Two of the elder franchises, each with a massive and surpassingly obnoxious fanbase, take on some Southern teams with followers made complacent by early success and NASCAR. Homefield advantage is on the line in each conference, even if all four of these teams are assured a first-round bye anyway and we all know at least one of them will be upset in the divisional round. Still, let’s pretend we’ll got a lot of NFL Playoffs chalk, so WHO YA GOT?

Okay, assholes. You think you can just fucking unfairly stereotype a Jersey fan like myself and get the fuck away wit it? THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, AM I RIGHT?

(sits on hood of car)

First off, I am NOT from fucking Rockaway. Okay? I’m clearly from Nutley, or Essex, or some other part of Upper Central Eastern Northern Middle New Jersey. IS THAT NOT FUCKING CLEAR TO YOUS? You can’t just lump all Jerseyites together like dat. Every town in Jersey contains its very own distinct tribe of people wit its own unique blend of cultures and customs. We’re like the Africa of states, except we don’t have as many n—-rs. AM I RIGHT?

(grabs dick)

Furthuhmore, the fan you described yestuhday was CLEARLY a Jets fan. Everyone knows dat. I’m a Giant fan, okay? I don’t threaten to rape women in the ass, like Jet fans do. I threaten to kick them in the tits. Big difference. You should know dat. Jets fans are the ones who have no sense of class or decorum. Like remembuh the time the Saints had their game moved to Giants stadium, and all the fans were taunting them about having their homes flooded? Those were obviously Jet fans dressed as Giant fans. AGAIN, TRYING TO SHAME THE NFL’S FLAGSHIP FRANCHISE.

(contorts face into permanent half-smirk)

Bro, bro, bro, bro. And Sanremo Pizza? You really think Giant fans eat dere, bro? PATHETIC. Everyone knows we eat at Paradiso. BEST FUCKING ITALIAN SUBS IN ALL OF NORTH JERSEY. I beat you don’t even know where it is. Do you know? I can tell you where it is. Just take the Garden State. You got EZ Pass? You need EZ Pass. Do you have EZ Pass? No? You’re a faggot.

(grabs dick again, folds NY Post at Hondo section and tuck it under arm)

All’s I’m sayin’ is dat you got it wrong. You clearly know nothing about anything. As opposed to myself, who knows everything about everything. Like these shoes. You see dese shoes? I got a fucking DEAL AND A HALF on dese shoes. And I was gonna tell you where I got dem, BUT NOW I FUCKING WON’T. You are a FUCKING FAGGOT. And if I see you in my town, I SWEAR TUH GOD I WILL FUCKING BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A BICYCLE CHAIN. YOU HEAR ME?

(door flies open)

Tommy: HOW FACKIN’ DAY-UH YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT BEIN’ STEREOTYPED, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT! We, the proud fans of Celtic Nation, have been stereotyped fahhhhh longah than you! WE EARNED THIS STEREOTYPE! YOU HAVEN’T HAD TO SUFFAH LIKE WE HAVE!

Mickey: You got a fucking problem, assfuck?

Tommy: I sure FACKIN’ do! I’LL FACK YOU AND THEN JIZZ ON YOUR FAT SLUT GARLFRIEND’S EYEBROWS!

Mickey: Try it! I know many violent Italians who will fucking STRANGLE YOUS!

Tommy: Yeah? Well, I bench 225!

Mickey: 235.

Tommy: I gawt this tattoo of Sylvester raping Tweety Bird!

Mickey: I GOT A FUCKING TATTOO OF ME FUCKING YOUR MOTHUH!

Tommy: Yeah, well yar mawm’s a DAHHHHKIE!

Mickey: AND YOUR MOM’S A FUCKING SPIC!

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Mickey: FUCK YOUS! All’s I’m sayin’ is, FUCK BOSTON. AM I RIGHT!

Tommy: No! You AHHHHHH WRAWNGGGG!! DIE!

Mickey: Yo yo yo, WATCH THE FUCKING HAIR!

Tommy: I WOULD SO FACKIN’ FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW IF I DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TAKE A SHIT.

Mickey: Then it’s a date. My fist and your sorry ass!

Tommy: Mahhhhhk it. Finally, everyone will know that BAWSTON FANS AHHH THE MOST IMPARTANT FANS IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Mickey: Fine. But let’s go to a shitty nightclub first and grab girls by their cunts.

Tommy: Okay.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Hey hey hey hey hey! Shut duh fuck up! All right? JUST SHUT DUH FUCK UP. I’m trying to make uh fucking point here, all right? First off, does anyone have uh light here? I REPEAT: DO YOU ANY OF YOU HAVE UH FUCKING LIGHT? What the fuck? I’m supposed tuh bring my own lightuh? DUH FUCK IS THAT? You ladies should keep uh lightuh on you at all times if you wanna have any hope uh sucking on my dick later on, AM I FUCKING RIGHT OR WHAT?

Do any of you have any extra cigarettes for me when dis one goes out? I DO NOT BRING MY OWN CIGARETTES ANYWHERE. That’s just how I roll. Now lend me uh fucking cigarette. Are you ordering uh pizza? Save two slices fuh me. No, I’m not paying fuh any. I’m just asking fuh uh taste. JESUS. Two goddamn slices! The fuck I do tuh you dat you won’t cough up uh couple extra slices? FUCK. Where are you ordering from? Romano’s? FUCK YOU. Orduh from Sanremo. ONLY FAGGOTS ORDUH FROM ROMANO’S.

I wanna talk about duh fucking Giants. Okay? SHUT UP, VINCE. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE JETS AND THEIR FAGGOT FANS. God, duh Jets. What uh bunch uh second-class, bridge-and-tunnel assfucks. CALL ME WHEN YOU GET UH FUCKING REAL FRANCHISE, YOU SUBLETTING PUERTO RICAN SACKS UH DOGSHIT.

(pours vodka and Red Bull into empty Diet Coke can)

I wanna talk about duh Giants now. EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP. Okay, now. Here it is: If duh fucking Giants fucking lose like dat again in duh playoffs, dey will NOT go tuh duh fucking Supuh Bowl. AM I RIGHT? You know I’m fucking right. You know it, honey. Don’t try and argue with me, ladies. I’ll just end up having to fuck you in duh ass again. AM I RIGHT, HUH?

I don’t care what kinduh team you gots. If you can’t find uh way tuh win in the playoffs, you aren’t making duh Big Dance.

(pulls out money clip for no reason)

Furthuhmore, furthuhmore, furthuhmore… EDDIE, WILL YOU SHUT THE LIVING FUCK UP FOR THREE MINUTES? I got uh couple more points tuh make here. Someone’s gotta say it here, so I will. You will NOT see Plaxico Burress suit up fuh dis team again ALL YEAR. Don’t ask me how I know dese things. But I’m telling you, THAT’S HOW IT’S GONNA GO DOWN. Now, I don’t wanna call Plax uh fucking no good lazy porch chimp,. BUT HE IS UH FUCKING NO GOOD LAZY PORCH CHIMP, AM I RIGHT? Hold on uh second, I gotta call my bookie.

(calls bookie, loses $500 in four seconds)

STILL UP FOR DUH YEAR! WHICH ONE OF YOU LADIES WOULD LIKE DUH HONUH OF GIVIN’ THE OL’ MICK UH GOOD TITSLIDE? Eh, fuck you sluts. You’re all ugliuh than sin. I wouldn’t fuck you if dere were diamonds fallin’ out uh your twat.

(puts on weight belt and weightlifting gloves for no reason)

Uh couple more fucking things before I go. First off: dis Under Armour shirt. It’s AMAZING. Feel it. FUCKING FEEL IT. I’ve been sweating ALL DAY, and I feel dry as uh bone. Uh big fuckbone, AM I RIGHT? What do you mean, I smell? I swear to God, I will rape your mother and then drown her in uh bathtub! FUCK YOU AND YOUR ENTIUH DEFORMED FAMILY! I WILL NEVUH FUHGIVE YOU FUH DAT!

Secondly: All duh Jints have to do to turn things back around is tuh start playing great again. Also, dis Sabathia signing for duh Yanks? That could be good. Or it could be bad. THAT’S MY HONEST ASSESSMENT. I hear uh lot of people saying uh lotta shit. BUT ALL’S I’M SAYIN’ IS THAT IT HAS DUH POTENTIAL TUH BE GOOD. YOU DON’T HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT DAT!

All’s I’m sayin’ is day if some girl doesn’t start suckin’ on dis Genoa Salam in duh next five minutes, I’m not gonna lend you any of duh cigarettes or pizza people are gonna lend me. SO GET SUCKIN’! MY COUSIN BENITO OWNS UH GUN! DON’T THINK I WON’T GIVE HIM UH CALL IF I FEEL LIKE IT! SHUT DUH FUCK UP!

Photo courtesy of Eric R.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.