No, seriously. Don’t call it that. The KSK podcast returns with a whimper as PUNTE and Brandon from Ramblings of the Unmotivated (and now Gunaxin) run down the cancellation of Sunday Night Football, discuss the joys of getting drunk with a clown in Vegas, and the latest spreads for Week 8 action in the NFL. And if that wasn’t enough of a trainwreck, the duo FINALLY air the “lost” interview with Jay Busbee of Yahoo!’s Devil Ball Golf and From The Marbles (NASCAR) blogs. Christmas Ape joins the interview via phone as well. It’s the most soothing train wreck to which you’ll ever have the pleasure of listening. This marathon return checks in at about 2 hours and change, making it roughly two hours too long. Minor Audio Fluctuations early. This podcast is a real bear at 122 minutes, but we start with the picks in the first half hour. Recorded Wednesday.

Episode 20* of HOUSE OF PUNTE: The KSK Podcast. PUNTE, Brandon, Christmas Ape, and Jay Busbee.

* Not really 20th episode

DIRECTOR: Alright, everyone are we ready? Great shoot so far, everyone! People are really going to love this new Value Meal commercial. Alright ready lights… ready camera…and–

[cell phone rings]

Ahh, dammit! I have to get this. Everybody take five, alright? [crew disperses]

FRENCH FRIES: [To Hamburger] So what are you doing this weekend?

HAMBURGER: Oh, I don’t know, man. Maybe just relax, spend some time with my kids. You know, no big thing. What about you?

FRENCH FRIES: Actually,one of the guys on the crew gave me tickets to the Chargers game this Sunday. It’s a bit of a drive to get down there, but it should be a great game. They’re playing the Raiders. It’s gonna be awesome.

HAMBURGER: Nah, man I can’t do that.

FRENCH FRIES: What do you mean? Sure you can! You can do it.

HAMBURGER: Oh, great. Yeah. That’s it. Just walk right up to the front gate of the stadium like some ordinary asshole du jour, eh? Just mosey on up with my ticket in tow, huh? Those sons of bitches wouldn’t let me in on their best day. You know why?

FRENCH FRIES: Why?

HAMBURGER: Because I’m a fucking hamburger, asshole! You don’t know what it’s like for our kind! You’re just a goddamn fry! Fries are always made fresh! Fries are always piping hot! Not us, you skinny French fuck. My brothers will wait in that warmer for DAYS before somebody deems them worthy. DAYS, you frivolous peasant! DAYS!

FRENCH FRIES: Frivolous peasant?

HAMBURGER: Oh, you think you know what’s best for everyone? You think you know what’s best for the Coca-Cola? What do you know about Coca-Cola, you baguette-bangin’ bitch!

COKE: Hey, leave me out of this.

HAMBURGER: You think you know what’s best for sweet tea? Sweet tea is sold by the GALLON, Pierre! WHO THE FUCK EVER SOLD YOU BY THE GALLON?

FRENCH FRIES: Look, I’m sorry, man. I…I didn’t–

HAMBURGER: Didn’t what? Didn’t get your bicycle-riding ass out of the Louvre long enough to realize THE PLIGHT OF THE ALL-BEEF PATTY? You’ll never understand what it’s like! You know why?

FRENCH FRIES: Because you’re a–

HAMBURGER: BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING HAMBURGER! STUFF THAT IN YOUR CREPE, GARCON!

FRENCH FRIES: get it, alright. You’re making French cracks because I’m a–

HAMBURGER: YOU DON’T GET A GOT-DAMN THING! YOUR TIGHT GOLDEN BROWN ASS SITS IN THAT FRYER ALL DAY! YOU DON’T GET SHIT! AIN’T NOBODY SQUIRTIN’ KETCHUP ON YO’ ASS. ANY NOBODY HITTIN’ YOUR CHAMPS-ELYSSES ASS WITH THAT SPECIAL SAUCE, ! You get a little of that bitch-ass salt and that’s it! You don’t know what it’s like on the GRILL, nigga! You know why?

FRENCH FRIES: …

HAMBURGER: I said YOU KNOW WHY, CHARLES DE GUALLE?

FRENCH FRIES: …I give up.

HAMBURGER: BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING hamburger! And yo’ crunchy ass better recognize!

FRENCH FRIES: Sure, bro. Whatever.

DIRECTOR: [comes back in] Alright, everyone! Let’s knock this last shot out and we can all go home!

FRENCH FRIES: Uh…I’m gonna need a minute [walks off]

GAFFER ON CREW: Hey, where are the fries going?

DIRECTOR: [to Hamburger] Jeez, he’s a bit of a prima donna, isn’t he?

HAMBURGER: TELL ME THE FUCK ABOUT IT!

Hey, babe. We’ve been together for quite some time, now. Sure, three months may not seem that long to a lot of people, but I think it’s great. Come on inside. Sit down for a second. I have to ask you something.

Baby, would you be willing to sign a prenup?

NO NO NO, that wasn’t a proposal! Baby, I just wanted to know that if we ever got to that point where we’d be able to–Baby, what ring?! I don’t have a ring. No, I just wanted to know if that was something you’d consider. After all, you never gave my wanting anal or that gang-bang with Jordan Palmer a second thought.

Baby, where ya going? Come back! All I’m talking about is a previously negotiated division of property in the instance of dissolution! Any maybe some more anal! Baby, please!

Oh, you wanted a preview of the actual games? Sheesh. Alright…

Buffalo @ Carolina. Pop Warner offense meets “Pop Goes The Rotator Cuff” offense. Seriously, the Bills have been shitty for quite some time, but what the balls has happened to Jake Delhomme? Ever since he threw 19 interceptions against the Cardinals, he’s been more erratic than corn futures. Does the mob have naked pictures of your wife, Jake? It’s okay, you can tell us…

Jets @ Oakland. I actually am starting JaMaRCuS Russell in one of my seven fantasy leagues this week. I’m not bragging about it. It’s in an 18-team league where my only other viable options are Brady Quinn and Garo Yepremian. But even Russell hasn’t been handing out the ball like Mark Sanchez has been (5 picks against the Bills last week. The fuckin’ Bills, man! And seriously, if you’re one of the seven people still calling him “Dirty” Sanchez, just stop right now. That shit was never half as witty as you thought it was.

Chicago @ Cincinnati. The Bengals are 4-2 and have a chance to reclaim the division lead if they can get past the stoic Cutler and the Bears. I like to think of Cutler as a tall tree on a beach, and the surf is coming in and waves are crashing down on the beach and the tree is just standing there, and he’s thinking, “I don’t give a fuck, I’m a tree.” That’s Cutler to me.

Atlanta @ Dallas. Marion Barber is probable (thigh) so he’ll probably run for 130 yards and 2 TDs. Seriously, this guy would be a lock for the Hall-of-Fame if he could just stretch his career to ten years. But the way he plays, I don’t see it happening. He’ll just be another Eddie George.

New Orleans @ Miami. That’s a Super Bowl preview right there. The Super Bowl’s in Miami, right? Oh, haha, wait you thought…the Dolphins…oh, man, that’s good shit.

Enjoy the 4 pm games. Or don’t. Like I give a fuck.

Rather than indulge every reader with a fantasy football question and a sex question from the same reader, we’ll spread the wealth and answer the better of the two from those who made the dubious walk to the Fountain of Knowledge and Ridicule. We’re mixing it up “just because;” don’t get used to it. Feel free to complain about the new format in the comments. As if such an invitation was necessary.

Here we go.

KSK,

Started dating a girl a couple of months ago when I knew that both of us would be leaving town. I meant it as an end of the summer thing, she thought it was the beginning of a serious relationship. She moved a few hours away two weeks ago and I told her that I was not willing to do long distance.

Commendable. LDRs are really just half of a relationship. I always get pissed off when people tell me that they’ve dated for three years, but that they were in other cities for more than half of that. THAT ISN’T DATING. You can play chess on a postcard that way, but relationships involve routine interaction that are almost always dependent upon living in the same city. Anyway…

On the way to an interview, I visited for the weekend and didn’t leave the apartment except for food, liquor, or condoms. Also got the beginnings of anal for the first time (for both of us). She has expressed the desire to have me put it in her butt again (which I would quite like). I will be passing through her area again in another couple of weeks.

Passing through WHICH area? Sorry. It’s been a long day.

Is it a.Wrong to sleep with a girl that would like more than I am willing to give in terms of a relationship?

I think as long as you’ve been clear about your intentions (or lack thereof) and she seems agreeable to those conditions, you’re free to pass through any area you please. Just be sure that you’re not inviting the crazy that will come along with this girl by getting her hopes up.

b. [Is it] Worth inviting the crazy that will come along with this girl by getting her hopes up(she is already starting down that road)?

Aw, shit.

Should I stay with her again on my way through her town (it’ll definitely be the last time for months, likely ever)? If it’s worth anything to you, she has the biggest tits I’ve ever been with and is down for anything in the sack. –”Matt”

Why would big tits be worth anything TO ME? I’m not the one passing through her area. Anyway, if you’re looking for a KSK-sanctioned blessing to eat and run, I’m sorry to disappoint (Not really, because you’re a dick for leading her on, but you already knew that).

Dear (unnecessary adjective) (unfunny nickname)s of (poon/dick joke),

Great effort there, dickbag.

Fantasy: Breesus Christ is on bye. Who do I start in his place: McNasty coming off a rib injury and possibly not being 100% against the shitacular Bucs, Shaun Hill vs. the Dirty Birds, or, God forbid, Horsie Balls against Buffalo’s defense, who seemingly has nobody left healthy in the secondary (4 pts/TD, 1 pt/25 yds)? And another quickie: Jacobs vs. Oakland or Slaton @ Arizona (PPR scoring, 1 pt/10 yds, 6 pts/TD).

–Marmalard’s Asking Me

I have to go with Hill, if only because he’s the guy who’s been playing regularly. Anderson and McNabb are not guys you want to count on coming off the bench, especially at quarterback, where fantasy points at that position are essential. And I like Jacobs against Oakland for your RB matchup, as I expect the Giants to lean on BJ with Eli hurt, and most likely lead in the second half.

Hey Bros,
Sex: A friend and I were recently reading a love advice column a bit like this one and a male reader sent in a concern regarding the anal bargaining process.

The Anal Bargaining Process is slated as a midsummer replacement reality show on FOX.

In order to get his wife to open her poop gates, she demanded an act just as despicable from him in retribution: he would first have to eat his own cum.

WOW.

The girl I was with thought this was absolutely disgusting and also a lopsided deal. I agreed, but who knows what kind of appetite I’d have when drunk. The advice giver advised the man to nut up and eat his own cum, so what do y’all think, deal? or no deal?

Your girl was right, that WAS a lopsided deal. BUT, it’s a deal that would (hopefully) pay itself off over time. Whereas the gentleman was only subjected to ONE instance of self-tasting, he would enjoy the corn-holed fruits of his labor for as long as he was in that relationship.

Everybody’s got a price; it just depends on how badly you want to stick it in her ass. That said, I can’t believe that a woman would have any respect for a guy after watching him swallow his own load.

Fantasy Football
1. pick three from these four wrs: OchoCinco vs. Bal, Hines vs. Det, Marshall vs. NE, or TO vs Cle.
2. My running back corps consists of Mojo, Thomas Jones, Gore, and Beanie in a small (8 team) league. Should I panic? –”Bootsie”

Hines Hines Hines! Detroit hasn’t stopped the pass against anyone all year. I also like Marshall and TO, in that order. Very favorable matchups. And don’t panic about your running backs, but since we’re immersed in the bye period of the schedule, you should definitely be shopping TO and Ocho to see what you can find. And the only reason I called you Bootsie was because you didn’t give me your own fake name to use.

What’s up Prophets of Penis Prose (Did I do it right?)–

Yup.

Alright, so I dated this girl for about three months starting from the end of last semester, over the summer, and we broke up late July. This part won’t be my question, but (I think) it’s such a great story that I should share it.

Sigh. Continue.

The reason she wanted “a break” (that’s what she called it) was because she “wanted the ability to see her friends that she usually sees over the summer,” but we were going to try and talk again before her birthday. She lives about an hour away, so I was fine with that, whatever. Her birthday’s in the middle of August, and I bought her tickets for the Tigers-Red Sox game…Nothing happened besides talking, although we slept in the same bed, and I left in the morning and I was fine.

The next week, her actual birthday, I decide to drive down and surprise her. She had a party with her friends the day before that I didn’t know about, and when I got to her house, she was surprised, but in a bad way. She wouldn’t let me in the house. I said, “Fine, just come outside and we’ll talk.” We’re talking and then she very casually brings up how there’s another guy in the house, and she’s been seeing him on our break, and I realize they were probably fucking while I was driving there to surprise her…Some background about this fucker she’s dating now: he does hard drugs and graduated high school at 20. He works at the restaurant with her.

Drugs?

Alright, here’s my actual question. While we were dating, I acquired a decent set of pictures. Good pictures.

Acquired? Or stole?

I’ve been weighing whether or not I should delete them or not. No one knows they’re on my computer besides me, and she probably thinks I deleted them. I don’t talk to her anymore, and I don’t plan on posting them or anything (sorry) but should I just go ahead and delete them? Some part of me wants to keep them (probably for a spank bank) but is that fucked up?

“Rusty”

Honestly, I don’t see the fuss in you keeping them. You’re trying to justify this with yourself by telling us this pathetic story of you taking her to a game and then finding out that, ZOMG, she was banging another dude. Relax. Take the knife away from your own throat. The only issue with the “spank bank” is that an ideal gallery would include images of women with whom you don’t (or didn’t) share any emotional connection.

Fantasy football conundrum:

I’m leaning towards going with Rice and Westbrook. But Rice is such a TD blank Hightower or Harrison could easily do better.

I like Hightower and Westbrook, mostly for the matchups, plus Westbrook can bring himself to play at a high level coming off the shelf. I don’t really know what kind of day Rice will have against a Bengals D that has been playing fairly well of late.

And for copulation conundrums…

I’ve written before, I was the 1 millionth anal question guy.

Your commemorative beads are in the mail.

Anyway the girl is great and I really do like her a lot. Thing is Im getting to meet more Americans here in Peru and it has me kinda longing for a nice easy to communicate relationship. Plus, most of these american broads are dying for an American guy. My spanish speaking goes well but sometimes it can be frustrating with the girlfriend. Although its gotten better. I guess I’m probably better off with the Spanish speaking cutie but is it wrong of me to just want to be lazy and have somebody that is easier to connect with?

And for the record I mean she is a really great person overall and I sometimes question how likely I’d be to find somebody as cool. Just that whole communication boundary can be a real bitch.

I don’t give a fuck how hard it is to communicate. FOREIGN WOMEN KICK ASS. Time to brush up on your Spanish. Trust me, there are plenty of lonely, English-speaking heifers waiting for you to come back to the States. WHEN IN ROME, FUCK THE ROMAN CHICKS!

Gents,

A guy in my league grew frustrated with Crabtree and dropped him right before he signed. My backup WRs are Nate Burleson, Patrick Crayton and Steve Breaston. Do you think it’s worth dropping one of those guys, who are reliable but by no means spectacular, and taking a chance on Crabtree? If so, which one should I drop?

Drop Crayton. I’ve had that fucker each of the last two years and he’s a perennial disappointment. At least Crabtree has upside.

Sex:

My girlfriend, who is coming into town today, recently said she’d be willing to let me enter through the backdoor. I’m a bit conflicted because, honestly, I don’t really care. I’m not averse to the idea so part of me thinks I should just go for it. But I’m 98% positive she doesn’t really want to do it (100% she never has) and it was just meant to be a gesture of goodwill, so I feel like it would be more respectful of her open-mindedness if I saved it for something that was actually important to me, sexual or otherwise. Thoughts? –”G”

Saved it? THAT SHIT DON’T ACCRUE INTEREST, YO. It’s an invitation to sodomize. It’s not a money market fund. But yeah, I don’t get the anal thing, either. It’s really an infatuation for the small-dicked. It never hurts to just keep that in mind for later. You know, for when you two live in the same city and are engaged in an actual relationship.

Sirs,

I just picked up Kenny Britt, what’re your thoughts on him?

I’ve shared my boner for Hines this week already. I also like Roddy and Percy. But not much.

Does anyone at KSK (or the commenting community) have any experience with women who’ve had laser hair removal on their ‘gines? My girlfriend’s considering. Here’s the thing, I was once with a whore (whore like “escort”), and it seemed like that’s what she had done…but it was weird. Just seemed off, noticeably different from shaved or waxed vaginas, and enough so that I’m not sure how I feel about it. Maybe it was weird just because she was a whore. Maybe because a lasered vag is weird? Any thoughts on this?

Bush.

Oy Gentlemen,
First with the sex: My girl and I have been together for almost two years now, and I’ll admit it anonymously over the internet that I’ve started thinking of possibly spending the rest of my life with her. She’s beyond my league lookswise, a great cook, and doesn’t hold back in bed, great right? I thought I was the luckiest man in the world until I ran into a little, um, roadblock recently.

Do tell.

Ok, last week me and my girl go out for a friend’s birthday, and as per usual, get wasted drunk. Anyways, we end up back at my place at the end of the night and try to knock out some drunk sex before sleep. Well, she’s going down on me and in bed I like to dominate so I usually like to shove my dick in as far in her mouth as I can to get her gagging (She’s into this, so it all works out.)

Healthy. And awesome.

Well, this particular night after a few minutes, I guess I got too aggressive and gagged her to the point where she vomited all over my crotch. Like, all over.

Wait, I thought you said she was “into it.”

I’m going to spare you the details of what that feels like, but rest assured there was a lot of disgusted screaming and apologizing going on. This has never happened before. I was repulsed. Ultimately we tried to just laugh it off and pretend that it never happened but since Operation Blowchunks, I haven’t been able to ‘get up’ for any kind of intimacy with her. I have no problem getting hard with my porn stash or while thinking about others, but I haven’t been able to do the deed with her. She’s terribly embarassed and I don’t make her feel bad about it. But the mental image of Butter Chicken n tequila spilled over my buddy down below is burned into my head. What can I do to get things back to the way they used to be? There’s got to be a way to eventually go over this right?

Dude, it’s just puke on your junk. What’s the big deal?

With Drew having left for the airport to see his Vikings play the Packers (and then subsequently realizing that his flight was booked EIGHT DAYS LATER), the weekly ritual of mocking the NFL’s noted sports and travel writer falls on someone else’s shoulders this week. Hopefully you’ll still enjoy the same dick joke taste. And personally, I don’t know what the dealio is with SI.com, but now it seems that I can’t copy excerpts from that site from Google Chrome into our Wordpress editor. BRING BACK MY COPY AND PASTE SO I CAN RIDICULE YOU IN A LESS TIME-CONSUMING MANNER, KING! HOLD STILL WHILE I BEAT YOU DOWN, YOU FAT BEANTOWN BITCH!

1. The Giants might or might not be the best team in football, but I can tell you this:

TELL ME, GODDAMMIT! I’M ON VERITABLE PINS AND NEEDLES HERE!

They’re the deepest.

Oh.

“Jerry Reese is a psychic, I think,” Justin Tuck said from Kansas City, where the Giants had ho-hummed a 27-16 win over the Chiefs. It’s the second straight week New York toyed with a bad team, and the Giants have won their four games by an average of 11 points.

THEY’RE A GREAT TEAM BECAUSE THEY’VE BEATEN TEAMS THAT EVERYONE KNOWS ARE TERRIBLE! WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY GODDAMN CAPS LOCK?!

We’ll start to find out how good the Giants are Oct. 18, when they visit the Saints, with New Orleans coming off its bye.

NEW ORLEANS HAS BEEN BEATING SHITTY TEAMS JUST AS WELL as you. Oh, there we go.

2. The Saints look like the best team in football.

But are they the deepest? STOP HOLDING OUT ON ME, YOU CHINO-CLAD FUCK!

The Giants, Colts and Vikings might be too, and Denver and Baltimore and New England … well, proclaiming a best team is a foolish pursuit on Oct. 5.

So is taking a shit in coach class, but foolish pursuits are the spice of this man’s life.

But if the Saints are the best, I credit a decision Sean Payton made back on Jan. 13, sitting by the firepit in his backyard in Louisiana with a cold beer in his hand.

Was it behind the wheel of a Bentley in Miami? Because I think I’ve heard this story before…

At the time, he really wanted to hire Gregg Williams as his defensive coordinator; Williams had a history of making chicken salad out of chicken feathers, and Payton knew his talent on defense was decent but limited, particularly in pressure packages.

HIS DEFENSE WAS MAKE OF CHICKEN FEATHERS! CHICKEN FEATHERS RIPE FOR CHICKEN SALAD PREPERATION!

“So I had a couple of beers in me,” Payton told me over the weekend, “and I start thinking, ‘I make enough money. We really need this guy. I’m going to offer some of my own money to try to make this happen.’

His own money! Sean Payton makes a SICK AMOUNT OF MONEY! How sick? ‘Swine flu’ sick?

So the next day, I walk into [general manager] Mickey Loomis’ office and say,

“Marry me!”

‘Mickey, take $250,000 of my salary, add it onto our offer for Gregg and let’s get this thing done right now.’ Mickey called [owner] Tom Benson, they discussed it, and they agreed. So we upped the offer.”

IT WAS NOT THE BEST OFFER, BUT IT WAS THE DEEPEST!

One other thing: Payton knew it was important to Williams that he work with his son, Blake, an aspiring football coach who prepped at Princeton, and so the Saints brought him in as an offensive assistant working with the line.

He “prepped” at Princeton, and they know a thing or two about chicken salad! All they do there is eat!

Williams saw the welcome mat. He took the three-year coaching offer, and the match has been perfect.

Great story. I might even FUCKING SAY IT WAS A GODDAMN LOFTY STORY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CAPS LOCK, SI.COM?!

3. Feel-good story of the year? Denver.

Feeling up story of the year? Shawne Merriman.

[T]here’s one thing you have to love about the Broncos: They’ve got a Patriot way (what a coincidence!) of tuning out the outside crappola and focusing on the only thing that matters — the next play.

THIS IS A CRAPPOLA-FREE WORKPLACE, YOU FAGGOTS! TAKE YOUR CRAPPOLA TO THE LOADING DOCK! THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, HETEROS!

How can you not love this game tonight?

It’s like two evenly-matched bowls of chicken salad! Chicken salad for everyone!

One of the keys to Minnesota-Green Bay, obviously, is the Vikings sticking to the type of football they’ve played in their 3-0 start.

IF YOU DO WHAT YOU DID WHEN YOU WON THOSE OTHER GAMES, YOU MIGHT WIN THIS GAME! THAT’S VERY HELPFUL TO YOUR CAUSE!

Minnesota’s on a 54-46 run-pass ratio, and why not?

Seriously, why the fuck don’t teams just throw the ball 80 percent of the time? GET TO WHERE THE FUCK YOU’RE GOING. Do I drive 46 percent of the way to work and then park and WALK THE REST OF THE GODDAMN WAY?! I SHOULD THINK NOT, CAMEL COCK! Or…maybe this is why not.

You can’t take away the Favre drama tonight in Minneapolis, but the football’s going to be really exciting.

Better than Chiefs-Rams? You promise?

Quote of the Week I

“What’s it gonna be next week? Two-hand touch?”

WHY CAN’T I DIVE TOWARD TOM BRADY’S KNEE WITH IMPUNITY?

– Baltimore pass rusher Terrell Suggs after getting a questionable roughing-the-passer call by referee Ron Winter for brushing against Tom Brady’s knee while Suggs was on the ground at New England Sunday.

He dove at Brady’s knee and made contact. If that didn’t warrant a flag, there wouldn’t be any quarterbacks left in this league.

Forty percent of the Green Bay active roster has never met Brett Favre. Of the 53 players eligible to dress for the Packers in the Metrodome tonight, 21 joined the team after Favre’s departure in March 2008.

Why, it’s almost as if they MOVED ON AS A TEAM WITHOUT HIM! I’M STUNNED THAT THE CITY OF GREEN BAY DIDN’T SIMPLY SHUT DOWN THE FRANCHISE WHEN HE LEFT! Seriously, how the fuck is this STILL an angle?!

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Let’s go with “Aggravating”…I’m sorry? Oh, I thought you were polling me.

For 24 years, I lived in New Jersey, until moving to Boston last winter.

FACKING FAGGITT or something. Blah blah blah, that thing that Drew does.

I’ve found myself getting melancholy for the Garden State. Friday and Saturday illustrate why.

Do tell!

Spent Friday at Jets camp, 30 minutes west of the Meadowlands in Florham Park, with lunch in tony Madison with Darrelle Revis and Jerricho Cotchery.

NO, GODDAMMIT! THAT WAS SARCASM!

Had pizza and Peronis with lots of old friends in Cedar Grove at Lombardi’s, which has the most underrated thin-crust pizza in Essex County.

Thinner crust means you can fit more in your pockets!

Drove into the city Friday night around 10, passed Giants Stadium and realized how old I am; what was I doing driving past a Springsteen show at the Meadowlands and not stopping for the final hour?

Probably because he sucks. Seriously, if Springsteen would have been from Albuquerque, nobody would have given a shit. But you Jersey fucks have built a reputation propping him up as the messiah, even now. THE GUY HASN’T RELEASED JACK SHIT FOR 15 YEARS! But hey, that Super Bowl halftime was something. Good show. BUT IT WAS NOT LOFTY! Not lofty…

a. Why, FOX, why? Why show the top 10 plays of Brett Favre’s career? How many celebrations of his career have you done, and how many more will you do?

Pot, you remember Kettle, don’t you? From the stove?

h. Wow. Did you see that handshake between John Harbaugh and Bill Belichick? Harbaugh belichicked Belichick! Gave him the dead-fish handshake that Belichick has given Eric Mangini and Rex Ryan.

First time I’ve ever heard “dead fish” used to describe a handshake. But with Belichick, the term describes him almost universally.

i. I really like Steelers returner Stefan Logan, who’s 60 percent the player Darren Sproles is … at about 10 percent of the cost.

The guy that was robbed by a white man last night and almost single-handedly let the Chargers back into the game last night? Yeah, he’s great.

b. Indigent Retired Players Day. Leroy Kelly, a Hall of Famer, has a pension of $176 a month. Scores of players, well into the hundreds, don’t have the medical care they need. The league and its players are making headway toward ameliorating the crisis, but not soon enough.

Smarter minds than mine can figure out how to draw attention to these issues, but I do know this: A much-needed bridge between players and owners would be built if the owners spent the kind of lockstep verve on these issues some weekend as the league, the players and its network partners did in unison on breast cancer awareness Sunday.

Seriously, NFL. Fuck your pink shoes and fuck you.

Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick…

There’s been a lot of grumbling over the years for a national amendment to the Constitution to legalize gay marriage. There are a lot of rights that married couples have that the pillow-biters don’t have. But what about the rights that gay couples have? Like the right to go into a bathroom stall and have sex whenever they want? Being the same gender means they can use the same bathroom. Straight couples can’t do that. This really has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

The Miami Dolphins are one of six teams to start the season 0-3. The others are the Rams, Browns, Chiefs, Titans, and Buccaneers. The Tennessee Titans won their division last year. So did the Dolphins. The Buccaneers almost won their division, but they didn’t. And the Chiefs and Browns weren’t even close to winning their divisions. Winning a division is hard in pro football. It’s not as hard as winning a conference, but it’s harder than winning a single game.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have lost two games in a row, first to the Chicago Bears and then this past weekend to the Cincinnati Bengals. They seem to have trouble against teams from cities starting with the letter C, but why? How would they do against the Carolina Panthers? The team plays in Charlotte, North Carolina. That starts with C, but they don’t call themselves Charlotte, they call themselves Carolina. “Carolina” starts with C, but Carolina’s not a city. It’s not even a state. Maybe its an American territory, like Guam. Lovely summers in Guam, though the child prostitution there isn’t what it used to be.

Brett Favre threw another game-winning touchdown pass last weekend. San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary only played six defensive backs against Favre on that last defensive play, but why? Why not play eleven defensive backs? You know he’s going to throw it? Maybe the next time that happens, Singletary should play ten defensive backs, and one defensive lineman, or perhaps a very angry dog.

Jim Mora Junior seemed pretty put off when his Seattle Seahawks kicker missed two field goals in a game that Mora’s team lost by six points. Coaches and kickers never really get along in the first place, but why? Kickers are usually out of shape and only good at one particular skill. Football coaches are out of shape and only good at one particular skill, and some of them aren’t even good at that. And then there’s Dick Jauron, who’s anorexic and not particularly good at anything. Sounds like my granddaughter, Millie. Her name’s really Angela-Renee, but I like to call her Millie. Sounds less French.

And Detroit won its first game in nearly two years on Sunday. People in Detroit need something to feel good about these days, but why? They’re not building cars anymore. People there can’t afford to live in houses anymore. And the schoolchildren there suffer from low self-esteem since their mommies and daddies can’t afford to buy them all those nice things they see on TV. It won’t be long before Ma and Pa start pimping out these little tikes to the highest bidders in the U.S., Canada, or however far you can send a child with UPS’ two-day shipping. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

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I don’t think I like these new energy efficient light bulbs. They have this fancy new design that makes it look like some kind of pasta noodle, but why? Why design the glass part of the bulb to look like the screw part of the bulb? How do we know which end to stick into the socket? If we really wanted to be energy efficient, we’d all settle for candle wax stains in our carpeting.

Kurt Warner only threw two incomplete passes in Arizona’s win over Jacksonville Sunday. Nobody seems to want to watch the Jaguars play this season, but why? I think it’s because of Warner’s outspoken love for Jesus. And maybe something to do with the economy, too. Our country’s so poor right now that we can’t even afford a white president.

Everyone seems surprised that the Bears beat the Steelers last week in a pouring rain. Pro football makes its players play in the rain. That doesn’t happen in baseball, since the first baseball players in America were made entirely of sugar. Bears quarterback Jay Cutler isn’t made of sugar or spice or anything nice at all. How could somebody making so much money look so upset all the time. I have one guess. Hemorrhoids.

Jerry Jones opened a new stadium for the Dallas Cowboys over the weekend, but why? What was wrong with the old stadium. He made the roof the same shape and the seats the same color. Nobody would build a bigger house and then make it the same as their old house. That just seems silly to me. And then the New York Giants came over and beat the Cowboys on a last-second field goal. Usually in new surroundings, it’s the dog that soils the rug first.

People in Washington seem upset that Washington only beat the St. Louis Rams by two points Sunday, but why? They won the game, and yet people are still talking about firing Jim Zorn. It’s true that people get fired in Washington all the time, whether they’re doing their jobs or not. But I notice that Jim Zorn might be one of the skinniest coaches in the league. Surely it wouldn’t cost much to move him. Surely Dan Synder is keeping Zorn on staff because he costs less to feed.

The Miami Dolphins had the football for 45 minutes in their Monday Night game. And they still lost, but why? Why not take some of that time holding the football and just hide it? Peyton Manning can make all the hand signals he wants, but he can’t score a point if he can’t find the ball. I remember when I was in prep school; we used to take the smallest girls we could find and lock them in the janitor’s closet. Then we would tell the freshmen that the janitor was a child molester. Turns out he actually was, but none of us knew that at the time. That has nothing to do with football. I just find it interesting.

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People say baseball is the American pastime. But what about football? More Americans watch football on Sundays than anything else on television. But baseball gets more viewers during the week. But that’s probably because football games aren’t played during the week. But there’s not much tackling in baseball. Or padding. It’s probably because of the summer heat, which is much hotter than winter heat, or even autumn heat.

Pittsburgh and Tennessee played on Thursday. One team is named after a city, and the other team is named after a state, but why? I don’t like teams being named after entire states, so I’m glad that the team named after a city won the game. Next year the NFL might name a team after the entire country. They’ll try to get everyone rooting for the United States Jaguars.

Donovan McNabb was hurt in his game on Sunday, but why? It was very common in the pre-industrial days for Negroes to fake injuries to get out work. The same thing happened to Juanita, my housekeeper. She’s Puerto Rican, but you get the idea.

Brandon Stokley caught a tipped pass and then ran all the way to the endzone. He tried to take more time by running parallel to the goaline for a while, but why? Why are the white players trying to make friends with certain parts of the field? I remember back in my Army days when I had a special courtship with a certain mailbox on 43rd and Broadway. I’ll always remember that mailbox. That was the second time my genitals got infected with tetanus. The nurses never seemed to mind the first time.

Seattle scored 28 points and shut out the St. Louis Rams. The Rams wear blue helmets with gold horns, but the horns used to be yellow. They changed the colors a few years ago, but why? I remember when the horns used to be white. It would be too dark on the helmet to make them black. The Vikings still have white horns on their helmets, but that’s probably because there aren’t any Negroes in Minnesota.

Drew Brees plays for the New Orleans Saints, and he threw six touchdowns against the Detroit Lions on Sunday. It wasn’t long ago when New Orleans was ravaged by a hurricane, and just recently people in Detroit lost their jobs when the job market crashed. None of this has anything to do with Drew Brees. I just think it’s interesting.

There were two games on Monday night this week, but why? Why not just have all the games on Monday night, and let people decide which games to watch. They could listen to the game on the phone if they wanted to. I remember when phones still had cords on them. You could swing the phone around on the cord all the time. It was a perfect device for getting the lady of the house back in line. But I couldn’t do that if I have to watch two football games on Monday night. There’s so little time for beating your wife during the week as it is. None of this has anything to do with football. I just think it’s interesting.

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Friday. It’s a, uh, Sexy Friday. This reminds me of the time, and I shouldn’t even say that, because it happened when I was a Broncos fan, and I’m not a Broncos fan anymore. But this reminds me of the time when my mother hired a housekeeper when I was a kid, and she looked EXACTLY like Maggie Gyllenhaal. She literally looked like Maggie Gyllenhaal! Alright, let’s move on.

Uh, can I get the next slide please?

I never really went to a wedding party before. I mean I went to wedding parties before, but I never went, uh, you know, in a dress. And these ladies, uh, this one in the middle here appears to be wearing a hiney-free underpants. But the interesting thing about that is, Skeets was wearing hiney-free underpants two days ago! Now, I’m not saying that she stole those hiney-free underpants from Skeets, but I’m just saying. She literally stole them from Skeets! Literally! Why wasn’t I notified about this?

Alright, let’s move on. Next slide please?

Can you believe these tassels? It’s like that old Saturday Night Live thing. She’s topless, even though she has something on her top! She’s just literally topless! Why wasn’t I notified about this? Hey, isn’t Obama great?

Here’s Lucy Liu…uh, naked…with a–

–HEY! DOWN IN FRONT, ASSHOLE!

Full gallery at Guanabee.

Listen to Dan Levy every weekday morning at On The DL, or follow him on Twitter.