I’ve broken down all of Peter King’s MMQB columns from the past season. And, in doing so, I have inadvertently spun a highly dense and complex web of inane King terminology that may be difficult for you King neophytes (let’s call you Non-Elite Flyers) to parse. Well, I want to make damn sure that you don’t miss out on the glaring and pointless references I make to previous King columns. To that end, here now is a handy manual of frequent King terms for you to consult. Because we’d hate to have anyone miss out on a good Peter King mocking.

Land: Brett Favre’s one true passion. The thing he lives to work, often in his pick-up truck, which has only 8,000 miles on it.

Land Baron: Status attainted by those who have worked the land to King’s satisfaction.

Coffee-Flavored Water: Poorly made or weak coffee. Usually made at the Omni Penn hotel. This is the ultimate insult King can give any restaurateur, a withering putdown more damaging than any no-star Frank Bruni review. FIX YO COFFEE.

Jillian’s: Indianapolis chain restaurant that suffered the above rebuke and gave King $40 of free shit as a result. BEING A WRITER HAS PERKS YOU COULD NEVER DREAM OF.

Captial Grille: The Per Se of restaurants that give Peter free shit for being an idiot.

Clutch: Can be defined by any number of rotating players.

Loose: Can be defined by any number of rotating teams.

Concrete Cyanide: Compound first introduced to King by former coach Jon Gruden. Like Tim Tebow, it’s a deadly building block.

Chemistry: Abstract quality that cannot be defined or detected, but is totally important to any Super Bowl win.

Kit Kat: Precious chocolate and wafer substance that must be kept cool at all costs on any Continental Airlines flight.

Elite Flyer: One of the many things Peter King is that you are not.

Semi-Argument: An argument.

Quasi-Lebronish: Semi-outstandinglike.

Voice Mail: Precious recorded material that must be saved for years and played for others as a kind of audio slideshow.

Slavery: Something you can find out about if you visit lovely, scenic Nashville. Who knew that town had so much to offer?

Amazing Story: A relatively common occurrence that Peter finds extraordinary enough to tell you about. Want to hear an amazing story? A Lions scout once went up to Peter after seeing Matt Stafford throw the ball and said to him, “This kid could be good.” Unreal.

First Grade in Draftology 101: Odd hybrid of college course and elementary school homeroom.

Shampoo: Hair-cleansing substance that the Marriott Marquis has yet to get right.

Johnny Damon: Baseball player you will be compared to by Peter if you are Hispanic and play football. Know who looks like Johnny Damon? Tony Romo.

Brett Favre: Close personal friend of King. WORLD’S GREATEST HUMAN BEING.

Deer Stand: Something Favre will disappear into when the time is right. You’ll never see him again, until he gets bored of it.

Meadow: Where Favre should conduct all player interviews. No one tells lies in a meadow.

Lofty Words: Words designated as King to be more important than his usual words. True words.

Extortion: What movie producers do when they delay release dates. WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH HARRY POTTER 6 IS A CRIME ON PAR WITH GENOCIDE.

Driving: Tertiary task to be done while clipping toenails and talking on the Bluetooth to 70 different people.

Traffic: Unusual abundancy of cars on the road in such desolate places as New Jersey, I-95, and Florida.

Pittsburghish: Quasi-Farveish.

The Sun: Celestial body that merits your respect and fear.

Wedding: Something you should invite King to, lest he bitch about your snub in print.

PKWOTW: Fancy word King deploys improperly to dazzle easily impressed readership. Wisely discontinued of late.

Window: Thing you look out of to know for sure if your car is stopped.

Frank Caliendo: Funniest man on Earth.

Texas Death Match: Death Match.

Ugg Boots: Alarming new fashion trend.

Coldplay: Unflavored gelatin of rock music. Potential favorite King band and heir to U2’s non-rock throne, heretofore unknown to Peter until now.

Spicy Shrimp: Dish recommended by Peter.

Mitch Puin: The world’s kindest, most generous man. Peter King owes him, AND HE KNOWS IT. (see below)

Journalism: Speculation.

Anal Traits: Something that plagues Peyton Manning.

Shout-Outs: Trivial personal communications often thrown out during King columns. Like so: “Good for you, Tom Kendall. All bellhops should have your kind of dedication.”

Okay. Now that that’s out of the way, we’re ready to get right to this week’s Peter King column. Now the Kit Kat jokes will come into true focus!

I remember covering the New York Giants for Newsday from 1985 to ‘88 and getting into a loud discussion with GM George Young.

Use your glossary! This is a potential semi-argument right here.

Rex Ryan wants it bad.

Nothing makes my Monday morning quite like the mental image of Rex Ryan in heat. He’s molting chins!

Mind if I start with the recruiting story?

Oh, do go on.

And Bart Scott’s two German shepherds, Mater and McQueen?

I hope they don’t tie in somehow into Rex Ryan wanting it bad. Did Bart Scott really name one of his dogs after the Larry the Cable Guy truck in “Cars”? Can we take away his black person license for that? That movie was retarded.

Ryan walked into the house (at midnight), looked at Scott and said: “We want you. We’re here for you. We’re not leaving without you.” There was a plane coming at 8 in the morning to take Scott to the Jets’ facility in Florham Park, N.J., and Ryan told him he had to be on it.

“Talk about taking it back old-school!” Scott said. “I was getting recruited! They were recruiting me big-time! Can you see the precedent they’re setting? Remember Jerry McGuire? You’re going to have players asking their coaches now, ‘Why don’t we have that kind of relationship?’ ”

Indeed. Coach, why don’t you show up on my doorstep in the middle of the night and command me to go somewhere when I haven’t packed or made any kind of travel itinerary? That’s how real players should be treated.

The answer is (the Pats) didn’t get taken in the trade of Cassel and Mike Vrabel. Belichick did underplay his hand, but there were extenuating circumstances, some of which were intelligently reported over the weekend by Adam Schefter, Tom Curran, Chris Mortensen and Tim Graham.

“But not by me!”

Cutler, by the way, will make peace with McDaniels, who’s now coaching Denver. He has no choice, and he’s a reasonable kid.

Peter King, have you ever MET Jay Cutler? He’s as reasonable as an Egyptian coke dealer. Here’s how King apparently envisions Cutler’s reaction to the trade news:

Cutler: Well, I’m not pleased about the development, because I thought this team valued me for the long term. But I’m a professional, so I’m just going to put personal feelings aside, play to the best of my ability, and hopefully prove to the Broncos I’m the right guy to lead them.

Now here’s how Cutler actually reacted.

Cutler: (asks father to throw discarded insulin syringe at Pat Bowlen, moves bangs out of eyes, stomps out of team headquarters, keys Josh McDaniels’ car, refuses to answer voice mail)

The Chiefs now should have their quarterback of the future, assuming new coach Todd Haley’s as good a quarterback tutor as he appeared in Arizona the past couple of years.

Todd Haley coached two QB’s in Arizona: Kurt Warner, who already knew how to play the position; and Matt Leinart, who would rather attend Jason Mraz concerts with Nick Lachey and hand out Peach Schnapps to 14-year-olds for a quick fingerbang than study a playbook. Nice tutoring there.

I can tell you that the time on the screen of my MacBook Air was 12:00:06 (six seconds after midnight) when the phone rang in the Back Bay condo of agent Brad Blank Friday morning.

That’s how fancy Peter’s new computer is, people. It tells you the time RIGHT DOWN TO THE FUCKING SECOND. Yes, those are seconds denoted there. Lest you saw the 12:00:06 and thought to yourself, “What kind of crazy time is that? That’s one colon too many! Peter King must live on some kind of incredible futuristic Elite Flyer time!” And don’t forget: Peter also has a Blackberry Storm now. Oh, do you not have either of those luxury items? Pity. They are so choice. Maybe if you complained about coffee everywhere you went, you’d get further ahead in life.

I was in the upscale downtown Boston neighborhood with Blank.

Very upscale. JILLIAN’S upscale.

“You play with fire sometimes,” Blank said Sunday night, “and sometimes you get burned. I needed the Redskins. They pay people, and they pay people quick.”

And without reason, too!

It was written over the weekend that Haynesworth signed the first $100-million contract by a defensive player in league history, a contract that could jump to $115 million if he earned some incentives. That could happen. I could succeed Roger Goodell as commissioner of the NFL one day, too.

Actually, I could see that. Peter King, NFL commissioner! Improved coffee in every luxury box! Ice cold Kit Kats in every locker room! Garden variety liberal opinions posted in every stadium! Free GM jobs for his daughters! UGG BOOTS BANNED.

b. Fred Taylor, humble, helpful, classic unselfish vet, 115 carries this year. Perfect fit in Foxboro.

But he’s not white! By the way, here’s King a week ago:

Hunger. Taylor wants it bad.

Lotta people wanting things bad in King’s world. BUT NOT AS BAD AS KING WOULD LIKE TO SEE GRAN TORINO.

e. You tried on Houshmandzadeh, Seattle. Taking him up in a pontoon plane for a city tour and landing on Lake Washington and walking up on the dock to your practice fields. Cool stuff.

Kudos to you, Seatlle. You could be Nashville one day.

I’m dying to know what illegal substances the writers of Family Guy are on when they write that show.

Well Peter, I can tell you that illegal substance: Pirated DVD of VH1’s “I Love the 80’s!” Remember Shrinky Dinks! Those were crazy! Let’s do a flashback!

I’ll pay $50 to the first person who ends winter.

I bet a Chinaman could figure it out! Did he not consult Brett Favre’s copy of the Farmer’s Almanac for the end date? Hey, who knew winter in the Northeast extended all the way into March? It’s usually such an oppressively warm month.

Coffeenerdness: Mitch Puin, you threw me a lifesaver Sunday at the Upper Montclair Starbucks, and you know it. I owe you big time for rescuing me in my need-a-fix time when I was wallet-less and needed help getting through the checkout. Thank you.

MITCH PUIN: AMERICAN HERO. This could be the man who ends winter. Delivering cash to rich people when they’re in need of $4 coffee? Mitch, you can expect a gift basket of Kit Kats at your doorstep very, very soon. Unless those Kit Kats are delivered to Merril Hoge by accident.

Happy birthday, Marcy “Mike Ticey” Fost. How old are you? Sixteen?

I don’t know! Hey, here’s a lark! FUCKING ASK THE KID OVER EMAIL. And how thrilled would any teenage girl be to be compared to Mike Tice? Happy birthday, kid. You look like Al from “The Naked Gun”.

PETER KING WANTS YOU BAD.