When you think of me, Tim Tebow, I want you to think of one thing: hustle and determination. I want you to think of my love for the game of football and my prediliction for Filipino foreskin. I want you to think of leadership. And now, all of those qualities and more can be delivered right to your door with the new Tim Tebow statue, featuring me. Tim Tebow.

That’s me with the ball.

For the low low price of twelve thousand dollars, you can order a life-sized statue of me! Tim Tebow, playing the game in the way that countless obese caucasian jouralists would swear it was meant to be played. Look at how I’m pointing my finger at nothing in particular. That’s showing leadership. If my teammates had statues, those statues would see how much my statue cared about them.

Wait a second. This says the statue is only fifteen inches tall. Sorry about that.

But that is not all. If you act now, you will receive a copy of my memoir, Through My Eyes. It is the greatest memoir allegedly written by a 23-year-old that you will ever read. You will enjoy the countless tales of leadership and hustle and determination and caring and foreskin. That book is yours with a purchase of the statue, since we can only sell so many of these at church.

I want to apologize again for incorrectly describing the size of the statue. I take my preparation very seriously and I will do better the next time someone decides to mass-market any sculpture of my likeness. I think you will have a much easier time with a smaller statue than a life-sized statue anyway, especially since I don’t think shipping is included.

I want to apologize for not being aware of the shipping costs associated with this product. I will look into that and get back to you right away.

Thank you and Godbless.

Most people that have lived in the deep south understand the difficulty that pro football endures in winning over hearts and minds in the Bible Belt. Most so-called “Yankees” could pull their hair out listening to how locals prefer the college game, because the “student-athletes” there play for the love and not at all for the chance to cash in with a big NFL contract in three or four years.

I had a conversation earlier this week with Jay Busbee, noted double-fisting Yahoo! blogger and Atlanta native. He said on the podcast that in terms of overall popularity in the city, Jay puts Georgia football and even Georgia Tech football ahead of the Falcons, depending on how those teams are playing. That seems nuts to me, especially when the ACC seems content to serve as a BCS undercard. You have no reason to be excited about anything when Wake Forest wins your league.

Jay also talked about his new book, Bluff City, which is a crime/humor/thriller tale several years in the making. It’s only $3, which I told him was too cheap. We also chatted with NBA analyst Jackie Taylor, who joined the chorus of pundits talking shtt about LeBron James. It’s more fun than watching the Finals!

If you want to listen to the podcast, you can listen live here, download the MP3, AND/or subscribe on iTunes. Do people still use iTunes? I really have no idea.

DREW ROSENHAUS: Plax! You’re out, man! Oh I missed you so much! Give your favorite superagent a hug!
Read the rest of this entry »

“You said you wanted a threesome.”

The best thing about bestiality is that the animal doesn’t care if you never call back. You can just hammer out your business in the barn and then go on about your day. Alas, we don’t pursue relationships with animals, but with other people. People with their own needs, their own opinions, and their own little ways of annoying us. People that want to spend time with us, people that want to share animals with us, and people that want to share other people. All these demands for sharing? People can be so selfish sometimes.

Mr. Ufford has handed me the reins this week, and I intend to whip hard, so let’s get to some questions. Heeya! Read the rest of this entry »

We’re in the dreaded NFL offseason. There’s still no real football for months, or maybe even longer. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the recurring This Week In F–k You series, to soothe your white hot anger. This week: Couples that want to share Facebook accounts. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s a well-established principle that every hero should have his own theme music, but what about us average bears who spend our days in adversity-free anonymity? Who’s gonna play us down to the copy machine? To the bar? To the men’s room in a hastened panic? Could imagine scrambling to the can while holding in a deuce the day after Taco Night as March Of The Valkyries plays over the PA? That would be the highlight of your week.

But how would YOU score your own daily routine? Better yet, WHO would you hire to score it for you? If you had to pick one recording artist to lay down the soundtrack of your life from this day forward, who would it be? It could be a soloist, a group, or even a classical composer with a 60-odd piece orchestra in tow.

So pick someone, wait ten picks, and pick someone else. I’m kicking this off with Jack White. I’d be fine with the bassline from “Seven Nation Army” leading me into whatever room I would enter. Now you try.

The discussion of whether or not a certain human being is “black enough” is really quite disgusting. There’s nothing more pathetic or sad to me than to see historically disenfranchised people fighting over exactly how entitled one could be to grievance or validation within their own societal subset.

Is George Lopez not “Mexican” enough because he doesn’t climb under a fence to reach his talk show studio? Did Hollywood kill off Marilyn Monroe by pointing out a Scratch-N-Sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool? Did the Teletubbies ever reject potential bretheren for lack of prominent cranial antennae?

Actually, they probably did. Fascist fleecy bastards.

Bernard Hopkins, noted authority on blackness, took umbrage with Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb because…well, nobody’s really sure.

Said Hopkins, via the Phillynews.com: “He’s got a suntan. That’s all.”[..]

“Why do you think McNabb felt he was betrayed?” Because McNabb is the guy in the house, while everybody else is on the field,” Hopkins said. “He’s the one who got the extra coat. The extra servings. ‘You’re our boy.’ He thought he was one of them.”

“McNabb? Great. Skills? Throw the ball? Great,” Hopkins said. “But there was something missing. Vick? He understands. And T.O. – same cloth.” Via.

Something missing? Because McNabb’s uniform pants weren’t hanging off his ass when he threw 14 touchdowns last season? Read the rest of this entry »

In order to prepare for the upcoming season, Matt Ryan and his teammates are practicing without pads or helmets. This will be beneficial, since the NFL plans to ban physical contact of any kind for 2011 games.

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Don’t get me wrong, there’s no more exciting period in the spring than the NFL Draft, but once the draft is over, my time and energy goes to my second passion: ranking and grading the rising stars in the world of porn. Whether or not the NFL extends its lockout into regular season, the hard-working men and women of the adult film industry will be working harder than ever. And if you think earning a living in pro football is tough, you don’t know the half of it. Read the rest of this entry »

For the podcast this week, we played a game called “NFL Draft Pick Or Registered Sex Offender?”, where I read a name to the panel and they had to guess, judging solely from the name, which particular database included that player. For those of you stuck at work without headphones, I’m going to list the names here and let you guys judge for yourself. I’ll post the answers in the comments later today.

Andrew Vizcarra.

Anthony Castonzo.

Orpheus Anderson.

Demarcus Van Dyke.

Sergey Proshak.

Jonas Mouton.

Dontay Moch.

Jywanza McWhorter.

Michael Faggard.

Sione Fua.

We have some other football talk on this football podcast this week. On this week’s HOUSE OF PUNTE, Dan Levy fills in as a special guest co-host, making his first return to podcasting since hanging up his own show late last month. Our guest was Brian Bassett of The Jets Blog, and we recapped the draft and discussed the mouthpiece that is Rex Ryan, who was on Colbert last night. If he hadn’t been “writing” a book and spent a little more time with his team, the Jets might have made it to the Super Bowl.

Listen to the podcast below or download the mp3. Follow the podcast on Twitter. Subscribe and rate us on iTunes.