Vic: Yeah, I’ve heard a rumor about Brett Favre going to the Bears to replace…

Mike Francesca: (cuts the line) Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic, stop right there. He’s not goin’ to Chicawgo. Okay? Enough. Enough. (sighs) Not going to Chicawgo. Let me put a rest to all this Brett Fahve speculation right now. I hear people telling me, “Oh, he’s going to Chicawgo,” or, “He’s going to Minnesoter.” Folks, he’s not going to any of those places. You’re just making stuff up, Vic. Making stuff up. You don’t have sauces.

I have sauces.

Okay? Listen to me now, because this is how it’s going to go down. Brett Fahve will DEFINITELY going to Caroliner. That is what my sauces are telling me. He’s gonna go to Caroliner. Not Minnesoter. Not Tamper. Caroliner. He’s gonna sign a two-year deal worth $15.678 million. They’re gonna go 9-7, then he’s going to throw for 3,726 yahds, 25 touchdowns, and 17 picks. He’ll also have a mild hip injury in Week 12. Then they’ll lose to the Giants in the first round of the playoffs 23-10. That is EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

So please. Don’t just make stuff up. My sauces are airtight on this. Let’s go to Frankie in Queens.

Frankie: What about Favre going to the Jets? You know, Clemens is…

Mike Francesca: (cuts the line) Frankie, Frankie, Frankie… No. Okay? No. He’s not coming here. Mangini doesn’t want him! Doesn’t want him. He likes the kid: Clemens. Mangini’s gonna start the kid, he’s gonna lead them to an 8-8 record. You might see Pennington in there around Week 9 or so. Just a brief cameo. He’ll take exactly 17 snaps and that will be it. Again, that’s how Mangini wants it. Mangini doesn’t want Fahve. What’s he gonna do with Fahve, Frankie? He’s got a young team! What’s he gonna do with Fahve? No reply to that, Frankie? Guess he hung up. Guess he didn’t want to face facts. Let’s go to Calegero in the Bronx. Whaddaya got, C?

Calegero: What about Miam…

Mike Francesca: (cuts the line) C, C, C… Pawcells isn’t interested! NOT interested. Won’t happen. It literally isn’t possible in this world or any sort of alternate universe. I talked to Pawcells just last night. We’re very close. We ate at Rao’s. Very exclusive. Only 15 seats. They save me a table every night, but don’t you try and eat there. Pawcells does NOT want Fahve. Doesn’t want him. YUGE mistake to take him on. He’s gonna stick Henne in there in Week 7. Henne’s gonna struggle, but in Week 15 he’ll throw for 235 yawds and lead a 14-point comeback. That’s Pawcells’ plan. The future will not deviate in any way shape or form from I have just told you.

I wish you people would stop calling me and trying to outthink me. You clearly know nothing about sports. I’ve been in this business for a long time. Long time. Got a lotta sauces. They tell me Dallas will win the Super Bowl, Heath Ledger will take him the first posthumous Oscar since Peter Finch, Seton Hall will win the NCAA tournament this year, the economy will not recover until May 6, 2011, and that Osama bin Laden can be found at 22 Maplewood Drive in Sedona, Arizona.

Also, I’m AN IMPOSSIBLY ARROGANT FUCKHEAD.