Welcome to the latest edition of the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, the only place on the internet to seek advice on your flex position as well as your sex positions. We have a lot to cover, so continue after the jump to dive in to all of the week’s best emails.

Last week I was having sex with my girlfriend when her sister [they're roommates] walked in to the apartment and proceeded to run into my girlfriend’s room to tell her something about school. Without a beat, I hoped up fully sheathed and jumped five feet over the bed. Couple of minutes go by and the sisters have their gigglefest about the situation. I don’t give a shit. My cock is worth the discussions. Anyway, the other day my girlfriend’s sister comes up to me and we start bullshitting. She compliments me on my size and I compliment her on her massive breasts. Needless to say, she drops trough and whips out her funbags for me to admire on a strip club level. These things were sculpted by the Lord Jesus with such precision and care. Now the question — should I go for the sister? The girlfriend is alright but her sister is on another level of depravity and awesomeness that you rarely find in a chick willing to have sex with you. I’ve only been with her for a month. Help a brother out.

Fantasy question: At this point, is keeping an injured Felix Jones on the bench now going to be rewarding when the playoff stretch begins?

You lying fuck!

Okay, in case you are actually being truthful this is a difficult situation that will require a deft touch. The first thing you must do is to appraise the situation from afar so as to determine whether or not there is the slightest chance for a threesome. Now if the idea of incest bothers you, just back out now. But why would that bother you? They aren’t your sisters, so let them worry about the taboo shit. I doubt you’d have any trouble with the big tittied sister because she sounds awesome and as we all know, girls willing to show you their monstrous mammaries without asking are pretty much down for anything. So it’s your girlfriend you’ll need to work on. Start by getting her off, then start shoveling ice cream into her mouth. When she’s fully sated begin to ask some prepared questions that will lead her in the right (read: sexy) direction.

You need to find out if there is any deep-rooted attraction between the sisters, and if not, you must create some. It would help if you could get the sister involved by walking around the apartment in revealing outfits and engaging your girlfriend in tickle fights. These tickle fights will invariably lead to light petting, but don’t be too eager, you may scare them away! Let your girlfriend get comfortable, and then have her sister casually suggest the idea of a threesome.

Remember, it’s of crucial importance that you do not bring up the topic yourself. That would make you a horrible horrible person. If all goes well you’ll be in for the best weekend of your life, and if not you might as well fuck the sister because she sounds awesome.

Oh, and unless there’s a sure thing waiting for you on the waiver wire. The two situations are fairly similar actually. Think of Felix as your girlfriend (your big, freakishly athletic girlfriend) and the potential waiver wire pick up as your girlfriend’s sister. Sure you’d love to have them both, but some asshole made up some rules that prohibit such things. No matter, you must decide which is more important, the long-term potential of a relationship with Felix, or the immediate gratification of the free agent that clearly wants you to tittyfuck her.

Oh, and send pictures. Right now. Seriously, if you don’t send the fucking pictures I’m telling your girlfriend. Then I’ll fuck her sister for sport just to teach you a lesson.

God bless.

KSK,

-Chad

How long you wait before resuming your one-man party is not something that anyone can answer definitively. The answer must come from deep within you. Fortunately your body will provide you with a telltale sign that it’s ready to get back on the horse.

As for Romo, keep him on the bench for now. You’ll need his bitch ass down the stretch.

Gentlemen,

-Charley

You need to get into this girl’s head, which isn’t too hard, because women are all fucking nuts and easily manipulated (except of course for my girlfriend who is totally sane and strong-minded). Tell this girl that you like how she’s not totally obsessed with her body image like all the skinny girls you date. Then find an opportunity to tell her that her ass sort of resembles her favorite player, LenDale White. You certainly won’t be getting laid right then and there, but you’ve planted the seed for a hate fuck down the road. Only it will be her hate fucking you. Much easier that way.

A few dilemmas. At WR, who do I start among Derrick Mason, Steve Breaston, DeSean Jackson, and Kevin Curtis? And at RB, who do I start among Jones-Drew , Derrick Ward, Tim Hightower, and Correl Buckhalter? By the way, yes, my team is terrible. Also, is it possible to execute an Alaskan Firedragon?

-Jon G.

Only in Wasilla.

I’d answer your fantasy question, but you didn’t bother to tell me how many of those wide receivers you start. That’s because you’re a dumbass, which is why you’re stuck with such a shitty team to begin with. Go with MJD and Hightower as your backs.

Dear KSK,

Irv

Come on Dad, that shit isn’t funny anymore.
Seriously though, take her bidet shopping. This way you can give her the not-so-subtle hint while she’s too distracted by shopping to be pissed. Or you could just shut the fuck up and consider yourself lucky that you have a woman at all, even if she is unclean.

Buffalo is tough at home, but Pittsburgh has the stingiest pass defense in the league, so I’d lean towards Favre.

In one of the later rounds of my fantasy draft this year, I picked up Michael Turner. My problem is that I seem to start him at the wrong time. When he went bananas on the Lions for 220 yards in Week 1, he was on the bench. But when he went 112 yards and no TDs over a two game span against Chicago and Philly? Of course he was starting! I fear the rest of the season I will be frustrated by not being on the same page with Michael Turner. As of right now, I’m starting him this week, because the Raiders are a fucking abortion of a football team, but I’m sure he’ll probably have something like 18 attempts for 45 yards and a fumble.

-Jim

Your girlfriend is lying in a fiendish attempt to encourage you further. Don’t fall for it, just finish whenever you’re ready.

Turner is quite a bit like your girlfriend’s vagina. No, he’s not soft, pink, and bald, he’s totally unpredictable. Remember, a watched pot never boils, a girl who says she’s about to cum is not going to do so anytime soon, and you can never be sure when Turner will go off, you just want to still be in it when he does.

My wife found evidence of me following NSFW links on our home computer. Ever since, she’s been an animal in the sack (dirty talk, aggression (the good kind), sexy costumes, etc.). Should I be concerned, or just enjoy the ride?

- Happy Guy

Concerned about what? Your dick falling off from all the great sex? Man up, Nancy, and play Silky Garrard in Cincinnati.

Dear Penthouse Forum,

EVERY SINGLE KSK READER HAW HAW HAW

Yep, these are Bill Simmons’ former readers…

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