennett simply has to anticipate that his quarterback is suffering from a rib injury and is therefore unlikely to get the ball where it needs to be. Disappointing effort there by the tight end.”
AND THIS 30 SECONDS OF CRAZY STRAW QUAFFING FROM ROMO’S URETHRA WHEN THE COWBOYS TOOK THE LEAD! NOT ONE SOLITARY TOUCHDOWN SCORED! AND YET THIS! GAHHHHHHHH!
I will grant that not every mistake was on Romo. See? Fairness! Phil Costa is already being mishandled into an unmarked grave outside Cowboys Stadium. We will forever remember the best two-yard gain ever, however. Your legacy lives on, Costa.
Anyway, back to Romo and how odious he is. OH THE MATURITY! OUTWARDLY BLAMING HIS TEAMMATES ON NEAR PEYTON-ESQUE LEVELS! WAH WAH WAHHHHH!
If only you’d have had one more drive in you, Rexy. Or one fewer fumble. Either way, this will probably trigger a sequence of events that leads to John Beck starting miserably in a few weeks, because, as we know, nothing fun can stay.
I think Brett Favre started this game only so ESPN could have one more quarter of stroking him long and hard before Corey Wootton could bounce his head off the rock-hard turf. And stroke they did. Jaws made sure to take every last snap as an airport tongue bath before Brett boarded the gate for long overdue retirement.
That’ll do, Brett. That’ll do.
You drove from Florida for a game that he wasn’t expected to start until two hours before kickoff? WEST PALM BEACH KNOWS TOO MUCH!
I can’t say I watched a lot of the Giants-Vikes game, but from what little I did, I could tell I wasn’t missing much. And ESPN seems dedicated to catching you up on all the forlorn looks Brittfar made on the sidelines. Among every other shopworn moment from his thankfully concluded career.
Hard to tell but that hat plays Big K.R.I.T.’s ” Country Shit” on loop.
The regularly scheduled Monday night game wasn’t faring much better until Houston peeled off an amazing comeback to tie the game with a touchdown and two-point conversion with less than 30 seconds on the clock. It being the Texans, though, they had to find a way to blow it. Of course they did. Bastards.
ESPN is better than most about getting ridiculous crowd shots. Hell, you’re lucky if you ever see NFL Network pan a camera through the stands. Normally, that means a few of the most retarded fans make the entire fan base look bad, but man, Houston really brought its tard fan game to a new level on Monday. Just uncanny amounts of fan DERPitude.
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