Or to cornily reference another, more recent, Darren Aronofsky movie: Black Swoon. However you want to painfully set it up, Mike Singletary was fired by the 49ers on Sunday night after leading the team to its tenth loss of the season, which culminated with a heated sideline exchange with Troy Smith.

Singletary’s head coaching career started on such a promising note, both for professional and entertainment purposes, with a 5-4 record as an interim coach in 2008. That encouraging start (by recent Niners standards, at least) coincided with the new classic “I want winners” press conference rant and the incident where Singletary dropped trou in the locker room at halftime to fire his team up.

In the time since, it’s been mostly giant crosses festooned around his neck, statements of absolute certitude followed closely by comic ineptitude and releasing a DVD that will show you how to be sub .500 in your everyday life. We’ll miss Singletary’s over-the-top antics and ice grilling of referees, but his departure opens up yet another vacancy for Jon Gruden to be a future failure. Odds are he’s going to get one of them.

BOOSH! That’s stone cold certitude, served Mike Singletary style, which means pantsless while losing by 30 points to the Seahawks. While Singletary has so far been an okay head coach, he’s excelled like few other in communicating through unalloyed coachspeak at all times. Being grilled by a stupid sports journalist about how Yahoo! reported that Alex Smith experienced problems getting the playcalls in from offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye? Antagonize like you never antagonized before!

No really sure what the need for the fuss is, especially when we know it was Raye’s insipid music keeping the playcalls from being heard.

[Int. NFL Combine]

Mike Singletary: Great workout, Matt, you sure are putting on quite a display.

Matt Stafford: Thanks coach, so what’s next? Want to watch me do some more keg-lifts?

Singletary: No, I think we’ve seen enough of your physical abilities. What we’re going to do is have you sit down with a friend of mine for an informal chat. How does that sound?

Stafford: Uh, sure, that sounds fine.

Singletary: Very good, follow me this way, son.

[they enter a small interview room with a large mirror taking up one wall]

Singletary: Matt, I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Dr. Franz Herzog.

Stafford: Doctor?

Herzog: [speaking with a faint Austrian accent] Hello Matthew, I am Dr. Herzog, PhD.

Stafford: Oh cool, I took a few Phys Ed courses at Georgia.

Herzog: Wonderful, I can already tell I’m speaking to a fellow intellectual. Now Mr. Coach Man, if you will please be leaving us now, we must speak in private.

Singletary: Oh, right! Sure thing doc, I’ll go wait outside and read a magazine [winks without a hint of subtlety].

Stafford: So what’s going on here doc?

Singletary: [speaking to Dr. Herzog through an earpiece from behind the two-way mirror] Reassure him.

Herzog: Oh it’s nothing to worry about Matthew, of that I can assure you. I simply need to ask some questions to get a better idea of who you are.

Stafford: Well I’m 6’2″ and 228 lbs of pure concrete cyanide with an arm like a goddamn missle launcher. Any other questions, doc?

Herzog: Why don’t you start by telling me about your childhood.

Stafford: I was born in Tampa Bay, but my family moved to Georgia where my father attended graduate school.

Herzog: Excellent.

Stafford: Yeah, then we moved to Texas so I could dominate at the highest level of high school football.

Herzog: Were you always so confident in your abilities?

Stafford: Shit yeah!

Singletary: Enough of this stuff, ask him how often he shits.

Herzog: Matthew, how often would you say you evacuate your bowels?

Stafford: Uh, I don’t know, daily?

Herzog: Was this an answer or a question?

Stafford: An answer?

Herzog: Suddenly you seem unsure of yourself, why do you think this is?

Stafford: I don’t know, maybe because you’re asking me how much I shit. What does this have to do with football, you sick fuck?

Singletary: Okay, he’s a bit on edge now. Find out how he responds to being yelled at by a coach without pants.

Herzog: I’ll ask the questions here, Matthew. Now tell me, have you ever been scolded by a man in the nude?

Stafford: Of course, my old man always used to strip down and scream at me. It was kind of his thing.

Herzog: How did this make you feel?

Stafford: I don’t know.

Herzog: Did it make you aroused?

Stafford: [visibly alarmed] FUCK NO!

Singletary: Calm him down, doc.

Herzog: Stay calm or I will be forced to sedate you.

Stafford: What the hell is going on here? Did Coach Singletary tell you to ask me this stuff?

Herzog: These questions are all standard, I assure you. Now tell me, is your father a well endowed man?

Stafford: He makes a good living, but you know, times are tough and all.

Herzog: No Matthew, what I mean is, were you intimidated by the size of his member?

Stafford: This is ridiculous, can we talk about something else?

Singletary: Ask about his parent’s divorce.

Herzog: Very well. Tell me, are your parents still happily married?

Stafford: No. No, they broke up a while back.

Herzog: Interesting, and how does this make you feel? Did you ever harbor violent and/or sexual fantasies about your father?

Stafford: Uh…no. I’m really not comfortable discussing this subject. Can I talk to Coach Singletary now?

Herzog: We’re almost done.

Stafford: Okay.

Herzog: Very good, now tell me, how old were you when you first masturbated while fantasizing about your mother?

Stafford: That’s it, I’m getting the fuck out of here.

Singletary: [re-enters office naked from the waist down] Am I crazy or did that seem a little weird to you, Doc?

Herzog: Yes, very strange indeed. Did you notice how he refused to discuss the divorce of his parents?

Singletary: Of course, it was quite odd.

Herzog: Indeed, highly unusual behavior. Troubling really.

Singletary: [scratches his testicles] No kidding. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna draft a nutcase like that!