Ben Roethlisberger: HI COACH

THE BEN NO WANT COMPLAIN AND BE ROTTEN EGGMAN BUT THE BEN TAKE LOTTO HITS THIS SEASON. SO MANY OWIESPOTS THAT BEN DON’T KNOW WHERE OWIE END AND BEN BEGIN. IT BAD. VERY BAD. HAVE NO TIME IN POCKET FOR MANY PUMP FAKE, RUN AROUND IN CIRCLE THEN THROW BALL AT SAME TIME BEN IS FALLING TO GROUND. BEN CAN NO BE BEN IN THESE CONDITIONS.

Mike Tomlin: We’ve had a few setbacks with our protection up front, but to blame that for the totality of our performance is an excuse and we don’t make ‘em. We will continue to strive to correct whatever shortcomings we have as a team, but that involves each player overcoming his own shortcomings. And there isn’t a player on this team that that is perfect in this regard.

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT BEN NO LIKE! EVEN MAN INSIDE TV SAY BEN TAKE MONDO OWIES.

TV IS NEVER LIAR. TV IS FRIEND AND VIDEO GAMES MY BROTHER.

Mike Tomlin: To be frustrated in the face of adversity is human, but just being human is not the standard here. Winning is the standard. Champions abide by those standards. We intend to be champions.

Ben Roethlisberger: BEFORE SEASON, COACH TELL BEN, “BEN – GOOD NEWS. WE MAKE OFFENSE EASY. YOU START PLAY BY MAKE CHOCO TACO LICK FACE AT FAST WILLIE PARKER WALLACE. FASTMAN WALLACE THINK BEN WANT BATHROOM SMUSH, SO HE RUN REAL FAST. THE BEN HUCK N CHUCK DEEP FOR TOUCHDOWN!”

THAT WHAT COACH SAID!

Mike Tomlin: Ben. Listen, I can’t -

Maurkice Pouncey: Coach! Hey coach, come quick!

Mike Tomlin: What is it?

Maurkice Pouncey: Cone’s hurt!

Mike Tomlin: Not again! We only dressed two cones this week. That was our last one!

Hines Ward: If we am not doing something soon, Rongrastname will suffel glave injulee. Velleeeeeee sellliousss injuleeeee.

Mike Tomlin: All right. That settles it. Batch! Charlie, get up!

Charlie Batch: [Awakens from nap startled and brandishing a knife] This ain’t yer claim! I gots here first! GIT! GIT!

Mike Tomlin: Charlie, wake up. It’s Coach Tomlin.

Charlie Batch: Heh heh, so it is. Sorry ’bout that. Just had a lil’ flashback to mah prospectin’ days. So what’s the deal, coach?

Mike Tomlin: I need you to get in there.

Charlie Batch: Whatever you say, pardner. I’ll work the kinks out of the ol’ diggin’ arm here.

Mike Tomlin: Don’t bother. We need you in at right tackle.

Charlie Batch: Tackle?! Tarnation! You can’t be serious. No way these old bones handle blocking those big studs.

Mike Tomlin: You’re at a size disadvantage. That much is obvious. But we need a warm body. And you have veteran savvy. Use that. Confuse the pass rushers with stories about when a gallon of milk used to cost 17 cents.

Charlie Batch: Grocer’d knock it down to a plug nickel if’n you could spin a good yarn about the Dust Bowl.

Mike Tomlin: Save it for the field, Charlie. Now get in there!

[Batch goes in, Roethlisberger strip-sacked for the eighth time of the 1st half]

Mike Tomlin: Sigh. This is going to be a long season.

Dick LeBeau: Settle down, coach. Them other fellers only got 126 yards rushing this half. Got ‘em right where we want ‘em.

Aaron Smith: When are they gonna install a duck pond in this godforsaken stadium?

Dick LeBeau: As soon as you get off your keister and make a play.

Aaron Smith: Baaaaaahhhh! [Waves hand dismissively] Forget it.

Mike Tomlin: We’re a group of professionals with a job that needs to be done. No one knows that more than us. The standard is still the standard. And the standard is winning. Like most, we’ve had to deal with our share of adversity to get to this destination, this proving ground, you could call it. It’s a credit to this team, a testament to our fortitude, that they were able to overcome whereas some others might not have. But we know this is not the end of the road. We are focused on the task laid out before us. The circus is nothing new. We have nothing to add to it. We’re just taking this in stride and trying to have a little fun. As the saying goes, this is not our first rodeo.

Mike Tomlin: Like I was saying, we’ve chosen to draw attention to ourselves and embrace the “bad guy role,” in that we’re openly antagonizing the league through the media. Some might say it’s a little reckless, but this is an approach we’ve taken all season. From that standpoint, we’re comfortable with it. It’s a situation I’m sure 30 other teams would be glad to find themselves in. If Roger Goodell shows up on the sideline near the end of this game, I will make it a point to ridicule his person and possibly belittle his manhood. Should I feel comfortable with the status of the game, I might lead a cheer mocking the way he has almost single-handedly ruined the NFL. I would also not hesitate to shove him off the trophy podium. That’s just the kind of team we are. It would be foolish to try to change horses midstream.

Hines Ward: I am alive in Darras. I rasso Supell Bore tighter numbell free. Hippie-High-Ho-Kim-Chi. Lide into sunset as urtimate champion. Can gualantee entlee into Harr of Fame. We am make Tang Dynasty rook rike Putang Dynasty. This joke am make sense to you? We have chance foll make regacy extla stlong! They leemembel us follevel. They make Amellican Westeln movie and we arr stals.

Ben Roethlisberger: HI COWBOY HINES. THE BEN SAW COWBOY IN TOY STORY 3 AND MADE SALT SPIT OUT MY EYESPOT.

WHERE ELSE THE BEN SEE COWPEOPLE?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

UH… HINES? NEED HELP WITH FIXING TELEVISION IN THE BATHROOM STALL. IT VERY IMPORTANT FOR GAMEPLAN. WE MIGHT LOSE IF THIS TV DON’T GET FIXED. WILL SIX SHOTS OF JAGER MAKE YOU WANT TO FIX THIS TV?

Mike Tomlin: It appears now that our quarterback has made inappropriate overtures toward one of our wide receivers. If you’d like to follow me, the team has set up a crisis tent in the parking lot for further discussion of this matter. Before you go telling wild stories or engage full-on media meltdown, I would like to reiterate that these sort of allegations are nothing new to this team and we are mentally prepared, as we have been all season, to handle them. I’d be more worried if there were less adversity, to tell the truth. Maybe other people like easy things. That’s not our M.O. and it’s one with a track record of success. It’s not about style points for us. We are about winning by any means necessary, even if those means repel or even disgust you. In fact, I’d like to call in a bomb threat right now. Have it right under Goodell’s stupid narrow ass.

Now that House is off of Vicodin he’s finally lucid enough to notice that Foreman looks quite a bit like Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. Brett Favre nods knowingly. [With Leather]